11-21-2015, 02:09 PM | #1 |
Tsk Tsk
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Beer Goggles
Posts: 4,834
Battle Record: 36-34
Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association
- NFL Pick'em 2016-17
Rep Power: 9946446 |
Round Dos: GodComplex vs. MMLP - OPEN FOR VOTES
AOWL Season V, Round DOS
SUMMARY OF RULES: Verses are due WEDNESDAY at 9 P.M. Pacific/West Coast or WEDNESDAY 11:59 PM Eastern / 6:00 AM THURSDAY Central European/London There are NO extensions. Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words). Votes are due Friday at 4:00 p.m. Western / or Friday 7:00 PM Eastern / 1:00 AM Saturday Central European/London Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week. All competitors must vote on THREE battles Read the full rules here! Topic: G/Luck @MMLP @
__________________
I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR Last edited by Adonis; 11-28-2015 at 05:35 AM. |
11-22-2015, 05:25 AM | #2 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 600
Battle Record: 15-16
Champed - Write Week 9
Rep Power: 9768088 |
Petr Cech
|
11-22-2015, 05:46 AM | #3 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
Battle Record: 23-10
Champed - Art of Writing League
- AOWL Season 5
Rep Power: 23856376 |
Knock knock
|
11-22-2015, 07:59 AM | #4 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 600
Battle Record: 15-16
Champed - Write Week 9
Rep Power: 9768088 |
Drink up!
Had food and drink with the guys now I’m pacing alone.
Spirits are high but I’m taking it slow. I’ll break for a moment as I'm very subdued but mainly to focus on what’s left to consume. This territories new and I want to be patient but my petulance grew the longer I waited. Minds wandered to places, just seeking a purpose to ponder what’s sacred to me as a person and what begins to surface is a quest for knowledge To a secret excursion to test the logic, To what death has promised if I’m shrouded in sin. I reflect with tonics just pounding my fists, the doubts from within engross my mind asking how I exist as opposed to why. Am I supposed to die and relish in death or have an open mind and cherish this breath. It’s getting perplexing to think beyond, I'm sweaty and pensive so in response I’d hit the bottle for that adrenaline rush from my silly squabbles but it never did much. Left expressing distrust to what our studies have shown, with a skeptical tongue I’m begrudging alone. Still mulling it over and beating my brain, my muddled composure had needed a break. Seeking a change from this state of mind I’d ease off the pace to embrace the skies and take delight in what I’d chosen to do. In this frame of mind I’d soak up the view, with most looking to the heavens to speak I saw an explosion of blue merely reflecting the sea, is that a reflection on me? Well it’s edged on my face, the essence of peaks brought displeasure and strain. By now, mentally I’m jaded as we round up the bunch “Everyone we’ve made it” she announces to us. The outing was done and the hiking would cease. Crouching in front of me, she smiles with glee “It’s Christ the Redeemer!” came a passionate cry derived from our teacher as I batted my eyes. And the statue provided a glimmer of hope I stood asking for guidance but my grimace arose. Left standing in silence…… I’ll just give up and go. Last edited by MMLP; 11-27-2015 at 02:36 PM. Reason: verse |
11-26-2015, 03:15 PM | #5 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 1,008
Battle Record: 23-10
Champed - Art of Writing League
- AOWL Season 5
Rep Power: 23856376 |
Gaia spawned from another planet’s fossil;
As told in the Puranas, an ancient galactic novel, That belongs to a pedagogical classic genre. The inherent symbolic nature of Sanskrit grammar Is purposeful; intrinsic in its difficult language patterns Lies a mathematical mapping, grammatical abstractions Quantifying every quantum layer of the cosmic breath. I, Vyasa, have become pure being, vaporizing consciousness. This is not a matter of Jain vs. Hindu belief, If you’re diseased then simply follow what gives you relief. I’m well-aware of the argument vs. polytheistic paganism; Often in these disputes the stance creationists take is twisted, Turning paradise into the spirit’s caste system. We humans are susceptible to the Idealistic chaos within. Sectarian wars are funded by Neolithic agrarian farms, If the agriculturist wanted, the quarrelsome barbarians starve. I was once fooled to think of physical pain as wisdom; An impure Brahman sold me on the principle of religion, Convincing me to pledge my heart and soul to his creed. Soon after, the winds of darkness rode pass my feet. I awoke to defeat; my wife became his pawn of sacrifice. When I pleaded why? He responded: “Immortalized she’ll soon be one with paradise” That’s when I forsook all practices spawned from paradigms. I became Vyasa, the decreer of everything but the truth. I studied until my conjunctiva bled, shrunk, and oozed. Until, I became blind and I could see something bloom. My love for books was a mirage, My previous master sends his regards. I unknowingly sacrificed the light in my eyes to gain insight, Of what exactly? Nothing that wasn’t already in this brain of mine, The Vedas were designed to play with your mind By hypnotizing you to chase the divine. Only to realize decades later in time, All along you were chasing your own shadow. Creating a battle against the agents of vassals Who serve you…. Killing yourself is the basis of cancer, We mammals are all fated to travel- Back into our maternal matrix and afterward sleep peacefully. In other words, cut the umbilical cord to our being’s misery, A ceaseless stream of ideas we dream frequently. Thinking back now, I Vyasa, have lived leisurely. Let me be, for even in death I shall exist secretly. |
11-30-2015, 07:12 PM | #6 |
rockkFresh
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: Chicago.
