Championship: VividlyVague vs. GodComplex [GOD COMPLEX WINS CHAMPIONSHIP 5-0!)

[Adonis]

Topic




Due Date: Tuesday Dec. 22nd if that works for you two



@Vividlyvague @Godcomplex

topic up

[e11even]

OK.

[UnbornBuddha]

Yes. Good luck VV

[e11even]

Lana and Jacob were like a fairytale someone made up.
It was so annoying seeing them "in love" like they were a Disney - made stunt.
I would tease them with Frozen quips and Little Mermaid in puns.
They ate it up. Afterall, who wasn't jealous of them making love?
We had a Santa bash at the bar and grill, and all were in attendance.
Red and green misfits were hitting the dance floor for Christmas.
We took a few shots, traded laughs and had our bitch fits,
Then went our separate ways, snow trailed with our inhibitions.
At 3am my phone rang, excusing my night cap to answer.
There had been a crash off the parkway, a woman and a man hurt.
I rushed as soon as I could, the worry spreading like a cancer,
Hoping my best friends would survive this winter night in New Hampshire.
The doctor delivered the news, a slim sliver the view,
"She can only survive if donors can give an organ to use..."
Jacob was banged up, his left orbital broken and bruised,
Cuts, abrasions, broken ribs, and punctured a lung with one too.
I waited for things to get better but Lana faded by the moment,
I can't escape being this hopeless! Crying only made it worsen.
I spoke to Jake and he was distraught, as grief was brought by Trojan horses.
No one saw this coming, they hit a tree and she went soaring.
He hit the steering wheel and it hit back, but he was fine,
He was just depressed knowing she didn't have enough time.
I saw him meet with a lawyer for an hour, wrote a few lines,
Signed, then the lawyer left. That visual stuck in my mind.
Day three in the waiting room, I heard a code blue for his room.
I jumped up, jolted, hoping that I could see him get through.
I raced to the window as the blinds closed and they used
Tubes and defibrillators to bring him back, but, why you?!
I heard the flat line and the resting doctors, then a tear dropped.
The door opened and the doctor said Jacob chose the donor op.
He committed suicide to bring her back, who has the love this couple's got?
I doubted any as I watched Lana get prepped for Jacob's organ drop.
The seconds like hours, minutes more like an eternity,
5 hrs and she was moved to the post-op infirmary.
That next morning I went to her bedside, "Hey, Lanie, it's Beverly!"
"Hey... girl. How... is Jacob?" I thought of my next words expertly.
"He gave his life for you, Lanie. His heart is in you..."
The horror on her face was intense, "What?! It isn't true!"
The pain crippled her simplest moves, "Please listen, boo..."
I lovingly inched closer fluffing her pillows, "...You'll die in this little room."
As she attempted to fire back, I snuffed out the flame.
The pillow cancelled the noise, but not the sounds clouding my brain.
Our car crash, Brian dying... the hospice days that nobody came...
The rage making me push harder on this poor bitch's face.
The world took him from me. We were perfect together!
I placed Jake's embolism syringe in my Dooney bag with his letter.
Confessing love in death? I should've cut the brake lines better!
Just then, in that thought I found the next loving couple talking up their forevers...

[UnbornBuddha]

Sometimes, I feel like a Homunculus awaiting its soul;
Every neuron perishing as the disease’s stages unfold.
The daunting diagnosis desiccated my goals,
Homeostasis disrupted, as yin and yang separated from whole.
In this progressive atrophy I was fated to know, greatness arose
Greater than any black hole changing space of its course.
I’m a majestic brain in a corpse bestowed a plague at its core;
Hiding in latent form, unraveling at an age I know more.
Genetic warp that forever changed the way I walked.
We’ve evolved, no question, though our daily thoughts
Reveal the apes in our hearts. What we masquerade as is false.
I watch helplessly as my condition takes me apart,
Who said pain doesn’t scar? On the contrary, every ache leaves a mark.
Its how the universe created all its stars that I’m fond of gazing from afar.
Ah! Forget everything, as the hydrogen flames light up the dark nebula,
Compared to it ALS seems like the tiniest cataracts in God’s retinas.
The destruction of my muscular structure furthered my evolution.
But, I don’t suffer the illusion that bodily comfort isn’t in movement.

Weakened, I communicated with basic words
And I was subtly understood like an angel’s verse.
But, then I couldn’t breathe, suddenly inhaling hurt
A surgical incision was then cut deeply into my throat.
I lived,
But couldn’t speak anymore; I was living without a soul.
Nobody could listen to the profundity of my thoughts;
Thinking became a redundancy I once loved.

