Week 9 Contenders: Dr Dog vs. fraze (Dr Dog wins)

[Vulgar]

LGPA Season 1: Week 9

@Dr Dog @fraze


Check ins: Tuesday (Midnight Eastern time)
Poems Due: Friday (Midnight Eastern time)
Votes due: Sunday (Midnight Eastern time)


Topic:

"Right back at you..."


Good luck.

[Split Eight]

Roger dat

[fraze]

10. 4.

[fraze]

is an ext. possible. haven't had time to finish my verse but i can post by morning if that's ok

[Split Eight]

Originally Posted by fraze

is an ext. possible. haven't had time to finish my verse but i can post by morning if that's ok

EXT till tomorrow is ok by me

[Split Eight]

I will probably post tomorrow as well to work on AOWL things, so that actually works nicely

[Split Eight]

August held its last breath
until the trees by your apartment's lot
turned a violent red, and coughed with cold
that would shake you in your very bed.

each summer's new life
testament to the treasuring of time,
implicit: by every bedside
as we lie, sleeps intimacy to death
an IV needle's itch
relief at the click of the lights

shoes never turn white again.
maybe we don't look at them in the same light,
the best part of every next pair is they're "not all worn"--
that tight instep, you could twist for hours before night is dead,
the taking care to untie the knots, while the white reflects--

until the heels cave, colors washed,
stepping on toes and wrenching
until they come right off.

your Converse lasted a little longer than mine.
the night's earlier. the nights, earlier,
every time returning here.

"Today really wore you out?"
right back at you

I pretend I've already dozed off,
flatly wondering how many pairs I have left

[fraze]

turbulence from a wild toss.
sailing free on a course miles off.
wobbling wings v spread like geese in winter
as it comes back to me.... i remember

from a favorite of the places i have been to,
and i’ve been told à bientôt plus been sold a bento
i’ve heard big ben toll plus took strolls through shenzu
as i look back … this round trip flight has been due

twirling back to the first scene.
a wooden bird with rigid curves circling
dancing on the breeze, alight and at ease
when thrown… she dips low then comes right back to me

im.patiently waiting to catch with arms outstretched when
i hear a piercing shriek from the other direction
i glance instinctively...and from newton’s second law its obvious
my reaction was followed by a force equal and opposite

after collision red flashes splash my vision
from somewhere a laugh, derision.
i ain’t hearing that. pain and rage make my decision
im on my feet. its in my hand. i launch it with precision.

as my blank mind’s slate is traced
scarlet erased. i fill in the blanks with haste.
there’s blood on my hands. not just from wiping my face.
is fate or karma at play?
i dropped a boomerang now i’m catching case….

[Clutbuck]

I had Dr. Dog winning here, he was more creative in his approach and execution. Originality is often a deciding factor for me in these and he did exceptionally well here to use the topic as a point to base an entirely new, different piece around. The topic wasn't his centrepiece. He used it as a launchpad if you like and built a poem around it, which was very nicely done.

He's always tended to excel with his wording I've felt and this one was prime Dr. Dog actually with titbits like "August held its last breath" which was such a dope way to open this up IMO.

Great visual imagery off bat to draw the reader in!

The night earlier, the nights, earlier showed a deft touch to his own game too here that maybe goes under the radar a lot of the time but those flashes of brilliance again are what sets him apart, for me at least. The subtlety is why it works.

Fraze: This is the first I've read from you in the LGPA and left me with no doubt you can write, you clearly have a grasp of the more technical elements of writing and I see a lot of potential. I did, however, feel like this one was wrote relatively quickly and wasn't you at your peak.

There's a lot to like but unfortunately you came up against an in-form Dr. Dog here and his approach to the topic at hand coupled with his writers voice and creativity are essentially what decided this for me.



Vote - Dr. Dog

[Woke]

Dog - Intimately with death? intimacy to death? You wrote a true poem though, a homage to converse and the wearing over time. I believe it was the third stanza where you explained the unfasting and breaking down of heels and shit, I liked that section. Overall a dope verse in a sense. It's not common that someone can write about something so simple in length in way that doesn't grow stagnant or stale and keeps the interest from a readers stand point. You did so well. I did not like the attachment to the topic and felt like that was the after thought for you, but it was there none the less. Solid read in which I enjoyed.

Fraze - I enjoyed this verse but I don't think the bit about france and big ben really fit in. I could have done with out that. Given the topic, the concept wasn't magnificent, but at the same time is not something I would have thought of, and you executed it well up until the end. You through in the red lights and catching a case for effect, but I don't think that was needed. Simply saying what the boomerang was doing and returning home would have been more effective then adding in some "twist" for shock value and shit you know? Aside from that middle section and the ending, which wasn't bad per say, this was a very solid verse in which I thoroughly enjoyed including the take on the concept. If you used a different ending you had my vote easily


v/ Dog

dope battle, close one in actuality. Well I liked dog verse more as a whole, I thought fraze did more with the topic and executed that shit well up to a point.

[Vulgar]

Dr Dog - The coming and going of the seasons and the wear-and-tear life cycle of shoes seemed to be the corresponding metaphor of choice here. I thought the first stanza gave off some potency. What followed were sufficient stanzas, sprinkled with rhythm and a little wordplay. This really could have been a poem about racism in the countryside, but I have my doubts about that interpretation. At the summit of it, it gives off a feeling of when you take your shoes off after a long day and feel the cool air and lower temperature engulf your foot, while it stretches in the damp sock which covers it. Cool poem.

fraze - The second stanza's flow was flavorful, reminded me of Wrekonize when he spits. Overall, your style here is a fit for the topical league - I see no problem with calling it poetry as well. The crafts are interchangeable give or take a few things, stylizations, tones; obviously you put a firm focus on the rhyme scheme in this one. Ullr takes similar approaches to his poetry in this league. Beyond commenting on that aspect, I think this was well written but not to a point where it was thought provoking. It was a straightforward story vs. Dr Dog's sense of substance and open-endedness.

I've got to go with my preference here. Dr Dog's poem came together more, while fraze's was good, just not as broad of an offering.

Vote - Dr Dog