No-showed verse from AOWL

[Dominate]

topic was “One of the things you learn, after years of dealing with drug people, is that everything is serious”



We drank champagne from the beakers. The results had concluded significance.
After years of immovable diligence, we had the cure. Pharmaceutic deliverance.
The elation was fevered. Back slapping, we partied & lit
cigars from a Bunsen burner, talked of Nobel laureateship.
In a drunken fervor, I laughed. Looked to the stars, drank in the ether.
It wasn’t until later that I realized the taint in our research…
.
.
“Profit drives innovation”. That loophole was hardly a new phrase.
My colleagues strived to embrace it & soon drove Ferraris on Tuesdays.
The price was inflated. Our creation became a commodity
& our operation’s philosophy was taking all profits through patent monopolies
that gave rise to exorbitant fees. An extortionist scheme.
The reach of salvation had been shortened by corporate greed.
By day, I held life in my hand in the form of a little white pill.
By night, I watched the news reports & counted the little guys killed.
The medal I’d once worn proudly hadn’t had the same gleam in a while
I drank vodka from a chipped mug, & saw no reason to smile.

[AndyHiro]

This is simple in it's message but powerful in form. It is beautiful, elegant. I approve.

[Pinot Grij]

This is real crisp, dude. I want to criticize the length, but honestly you conveyed a complete and coherent story in a small space. The one line I would argue against is "Ferraris on Tuesdays" - what the hell are they driving the rest of the week? Or is the implication that they drive a different car every day of the week? Or is this some sort of figure of speech that I'm not familiar with? At its worst, it comes off as you just needing to rhyme something with "new phrase".

That's the only qualm. Outside of this line, this was a straightforward and powerful read. I love when people draw on topics that I would never consider writing about. You did the topic justice and painted a phenomonal picture. Kudos.

[NYCSPITZ]

ImPissedallthegoodnamesaretaken, this is a great verse my friend. I got a sort of "insouciant prep school" vibe from it due to the bunsen burner cigar and nobel laureate lines. Reminded me of that movie starring that kid from a clockwork orange (well, I guess he's dead or way older than us but...immortalized in those movies he's a kid imo). Cadence, multies, philosophical connotations (drinking in ether -woooo hot!) were all there in abundance.

Second verse is dope. an overly idealistic, somewhat spiritual take on saving humanity. The folly of impetuous youth. If it hasn't happened for thousands of years why would synthesized drugs fix anything? Stuck in the rat race of power, a noble ideal loses itself to apathy. Ending line was dope too.

Keep the pen moving young kangaroo

and yo.....

give this shit a real title my G

[El Muffin]

Wtf does insouciant mean

I nvr seen that wrd in my fkn life

<3

Learn sumthin new everyday

Phenomenonal verse dom. It was a very fluid read


And nyc you speak of Malcolm Mcdowell sp

Ur tlkin bout Alex right?

The one who was joustin wit that giant ceramic penis

[Seymour BUTTS]

Same man

Glad we speak the same language

...means he is unconcerned...like a g on some idgaf shit

[theMuzzl3]

I wished you had showed.

These were good lines.

Everything written had good structure and consisted of content which kept my eyes peeled to the text.

Good read.

Originally Posted by Attack of the Muff

Wtf does insouciant mean

in·sou·ci·ant/inˈso͞osēənt,ˌaNso͞oˈsyäNt/
adjective
1. showing a casual lack of concern; indifferent.




I learned something too :)

[Certain]

I really enjoyed this verse. I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to you on it. You showed tremendous patience in your writing, with a terrific choice of descriptors and a complete and total willingness to commit to the subtlety that made this work. Had you brought specifics about why the drug backfired, the entire thing would have been ruined. Actually, the worst line in the verse by far was "By night, I watched the news reports & counted the little guys killed." For one, I could almost feel you squeeming when you wrote that, unsure of whether you wanted to go that far with it. The language and tone didn't follow with your verse, either. But you wanted to provide stakes, that one slight dumb-down-for-my-audience-to-double-my-votes moment. The first stanza had a lot of great hints. I loved the return to the drinking glasses and alcohol choices. (Actually, I would have preferred had you ended with the chipped mug instead of the last clause, as it would have made the wrapping feel even more complete.)

Now, as you probably know, if you were facing an elite writer, you might have to deliver more than this. Some shitty voters won't even consider a great 16-line verse against a good 40-line verse, though others will. But you showed all the tools, with some creative rhymes and that knack for phrasing and deft touch, to go far in topical writing just as you have in battling. I kind of expected that out of you, since your wording is really good in the battles I've read. But this was even a pleasant surprise beyond that, as your take on the topic was rather creative. Thanks for the read, and I hope you stick with it.

[Dominate]

Thanks everyone for the feedback and especially to those who offered suggestions for improvement. I will definitely take them on board, and sign back into the AOWL after the next couple of weeks.

[Allen Knight]

that gave rise to exorbitant fees. An extortionist scheme.
The reach of salvation had been shortened by corporate greed.

sick


this whole thing was dope, nice shit bro

[zygote]

It's good, there was room for more expansion in writing about how the character's ethics became corrupted by their profit seeking. I also agree with the 'Tuesday' comment. Sometimes on this website individuals write about 'forcing rhymes' (meaning trying to rhyme words that don't really rhyme) but I think that is a lesser crime than trying to force a sentence with a 'perfect' multiple rhyme. Even a single rhyme with the same intention might have been superior to a kind of odd offhand comment about Tuesdays. That is the only area for criticism. The first four sentences were exceptional. Especially how they were so short and direct. It meshed well with the subject matter (the reporting of results).

[Split]

Was really good minus "little guys killed" and also the part about "the taint in our research". Sometimes the wording aaaalmost barely erred on the side of 'forced', but it wasn't a big complaint and wouldn't even factor into my vote unless it was a very close matchup. And I'm pretty critical about diction and phrasing, cause my standards for topicals are basically the same as for prose. This ain't poetry niggaz,

But yeah, really good. At some points it seemed so effortless (especially the compactness of everything and the thoroughness with which you illustrated the situation) that I forgot how much effort this took.

Dope.

[Mr. J]

This was an interesting piece, was this finished?
if not I wonder how that would come about..
it sucks being no showed I know the pain and it aches me
it feels like a dirty "win", anyway the verse is powerful
the topic is simple and easy to work with but the angles are there
and you approach this quite nice, hope your opponents show up in the future