Man has traveled incomprehensible distances,
Infinitesimal primitives transcending our instruments;
This simian form paved entire empires with incredible impetus.
So, it’s nonsensical insolence to watch our medical ignorance.
The tainted consciousness of a helpless theoretical physicist
For not one treatment exists for my congenital carcinogen.
Musculoskeletal malignancy,
Has me contemplating my body—questioning its validity.
But, then a friend reached out & gave me an exotic voice
What most would deem robotic noise became my compass.
Once again I could look at the cosmic void in neurotic joy
And state my assumptions from a place of context.
Though, wheelchair bound, I enslaved a goddess
And made loneliness for cripples an outdated concept.
Our brains never sleep and process data constantly;
Energy our heart would rather waste on sovereignty,
Autonomy from bodily anomalies, anatomical atrocity.
The omnipresence of a universal cosmological agony
Means it’s a natural to exhibit rare neurological pathology.
To reckon with this dichotomous galaxy,
I’ve had to transmute my soul’s hypothesis via alchemy
Reconfiguring my sanity by tweaking my cognizant reality,
The socially agreed upon subconscious fantasy.
Where we come from is an ontological fallacy
Where we’re going is more important tangibly.
Look at me, I should be dead, I’m a biological analogy
Symbolizing a sick man’s winning strategy against an impossible malady.

“Mr. Hawking, you truly are a miraculous story”
Au contraire, it only seems that way
—When shrouded in pusillanimous worry.
Recalcitrance is but a shade of an entire mental realm.
An overwhelming oblivion, if you yourself are compelled
To never escape your former semblance of self, a mere sensual shell.
Yet, how could you never having went through a sense of hell?
I shall expunge all doubt now. (Everyone in the audience gasps)
As professor Hawking gets up from his wheelchair, making a stance.
Though miraculous, his withered form makes his act of radiance look sad.
Suddenly, no one pities the non-cripple, and begin to parade him and laugh.
The gap that existed between mind and soul starts separating at last.

[Adonis]

@asylum @Razah @MMLP @sraL @Innovator @Vulgar @Certain @Frank @timeless @NYCSPITZ @YDK @Argh

Finals open for voting

[Soulstice]

VV - Interesting. In the beginning, I thought that I would know what would happen and was ready to be unimpressed. However, when Jacob donates his heart and the narrator reveals her malicious intentions, I found myself in a place I did not expect. That was pretty good story and structure. Your flair in your writing did not really present itself in this piece - the imagery was not super fleshed out - some of the medical stuff was painted well, and the exposition of the characters existed, at least - but there wasn't anything on a line-by-line basis that made me say damn, nice flow, or damn, nice picture, or damn nice metaphor. Though at the end, I said damn, nice story. Well developed.

GC - This was technically impressive. It fell off in a few places but less than I expected, mostly when you apply an adverb after an adjective (important tangibly, etc.) - which just reads dumbly especially with such a verse with tight vocabulary that lends to and not hinders the flow. The story itself was cool - you built an atmosphere of being trapped but ultimately finding resolution. Although the end I really did not get. The trip there, considering the conscienceness and the mind separated from body deal was worth while though.

V - GC.

Better concept although the third act was not as compelling as VV's. He brought me on a thoughtful trip there and was more technically precise and stylistically interesting.

[Adonis]

GC - This was a sad and somber read. The emotion you portrayed and the connection you developed were both of the highest level. I loved the way you executed this too, dancing between a story and life. You jumped around tackling many concepts here and that helped to not only develop but also strayed away from becoming stagnant at each such occurrence.
Man has traveled incomprehensible distances,
Infinitesimal primitives transcending our instruments;
This simian form paved entire empires with incredible impetus.
So, it’s nonsensical insolence to watch our medical ignorance.
Dope. I quoted this to give a single example of multie to the max, or at least as close as can be asked of while still holding true to concept and meaning. IDK what else to say really. I mean, I can't stress enough how impressive the emotion were able to convey was, the first two bars created a man with feelings, before his identity was revealed. This verse, solely off of written penmanship was amazing, not a concept I would usually like, but the execution was so good that you could have wrote about poppy seeds and it would have intrigued me. The care in individual line, nay, word, was tje catalyst to creating a top notch work. Good shit bruhv

VV - This story is awkward, and the sad part is I can say with certainty, someone this bat shit crazy has lived before or now. Though I didn't see the girl being the killer in the end, I did telegraph the donation of organs way too early. Some of the rhymes seemed too easy as well, "OK boo"?? This was a decent verse, but I have seen you perform at a far higher plane in the past. That's not to say that this verse is bad, because it is not. The problem I have with it is simple. Matching this against something that contained soooo much depth, so much conceptual nuggets of thought that also contained that emotional factor, well, you were simply out matched here.


