WEEK FIFTEEN CHAMPIONSHIP: NYCSPITZ (8-2) vs FRANK (8-2) NYC WINS 3-2

[Adverse]

AOWL Season X WEEK FIFTEEN

@NYCSPITZ @Frank

Verse Due: WEDNESDAY AUGUST 4TH @ 11:59PM

Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

Topic:







GOOD LUCK

[NYCSPITZ]

Dope -

60.

[Frank]

deleted scene

[Frank]

“CUUT! CUT! CUUTTTTT!” The Director said. . . severing closed the clapperboard, like the pair of scissors, cutting along the edge of the bowl.
With a sharp and corrective tone: The Director told The Hair Dresser “To Go & Get The Comb” As their windswept hairdos got disheveled and strown.
Toting an Aerosol Can: The Hairdresser kept the weapon in their holster on the set of the show: Like the Smith & Wesson Berretta, with unregistered chrome
Head & Shoulders & Herbal Essence & other chemicals—Blow drying the brunette of their fro’s: as they got prepped for the role, The Director

Entering/Exiting

“Rolllllinng”
&
“Acctiiioon!”

Harriet’s letting go. . . of Harold & trembles, alone. . . her polyester sweater emits static electricity that makes her hair stand on the end of her skull
Harry held onto the unloaded handgun, in a menacing pose—aiming the red of the scope at the yellowing thread of her clothes, her brown eyes locked onto black eyes
With a spectrumless soul
The draft from the window was torrential, it roamed, with an unsettling flow, that made the hair on the back of their necks erect from the cold
The Hair Dresser froze. . . like Hair Gel, textured to hold. As Harold told Harriet to “Go, Get Help, Go!” Harry continued to aim—hell bent on control.
The Hair Dresser disinfected the comb, as the reflection broke: The razor sharp-serrating-shards-played-a-part-in turning the cameras lenses into fragmented spokes.
The actors flyaway hairs were kept close, like sideburns, temples-faded: the pellets grazing the ledge of their lobes. Harold’s Index: rose up, aimed dead-center
And Poked—While the Hair Dresser sprayed heat protectant spray: you could smell the keratin smoke: permafried, unkempt, it smelled messy and gross.
If a single strand of hair was out of place: The Director’s head would explode: like TRESemmé foam. The Hair Dresser used it to give the actors an edge in their roles.
“CUUT! CUT! CUUTTTTT!”The Director yelled into the Megaphone, as the cameras rolled, Harriet’s eyes were still glassy & swollen, from acting grown in panicking mode
The Director was taken aback by her charismatic woes & asked her Who Her Favorite Actress Was? Harriet answered: “Monroe” And her eyes sarcastically rolled
The Academy Awards called her: "A Shirley Temple Unknown" “She’d Be Flattered To Host!” Her Manager told the cast “Harriet Got Her Big Break In Show Biz!” And shattered their hopes
The Director pleaded with Harriet. . .Until Harriet chose to finish the film: The dandruff sebum buildup of film made for a head-scratching moment of Cinematic Gold
The Hair Dresser patted the towel, damp with soap, from rinsing and cleaning. . . the inner root of their follicle sheath were thinned and receding
If looks could kill, The Hair Dresser would’ve been imprisoned in the precinct for their hideous bleaching, their fidgeting zeeking and overall, unstylistic appeasement
Trimming the sequence, snipping and weaving. The Hair Dresser is primping and teasing, as Harriet’s hair becomes frizzless and seamless
Pretty ringlets with sequins, with a ribbon and leaflet: She looked at Harry’s widow’s peak, his fringe and his streaks and the itchless secretion
