The Passenger

[Batty]

Hey, whats up, mommy?! you know it's me, your favorite fetus
Where's that man that helped you make me, he comin' back ta see us?
Really hope he needs us like a family, is it time for you to feed us?
and since I'm growin' toes now where my feet is, can I get a pair-a-Adidas?
Mommy, I can tell I'm real and I know that you're real too
cause everytime you laugh or cry, it's the same way I feel too!
I'm really lookin' forward to the day that I get ta see you
Imma try to develop fast and strong, I really hope I please you
I love it when you get fresh air, it really does appease me
it helps to clear that smokey smell that's made me kinda wheezy
Mommy, I know you get sad sometimes, but we will have each other
when my arms get long and strong, My hugs'll remind you you're my mother
Hey!, it must be feeding time! but Ewww, I'm tasting something yucky..
Mommy, it really burns my eyes - I don't want for it to touch me!
Mommy, do something! Mommy, please help me here, it hurts
I'm trying to swim away from it, but now my arms won't work!
I'm fighting hard here, Mommy! I want to be ya soldier
Gotta make it through this fight but yo I'm gettin' kinda cold here
Gotta make it to that day, remember what I told ya?
I'm gonna try to fix my arms, so that one day I can hold ya...

Mommy?....Mommy....I....can't....feel....you....
Mommy I'm scared....
Momm....

[veritas]

Smooth flow Jerome. Dope concept. excellent imagery and the ending is right.

Flow more.

Edit: if sen. Fluker reads this....maybe he wont be so on the fence about abortion eh?

[Illume]

Originally Posted by Batty

Hey, whats up, mommy?! you know it's me, your favorite fetus
Where's that man that helped you make me, he comin' back ta see us?
Really hope he needs us like a family, is it time for you to feed us?
and since I'm growin' toes now where my feet is, can I get a pair-a-Adidas?
Mommy, I can tell I'm real and I know that you're real too
cause everytime you laugh or cry, it's the same way I feel too!
I'm really lookin' forward to the day that I get ta see you
Imma try to develop fast and strong, I really hope I please you
I love it when you get fresh air, it really does appease me
it helps to clear that smokey smell that's made me kinda wheezy
Mommy, I know you get sad sometimes, but we will have each other
when my arms get long and strong, My hugs'll remind you you're my mother
Hey!, it must be feeding time! but Ewww, I'm tasting something yucky..
Mommy, it really burns my eyes - I don't want for it to touch me!
Mommy, do something! Mommy, please help me here, it hurts
I'm trying to swim away from it, but now my arms won't work!
I'm fighting hard here, Mommy! I want to be ya soldier
Gotta make it through this fight but yo I'm gettin' kinda cold here
Gotta make it to that day, remember what I told ya?
I'm gonna try to fix my arms, so that one day I can hold ya...

Mommy?....Mommy....I....can't....feel....you....
Mommy I'm scared....
Momm....

Im a grown man and this hit a nerve .. fuckin fetuses gotta be the biggest de-egotizin shit on Earth. Raw.

[Dove Dozer]

Dope piece here. A tad simple as far as syllables go, but still this is sick, great work

[Illume]

In fact, I never feed twice .. but fuck it .. I want this on audio. Nowadays rap with a moral message is everywhere. These are easy to follow bars, the scheme is good, the words are simple, it's plain enough for the dumbest dumbass to understand but it's still a fuckn incredibly powerful message.

With the right diction and inflection this is gold.

Audio it. Or I will. That's copyright infringement but you get the point.

[PancakeBrah]

Thought this was pretty good. The concept wasn't special to me. The wording seemed a bit obvious. But you started off right there. The verse is bare, just an open wound. Left its message and that's it. I liked it. Encapsulated in a capsule.

Pro-choice is the correct answer but I can accept a well written piece. This wasn't "well-written" by the normal standards here but you don't really drop so it was a refreshing different style. Cool read.

[Batty]

Originally Posted by Illume

In fact, I never feed twice .. but fuck it .. I want this on audio. Nowadays rap with a moral message is everywhere. These are easy to follow bars, the scheme is good, the words are simple, it's plain enough for the dumbest dumbass to understand but it's still a fuckn incredibly powerful message.

With the right diction and inflection this is gold.

Audio it. Or I will. That's copyright infringement but you get the point.

Preciate that, bro. Trust, if you wanna record this I'd be honored to hear what you do with it. I wrote this prolly 6-8 years ago I think. But yeah, it'd be cool as shit to see what you can do with it, I don't copyright any of my shit.

[Coup]

so mom was not with child, she was with fetus...is this how we justify murder by saying the child is a fish in the womb? haha, na i aint trying to get political, but this is crazy to me

this is a hard saying bro. conceptually this was strung together well, not straying to the right nor left and on point as far as delivering a concept. word

[Nigma]

Trippy piece, im sure something similar has been done before but was original to me. Kinda read poetryish to me with your syllable placements, had a few bars with nicely balanced syllable counts and other lines that were a bit off. Still read smoothly. Felt you could have approached the ending with anticipation buildup, kinda fizzled out a bit imo. good shiznit overall

[big baby]

lmao lil baby got BODIED it seems? not like big baby. big baby strong hug mommy

[Nigma]

Originally Posted by big baby

lmao lil baby got BODIED it seems? not like big baby. big baby strong hug mommy

Whered your posts go coach?

[Illume]

Originally Posted by Nigma

Whered your posts go coach?

1 person likes this.

[Eŋg]

lol. i liked this, though. word.