02-22-2018, 10:19 PM | #1 |
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WEEK VIII: Problumatic vs King Ra.
Season 8 Verses are due THURSDAY at 11:59PM EST Voting ends SUNDAY at 9:00PM EST Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words Voting on 3 battles is required. Topic: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=126253 @Problumatic vs @King Ra. Goodluck! |
02-23-2018, 12:09 AM | #2 |
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Check
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02-23-2018, 06:35 PM | #3 |
The Throne, The Crown
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Here.
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Vetwork, bitches.
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03-01-2018, 10:11 PM | #4 |
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The Stone Clock She was waitin' on the corner of the street Rain pouring down, it was stormin', there was sleet Pants tore, lookin' for a portion of the check While the land lord been informing her to leave sorting through the grief on the border of defeat Winter snow, snort it low, until the torture decreased But all I ever wanted was the best for you You need warmth baby, I would burn to death for you I seen depth in you, seen you falling apart, seen the severed roots I Seen you bargain tomorrow...tryna offer today, Hope darkness would fade, tarnished in sorrow, till ya carcass decays You Put a end to the truth as soon as you’d start lies I’d pretend but I knew, consumed with a harsh vibe muted and walked by, the usual, you’d do, ya know, suitable heart line.. It spikes up like the feeling I felt when I lay with you... So numb to the situation, numb, til the pain hits you... Stained tissue...Blame with the same quick use.. I’d often put it down..pick it up soon as them lips move She was addicted for life..for life you were addicted.. She was inflicted with darkness, it shed light on the image It was a brisk morning and the bird chirped with dismay... the touch of the sun burned worse for much of the day... she needed a cure for the itch..relief served for the veins... She grabbed her purse off the counter..my knees jerking in place.. I pleaded...please don’t go!!!! My tears burst in a rage... She looked me in my eyes.. and suddenly time stood still... A clock made from stone.. that only moved for invited thrills... Silence filled the room and the home we’ve come to known... the drugs impulse stung my soul..it made her a gutless clone.. so much to know...so little to figure out.. but I had little doubt..she’d filter it out I’ve considered it now..should I just leave you be.... Stop paying the bills..let you live on the street? Stop paying attention..let you live in defeat.? Paying to stop..to stop is to pay.. wait.. is stopping paying too? I was confused... I let you walk out of the door by evading the truth.. And to this moment still look back on the days of our youth.. so embrasive to relation..to forsaken and used.. You never came back and I never went looking.. I walked these train tracks..feeling dented and shooken. Because when I stumbled upon you..you had a foot in the grave.. But this time we crossed paths.. there’s only a Bouquet.. I stared up at your name..I felt the chills down my spine.. Tears run down my face as fast as you ran out of my life. Wishing I would of saved you..but this is fate interjecting your tombstone, the same the stone clock. Ticking in an aimless direction.... Last edited by Problumatic; 03-04-2018 at 04:08 PM. |
03-04-2018, 11:57 AM | #6 |
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Damn. Didn't even see this until now. I'll drop some thoughts on it in a bit.
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03-04-2018, 08:18 PM | #7 | |||||
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Prob, aren't you originally from RB/RIA or am I tripping?
The Stone Clock Quote:
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However, I still don't know what this story is all about. I understand you're painting the picture of a loving but ultimately troubled relationship, but to what effect? I wonder. Guess I"ll just have to keep reading to find out. Quote:
So in conclusion: I THINK your story was about a lover. Then a breakup. Then she dies. Right? I actually hope I'm not right. I could have very well missed something. An undertone. Underlying theme. Layered effect. I sincerely hope I did. If not than meh. Can't really give you props for the topic/concept. It's cliche and probably tied for the most trite and overused plot line in the history of topicals. That and the drunk abusive (either sexually or physically) father template. However, with that said. You're a damn good writer. There are no ifs, ands or buts about it. You can probably beat anyone here if given the right topic. But your last two verses, concept wise, have read like your just going through the motions. I don't mean to offend or insult you. Nor is it my intention to shit on your work. I wouldn't say you have "potential" either. You're past any sort of mechanical related constructive critisim that I can offer you. I suppose all that I'm really trying to say is to think outside the box and pick a topic that really captures the minds of your audience. Everything else in your arsenal is vet-level. Feel me? Last edited by ACTIVATE SELF; 03-04-2018 at 08:48 PM. |
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