“CUUT! CUT! CUUTTTTT!”The Director convinced his leading character to agree to his conditioning treatment. But Harry was towel headed & tameless.
The director had him wrapped around a finger for an unsettled paycheck: If Harry broke the contract, he’d be stuck with the debt of the wages
It crushed him to know that Harriet was destined to make it. . .
The entanglement left him edgy and anxious, as the barrel spun around like French braiding. He checked the chamber and saw seven blanks and one pellet, waiting.
He saw a finger of blame stretching and waving, and broke character, eyes cutting back and forth between their index and their stainless.
Everyone felt famous, until the director shouted cut, with a sharp tongue, that was hair raising, his temperament changing, hair going from chestnut to grayish
The Director would wig out if the Hair Dresser was late. The Hair Dresser dreaded his beratement, like the teeth of a fine toothed comb’s asymmetrical straightening
Less breakage. . .Harriet was low maintenance like Bette Davis, Jean Harlow & Mae West. She looked like Plain Jane, but could act like Meryl, for her age
“CUUT! CUT! CUUTTTTT!”The Director said as Harry’s weapon banged The Directors chair with lead, making their parents tense
Harold protected Harriet. As Harry checked the handgun for ammunition and saw the barrel dispensed like an aerosol can, jammed with, parabens
& serums, the sulfates damaged & wrecked Harriet’s hair. She had to wear a barrette, her appearance looked shot like semi-automatic revenge
“Don’t You Dare Harm A Hair On Her Head!!!” The Hair Dresser said, from the clearance of the set. As Harry looked at Harold and looked at Harriet
The Director looked at them all through the despair of the lenses: as The Hair Dresser cared for their strands. The Director didn’t care, swearing and stressed
Harry let the gun go from his barbarian clench, as Harold pointed his finger at Harry’s chest: The Director teared out his hair, as the camera sped
“CUUT! CUT! CUUTTTTT!”"Do that mannerism again!” The Director said. . .”Give it your best shot!” As he ran back to the camera to shoot the cinema
With a renewed vigor: “Move Your Pistol Like That Again!” Harry knew that this was his chance to truly deliver, as he raised the gun like mousse spritzer
The Hair Dresser moved his scissors. . .As the Motion Movie Picture made its big screen debut ***FLICKER*** With rave reviews from their critics!
America’s Television Tubes Splittered, like cuticle chippage, with break out performances from Harry & Harold & their cutesy sister
America’s darlings were coiffured and ginger
The movie would’ve been more lucrative for the director, if he had pulled the trigger and hired a hair dresser who could really groom and snipper
The Hair Dresser made a “Come Hither” gesture to Harry, and muted his whisper; the volume of Harry’s hair got smoother and thicker.
The Hair Dresser shampooed & scissored, as the director snarled at the hairdo, bulk reduced & withered, he advised Harry not to let the moment slip through his fingers.
The Director had the crew under his thumb like two splinters. Whenever he had a bad hair day, he took it out on the crew, and filmed it.
“CUUT! CUT! CUUTTTTT!””This movie would’ve been universally bigger, if we hadn’t lost Harriet to that alluring client!
Paramount studios tricked her, with Merchandising: a roaring Grrring lion and wanted to make her the next Shirley pilot.
Harriet crossed her fingers and envisioned her admirers—as The Hair Dresser picked up the Curling Iron