Posts: 1,088
Battle Record: 8-10
Champed - Art of Writing League
Rep Power: 11328542 |
That's a pretty sick line.
Anyways, this was a pretty simple vote for me. Buddha is hit or miss with me. Sometimes I get the feeling that he tries to be 'complex' with the way he writes just for the sake of it. This time around, it actually made a lot of sense, the idea he ran with fit the picture very well. Although, it could've been perfect, I wasn't a fan of it. The easy way for me to put this is like, he's kind of like the text version of Canibus & his sci-fi raps, nahmean? Also, I feel like I'm back in school reading his verses, which made me chuckle at this line.. "That belongs to a pedagogical classic genre." Sorry man, I just can't get into that shit. *shrugs. MMLP, very solid verse. I see what you're doing with your rhyme scheme, and how you keep it real vague just to throw in the "story" of it towards the end.. It's pretty dope, I actually enjoy that. I might be the only guy that feels this way, but whatever. I liked MMLP's verse, and I didn't like Buddha's. Buddha's actually a really, really dope writer, but, I just wasn't feeling it this time. vMMLP |
11-30-2015, 11:42 PM | #7 |
V.V
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: .
Posts: 2,076
Battle Record: 31-20
Rep Power: 6247256 |
Mmlp- you copypat and lars and witty seem to harness the most consistent flows in this league this season, which is both remarkable and remarkably predictable. I'm pretty sure I'm an attention deficit case, and as a result, fluidity need also be met with versatility for my taste. The flow just dragged this very descriptive verse to a finish rather than livening in it up. That aside, I liked what you had to offer here. This was a thorough approach to first person with imagination meeting the topic with very safe interpretation. I think going a little further outside the box would have helped a lot, even though I'm sure I'm missing out on a large detail inferred in your verse.
Edit: After second read... holy moley. Going to heaven? Christ or Christian God? Either way I think you should be interviewed on the next mag for your view on what you were going for here because it came off pretty dope second read. Good job bro. Godcomplex- Damn. I guess you study of sanskrit paid off lol. Wow. This was powerfully written. If it wasn't for me studying up for a battle against Vulgar (that I lost) way back, this entire thing would have just gone over my head. Your language was so intellectual it was almost unnatural, which could hurt your votes, but I was enthralled and driven to keep reading and understanding you 'passage' if you will. These types of stories are always better told in first person as they lend a new perspective and drama to the depth of the work. I enjoyed this very much. Good job. This battle was all deity and dreams, but I liked how fresh it felt. Both pieces were enjoyable, but one writer captured something in their verse that made it more memorable at the end. MVGT Godcomplex for the more complete and enjoyable read. Great job to both you guys. You both brought it.
