CDM
Yea, the mechanics were simple, but so what ? I liked the three part act and found it humorous and over the top, especially toward the end with all the ridiculous character traits of the new lala land Rawn. however, I do think it is heresy to say anyone is over the Norris...blasphemy. Go repent. Nice playful slam of Rawn in an imaginative tale...pretty enjoyable because for me it was ...well.... a real story. The humor worked to balance out the simple approach, though not easy to do. I looked forward to each line, and while much of it was silly I think you could have reworked act III to really establish a true closing by providing new information of Rawn's transformation off of what you had built for him in the other acts...kinda a let down to a real good opening a middle. anti climatic.
Rawn -
I like your concept here, actually you had one of the better plays on a picture this week. The old man, his glory days long gone, paints a reminder of himself as a youth. Youth is wasted on the young indeed. Aside from that good connection, this verse seemed a bit short lived and rather incomplete, nothing developed out of the concept idea nor was much explored. Leaving one to ask a rhetorical question: Why was this written ? I don't think more ideas necessarily had to be explored, but it would have made for a more dynamic verse. I understand this is a moot point, but maybe something to consider.
You word placements stood out to me as begin really thought out and seemingly the right choice for each line. Great job here. Being a little dry and boring, this concept was a true representation of the pic nonetheless. Great lines like:
His emotion was focused, as he eased up his easel
passionately prepared his palette; primed, perfect, and peaceful
And as friend Nigma says, "a vast array of literary devices and a varied level of complexity in your rhyme schemes. there were metas, assonance, alliteration, ect. and did so while telling a neat little story that complimented your photo."
Neat indeed, but only the surface was scratched in this tale....take it as criticism.
Vote- CDM
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