[NYCSPITZ]

THE FALLOUT



It’s man versus mirror after the war. bad versus good in battles of course…
reality lashing with force - banished to chaos & fallout zones after the storms.
death grasping the oaks, Nuclear Winter: virtue disappeared like casper the ghost
enter young Summer and her father John; laughter bespoke
Tailor made for bastards & foes…or whenever Summer asked for a joke.
One minute he’s mackin on hoes, living life in its passionate throes -
blink once, it’s post war. MRE rations & bones, stepdaughter with her assassin alone
magical role - surrogate protector. That’s what her parents’ accident’s sown.

“Tell me another one, dad...”

a thief surreptitiously enters their lair. Strap fastened, unknown, ashen & bone
crafty as hell - fallout precipitation? She’s vaxxed from the snow. she ATTACKS the abode
Runs in pointing gats to the dome, shivering. John just grins & answers: “Shalom.”
Hardened by using abandoned buildings & empty campers as homes
it advanced his repose…I mean the yearly death rate was 34% from cancer alone…
eking out a living as New Hampshire erodes; witness this attempted Sapien animal poach -
A brief interlude of rattling bones; she’s frazzled but KNOWS
she’s in the right. then meets little Summer’s gaze as she’s grabbing him: “Don’t!”
John’s rankled - raising a finger, he sees the hag twitch
New England apocalypse. he grins: “Bang, bitch.”
Summer is anguished, as the intruder’s hand cannon’s continually brandished.
His confidence is massive: “I’m sorry, lady…my gun’s simply bigger and I can’t miss”
but she has to look after HER people & gadgets. Forever poaching from randoms and bandits
A million thoughts racing through her mind, like: ”Is this some phantom anguish…
A manifestation of my fear, evoking some sort of specter, this mansion’s tandem?”
She ‘screams’: “th-th-throw me your damn bag!!” Witness her anthem languish
her teeth chatter, the ground shakes under her platinum anklets…
He smiles and throws her the pouch haphazardly. It’s filled with Summer’s blanket
she eyes it nervously - he raises his finger again, smiling wider: “Bang, Bitch!”
Plotting her escape, her thoughts race - this scene feels like a reenactment
Another stain of cowardice painted on her during this fleeting madness
She reaches for the blanket; Summer’s eyes lock on hers, like a seething magnet
decreeing madness from precocious hazel eyes of the deepest palette.
Screaming at her without a word: “You fucking thief, your creed is bankrupt
Comedienne slut. Pay homage to your useless greed and then what?
see us defenseless. You’d spend YEARS justifying your preening resentment.
but even on your own team you’d be friendless. a demon; relentless
see our world’s broken. & these chameleon skins of “meaning” are endless -
your scheming? senseless…like you’re on a motorbike, careening, reckless
God courses your veins, but you’re a tortured soul intrigued by a death wish.
This time, your sin’s going to leave you shrieking and helpless -
Sleeping rebellious; at odds with shrinking self-esteem & your ceding wellness.”
SHAKE IT OFF TALIA. That little girl doesn’t have the insights that you do
spotting a window crack; pleading toward a hole within an inch height of her tomb
The AIR SPARKS with the sumptuous ruse of an imminent doom
that’s what killing’ll do, when you’re living with a militant group
when you’re involved in the evil machinations of war & venemous coups
whether tundra in landscape, junglebound, or in unlimited dunes…
Life’s scenes amp up a hundredfold in virulent hues…
Projecting future scenarios of conquests, compromises & equivalent news….
she breathes deep, her ligaments loose, no longer steeped in sin and confused
no longer interested in harmony or the easy cinch of a truce -
John doesn’t give a fuck, her infringement’s abuse; he springs like a moose
With ZERO FUCKS GIVEN; he’s killing this bitch and ending her youth
Her heart closes in an instant, she shuts her eyes hard and bangs out a shot
It grazes his shoulder - the pang of it’s hot but he rushes in - she’s mangled in shock
Looking up at the mighty warrior with tears in her eyes…”I’m Sorr-….”
Before she dangles&drops; an UNKNOWN MAN watches from another angle & rocks
Back & forth, looking through the window hole in tears - his partner in crime admittedly stopped
Though initially shocked…he swears revenge. Finds a hole to the 3rd floor quick,




and physically Drops.








.
.
.

[Universe]

Frank:

This was technically phenomenal once again. It's really amazing how you can string words together when you're in the zone, it comes off effortless - Like you're discovering the next rhyme scheme along with us. There's a revelatory factor to you that I really enjoy... Your verses are strategically planned out and manufactured but you come off like they're not, it's impressive and tough to do. You also stand out from the crowd in terms of flow, some may say it's 'choppy', but I can get into it once you get going and gather momentum.

Your vocabulary is great and your word choices, when and how to use them, is top tier. But I also know how you do it and seeing the final result is always great but when you actually write this stuff yourself you can see the blueprint. Doesn't make it any less impressive but it's something to point out.

Now the story... There's um, a lot to say here. First of all it IS good, sort of - But i feel like I'm reading the same fucking scene over and over again just in a different way. You write like 100 lines but really only have about 20-30 lines of content in terms of plot... IF THAT. It's all rinse and repeat with a new coat of paint. You cling to a concept like you can only think of one and it's your only lifeline... because, after reading you for weeks now, it is. You rolled with the CUT director and CUT hairdo parallel the entire time... It's technically amazing but DULL as fuck narratively. You have the versatility of a fucking cardboard box and, as talented as you are, a great story told in a technically proficient and creative way WILL beat you. You're just not capable of building any real narrative. But that's not your strength or really what you shoot for.

I liked this verse, Frank... I truly did. I was floored at some parts as I always am with you but you are predictable as it gets in terms of character development and plot... Your presentations are still cool but they have become stale over the weeks, and we all know what to expect by now... So in the end this was a technically high calibre verse from top to bottom with a repeating stale narrative concept that left the reader begging for something different halfway through... and they never got it.

Some great writing on display though, man. Thanks for the read.


NYCSpits:

There was a ton to unpack here in terms of story man. I had to read it three times to make sure I got where you were coming from... mostly what POV I was reading from because you bounced between Summer and the thief, pretty half hazardly, and I constantly had to go back and make sure I was reading from the proper perspective. When I did do this, it made sense... but I shouldn't have had to. There are still parts where I'm lost so... this is an issue in terms of your storytelling. It should be fairly simple to follow, if done right. Anyway, obviously it's a complicated tale but I love the creativity behind it - It's DIFFERENT, and I love that. I like the whole Fallout, post apocalyptic angle, although I wish a little more time was spent on building up to it for your characters sake, and the reader's connection to them, but at least you had something and it was appreciated.

