WEEK TWELVE: ADVERSE (4-3) vs MASTER ROCK (5-5) ADVERSE WINS 3-0

Adverse · 07-02-2022, 04:15 PM

AOWL Season X WEEK TWELVE
@Master Rock

Verse Due: THURSDAY JULY 7TH @ 11:59 PM EST

Line min: 10

Max: 60

Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

Topic:

GOOD LUCK

Master Rock · 07-02-2022, 07:32 PM

Boo!

Adverse · 07-07-2022, 02:23 PM

Poor Little Ruby Sue,

All she ever wanted to do was be seen
The more I think about it, it was a ludicrous dream
It’s hard existing amongst the living when you’re donning a sheet
But much to her dismay, every single day was Halloween
And she had to view the world from the eyeholes chopped sloppily through the seams
From the rot of the leaves, all the way to the rejuvenated blossoms of spring

Moved to Los Angeles at the tender age of nineteen
But for some reason, she never mixed with the Hollywood scene
Mad attractive but still they never gawked on the streets
She even walked down Rodeo naked and didn’t garner a peep
Maybe she could blame the disconnect on a dissociative society
Staring down at their glowing screens and zombified entirely
Souls heavy, she don’t have anyone and there’s nowhere left to run
Her ghastly white skin fails to bronze in the California sun

She hasn’t received a phone call the whole winter
Her family stopped setting a place for her at holiday dinners
Like knowing her was a burden they never seek to be reminded of
Watches as they eat in silence, peeking in from the outside shrubs
And ponders what atrocities she committed to be casted out
Never got an explanation why and that’s the thing that she’s saddest ‘bout

So many lonely sunrises so she’d sit and watch in solitude
As the bright Orange sun burned holes into the nights loneliness and solemn blues
Thinking maybe if the morning came and melts away all the gloom
Maybe one day her sky would brighten and dissipate the darkness too

Holed up in a hotel lobby to evade all the drops of rain
Nodding off to the overcast greys on another forgotten day
She prayed that her pain would be washed away..
Suddenly, she was shocked awake
The lobby tv proclaiming “breaking news” wrapped in a banner of red
At first, she didn’t even understand what it said
As she read the sentence again, the sweetest rain started falling down
“Serial killer apprehended, 8 separate bodies found”
She felt a peace wash over her that she’d never felt before
And the threadbare costume that she wore fell to shreds upon the floor
A slideshow of the slain girls played through, she saw her own face and then grinned
“Finally, now everybody can see me again.”

Master Rock · 07-07-2022, 11:05 PM

Ext

Master Rock · 07-10-2022, 01:19 AM

Hollow
lost in a cold stare case
close, they say...
I glimpse in the midst, and a voice whispers loudly... "please stay" with me,
in agony, I feel the drips burning as the rain gently weeps...
across my cheeks...I'm roaring...
challenging the universe, demanding an answer about exactly what is so good about this grief?
it's like sulfur, its burning holes upon my streak
my raw eyes, I can run away, but the truth is that there's
nowhere to hide in plain sight, just hand me the sheets
even if the folds are torn, this pain will never deplete
21 grams departed before I even saw the mourn
a new flash, the phone rings, urgency
what!?! we both scream! No!!! please come emergency
praying to God...
against me the odds.
silent echos...
blankly the walls answer no
why? justify...truth and lies...is it because the process says so?...
but it's not their time...one more talk and I will never know how it will go...
I looked for heaven out my window and all I felt was the wind blow
is your presence here?
My mind tells me so,
I glimpse at the curtains move near my closed window

Soule · 07-10-2022, 04:37 AM

Adverse. I think this was cool. A bit elementary with the wording but it was a cohesive narrative. The ending a tid bit predictable but sall good. Maybe more internal multies though the flow didn't seem to struggle. RIP Ruby.

Rock, this was alright for what it was. Definitely appreciate you coming in last second, seven days to write 10-40 lines definitely isn't enough... Flow was alright for the most part. Felt the narrative was a bit abrupt. I dunno. To me it definitely feels like a piece just for the sake of showing. I've read your stuff before and this ain't it mate.

Vote Adverse for dropping a complete, more enjoyable piece.

Dominate · 07-10-2022, 08:33 AM

LMAO I thought this pic looked kind of cute and wholesome but both of you morose fucks made it into something sad.

