Week 14: 11. patrown (2-2) vs. 12. Soulstice (1-4) \\ Soulstice wins 6-0

[Certain]

Season 3

The Basics | Read the full rules here.

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread.


Topic


“The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success.” — Ian Fleming


Good luck, @patrown and @Soulstice.

[patrown]

the past is a go between for victory and failure,
time presides over both and lives inside our earth,
pulling in all that's known to wandering souls,
collecting us like a rich monarch squandering gold,
what's beyond controls? thought.. for most of the populous,
free will separating us from animals with common sense,
it's relative, an instrument irrelevant to many, the hesitant,
their nails cracking, bitten, clutching keepsakes in remembrance,
living in a time where the world didn't seem.. gray..
leaves much behind like piles of autumn leafs,
left through the winters frost to decay with forgotten beliefs,
in a dank room he replayed plots to ascend,
through a world already rotten with sin......
one lived inside an alternating current, forgotten, malnourished,
ideas flourished in a mind coiled to strike,
plagued by voices of light boiling with strife,
dissecting our insides with unseen light,
the first you tube, found grooves to improve,
using vacuums and photos to further motives,
one mind turned explosive, harnessing power, gazing past tarnished souls,
empowered, the world surged, urged on from pondscum,
beyond being, people started seeing lighting strikes in the sky,
accomplishments forgotten with time,
progress's absorbed in Morgons ploy to ignore and destroy,
plots of egocentric nature deflate our personal worth,
while our own nature's left to swollow the earth.

[Soulstice]

Sin of the Century

These hallways are haunted by the angel of death
The One Reaper, creeping forth, craving your breath
Ravens, they wept, the scorpions huddled for cover
& skies quivered and silenced their rumbling thunder
Subtle, he muttered psalms of some mysterious Hell
So eerie by the backdrop of the fifth period bell

Other kids played video games - while he would sit, sickly and strange
Indifferent to play while his soul was drifting away
That infinite gaze - just a phase, how would he know otherwise
Other kid's act just as strange he'd heard so from the other guys
This troubled guise - just an act for attention? It had to be
"This is only my son," he thought "Not like he's some walking catastrophe.."

The first ones fell like bluebirds hit by arrowhead rocks
The next ones just watched, froze in harrowing shock
It's no gradual drop to carrion rot - even post-graduates got
Their futures written in the current - victims all the sudden
That feel of hot steel was like those foreign laughs
He had long ago, as he began storming the cafe

He tried to connect - to the thing inside of his chest
Tried to reach towards the secrets his son silently kept
What's a father to do? - there was no universal coffer of truth
Holding ancient ways to fatherhood he should probably use
Continue doing his best - the only option, fuck hospital wards
Fuck intemperate therapists, fuck my son being lost in the world

He made them pray - the Hail Mary riding the beat of a ***kle
Lined them up to the back wall, like a leader of cattle
And unleashed a disaster - watching them fall to the floor
Then he lead himself outside, to face all of the world

Purpose to void - his heart burning, destroyed, as destiny
Came from policemen store their weaponry
He was crying - illustrating the sins of the father, bezerk
Whispering "if only... i made it work"

[cyph her]

I don't know what my point was. But I was drunk..

Anyway...

Patrown -

"the past is a go between for victory and failure,
time presides over both and lives inside our earth"

Excellent way to open up and set the tone for the verse, which kind of just continued with the same standard throughout. It was clear, developed and clean. Dope verse.

Soulstice - I didn't fully understand the first few several lines.. But the story for me really started here:

So eerie by the backdrop of the fifth period bell

Other kids played video games - while he would sit, sickly and strange
Indifferent to play while his soul was drifting away
That infinite gaze - just a phase, how would he know otherwise
Other kid's act just as strange he'd heard so from the other guys
This troubled guise - just an act for attention? It had to be
"This is only my son," he thought "Not like he's some walking catastrophe.."

Excellent story telling and damn that flowed well.

Two very different directions were taken in this battle.. And what an enjoyable read from both! Voting pulled me in two different directions here.. but I just couldn't help but get lost in Soul's verse.