This was miles ahead of Frank's verse in terms of narrative and character building. You gave us an actual original story and told it very well in a technical sense... just not at the same level as Frank's. The whole "phantom anguish/mansions tandem/anthem languish/platinum anklets" section for example, was noticeably forced and... not very good.

Okay so anyway, from what I gathered Summer has some sort of mutant ability to see the future, and even to talk to people telepathically. Makes me wonder if she always had this gift or if maybe somehow, whatever caused the Fallout might have altered her. You mentioned nuclear winter so I'm thinking radiation... Would make sense. I also like the whole Nuclear Winter/'Summer' dynamic you tossed in there. It was clever, and gave the character more than just another "name" to go by. It represented something metaphorically which is always great to see when that level of detail gets included.

I love how Summer talked to the intruder and actually altered her mindset amidst this attempted robbery. I love how TALIA fought it but eventually gave in... but by that point she was too far into it. John jumped on this moment of weakness and kills Talia, even though she reluctantly fires a shot in self defense. So you have this John/Father character who pretty much welcomes this shit as he knows Summer will break down the person's defenses and mental capacities, and at that moment he lashes out (or should I say, "springs like a moose? Ugh.) and kills them and, most likely, pillages them for supplies. This is such a cool narrative concept man, I can't begin to tell you how much I love it.

This is a really creative story and take on this topic which could've gone in a million different directions. I love the thought you put into this. There was questionable word choices for sure that were simply chosen to extend a rhyme scheme, which I get, but when you are saying "mansions tandem" or "springs like a moose"... yeah, probably time to switch it up. But these shortcomings were covered in the thick blanket of an amazing story driven verse that kept it safe, and as I said, I read it three times back to back to back and was glued to the screen.

I'm not getting the ending though? I get that we are seeing this event from the UNKNOWN MAN'S point of view through the window and... he is watching his partner get murdered by John, but... what is happening after that? Is he going after them? Did he hang himself? I don't really understand this and it bothers me that I don't. Maybe you can clear it up in Discussion later when the voting is done. Or maybe someone else can explain it in their vote. Regardless, this just felt like a deus ex machina right at the end, and is a huge storytelling no no... Some unknown man appears out of nowhere and he is the last thing we see as the story wraps up? Was he even hinted at before? Did I miss something? I don't think I did... I hated this ending and wanted to stay with the characters that you built up. There's no reason to cut away here (other than to explain away the POV of the topic picture) and we should've ended in Summer's POV... just my opinion. But either way this is another example of the narrative not being clear enough, and could be told better to the reader...

Great stuff overall though, man. Loved the story and the character work.

Anyway, so... Who the fuck wins this? I read Frank's verse once and I know I won't find anything I didn't see the first time. BUT, as I said, this is both a strength AND a weakness. Frank's piece didn't have the narrative depth of NYC's by a long shot, but he told his story clearly and concisely and at the highest possible technical level. This is a SKILL. NYC's story was insane but was also fairly confusing at times and required multiple double takes to grasp which POV we were reading from, what character was doing/saying/thinking what and when. Did it make sense once you worked it out? Yeah, it did. But I doubt people are going to do that to the extent that I did... and a lot of them will just shrug and move to the next bar. Also, although technically really good, there were some missteps and, compared to Frank's surgically sculpted work, NYC just couldn't keep up.

Now I'm faced with that age old dilemma... Technical proficiency vs. Story. Let's break it down:

Story/Characters - NYC

Technical Ability - Frank

Flow - Frank

Connection to the Topic: NYC

Presentation - Tie

Lasting Impression - NYC

This is a RAZOR close battle that will, again, be vote for vote and go back and forth depending on the reader. But for me, as I always do, I prefer a strong story... Give me something creative (and don't shit on the narrative like Adverse did) something different and from the heart , something that could be seen on THE BIG SCREEN and I'll vote for that every time. NYC's piece could be a movie, or a TV pilot on HBO. Frank's wouldn't get a second look from any producer. And although Frank is a masterful TECHNICAL writer, much better than NYC, his shortcomings are, unfortunately, what I look for in a topical piece.

And that's that.

CUT!

Vote: NYCSpits

[brokenhal0]

this was a close one i feel like nyc was lyrically impressive creating a more organic view of the reality he was building but at times its as if he played the role of his character too much and as weird as it seems if your a good writer like nycspitz...you have that sort of effect on the reader where even the smallest nuances break character and the vibe switches obviously this is subjective but for me as a reader it was noticeable ... where as frank using his word sorcery created of more tunnel vision effect to his environment with a bit more abstraction in scenario it builds like a movie scene franks style might be an acquired taste with the repetition and flow breaks but i appreciate the vision and personalizations he uses in his craft and this time the layered aspect of creating larger text and sharp punctuation really make the verse jump off the screen creating a very vivid scene..


