Quick Bars

[voidformula]

I try to bang out a few verses everyday, here's one from a few minutes ago;

A gruesome image resides vivid in his imaginary mind
Lines far from crossed grow closer each second of time
As the voices lower pitch into demonic states of chime
The restraints once tainting are now consequences deprived
Disguised as his saviour his one single truth within
Slowly reveals the shades which included his kin
The constant pressure to remain a stupor for sins
Starts exterminating reasoning that stood as a brim
Each second passing from the crying to the rattling
Piece by piece adds up to what had to of been
An agonizing pain too strong to withstand
So he reached for his chambered out and clutched the pin
Silence surrounded no sirens would come
Kiss on the forehead thought what have I done
Her infant chest exposing ribs to the sun
Society drained his already minuscule funds
Scavenging the dresser once containing his gun
For any change to escape his loved one
Her scene at the crime will be more than he can handle
Pacing back and forth gripping only a candle
Days never seemed so dark light surrounding dismantles
With nowhere to hide he resides laying with eyes closed
One final breath and his fate is now chose
The heavens reject and satan has spoke

I'm not happy with the 2nd half. Starts to get a bit too simple on the rhyming, but whatever was just some quick shit. Any critics are welcome.

[Mike Wrecka]

u critiqued urself perfectly. it started off dope and tailed off as it when it along. I bet its because you spent more time on the first few bars. I do the same thing. but ya if your not happy with the piece don't post it. work on it more. cause this had a lot of potential. as it is. I liked it. just didn't like seeing the skill level take a downward turn. anyway good stuff. keep droppin

[Geno]

Feels like you have a lot more to offer. Seeing as how you said this was a quick piece.. that's what I took it for. Had some dope storytelling behind it.. found it talking about a character who seemed to be built up a little in the beginning and then started to break down what the build up was caused by. I tthink if you take your time and find your flow/scheme a little better, that you would be more happy with the outcome. But you already knew that I think. Good to see a new face, stay active and keep posting. Peep other peoples posts and respond when you have time.. this will also help you grow and you'll find that more people will feed you if your doing the same.

Stay up

[Camp Bell]

i actually liked this all the way through, nothing super serious
but it was a good story overall..the flow was basic toward the
end but not enough to hurt as you stayed on key the whole way
through..im sure you have doper shit coming out tho. good drop

[voidformula]

I think my main problem is how I write. I'll throw on an instrumental and can usually freestyle the first few bars no problem but then I'll stutter a bit and have to stop. At which point I'll resort to re-reading and then trying to pick it back up again. Same shit happened with this shit I just did. First 4 lines all off the top of the head and then I tried writing the last 4;

What's your method of mayhem ill tell you what mine is
I sit down open up my binder of violence
Start vibin' to a record of silence
And when the time hits release the vocals on a track like nine inch
I'm no Manson but I speak like his prime
Precise ransom notes secrete warnings to resign
A handsome face I'd hate to bring heat with the nine
And place your teeth in a state of decline

[Darth Yoda]

I liked the consistency.