WK16: 8-5 Mr. J vs. 3-8 Timeless - Mr J wins

Adonis · 11-07-2015, 10:16 AM

AOWL Season V, Week 16

SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
WEDNESDAY at 9 P.M. Pacific/West Coast or WEDNESDAY 11:59 PM Eastern / 6:00 AM THURSDAY Central European/London
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Friday at 4:00 p.m. Western / or Friday 7:00 PM Eastern / 1:00 AM Saturday Central European/London Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

All competitors must vote on THREE battles

Read the full rules here!

Topic: Flickering Light

G/Luck

Mr. J · 11-11-2015, 08:15 PM

I am drawn by the unknown, captivated by the mystery of night
who knew in these moments; we could bring modern history to life
we could toss misery aside and focus on the limits we find...
recreate the visions of the mind that seem distant...
Aside from a few intellectuals we often see how ignorance survives
between the instances of lies & behind those images who hide
I find a relaxation, I recline, and become the witness of times...
My how the times have changed, how talent has diminished inside
look at the willingness to fatten themselves up while sippin a Sprite...
what a cool theatre....now I have to find the restroom in the flickering light

timeless · 11-11-2015, 10:03 PM

Adrift with the tide, nightfall lends its falling sky.
Cries heard from the inlet, images of solemn eyes.
Limited, calm and wise. Endurance of a thousand lives.
Mourning the adored men who all found their minds...

...Then they fucking lost 'em again!
Now, let's take a second and pretend :
On your last text you didn't hit SEND,
And the receiver didn't read it while speeding around a bend.
Seemingly you'd be ahead,
but now you're still breathing.
And SHE'S DEAD!

Close your eyes and imagine :
Broken minds missing passion.

Exis · 11-12-2015, 03:17 AM

Mr. J - This is one of the better flowin' pieces I've read from you, multies are nice with it...content is straight...Its short & sweet, couldn't ask for much else.

timeless - your multies are off @ times which makes places odd when readin' for me...length hurts things also...some of what's here be ok but there's just too little of it & what is served up isn't really to my taste so yeah.

Vote - Mary Jane.

MMLP · 11-12-2015, 05:17 AM

I think its fair to keep this brief.. a real end of season match up here

Tim - hard to really know what was going on in ur verse, a crash caused by texting? I didn’t really know what the ending was supposed to say/ represent, maybe it’s a subliminal and im having a blond moment but the ending could have been cleared up to finish the scene you created, that’s my only real criticism for relatively short piece

J’s flow and delivery of the topic was much smoother, ‘sippin a sprite’ lolololol loved it!
Nice take on a topic and executed really well. I have to consider you top tier becuz this come across seemingly effortless tbh (keyed). Good little read here.

v/ Mr J this time

2tripple0 · 11-12-2015, 02:08 PM

For me I felt like Mr j's verse was a bit too generic whereas timeless came with some dope material beginning middle and end....it was also fresh structure which often isn't like timeless to do so yeah because his piece felt more intriguing to me whereas mr j was a bunch of rhymes with no meaning really portrayed throughout his work so yeah,......vote: timeless

asylum · 11-12-2015, 05:53 PM

Mr. J - great flow, rhymes are proper. had no idea what was going on until the end, you did weave it in throughout. I enjoyed your tone. very calming, melodic. however, your last bar was in a completely different voice. it threw me off. favorite lines..
I am drawn by the unknown, captivated by the mystery of night
who knew in these moments; we could bring modern history to life

good openening lines. got me interested enough to get into it.

timeless - for such a short piece, I don't think the breaks were appropriate. sticking to the same tone would've helped you a bit. rhymes were very simple in the second stanza, but the first one was strong. I think you should've stuck with the tone from the first stanza but in all reality you were going for a twist in a very short amount of lines so you gave it a good shot. I think this was hit and miss but you did a lot with what space you had available, so with that being said.. this was a cool little piece and I enjoyed the read but it was pretty fucked up!

/v mr j took this with mechanics and flow.

Nigma · 11-13-2015, 08:09 PM

j, good job creating something in that few lines. cool enigmatic buildup and then revealing this unknown at the end, pretty effective at this length so well done. mechanics sound as well.

timeless, a decent segment of writing, but it kinda felt just like that. mechanics weren't bad at all but the progression of the content just felt like it would have been better suited for a longer verse.

vote to the more complete verse

+1 Mr. J

11-07-2015, 10:16 AM	#1
Adonis Tsk Tsk Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Beer Goggles Posts: 4,834 Battle Record: 36-34 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - NFL Pick'em 2016-17 Rep Power: 9946446	WK16: 8-5 Mr. J vs. 3-8 Timeless - Mr J wins AOWL Season V, Week 16 SUMMARY OF RULES: Verses are due WEDNESDAY at 9 P.M. Pacific/West Coast or WEDNESDAY 11:59 PM Eastern / 6:00 AM THURSDAY Central European/London There are NO extensions. Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words). Votes are due Friday at 4:00 p.m. Western / or Friday 7:00 PM Eastern / 1:00 AM Saturday Central European/London Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week. All competitors must vote on THREE battles Read the full rules here! Topic: Flickering Light G/Luck __________________ I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR Last edited by Adonis; 11-11-2015 at 11:51 PM.

