Shrug

[Rawn MD]

He steams and then blows up...
his own treasonous soldier, stuck in a zenith of novas
eyes to the heavens; mouth open; Eden - ambrosia
The serpents released skin, his beacon is hopeless
just citizen kane's dreaming of rosebud; feigning, but focused
seeing the sequence, but keeps repeatin it over
to see through the fog, his heat in this cold front
keeps feeding the cobra, leaking; squeamishly sober
he teases the vultures, while preening his coat up,
but its easy to coax em; deceive with emotions
his genius is stroking, bereavements been broken
on his last leg leaning, his reprieve being loaded
the bees keep stinging, cleaving their own stun
vehemently shogun; him being the lone gun
his speech. uneasy; labored breathing, slow tongued
envy greening; the greed being explosive
the seizure's robust; plague, Egyptian locusts
reachin achievements, needs depleted; hopes bust
but, leads from the crows nest, with Theseus's motion
to where the wind takes him; breathing his own gusts

[Rawn MD]

http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=49368
http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=52211

[Just Write]

Those first three lines gave me a boner, No srs. Super smooth, the whole read actually.. the coax em/emotion strokingģbroken lines were nice too. Nice to see u post again

[Alfred Kipling]

nicely done

his own treasonous soldier, stuck in a zenith of novas
eyes to the heavens; mouth open; Eden - ambrosia
The serpents released skin, his beacon is hopeless

pretty much like a rhyme exercise it seems.

dope

[Rawn MD]

pls elaborate on the gif?1?!?!

[PancakeBrah]

bunch of rhymes. not feeling it.

[Rawn MD]

lol, its way deeper than just rhymes, but i would expect that from u.
thanks 4 the read tho

[PancakeBrah]

Nah its just a bunch of rhymes trying to sound deep.

Try harder to do better next time.

[Rawn MD]

ur a dolt. enuff said.

i welcome ne one elses opinion with the exception of pancake

[PancakeBrah]

I'm stuck in a zenith of novas

[Rawn MD]

good 4 u

[Natural]

This was smooth. I think the word zenith is used in a pretty abstract way here, given its meaning.
Enjoyable beyond that.

[ill nik-A]

Man as a whole it was solid for what it was... The schemes is what drove this piece IMO... Some stanzas were better than others, intro was great ender line was dope

[Eviscerate]

not a fan of this particular style verse, but this section was dope af...

the bees keep stinging, cleaving their own stun
vehemently shogun; him being the lone gun
his speech. uneasy; labored breathing, slow tongued
envy greening; the greed being explosive
the seizure's robust; plague, Egyptian locusts
reachin achievements, needs depleted; hopes bust

flow was on point as usual. though the subject matter didn't tickle my fancy, the actual technical aspect of this verse was solid and with sound imagery. the Egyptian locusts shit was a dope visual.

Nice to see u still rockin my ninja.
1

[Rawn MD]

word, good to c u still here on occasion to evis

[namix]

This is great imo, and while the rhyme/structure is clearly at the forefront --- this is one of those pieces which has some depth that is easy to overlook due to the expectations we develop by "reading in rhythm"...

My constructive criticism is that there are times that the "swag and flow" feel of the drop almost actually took away from a deeper point.... sometimes an extensive vocab itself can actually negate from the ingenuity (and come off like a "try-hard")

that said --- this is a theme which SHOULD resonate with anyone who is self-aware and in touch with their own humanity.

"In through the nose" --- a somewhat misleading title, but potentially in a good way... it was intriguing enough to make someone open it, but was really just setting the stage for the flow to come.... "he steams and blows up".
------)> by just experiencing, it's almost hard not to get mad for most... without being completely wreckless for most of my life, i wouldnt have gotten to the point I 'needed' to change, which lead me to a point to manage that kind of emotion ---- otherwise, I would not own a site that is pretty much dedicated to making others mad at this juncture lol..... it resonates.

"his own treasonous soldier, stuck in a zenith of novas"
----)> I had to look up the word "zenith" because I forgot what it meant --- but i did remember when I read the definition.... it is something to be aware of though - alluded to in other feedback as well... more the ambrosia, though, that was the second word i did not remember in this.... however - that all said, THE IMAGERY OF "ZENITH OF NOVAS" is flat out ill.....

he is his own treasonous soldier --- a great way to frame up the concept of "his own worst enemy", and in a more fiery way as the tone was set in in through the nose, he steams and blows up....

a fucking ZENITH of NOVAS is basically being the canvass which captures your own explosiveness..... blow up by your own choosing, and take a picture of it.... it's pretty much why we all fuck up and why the world is fucked up.....


there is plenty of shit to take away from the first bar alone contrary to some feedback -- but the only other line i want to make sure to touch on is this concept:

"SEEING THE SEQUENCE, BUT KEEPS REPEATING IT OVER"
^^ from habits to history. from enlightenment to hell on earth. the ebbs and flows of life yo ---- further reinforcing the fact that, IF you see the sequence YET you self-destruct, that is the ultimate form of "treasonous soldier".

this is my favorite drop that i've read from you Rawn, good shit. dug some other things intermixed, from the snake allusions in the cobra to the egyptian locusts... ALL still explosive.




Truth can echo through anyone at anytime in any way.

Those who do not take away more from this than a rhyme scheme will benefit by considering the possibility that the message was lost at point B vs. point A.

[Hush]

Dug it