WEEK TWO: ADONIS (1-0) vs BROKENHAL0 (1-0) HAL0 WINS 4-0

[Adverse]

AOWL Season X WEEK TWO @Adonis @brokenhal0

Verse Due: FRIDAY APRIL 1ST @ 11:59PM EST


Line min: 10

Max: 60


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

Topic:


GOOD LUCK

[brokenhal0]

'Ballpoint Cemetery"

This kill alone was not sufficient it don't stop the voices
it don't stop the visions and im quick to kill the opposition
my only writers block is a log soaked with the heart's of victims
plots and propositions prompts and compositions botched depictions
every page behind me tells of stories left unfinished
tossed away and ripped in half
crumpled within the withering knuckles of a writers fit of wrath

Masked man acting like a deranged infant parking lot of arby's
cosplaying with a axe large fries trunk full of naked barbies
A lucrative beheading is food on the table in bush meat party's
in these small towns, where conditions make soil to poor to harvest
never have they seen the treasures of a printers ink in a beautiful cartridge

I left it a mutilated plastic carcass , empty bottles bags of garbage
if the town only knew they be at my door with pitchforks and brown dockers
hound dogs and muskets in muddy waters i wade through thorny brushes
distant tears for phony lovers in a world full of ink who's drawn to exploring
the inner mechanics of a fountain pen that's been fully busted
hot coals remove the filmy substance


Breaking on the wheel was the cruelest form of execution for my newest song
condemned limbs were broken by angels swinging axes through the storm
tethered to the tension overweight man tall with nuanced weapons
smelling like a milk crate with a home in the hampton's
executing passions pick up the pen and stab'em in the face

Psycho tendency's I stalk my victims while drinking jimson weed tea
driving a chevy prizm wearing a helicopter beanie
two left feet that got rhythm they'll never see me
im living different lives like actors on TV.

I sell there kids ice cream and talk with the single mothers about nice things
little do they know the frightening manner which excites me occurring nightly
perspiration in my skin tagged armpits extra large gilden ink stains and markers
cutting can's of paint in my boxers wrongdoers often remained alive for hours
or even days. If there were unforeseen circumstances, I broke there legs
expressive origin coup de grâce.

A artist who tears apart every piece of art that he's wished
a arson of the heart gimme the axe and cedar chips
partially compressed feel a sharp breeze when the blade missed
a snake hissed
run threw the corn maze with the furrowed brow
a disheveled smile breathing heavy cause your lungs are foul

No one ever escapes no matter the style no matter the chase
no matter the color palate or display case stylus or quills
multi-ink twinks get there fountain waters chilled
calligraphy killer living in roller ball hell life executor
gel pens get molested until they quiver as well.

Don't trip cause when I chase you down it's scary
inside the trap door of my office drawer lie's the ball point cemetery.

[Adonis]

Topic: ~Death of a Writer~

Life began with a key, the bolted door is now free
Unlocked potential potentially flowing through calligraphy
But this story began with a rookie thumbing at words
Not gifted in verse, in fact, he was stumbling at first
catching L after L, still, his votes were superb
Well read between lines, learned to slowly, manipulate verbs
Every action has reaction, and I’m @Certain he reacted, observe
He had @Paytience with pen, dedicated, intense
@Pent uP aggression in losses left him clutching, make sense?
He learned from the hate, the feed were nuggets and gems
Went from a @dead man inside, to the realest Benn Grimm
He took the smoke and the mirrors and refracted its lore
Writing once was a chore, now its engrained to the core
Dancing shadows of light during the darkest of night
Left his love blinded like genocide, only the death was a mic
During competition, labeled obnoxious, but he weathered the storm
Sold his soul to Mephisto to make his letters adorned
But if he learned how to write, maybe he’d learn about life
So he reached for the stars, but the @Soulstice meant he was burnt by the light
He’d never be the best, @RichardCorey, but he’d work like the goats
Enjoying pancakes with @oats, learning to swim, a budding @zygote
His lessons come due, at least he thinks that they have
Cause his @Objective to champ left a @brokenhal0 or two
Dreams to @Bodey a few had him swimming with sharks in the @Blue Bayou
His paper beat scissors cause he’s mastered the rock
Inhaling the @Dank, blowing white clouds as they gather in spots
Dreams of dominating addiction, man poems so @Vulgar yet cute
Early leagues, so aloof, but over time less, growth so astute
His @Adverse demeanor meant his sins were a cog in the wheel
Fortunately he learned to steer clear of jawing with peers
Now he’s sweeter than @Candy, no longer young @corleone
Once a stuttering Stanley, now a Don is, a pun-fully grown
He’s evicted his sorrow, enjoy the death of a writer
Shedding old skin left a newborn hoping for fire
Now all that he craves….these legends check into the cypher

...

[Universe]

brokenhal0:

Surprisingly... I enjoyed this. Although not up to the usual technical standards I expect, there was still a rawness here that I really liked. You had some vivid imagery stacked in here as well, some lines really had some impact even though not fully fleshed out or delivered, which actually speaks volumes for how well the concepts jumped off the screen.

It was a literal take on the topic though... You do this a lot. It's like you see the picture and just began typing with no real deeper thought behind it, which seems to be your schtick. But amidst the chaos that you bring, every once in awhile, you can unearth some gems.

That said, as cool as this was, your lack of preparation and technical laziness will penalize you here... Let's just see if your imagery was enough to pull you through.


Adonis:

Okay it started out kind of cool but I was hoping you wouldn't go full autobiography on us and switch it up, do something different, aaannddd... not only did that not happen, but you went the 'drop people's names' route and incorporated it into your narrative, which is supposed to come off as creative but is actually the exact opposite, in my opinion. This is lazy writing and it has been done all before. A thousand times over. And better.