11-11-2015, 08:15 PM	#2
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,028 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349678	I am drawn by the unknown, captivated by the mystery of night who knew in these moments; we could bring modern history to life we could toss misery aside and focus on the limits we find... recreate the visions of the mind that seem distant... Aside from a few intellectuals we often see how ignorance survives between the instances of lies & behind those images who hide I find a relaxation, I recline, and become the witness of times... My how the times have changed, how talent has diminished inside look at the willingness to fatten themselves up while sippin a Sprite... what a cool theatre....now I have to find the restroom in the flickering light __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

11-12-2015, 02:08 PM	#6
2tripple0 death warmed over Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Downstairs illstreet dam Posts: 2,564 Battle Record: 6-21 Rep Power: 0	For me I felt like Mr j's verse was a bit too generic whereas timeless came with some dope material beginning middle and end....it was also fresh structure which often isn't like timeless to do so yeah because his piece felt more intriguing to me whereas mr j was a bunch of rhymes with no meaning really portrayed throughout his work so yeah,......vote: timeless __________________ https://soundcloud.com/user-876573949/ https://soundcloud.com/user-634430314/

11-13-2015, 08:09 PM	#8
Nigma The COAT... Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: BC, Canada Posts: 1,724 Battle Record: 28-20 Champed - Art of Writing League (x3) Rep Power: 4595810	j, good job creating something in that few lines. cool enigmatic buildup and then revealing this unknown at the end, pretty effective at this length so well done. mechanics sound as well. timeless, a decent segment of writing, but it kinda felt just like that. mechanics weren't bad at all but the progression of the content just felt like it would have been better suited for a longer verse. vote to the more complete verse +1 Mr. J __________________

11-11-2015, 10:03 PM	#3
timeless past tense Join Date: Nov 2013 Location: NJ Posts: 1,627 Battle Record: 22-39 Rep Power: 4341326	Adrift with the tide, nightfall lends its falling sky. Cries heard from the inlet, images of solemn eyes. Limited, calm and wise. Endurance of a thousand lives. Mourning the adored men who all found their minds... ...Then they fucking lost 'em again! Now, let's take a second and pretend : On your last text you didn't hit SEND, And the receiver didn't read it while speeding around a bend. Seemingly you'd be ahead, but now you're still breathing. And SHE'S DEAD! Close your eyes and imagine : Broken minds missing passion.

11-12-2015, 03:17 AM	#4
Exis ............ Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 3,938 Battle Record: 3-3 Rep Power: 0	Mr. J - This is one of the better flowin' pieces I've read from you, multies are nice with it...content is straight...Its short & sweet, couldn't ask for much else. timeless - your multies are off @ times which makes places odd when readin' for me...length hurts things also...some of what's here be ok but there's just too little of it & what is served up isn't really to my taste so yeah. Vote - Mary Jane.

11-12-2015, 05:17 AM	#5
MMLP Senior Member Join Date: Mar 2013 Posts: 600 Battle Record: 15-16 Champed - Write Week 9 Rep Power: 9768088	I think its fair to keep this brief.. a real end of season match up here Tim - hard to really know what was going on in ur verse, a crash caused by texting? I didn’t really know what the ending was supposed to say/ represent, maybe it’s a subliminal and im having a blond moment but the ending could have been cleared up to finish the scene you created, that’s my only real criticism for relatively short piece J’s flow and delivery of the topic was much smoother, ‘sippin a sprite’ lolololol loved it! Nice take on a topic and executed really well. I have to consider you top tier becuz this come across seemingly effortless tbh (keyed). Good little read here. v/ Mr J this time

11-12-2015, 05:53 PM	#7
asylum Senior Member Join Date: Sep 2014 Posts: 993 Battle Record: 7-5 Rep Power: 8214208	Mr. J - great flow, rhymes are proper. had no idea what was going on until the end, you did weave it in throughout. I enjoyed your tone. very calming, melodic. however, your last bar was in a completely different voice. it threw me off. favorite lines.. I am drawn by the unknown, captivated by the mystery of night who knew in these moments; we could bring modern history to life good openening lines. got me interested enough to get into it. timeless - for such a short piece, I don't think the breaks were appropriate. sticking to the same tone would've helped you a bit. rhymes were very simple in the second stanza, but the first one was strong. I think you should've stuck with the tone from the first stanza but in all reality you were going for a twist in a very short amount of lines so you gave it a good shot. I think this was hit and miss but you did a lot with what space you had available, so with that being said.. this was a cool little piece and I enjoyed the read but it was pretty fucked up! /v mr j took this with mechanics and flow.