V/BornBuddha

higher degree of difficulty while executing better as well

[Frank]

Merry Christmas

Honor and a privilege to push the envelope with you two fellahs this season. You two characters truly transcend the screen. Distinct style and unmistakable writers voices. Both writers excelled in their respective lanes here. Vividlyvague put the verse in a very simple context perhaps to play it safe to counter attack any mind boggleness from Complex. Complex came with a very profound effort and wrote to the magnitude that should be expected of a championship match up. Was not impressed with the flow nor content of Vividlyvagues piece, felt like stopping the read on more than a few occasions tbh. Not opportune time to drop a keystyle. GC pretty much obliterated VV in every category except maybe progression. Outcome will be an Avalanche land slide W.

"But, then a friend reached out & gave me an exotic voice
What most would deem robotic noise became my compass.
Once again I could look at the cosmic void in neurotic joy"

Congratulations to God Complex. Job well done. Joins the Elite. As for VV, keep doing you as your idol Vulgar would say.

UNTIL NEXT SEASON; TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT

[Certain]

Vividlyvague: You had a good concept and approach to the topic. The story had potential, but it needed to be developed much more. For one, you needed to foreshadow better. Discussing how Lana and Jacob had been there for the narrator through a tough time, while being vague about that tough time, would have helped make the twist more understandable. Furthermore, the way that you put all the exposition of the motive in such a small space cut the emotional impact.

The bigger problem was the writing. Your rhymes were stilted, often not accounting for stressed and unstressed syllables. Much of this verse did not flow right off the tongue as a result, which could have been helped with more internal rhyming. A good example of the poor rhymes was “cap to answer/and a man hurt.” The assonance is there, but it’s jarring.

Beyond the rhyming, though, the diction was a mix of simple, cliché and clumsy. Your opening line should grab the reader; instead, you had a boring verb (“were”) and a redundancy (“a fairytale someone made up”). But worse was the string of awkwardly worded thoughts that emphasized forced rhyming and a bad grasp of grammar: “as grief was brought by Trojan horse” (how is this a Trojan horse situation?) or “broken ribs, and punctured a lung with one, too” (should be “he broke his ribs and punctured a lung with one, too”) or “who has the love this couple's got?”

You told a story fluidly and clearly. But you told it in a way that was not appealing from a writerly perspective or an emotional bent, and you showed below-par rhyme mechanics in the process.

Godcomplex: You clearly have made major improvements to your rhyme mechanics since you first came here, all while staying true to your writer’s voice. That is commendable, and this verse was a good showcase of your talent. I still have qualms about your overuse of large vocabulary words.

In the context of Stephen Hawking being the narrator, the vocabulary might be viewed as justifiable. That is not the case; Hawking is a published author many times over who does not attempt to bear down on his readers with his immense vocabulary. Like any published author, Hawking considers both his audience and the standards of literature and literacy. There was no moment in your verse where I struggled to understand your point, but the abuse of adjectives and adverbs led to a languorous read.

The use of space imagery would have been more effective had the imagery conjured images. Instead, you used vocabulary that was recognizable but not tangible. This type of writing fails to appeal to emotion and connect with the reader. Even the better turns of phrase do not jump out as memorable because they would require a degree of memorization.

There also was the crutch of the easy rhyming that you exploited in the second half of the third stanza. Those types of rhymes facilitate large vocabularies but jump out to an experienced reader of this form as an attempt to get away with stretching rhymes. That was the worst and densest part of the verse.

With all that said, your championship here was clear. This verse was very good and four or five notches higher in both execution and complexity compared to your opponent’s. The concept was sharp, and the relation to the topic was strong. This was a good effort.

Vote: Godcomplex

[NYCSPITZ]

VV had a cool story but I feel GC brought more depth here. Both have some problems with grammar but to be honest executed maybe 10-15% above their top end 100% capacity here. It's good to see an all out effort from both competitors

VV best verse I seen from u just some things seemed forced to fit the rhyme like:

That next morning I went to her bedside, "Hey, Lanie, it's Beverly!"
"Hey... girl. How... is Jacob?" I thought of my next words expertly.

^^ a few levels below what u should be capable of esp. at this stage late in the game

GC the beginning was dope, first 5-10 lines ill. I just feel like I've stated before that your intellectual discourse becomes too overbearing; it's almost as if the entire verse is screaming "please pretty please think that I'm smart!" No offense but there are a lot of people here smarter than you, especially better writers like soulstice black pent up oats vulgar myself certain etc, prob 15ish cats above you right now. But in this verse you did execute better than your opponent

V/ Godcomplex

[Certain]

Godcomplex leads 5-0.