WEEK ONE: DANK (0-0) vs MASTER ROCK (0-0) DANK WINS 5-0

[Adverse]

AOWL Season X WEEK ONE

@Master Rock @Dank

Verse Due: TUESDAY MARCH 22ND @ 11:59PM EST


Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

Topic:


GOOD LUCK

[Master Rock]

Check

[Dank]

A Fly On The Wall

On more than one occasion, while stretching my legs,
I saw them contemplating how this would eventually end.
It made sense to protect my identity using shadows for leverage
as head of intelligence in charge of gathering evidence.
I man the investigation alone, so my efforts are not seen
keeping tabs on their every move til I assemble a SWAT team.
I know I’m dead if they spot me so I remain in secret for now
breathing ever so softly, while keeping an ear to the ground.
I need a look out! My greying beady eyes have the subject in check
from leaving his house to every school note he passes under his desk.
I know every one of his friends. All one of them. “Dylan.”
The two are constantly messaging about the more popular children…
…and wanting to kill them! I witness every graphic depiction
noting each possible victims name as I stand by and listen.
I work fast to commit them to memory while standing my ground
my natural instinct tells me this is no time for hanging around.
I have to act now! I feel a change in the tumultuous air
just as it is how a spiders busiest in the build up to its snare.
I’ve studied their whereabouts, seen every classmate painted in blood
so much that my hair stood on end, though i admit it gave me a buzz.
The day must be coming close. Their blueprints complete.
I’d say they’re both utter trash, even though it seems foolish of me.
The school shooting they’ve dreamed about was taking its shape
yet when I flew by the police station, they merely waved me away.
I’d been chasing my tail around all by my tiny ass self
as day after day I hung around them like a bad smell.
The High School class bell rang out, so clear and yet hollow,
- The final blast bellowed… knowing many wouldn’t hear it tomorrow.
I needed to follow through rather than just waiting here in the wings
a nearly impossible task when you’re the sole eyes and ears of a sting.
I hear the chk-chk of a loaded gun as they prime it to explode
before it disappearing within the inside of their trenchcoats.
I stay quiet to get closer to Player 1 and Player 2
both their minds on the death toll like it’s a sickening game of Doom.
I decide to make my move, though my legs were still wobbly,
taking aim as I threw caution to the wind with the rest of my body.
I sped at their horrid faces giving them no time to escape,
hoping by upending the novice killers maybe a life would be saved.
I tried to detain them as best I could before what happened that day
but their minds had been made up, nothing would stand in their way.
Eric Harris remained as cold and as poised as the finger
clasped at his waist while it mercilessly toyed with the trigger.
The noise of a single gunshot ran through the corridor —
like it’s boys and its little girls had in them once before.
I sprang from the spot I sought out as the wall dripped with blood
embarrassed by what I saw, I started swinging with all that I could.
It causes a couple second delay while they wave their arms to sedate me
but meant more could then run with a head start toward safety.
As I dart by their faces, there’s a moment I’m struck
a wing comes apart from my main body like Icarus flying too close to the sun.
I lie motionless looking up at the towering giants hostile in pursuit
my hopes could be crushed like they treat people, under the bottom of their shoe.
I hear a volley as they shoot to kill the innocents in trouble ahead
semi-consciously I move to crawl on my side while struggling for breath.
I summon the strength to mount a final assault while breathing a sigh
why look to surrender when I’ve a heart bigger than any species my size.
I needed to try and help the victims any way in which I could
so I then creep up inside the cold, steeled chamber of the gun.
Pushing firmly against the casing on the bullet while holding on tight
If I don’t make it and I come to die, at least it will be knowing I tried…

BANG!

[Master Rock]

I can recall the first time I seen her sparkle from across the street
like lightening. I was struck, mesmerized by her sweep
I would paint pictures of you, your silhouette glistening by the moon, and I don't know why I saw it ooze maroon
You were the apple of my eye, you were the truth inside my lie
the reason for the rawness under my eye
lids
I don't understand why you just couldn't forgive
no matter how many cuts it will never amount to enough to crush the pain in my heart I clutch I cherish the moment we touched
the rush subsides...however, I'm stuck in my mind
flashing back while the divide is my muck
the photos
capture you as my dreams, I bleed into these
sheets...the paint cuts...into my soul deep
till I'm left with nothing more..... deplete
I seep into the cloud of my own sorrow
what's tomorrow?
If cried so much shell of myself.... hollow
I gave you every piece of me...down to the very last drip
They say it's better to have sipped and have love spilled than to never have had your cup filled I don't believe that for one second at all you were entirety and without I feel like I'm nothing at all
I'm still trying to make sense of things
it's like the more flowers I get the more thorns it brings
it relieves the pressure when I cut
I saw my blood drip with my eyes wide shut
I buried her and couldn't tell if it was a dream
is she alive or dead, gone? what do you mean?
I see you but I don't, I can't find you... I'm broken..I think I won't...