Adverse,
The pic didn't give you a whole lot to work with in terms of story, but I thought what you came up with was pretty cool and creative. The 'ghost that can't move on until killer is apprehended' idea was cool enough as a premise, but the extra layer of the character feeling unseen and forgotten by her family bc the lack of closure was too painful for them to want to think about her gave this some emotional depth. Poor little Ruby Sue indeed. Mechanically there was a little room for improvement here. It wasn't bad, I just mean there were a few places where the rhythm was lost and I felt like it could have been fixed with a bit of tweaking. The last stanza was really good in this respect though. Some favourite individual lines:

Her ghastly white skin fails to bronze in the California sun

Her family stopped setting a place for her at holiday dinners
Like knowing her was a burden they never seek to be reminded of

Master Rock,
Wow, you showed! I'm glad. It feels like every week you don't really have time to write to your full potential and you give us something you penned quickly just to give us SOMETHING. Which is cool. A lot of people would just no show, myself probably included. It's nice to have your participation even if we can't have the best of you. The last verse of yours I remember that had some real effort shown was that one against Halo where you went with a more abstract approach. You write emotion quite well, so I'm always kinda hoping for a polished verse from you with an emotionally charged topic. One of these days I'm sure. This one, like many of your others, had flashes of brilliance but felt very incomplete and unpolished. Mechanics is probably your weakest point, - you're writing borderline poetry here dawg. This art form is supposed to be rhythm and rhymes. Anyway, these lines stood out to me most:

I feel the drips burning as the rain gently weeps
^ thought that was an interesting line

looked for heaven out my window and all I felt was the wind blow
^nice

Adverse takes this fairly handily

NYCSPITZ · 07-10-2022, 10:33 AM

Ok lil battle here

I liked adverse’s approach of her being a serial killer victim, I mean clearly it’s a human in a sheet so I thought it could have been flipped less abstractly but beggars can’t be choosers. You some negative ass muh fucka. Anywho, this shit was cool, nothing mind blowing but well put together and had a coherent topic. Few nice imagery lines to it

Master rock felt like he just keystyled some shit up. It’s better than what most humans can do, but not enough in a topical league filled with grizzled longtime text warriors. Had some nice lines but it just didn’t get fleshed out, lol @ you did it all negative like adverse whatever tho. Hope to see you drop a bomb soon.

MVGT adverse

07-02-2022, 04:15 PM	#1
Adverse low tide in serotonin bay Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 2,741 Battle Record: 37-28 Champed - GWL Picture Challenge - Guerrilla Writing League - Black August II Rep Power: 15446143	WEEK TWELVE: ADVERSE (4-3) vs MASTER ROCK (5-5) ADVERSE WINS 3-0 AOWL Season X WEEK TWELVE @Master Rock Verse Due: THURSDAY JULY 7TH @ 11:59 PM EST Line min: 10 Max: 60 Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311 Topic: GOOD LUCK

07-02-2022, 07:32 PM	#2
Master Rock Steadily Lurking Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Beyond your reach Posts: 1,332 Battle Record: 7-7 Champed - Netcees Writers League Rep Power: 5599638	Boo! __________________ https://www.instagram.com/master_rock1/ https://www.youtube.com/graphicalmindz

07-07-2022, 11:05 PM	#4
Master Rock Steadily Lurking Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Beyond your reach Posts: 1,332 Battle Record: 7-7 Champed - Netcees Writers League Rep Power: 5599638	Ext __________________ https://www.instagram.com/master_rock1/ https://www.youtube.com/graphicalmindz

07-10-2022, 01:19 AM	#5
Master Rock Steadily Lurking Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: Beyond your reach Posts: 1,332 Battle Record: 7-7 Champed - Netcees Writers League Rep Power: 5599638	Hollow lost in a cold stare case close, they say... I glimpse in the midst, and a voice whispers loudly... "please stay" with me, in agony, I feel the drips burning as the rain gently weeps... across my cheeks...I'm roaring... challenging the universe, demanding an answer about exactly what is so good about this grief? it's like sulfur, its burning holes upon my streak my raw eyes, I can run away, but the truth is that there's nowhere to hide in plain sight, just hand me the sheets even if the folds are torn, this pain will never deplete 21 grams departed before I even saw the mourn a new flash, the phone rings, urgency what!?! we both scream! No!!! please come emergency praying to God... against me the odds. silent echos... blankly the walls answer no why? justify...truth and lies...is it because the process says so?... but it's not their time...one more talk and I will never know how it will go... I looked for heaven out my window and all I felt was the wind blow is your presence here? My mind tells me so, I glimpse at the curtains move near my closed window __________________ https://www.instagram.com/master_rock1/ https://www.youtube.com/graphicalmindz

07-10-2022, 04:37 AM	#6
Soule Save The Sea Join Date: Aug 2021 Location: Oregon Posts: 553 Rep Power: 3013536	Adverse. I think this was cool. A bit elementary with the wording but it was a cohesive narrative. The ending a tid bit predictable but sall good. Maybe more internal multies though the flow didn't seem to struggle. RIP Ruby. Rock, this was alright for what it was. Definitely appreciate you coming in last second, seven days to write 10-40 lines definitely isn't enough... Flow was alright for the most part. Felt the narrative was a bit abrupt. I dunno. To me it definitely feels like a piece just for the sake of showing. I've read your stuff before and this ain't it mate. Vote Adverse for dropping a complete, more enjoyable piece. __________________