V - Soul

[zygote]

Patrown had nice multiple rhymes and poetic phrases, Soulstice had a more engrossing overall story. Good discussion of escapism, the child in the story uses the phantasy world to escape from the reality of the father's abuse. Its pretty straightfoward, but its effective and the fantasy language is interesting. Patrown was more abstract, kind of a train of thought narrative style. Liked the word 'pondscum' - never seen that one before. Voting for Soulstice.

[Certain]

patrown: Though every part of this verse was interesting on its own, it never came together. The ending was solid but didn't feel like the full realization of the entire work as much as another strong segment. There wasn't a whole lot of ambition here, rather a sorting through thoughts on the general concept presented.

Soulstice: While I don't think you developed the emotional protagonist of the father well enough, the stuff about the school shooting was written in a very compelling way. The bluebirds line was particularly strong. I liked the way this tied into the topic, too. This was another fine example of your storytelling prowess, but it might have worked better to have done more to characterize the father.

Vote: Soulstice

[Frank]

Pat

Solid verse. A lot of switches in scheme quality gave the piece a unpredictable aspect. You went from matching words perfectly to going off of sounds of last syllables. Thought that was interesting. Can't help but wonder why the rhyme scheme quality was so up and down when you clearly have the skill to write well crafted rhyme schemes. I think it comes across both as novice and authentic at the same time. Your transitions (beginning of lines) are where you excelled here ex: ideas flourished, empowered, the words surged Lines like these catapulted you forward. As for the content, it was vague, so that's why I am focusing on the quality of mechanics presented here. I couldn't pinpoint anything specific concept wise because it was all just kind of blahzi-blah for me. Nothing really registered aside from the few lines I quoted.

Soulstice

Good verse, although it comes across to me as you in your comfort zone. A lot of your verses blend seamlessly from one verse to the next without much distinction. You use the same couple words every verse and they just read to me as one voluminous body of work, instead of Individual pieces that stand out and stand alone. The rhyme schemes were well done. The idea was dark. The overall impression is the Standard. I dont think you write exceptionally well but you write what I would consider the 'Standard' of top tier writing.

Voting Soulstice

[e11even]

Patrown- i think your phrasing was pretty sick, save for a few misspellings. I think. The major problem with this piece is not the content, but the correlation between all the interesting thoughts. I think if this was more centrally focused, it could have definitely hit the nail on the head. Butt then again, I don't remember much of your past stuff really doing that anyway. All in all, interesting subject matter, ok rhyming and full of honest effort, even if it didn't feel completely satisfying. Good job and thanks for showing bro.

Soulstice- this took 1.5 reads and a topic reread to fully get what you did here. Pretty clever. Though, if looked at this from a diff angle, one could actually say that the topic could make this story a catch 22. My head is out there lol. Anyway, though a few details were ambiguous, the wording and imagery was well thought out and the shit he's in perspective were cool. I think a little more could be said to round out the characters, but the fact that you encompassed the topic so cleverly and still managed to flesh out a decently written plot is awesome. Your rhyming was it's great usual, even more so since this was a story format. I only had qualms with like two or three lines that came off a little unnatural to me: other kid's act... unleashed a disaster... etc. Great job. I'm happy you showed.

Great job guys. I liked both for high quality phrasing and imagery, but only one had that last I g impression that stuck with me. MVGT Soulstice.

[Adonis]

Two really dope verses I must say. Pat you had some true high moments in this piece. Shit that just rolled off the tongue and drooled imagery and emotion. I still am not positive what the verse was, but from what I gather, there is you talking about earth decaying and this super-hero like concept where man un-locked some key in the brain of past knowledge since forgotten, enabling the un-named savior the ability to do what he wants with the Populous or elements of earth. Also, time as Earth's inner core is a sick concept, I don't know if that's actually what you intended but that's what I took away from the beginning portion.

Soul you wrote some dope, easy flowing concept verse about God realizing his flaw of creating man, some very imperfect beings, and eradicating them. Your entire verse start to end was not only extremely captivating with rhyme and structure and concept, but it panned out in the end. I was fully satisfied with the read/ending on the first read. Crisp verse through and through.

Voting Soulstice

Pat wrote a rather dope verse, and he fleshed out the concept of forgotten knowledge in homo sapiens being remembered, giving them ability to control weather and such, would have made this a very, very close bout.