[Dominate]

Lars (well, I assume you're Lars), - fantastic take on the topic. Creative as hell. All the intended/obvious sentiments behind these pictures are a little morose, so I loved that you found a lighter angle here that still fit with the picture. Well... a school shooting is pretty dark, but telling it through the eyes of a fly trying to stop it happening made it pretty humorous. Cadence/rhythm/flow/whatever you want to call it was great all throughout, with some excellent rhyme schemes that never made the wording feel unnatural. Great use of wordplay - gave me a buzz, cops waved me away, hung around like a bad smell, etc. I loved "I know every one of his friends. All one of them. “Dylan.” " and "why look to surrender when I’ve a heart bigger than any species my size." I can't really find much to critique here... maybe you could have held a rhyme scheme or two for a little longer? Not that it was too basic, - the piece was dense with inner/outer multis all throughout even if you did move on to new ones relatively quickly... holding them longer would've just been something extra to flex if you had. I'm curious about the little guy's motivations for taking on this job, - is he part of some insect overlord security branch fulfilling his duty? Does his enormous altruism just extend to other species? Not saying I think the verse needed to explore this idea. In fact I think it would've been a mistake include it. It's fun for the reader to muse on. This was verse of the week for me, a thoroughly enjoyable read start to finish (which is especially impressive given the length). Honestly, this was a fucking masterclass. I came away with ideas to improve my own writing. What a great start to the season.



Master Rock - a more straightforward take on the topic but that's fine. TBH when I saw these pics I was bracing myself to have to read a bunch of uninspired, cliched sob stories this week but I've been pleasantly surprised at how well written a lot of these verses are even when they did go for the more obvious, sad angles. Your verse is a great example of such.

I gave you every piece of me...down to the very last drip
They say it's better to have sipped and have love spilled than to never have had your cup filled I don't believe that for one second at all you were entirety and without I feel like I'm nothing at all

^I loved this whole section but the bolded part in particular was superb.

I liked that you kept the details of the relationship vague whilst still giving enough hints that the reader could get the idea (e.g. "I don't understand why you couldn't just forgive" but refraining from describing what the character's mistake was). At first I thought your switches from third to second person (describing "her" then talking to "you") were mistakes, but after reading through I feel it might've been intentional and it fit with the character's descent into confusion. Your rhymes were simpler than Lars's but not bad, and if it's a choice between wording and rhyming then choosing wording is correct, IMO. Other aspiring topicalists make that mistake too often.

I'm voting for Dank/Lars. Preferred his creative take on the topic and his execution was hard to fault. Enjoyed MR's piece too but it wasn't on the same level.

[Objective]

Dank: No idea who you are but would guess the higher echelon of writers on here (Lars?). This shit is fire to me. Going to critique you and question at the level I think you're at tho, and I bet you can pick apart what makes sense to you and what doesn't. Enjoyed this piece in full, just want to make that clear.

First off I want to say I thoroughly enjoy the start of this, the intro is dope af. As it goes on I stumble a lil tho.

Feel like "more" could be removed in this couplet to help the flow to perfection, so instead of this:
I know every one of his friends. All one of them. “Dylan.”
The two are constantly messaging about the more popular children…
It'll be this:
I know every one of his friends. All one of them. “Dylan.”
The two are constantly messaging about popular children…
…and wanting to kill them! I witness every graphic depiction

The wording in this sentence is a bit clunky to me:
just as it is how a spiders busiest in the build up to its snare.
How about:
Just how it is when a spider build up to its snare.

Repetition of the word "around" in this couplet and would probably try to simplify sentences here and there to get the message across clearer, a suggestion would be to remove the word in the first sentence and an example of simplifying in the second sentence (obviously not smooth, just trying to give an example. Whether the feed makes sense or not is up for you to digest):

I’d been chasing my tail all by my tiny ass self
Every day I hung around them, like a bad smell.