07-07-2022, 02:23 PM	#3
Adverse low tide in serotonin bay Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 2,741 Battle Record: 37-28 Champed - GWL Picture Challenge - Guerrilla Writing League - Black August II Rep Power: 15446143	Poor Little Ruby Sue, All she ever wanted to do was be seen The more I think about it, it was a ludicrous dream It’s hard existing amongst the living when you’re donning a sheet But much to her dismay, every single day was Halloween And she had to view the world from the eyeholes chopped sloppily through the seams From the rot of the leaves, all the way to the rejuvenated blossoms of spring Moved to Los Angeles at the tender age of nineteen But for some reason, she never mixed with the Hollywood scene Mad attractive but still they never gawked on the streets She even walked down Rodeo naked and didn’t garner a peep Maybe she could blame the disconnect on a dissociative society Staring down at their glowing screens and zombified entirely Souls heavy, she don’t have anyone and there’s nowhere left to run Her ghastly white skin fails to bronze in the California sun She hasn’t received a phone call the whole winter Her family stopped setting a place for her at holiday dinners Like knowing her was a burden they never seek to be reminded of Watches as they eat in silence, peeking in from the outside shrubs And ponders what atrocities she committed to be casted out Never got an explanation why and that’s the thing that she’s saddest ‘bout So many lonely sunrises so she’d sit and watch in solitude As the bright Orange sun burned holes into the nights loneliness and solemn blues Thinking maybe if the morning came and melts away all the gloom Maybe one day her sky would brighten and dissipate the darkness too Holed up in a hotel lobby to evade all the drops of rain Nodding off to the overcast greys on another forgotten day She prayed that her pain would be washed away.. Suddenly, she was shocked awake The lobby tv proclaiming “breaking news” wrapped in a banner of red At first, she didn’t even understand what it said As she read the sentence again, the sweetest rain started falling down “Serial killer apprehended, 8 separate bodies found” She felt a peace wash over her that she’d never felt before And the threadbare costume that she wore fell to shreds upon the floor A slideshow of the slain girls played through, she saw her own face and then grinned “Finally, now everybody can see me again.”

07-10-2022, 08:33 AM	#7
Dominate Tread Lightly. Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 2,310 Battle Record: 26-9 Champed - Netcees Battle League - Battle Arena - Tag Team Tournament III - Tag Tournament: "Omicron Variant" Rep Power: 18197456	LMAO I thought this pic looked kind of cute and wholesome but both of you morose fucks made it into something sad. Adverse, The pic didn't give you a whole lot to work with in terms of story, but I thought what you came up with was pretty cool and creative. The 'ghost that can't move on until killer is apprehended' idea was cool enough as a premise, but the extra layer of the character feeling unseen and forgotten by her family bc the lack of closure was too painful for them to want to think about her gave this some emotional depth. Poor little Ruby Sue indeed. Mechanically there was a little room for improvement here. It wasn't bad, I just mean there were a few places where the rhythm was lost and I felt like it could have been fixed with a bit of tweaking. The last stanza was really good in this respect though. Some favourite individual lines: Her ghastly white skin fails to bronze in the California sun Her family stopped setting a place for her at holiday dinners Like knowing her was a burden they never seek to be reminded of Master Rock, Wow, you showed! I'm glad. It feels like every week you don't really have time to write to your full potential and you give us something you penned quickly just to give us SOMETHING. Which is cool. A lot of people would just no show, myself probably included. It's nice to have your participation even if we can't have the best of you. The last verse of yours I remember that had some real effort shown was that one against Halo where you went with a more abstract approach. You write emotion quite well, so I'm always kinda hoping for a polished verse from you with an emotionally charged topic. One of these days I'm sure. This one, like many of your others, had flashes of brilliance but felt very incomplete and unpolished. Mechanics is probably your weakest point, - you're writing borderline poetry here dawg. This art form is supposed to be rhythm and rhymes. Anyway, these lines stood out to me most: I feel the drips burning as the rain gently weeps ^ thought that was an interesting line looked for heaven out my window and all I felt was the wind blow ^nice Adverse takes this fairly handily __________________ The Bad Guys

07-10-2022, 10:33 AM	#8
NYCSPITZ SYRACUSE Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,033 Battle Record: 31-37 Champed - Write Night II - Alias Topical Tournament Rep Power: 4743544	Ok lil battle here I liked adverse’s approach of her being a serial killer victim, I mean clearly it’s a human in a sheet so I thought it could have been flipped less abstractly but beggars can’t be choosers. You some negative ass muh fucka. Anywho, this shit was cool, nothing mind blowing but well put together and had a coherent topic. Few nice imagery lines to it Master rock felt like he just keystyled some shit up. It’s better than what most humans can do, but not enough in a topical league filled with grizzled longtime text warriors. Had some nice lines but it just didn’t get fleshed out, lol @ you did it all negative like adverse whatever tho. Hope to see you drop a bomb soon. MVGT adverse __________________ UNIFIED THEORY