MVGT -- FRANK

[Adverse]

This was an enjoyable read from both sides, both had their respective faults but I’ll get to that soon.

Frank:
This was your pretty typical Frank verse. Told a dizzying narrative around a subject of choice, milking said subject for every reference and metaphor you can get out of it. Last week was food and this was week hair. I thought the hair dresser being one of the central points of the narrative did nothing in my opinion. I understand having the POV being that of a neutral source and someone familiar with all the characters but all the hairdresser did here was their job, points for all the hair references and what not, sometimes I wonder if you research this stuff or if you have it all stored in your memory bank, either way still impressive with it. I thought the writing was great which is usually the trademark of a Frank verse. But no matter how great the writing was, this narrative literally went nowhere. These characters merely did their jobs and then life goes on I guess? You sprinkled in some tension with Harry being jealous of Harriet, with Harry and the director having a past. And then you foreshadowed Harry using the one actual bullet in the gun, but nothing came from it. I think had you explored some of those situations then this may have been better. Having this verse focused on a movie set and the crew was an interesting choice and I liked the thought of it, but the premise on paper is definitely better than what unfolded. I think you just tacked on the unresolved ending because of time constraints, not because that’s how you wanted the story to end. You’re easily one of the most gifted writers in this league but I just don’t think your piece said much this week. Plain and simple, I just wasn’t invested.

NYC:
This was kind of the antithesis of a usual NYC verse whereas everything took place in this single place/scene. That was interesting. From the get go could tell this was more of a rushed product than most of your verses have been this season. The point of views switching was confusing, just didn’t have that usual NYC touch to it, especially considering last week you wrote a daughter/son piece with switching viewpoints and were able to give your characters their own emotions and bring their voices to life in a better way. Liked the post apocalyptic setting, and liked the overall narrative although it wasn’t as strong as usual. Thought you sort of wrote yourself in circles this week, the stand-off lasted too long IMO and the ending phrase where her partner “physically dropped” was worded weird to me but I liked the concept of this woman getting offed and there being her partner in waiting ready to exact revenge for her. Drives home this whole dog eats dog world you created here. Don’t feel like this was your best work but it was serviceable

Overall feel like you both rushed your verses this week, narratives weren’t great in either and some of your key elements were just iffy or off. Frank had better mechanics and technical aspects but NYC story was just a tad more engaging which I value a lot in a topical and I’d give it to him. Good battle tho

V/NYC

[Mike Wrecka]

Think I enjoyed this battle a lot more than previous voters. Both verses were pretty amazing imo.

NYC - wrote a whole verse about a flash point moment in time. Which writing sixty lines about a ten second encounter is extremely difficult and impressive. I liked his machine gun flow and cadence here. It was aggressive, which matched the theme of his take on the topic. Didnt see the forced multis others spoke about it all worked for me

Frank - technical masterpiece. I don’t care if I read his verses a thousand times, to be able to string together that many multis will never get old. I actually found the story engaging , but it might be more me so intrigued on how he will keep the string of rhymes going into the next line and the next and the next.

This was pretty much a tie imo. They were both verses that reached a level that only a few in this league can reach. Both were verses of the week. I think I enjoyed Frank’s slightly more. And that may be because he posted first , as stupid as that sounds. By the end of the NYC verse I had just read over 120 lines so it was idk a bit tiring. Both these verses were too long tbh. Great battle. Thanks for the read

Vote Frank

[Master Rock]

Nyc got my vote, I'll break it down as soon as I get a chance. And it's just that Frank's verse took a little longer to actually catch a stride. But NYC came out the gate swinging death blows. Nycs's verse have more of a vibe and Frank had more of an assertion in writing.

[Frank]

@Master Rock

When are you going to have a chance to break it down? I would hate to lose a championship battle on an unexplained vote.

[Frank]

@sral

[Master Rock]

Originally Posted by Frank

@Master Rock

When are you going to have a chance to break it down? I would hate to lose a championship battle on an unexplained vote.

I'll have time tomorrow night after work since my hands are tied for today.

[Aero]

Seems like the vote was explained.

[NYCSPITZ]

Originally Posted by Aero

Seems like the vote was explained.

Fact

[Frank]

Cut the crap