In terms of the next example you could perhaps change out "the" to "Our High School class bell rang out" or something like that as to not repeat the start of your sentence with "The" in a consecutive fashion:

The High School class bell rang out, so clear and yet hollow,
- The final blast bellowed… knowing many wouldn’t hear it tomorrow.
I needed to follow through rather than just waiting here in the wings
a nearly impossible task when you’re the sole eyes and ears of a sting.

Either way that's extreme nitpicking tho, the former example is clean af to me and thoroughly enjoy how you lay it out in a vivid yet easy to digest way for the reader to get without thinking twice about what you're saying.

Question, haven't the guy already decided to make his move? Why isn't it straight to the point in a "I'm making my move, though my legs were still wobbly" insteady of "I decide to make my move"? Idk, just something I questioned while reading this couplet:
I decide to make my move, though my legs were still wobbly,
taking aim as I threw caution to the wind with the rest of my body.
Ye, I get that it fits to "their minds"

Would perhaps cut out the second "as" in this sentence as well (kind of like the repetition thing I pointed out earlier, maybe even the first two, plus it'll still fit with "noise of a single" a sentence or two down):
Eric Harris remained as cold and as poised as the finger
clasped at his waist while it mercilessly toyed with the trigger.

Another thing I recognize is the lack of directness to your verse. Like, he ain't toying with the trigger no more as the story progress while it transitions into the next act. I don't mean to fuck shit up, but something like this runs through my mind while reading it to get the direct message across a bit harsher:

Eric Harris remained cold and poised as the finger
clasped at his waist as it shalf-assedly raced to the trigger.
The noise of a single gunshot ran through the corridor —
^Obviously just an example/my thoughts, what weight you put to that is up to you. The execution of it all as well in terms of rhymeschemes, I'm just getting at the directness of how the story progress forward here.

Perhaps also removing words here and there to help that "directness" further would be to remove "a" in the second line here and add "with head starts" instead:
It causes a couple second delay while they wave their arms to sedate me
but meant more could then run with a head start toward safety.
^Again just thoughts for you to trash and burn if need be.

This is strict dopeness to me tho, the pacing and imagery is top notch shit:
I lie motionless looking up at the towering giants hostile in pursuit
my hopes could be crushed like they treat people, under the bottom of their shoe.
I hear a volley as they shoot to kill the innocents in trouble ahead
semi-consciously I move to crawl on my side while struggling for breath.

This seems rushed to me:
I needed to try and help the victims any way in which I could (how about "any which way that I could"?)
so I then creep up inside the cold, steeled chamber of the gun.

Same with:
Pushing firmly against the casing on the bullet while holding on tight
If I don’t make it and I come to die, at least it will be knowing I tried…
^Idk, it the second line there just reads a bit off to me. Dope fucking close conceptually tho.


Master Rock:

Cool intro, this line seems stretched to me tho and could be broken up and given its own line with "I don't know why I saw it ooze maroon":
I would paint pictures of you, your silhouette glistening by the moon,
and I don't know why I saw it ooze maroon.

I think the same could be done with this line:
to crush the pain in my heart I clutch I cherish the moment we touched

Enjoyed the pacing to this a lot tho:
capture you as my dreams, I bleed into these
sheets...the paint cuts...into my soul deep
till I'm left with nothing more..... deplete
I seep into the cloud of my own sorrow
what's tomorrow?
If cried so much shell of myself.... hollow

Then the stretched stuff again with this:
They say it's better to have sipped and have love spilled than to never have had your cup filled I don't believe that for one second at all you were entirety and without I feel like I'm nothing at all
^Even if it's meant as an effect to further understand the inner turmoil it doesn't really add much to the reader and takes away from the point/story you got here. The content of it is emotional, heartelt and dope af tho, so you got that going which is cool.

I'm still trying to make sense of things
it's like the more flowers I get the more thorns it brings
^Definitely feeling this

The last line also comes across as a bit stretched to me. Since it also is the last line I think "I think I won't... " as a standalone sentence at the bottom would have brought a more visually appealing closure to the overall feel of your piece.

In the end tho, content matter and pic given... I dug this. And if you hadn't faced a guy such as the one you're up against in this round you probably would have snatched my vote cus this was a cool piece. Enjoyed the read, solid drop.

Vote: Dank for a more thorough story driven piece with better writing mechanics in this match up. I also think that if Master Rock had a bit longer piece it could have brought home the loneliness, desperation and anguish even more than it already did cus there's some dope concepts here and there. I'd like to know the character he built a little bit more with perhaps more info/content on why this girl in particular is so important to him.

Dope fucking battle. Enjoyed the read to both here A LOT.

