[dead man]

Alyssa -



i remember you well. you're a headrush, a high
oily blonde, skin dry, bleach white. dusk in July
we met between classrooms, disenchanted goodbyes
and degenerate friends with whom we identified
you triple layered mascara. Madam Raccoon in disguise
i would tease you, only wishing to look into your eyes
blue as the sky. translucent, dilated, foolish, misguided
your green thumb. roses bloody red. mushrooms psilocybin
love without a name for it. 16 with a license
we'd park the car just to kiss and smoke in comfortable silence.
perfume violet. sweet like stevia. compassionate victim
of your scent. a memoir slave to my olfactory system
you made decisions. i listened. we bonded over addiction
choking out sentences. breathing boa constricted
when smoking sections existed. before camels were blue
empty parking lots and alleys after classes were through
candlelight between us. bread and water and time
your stare was Gemini. i don't remember your sign
but i remember you well. scarred, resentful and wise
often resigned. so much to hide. your smile would kill me inside
but i obliged. an ex-boyfriend who committed suicide
was the root of all your pain. the catalyst for you and I
you would cry. flick your lighter. whisper under your breath
shoot yourself with opioids and razor your flesh
run into the bathroom. i would ask for the check
come back. adjust your bandages. as numb as it gets
before money or debt. landlords, mortgage and rent
corpses and death were a condition of your company kept
you read Kerouac at 12. Richard Brautigan next
Vonnegut texts at home. a Honda full of Chomsky cassettes
bourgeois intellectual. Kafka, coffee and toast
ballet class at 7 is when she started to smoke, she says
her confidence rose - no appetite, so light on her toes
quit at 9 until she found a body. naked and cold
with a note on the sink. lined paper, sharpie in bold
bathwater rosy red like the garden she grows.
you told me once, it's ritual. there's prayer in the smoke
i'm with you always. waiting while you're chasing a ghost

i remember you so well. O, morose valentine
i want to thank you. thank you, cause you tried
i can't forget you. i'm sorry. god, i hope you're alive
even though i couldn't let you let me die.





DEADMAN