__________________
Ahem. Last edited by e11even; 11-30-2015 at 11:44 PM. |
11-30-2015, 11:51 PM | #8 |
Tsk Tsk
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Beer Goggles
Posts: 4,834
Battle Record: 36-34
Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association
- NFL Pick'em 2016-17
Rep Power: 9946446 |
Editing vote now
1-1 Toughest vote I will ever have to cast in my life. I loved each verse for numerous reason that I won't get into because I prefer to save it for the mag. For me, both of these verses are straight forward, nothing tricky about them, just crafted in a way that makes you think a bit. Buddha is a beast that left me wanting more, yet gave me a complete view, finalized, a look into a soul. MMLP wrote something more straight forward, far better rhyme, not as in depth a story, but that ending was just dope. I don't think he went to heaven as he rolled his eyes and walked. Thumbs up man, both of you. I am actually not going to vote here, I'm going to hold off until tomorrow, let these each marinate in the mind then come back and re-read two-three times more before dropping which verse I preferred more, because I think they each are among the best of the season, no joke. v/ GC
__________________
I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR Last edited by Adonis; 12-01-2015 at 07:53 PM. |
12-01-2015, 12:55 AM | #9 |
The COAT...
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: BC, Canada
Posts: 1,724
Battle Record: 28-20
Champed - Art of Writing League (x3)
Rep Power: 4595810 |
my vote just got deleted so i have a foamy mustache and am going to point form what i had written out
MMLP - really cool concept, mechanics were on point, something sappy about how its been cool watching you evolve on your technicality throughout the season, something about wanted to see you carry on rhyme schemes for longer from time to time, um felt like you could have added more.. something during the plot progression to keep the reader more engaged before you fully opened the door to your concept near the end, and then something about how i thought of you and your style while writing my verse this week godcomp, something about wtf your crazy, vaporizing consciousness? trippy verse, mechancs not as high thread count as mmlps (adlib'd thread count btw) but the content was more tangible, the Vyasa character was really interesting, had a powerful feel. opening line was fantastic, lots of well thought one-liners throughout, mystical, almost gnostic feeling references throughout. cool verse this battle was much closer than mine i feel, it honestly could go either way. reader preference here and although it pains me to vote against either one, i felt if both verses were meals, i felt a little more full after reading the recipient of my votes +1 godcomplex
__________________
|
12-01-2015, 12:56 AM | #10 |
Senior Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 993
Battle Record: 7-5
Rep Power: 8214208 |
MMLP –Your rhymes were dope, flow was super sick too. I think your approach on the topic was pretty good, you worked your image into the verse well. I really enjoyed these lines..
This territories new and I want to be patient but my petulance grew the longer I waited. Minds wandered to places, just seeking a purpose to ponder what’s sacred to me as a person and what begins to surface is a quest for knowledge I think this particular segment captures the essence of your image, as you’re explaining it. .. enjoying my second read through a bit more, tbh. Liked this bar a lot too, reflecting on your approach.. Am I supposed to die and relish in death or have an open mind and cherish this breath. Ok, keep writing drunk guy verses. I’m actually digging this shit right now lol. You carried your rhymes really well and said a lot with some short syllable counts. I’d like to see some longer lines from you, perhaps allowing for some more scheme complexity. But as far as this piece is concerned, you did a great job and I thoroughly enjoyed the read. to be honest in the end I’m leaning more towards your character being one of the audience of the teacher in the image rather than the teacher himself, which I thought at first. Godcomplex – I like your approach. Quite the philosophical statement. I liked the bit about paradise being a spirit caste system, funny observation. When I read these lines Im reminded of things like military law and corporate government. Sectarian wars are funded by Neolithic agrarian farms, If the agriculturist wanted, the quarrelsome barbarians starve. ..how they control our food and shit.. anyway, this piece is making me think as I’m reading it, and I respect that. So the story goes a hindu man deeply concerned with his religion’s wife was sacrificed. So, he renounced his religion.. then is left pondering existence. This line bothered me.. We mammals are all fated to travel- Im not really sure if that was a typo or not but it didn’t make sense to me. The pondering tone of this piece is pretty cool, and you poke around some important stuff.. I was waiting for some kind of conclusion or something dramatic, but I think the exit was pretty dope. You stuck with a basic theme throughout, with the closing mind being a reflection on our energy living as a belief of what’s going on.. anyway this piece made me want to read up on Hinduism so that’s cool. Nice verse. /v mvgt god complex for the more finely polished piece. If god complex didn’t make me think as much I would have easily voted for mmlp because it was a dope little story but he needed some depth to take out GC this match. Good battle folks. |
|
|