[Adverse]

Honestly guys, this is looking to be the battle of the week. Both of you were masterful at times in your respective pieces but one piece in particular stood out to me, let me break it down.

Dank:
Great verse here sir. This was an engaging piece and though it takes hold of a pretty common storytelling device (the fly on the wall retelling of an actual event.) it felt original, also the direction you took the picture in was unexpected, we’ve all heard the story of Columbine thousands of times (especially since I grew up in Colorado) so it’s not a new premise, and has mostly been dissected from every angle courtesy of the slew of documentaries, podcasts etc about it. But this was fresh, it may seem a little goofy for two school shooters, human monsters to secretly be doing battle against an insect but the premise just works. I think you have and still do walk a very thin line between corny and effective when you use metaphoric approaches to your storytelling (I.e assembling a SWAT team, eyes and ears of a sting) but honestly you exceed where other people fail, you can throw little lines like that here and there and still keep your theme serious and effective. Not many topical writers are able to do that and a lot (myself included) won’t even attempt it.

This line in particular was so good

“ I’ve studied their whereabouts, seen every classmate painted in blood
so much that my hair stood on end, though i admit it gave me a buzz.”

Overall I’m sure you’ve heard it all before, this is trademark Lars at work here after all but this was just a great verse and a haymaker to bring in the inaugural week with.

Master Rock:
Admittedly Rock I didn’t think you’d show this time around, but here you are and there were parts of your verse that were super impressive but I think you’ve still got the same problem you have before, that being you don’t really give yourself enough time to write. You’re an excellent writer even under pressure, but when you write so close to the due date then it leaves a lot of room for error. Whether that be not fleshing out your story completely, or just some grammatical missteps (which you had a few here) while we can all probably decipher what you were saying after a small mistake , it still makes the flow of the writing more choppy. And though you took the easy road conceptually I think you made the piece come alive, I think I FELT your piece more than Lars’ (he’s a lot more literal in his writing, where you have a lot more raw emotion in yours) so in that sense it was beautiful l. This whole section was spectacular

“I gave you every piece of me...down to the very last drip
They say it's better to have sipped and have love spilled than to never have had your cup filled I don't believe that for one second at all you were entirety and without I feel like I'm nothing at all
I'm still trying to make sense of things
it's like the more flowers I get the more thorns it brings”

Awesome awesome writing here man this was great work, I thought you started off slow but this last section was nice. I think the ending was a little subpar though I wish you took the scenic route and gave us some more of what you did in the quoted lines.

Overall this wasn’t a bad read, it was even great in spots, if you had an opponent other than Lars this week I think you would have shined and won pretty easily, but Lars has been around for years, he manufactures verses like these in his sleep, it’s all muscle memory at this point, like Jordan shooting a wide open jumper. And to beat a piece that’s so conceptually sound you’ve got to have that little bit of extra on top, sadly you didn’t have it this week, undermining what is a pretty sound verse from you.

Great battle guys definitely BOTW in my eyes, as it stands my vote goes to Dank

[brokenhal0]

Dank - Really killed it this week this type of writing requires any contender to bring out there best verse seemed like you had this one brewing inside you for a while and you had something to prove showing your technical skill and masterful storytelling really tight rhyme scheme with no technical errors with a little shade thrown on other verses posted this week including your's truly ...good stuff


Master Rock - This verse felt a bit rushed to me i feel that if you added a bit more complexity in terms of vocab and some more lines with visceral impact that it would have been closer i wanted more and it felt a bit incomplete..


Vote goes to - DANK

[Blue Bayou]

Sorry in advance if I can't be as thorough as I want to be.. on my phone

I get the sense a lot of people, and league in general, really focus on or prioritize the "story" element of topicals where I'm someone who is more drawn to emotions and/or themes that really make one think...

Dank - This is technically very well written and there was some dope individual lines... but I dunno, I didn't love it and don't really get what everyone is fawning over... I thought the story in totality was pretty silly tbh lol. Im clearly in the minority soooo, sorry i suppose? Lol...Nothing overly stimulating or provoking imo and i didnt really like the concept with a pic provided.. some very nice technical writing on display throughout tho so props

Master , I think you wrote to the pic well and I quite liked the cup filled and more thorns lines... a little bit more emotionally resonating for me, but technically you were outwritten pretty handily and I thought the structure was a bit off at times

I wanna say I'm a bit torn but yeah I suppose Dank won

Props fellas

[Adverse]

Dank wins 5-0