Cimmerian- Damn. We dated, in love, it got stale, we broke up. This verse was a lot like life, but better written than our everyday crapshoot. You are great in small bits. I don't know your writing, but it seems like you thrive there. Your lines and usage were not only concise, but precise. You didn't try too hard and the pace and air of the verse was casual and seamless. Other than granite/tablets, your rhyming was fundamentally uniform and generally didn't disturb the flow. I liked this verse and I will read you in more places. Good job.
Pent Up- LOL. I saw the tell halfway through. That said, everything after that could have been better. I think this premise could have been great if it was reworked and was paced better. I think the end was rushed and the last few bars were repetitive, but the "not made til she orders" part was funny for me. That was literally the only part. Maybe if you made up for it in the OM with some PART 2 treatment I would read, but maybe you shouldn't. Yea, maybe you shouldn't. I think the terrifying clown concept was pretty bad IMO, but you could have turned some of that into gold. I saw a little potential, so good job for what its worth.
MVGT Cimmerian for an overall better read.
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Ahem.
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