I don't know, I just didn't like it man. I know you have skill but this was beneath you on every level. This is a topical league, and nothing about this sparked originality or showed us something new story-wise. To me, it was the narrative equivalent of "it was all a dream" ending. Ugh. And the final call out for legends to enter the cypher just seemed... kind of dumb. No one cares. Just tell us a story man, that's what we are here for.

I'm going with brokenhal0 here. His imagery won out in the end.

[Adverse]

Hal0:
I think you shined here in the same way that you shined last week, that being that your imagery was on point. The way you described these murder scenes was real American Psycho-esque, it provoked the senses much like you describing that hoarder mess from last weeks picture topic. I don’t think you shy away from imagery that some people would find hard to read, let alone write and I think that makes you a better writer because you are unpredictable in what you’re going to say. Though you took a literal approach I dug it completely, really liked this verse actually. Think you can be more coherent story wise though and believe you’ll have to be to hang with competition going forward.

Adonis:
First of all thanks for the name drop lol
I see you like to think outside the box on your topics and I appreciate that, this was another meta take akin to your drop from last week but I do think this one fell flat unfortunately, i felt like Universe had said in his vote that you started real solid and I was excited for more but didn’t like where it ended up going. I won’t reprimand you as much as he did over the topic being unoriginal because realistically I’m sure every topic has been done at least once so that’s not a concern of mine, what matters to me is execution but unfortunately I didn’t feel like you executed here, think you kind of botched a decent premise with all of the name drops and what not. You’re a good topical writer but this wasn’t a good topical.

Overall I’m voting for Hal0 for the better written, his imagery was formidable.

V/Hal0

[Dominate]

Halo - if I’m reading this correctly, I thought this was a terrific take. The opening set it up well

every page behind me tells of stories left unfinished
tossed away and ripped in half
crumpled within the withering knuckles of a writers fit of wrath

So, you’re gonna give us a few partially written stories that you/the author couldn’t finish, perhaps all tied together with the common theme of murder/bloodlust/RAGE. Dope idea IMO and gives you room to really have some fun here.

Like others have said - you paint well with your words. Great imagery. I think you should have tried a different style/voice for the different stories to make it clear that they were in fact different. You would benefit from some punctuation inside your lines too - it’d help both the flow/rhythm and the content. Pretty cool piece, it definitely held my interest.


Adonis - my name was so far towards the end, I was starting to worry I wasn’t going to get a mention! Phew, there is is. Okay. Uhhhhh I didn’t love this one man. A ‘meta’ approach for the second week in a row is already too much for me, and this thing where you use a bunch of people’s names as wordplays is something I’ve seen a lottttt in the text battle scene over the years. I almost never like it there and I didn’t like it here. At first I thought you were going to just mention some of the big names that aren’t active anymore, and that would have been a cool take on the topic if you’d done it more subtlety instead of with tags. The proximity of the words/phrases ‘certain’, ‘pent up’, ‘patience’ etc would have been enough, the reader would have gotten it without it being so gaudy. The actual writing, if I ignore the tags, is ok but not at the level you’re capable of. You’ve got decent mechanics here too - thumbing at words/stumbling at first was good in particular.

I’m voting for halo

[Objective]

First off... What a topic! Loving the pics this week.

Brokenhal0: First stanza is dope to me but goddamn, at least some form of punctuation would have been great to see... Cus that's one hell of a long sentence to read through even if line breaks are supposed to help me out.

I sell there kids ice cream and talk with the single mothers about nice things
^Don't you mean "I sell THEIR kids ice cream..."? I know, nitpicking... But besides punctuation I got nothing to really say about the rest cus it's just dope af to me as is. However, typos like "their" stop me in my track and breaks the flow up, making me re-read what you mean. It's a tiny detail that may detract from the overall feel of the verse, stuff like this may play a role in extremely close battles. Not that I think you don't know this but I'm upfront about what I see regardless.

or even days.
^Holy shit, a period in the middle of a stanza. Man, the concept of your piece is dope tbh, it's inspiring to read this verse but seeing punctuation would have made it go from solid to dope af.

A artist who tears apart every piece of art that he's wished
^AN artist (From google: If there is a consonant sound, “a” is used. The word art is a singular noun and starts with a vowel sound. so, it should have the article 'an' before it.)

Man, I don't got much else to critique in your verse, so it boils down to grammar stuff like punctuation, "an" and "their" etc.

Dope closure as well. Overall enjoyed your piece this week. Punctuation and proper grammar would help a lot tho. Besides of that, good stuff. Enjoyed the imagery and concept pertaining to the topic given, internal rhymes and flow that was easy to follow as well. You got "stretched" lines but they didn't feel like they were long at all. A lengthy piece that I didn't want to end tbh cus your way with words is dope to follow/read.

Adonis: Been looking forward to read your stuff and happy to see you in here.

Life began with a key, the bolted door is now free
Unlocked potential potentially flowing through calligraphy
But this story began with a rookie thumbing at words
Not gifted in verse, in fact, he was stumbling at first
catching L after L, still, his votes were superb
Well read between lines, learned to slowly, manipulate verbs
^Yo, a story about writer? Dope concept, I'm digging this.

Got to be honest tho, the immersion broke once you started talking about writers on the site tho. As an extra effect I think it would have been a bit more relatable if you refrained from names, cus then people could make their own connections to the story at hand while you lay out the story and path of a writer striving for greatness.

As a whole tho... This was an awesome read, would have loved to see it in the OM-section. In a topical battle it broke the 4th wall a little bit too much.

Solid verse with a bold concept that unfortunately didn't hit that well for me in this format.

Vote: brokenhal0. But damn, overall this battle was an enjoyable and fun read from beginning to end. Both writers brought their own set of heat and show they can write.