Week 8: NYCSPITZ vs Cereal_Killer (NYCSPITZ WINS 5-0 SHUTOUT)

[asylum]

Season 6

Verses are due SUNDAY 4/24 11:59 PST

Voting ends TUESDAY 4/26 11:59 PST

Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic:


Good luck to both participants.
@NYCSPITZ (1-0) and @Cereal_Killer (0-0)

[NYCSPITZ]

--


his cynical stare was psychotic from all the marbles he'd lost
though penetrating - sitting chilled under the firmament's frost
hidden inside him was a package of astounding beliefs
outside that Brooklyn halfway home in two thousand and three...
I sat and talked, though the stench on what he was wearing was ripe
it was his ode to 70's punk to wear his hair in a spike
salt and pepper beard grizzled, but kept it neat as could be
a crack whore would trim it for him called Lisa-Marie
he gazed at me without blinking, giving a turbulent smile
and pinched his chest; "this is the best suit I've worn in awhile"
I was mesmerized by the man's world, so sordid and stark
when one day he transformed, started performing his art
it was as if a brief light finally tried to escape
and this single moment inexorably was tied to his fate -
Chilly Autumn...when the light dies flirting with night's vows
he saw me coming home from work, when he curtsied and cried out:
"Young man! Allow me to state my purpose, it's considerably bold...
it's only right you're the man to whom this soliloquy's owed!
I came from the isle 'cross the sea which conquered, refined
were our mannerisms! None could flee its dominant bind
from India to Africa down to the southernest seas
the Sun never set upon us and our mother the queen!
a life given to empire was the commonest praise
and fueled even I, Jack Pickens the wandering knave
but all good things end - it's simply a sensational fact
born too late! I Curse the damned generational gap
so New York became my home in life's furious stream
it crushed my soul, wallet and more - my shakespearean dreams"
with that he seemed to seize up and light fled from his eyes
faster than anyone with the quickest wit or ken could surmise
he sank back into a stupor dazed, broken and stumped
a lucid moment championing all the homeless and drunk



.

[Cereal_Killa]

To whom who wanted a story read to it by me my I..

Here you go,
you can now..

--------------------

Start neutering them..
My girl main character
(What if)
--------------------
Titled:

who opens their mouth reason
It's and ours again

pull out my own tongue
How long who

---------------------------
Cereal_Killer Verse:


the reflection it's smeared and swirled in other's eyes today,
already made
in that's a hard thing to take..
* puddle mine
puddle yours*
away..
WITH her nose to the air
as a point,
that's why I am a hole in a needle belief
Of I knew.. SHE states..
to herself in herself
stretched in not out..
Moist air in thought of face to save..

to make it point she continues
to move in place..
you don't need the ground*
little bridge of mine sit stay
as if my shattered possibly just motion to motion reflection is lace
Found
does it need emotions
with location
trying to embrace the motive of frozen you got eyes..
around*

with beliefs like DNA strands now you're on it
widdled
of just wait for the..
(I am your to whom)
to point
to point at I in eyes, last silence
as it will forward your (..now..)
to yeh ok
you drown and electrically roll in the word born..
SILENT(inside less)
if a word drips
it's just "forward" and just the next person hopefully sold sure..

Except with a tongue
with a star out
With you for you (*i knew*)
_________________
(........)
just missed it
nose arch
nose arch
it must have done it*
*sarcasticly thought
(as I hold on disjointed)
me of me I in eyes
on which she is I from this
for

Eahhhh ahhhh eh*

In oil of I..
Until I myself in eyes are
(cold in the sound of *clunk)
See is
Now it can stay,
what we already knew was in you all along..
until then,
or any other time it is not I in deny,
a bunch
of's..
We knew it was your when..

is what I'm here to sell as (all of me)


Me..
the boy whom stands before
THE boy before the girl with the puddles/pools/pupils and eyeball pulse
move
that in which is not I at all, but yet a boy not a girl
in form of real person born..
As
oh there I am standing before..
The girl.. As the girl
that I am
(I simply don't care who the boy customer is)
in where, where her whisper said sell)

The boy customer
You can now..

-------------------

[symetrik]

nycspitz - brought the topic home. gave the character so much MORE character than already wonderfully captured in the picture. the portrayal of a very real sequence, shining enthusiasm of what makes a man himself to the crushing reality of his dream never reaching its fruition. hawt.

ck - bruh. you on some shit but honestly I dug the fuck out of MOST of it. the slap to the face approach jerks you back and forth and keeps your attention honed and your feet on toes. some parts I wished were a tad bit more coherent... in the weird way? if we pulled a little back from LSD and a little more into the strength of the piece, you're on a roll. or... rolling?

mvgt - nycspitz

[Adonis]

Spitta - lovely read my friend, very eloquent and to the point. Cadence never faltered, not even for a second. Story was impressive, for a second I felt connected to this man because the thought has passed my mind a million times, being a poet born not young enough. Imagery was spot on as well. Def over wordy, for me anyways. You did mess something up on the mannerism line. Other then that, I give this a solid A++,probably my favorite verse of the season. It's so simple, yet deep down, if you look at, holds so much meaning.


Cheerio Killa - strange way to write a verse, very unique and original. I think i get it, but before I take a stab at it, let me say, trying to purposely confuse the reader will not get you many votes let alone votes for you,just saying. The entire verse you tiptoed around who you really are. The girl in the mirror fixing make up, the one selling something, maybe the snooty bitch with her nose to the air, maybe just the boy with wondering eyes, who can't take them from the girl. Also, why do you have a different topic? In any case, I liked the verse because you kept me searching, reading more and more, but alas, you still went over my head. I love your originality, but wish you could convey more meaning, the hidden message if you will. You don't have to come out and say it, but at least one easy clue for goodness sake. You ran into a monster though, I would have voted the same for any verse this season

V/spit of the big Apple / NYC

Truly loved the read, one of my favorites all time. It makes a long list of 20 or so

[asylum]

Nyc, fittingly.. this image was taken by a street photographer in new york in the early 1900s. Your verse was absolutely Impeccable. I enjoyed the monologue, it was a great addition to the verse.. The character development in the beginning was stellar, i could almost imagine the voice in my head for a moment. Nice work.

Cereal killer - this was a very strange piece indeed! Not quite sure what happened here if there was a story involved it was way over my head. There were some interesting parts but in the end i was left rather confused.


Mvgt nycspitz.

[Artifice]

NYC

Dopeness. One of the best pieces I've read since joining the league.

Cereal Killa

Sorry man, I didn't get it. I thought you had some cool imagery lined in the piece, and some interesting juxtapositions of concept, but it felt like loose threads to me in the end. Sorry.

v/ NYC

[sral]

NYC came correct as a mug. Lot of nice flourishing touches here throughout, especially the beginning to really give some depth to the character behind the picture. The punk line especially worked very well. The dialogue works, but feels a little unnatural in spots, it's not so big an issue for me because he's a drunk but in general dialogue is very hard to do and make rhyme and I'm nitpicking really there by pointing it out, it's just a personal bug bear of mine. Very nice verse. Well executed. Another case of a writer transcending the picture given as a topic and owning it.

CK - You're untouchable right now, in your own mind. I love that the "fuck you" mentality to your writing and you unashamedly doing you, but this broken down bar style does nothing for me right now and the thoughts are such a scatterbrained sporadic mixture it's hard to get into. Hit me up on PM with what drugs you're doing though, I'd cop some of that shit.

Vote - NYCSpitz