GWL PLAYOFFS RD 2 #3 ADVERSE (9-4) VS #4 UNIVERSE (8-3) (UNI WINS)

[Adverse]

GUERRILLA WRITING LEAGUE

@Adverse
@Universe

Max line: 50

Min: 10

Check in: 48 hours after thread post

DUE DATE: AUG 3RD @ 11:59PM EST

TOPIC:

'The greatest happiness is to know the source of unhappiness.' - Fyodor Dostoevsky


GOOD LUCK!

[Adverse]

Checkkkk good luck Uni

[Universe]

Check. And to you bud.

50 for sure :)

[Adverse]

Line limit upped to 100 per Universe's request

[Universe]

The Lady in the Attic

*100 line max, as agreed upon.

"The greatest happiness is to know the source of unhappiness." - Fyodor Dostoevsky

......

*Humming sounds from above

Hmmm.. hmm... hmm.. hmm... hmmmm..

Aiden - 3:26 am

Life's what I do when I can't sleep, I fear it's not that appealing
I wake up the same time every night staring up at the ceiling
Not to share my feelings with God, or say another annoying prayer
The attic I avoid is bare... yet I swear I just heard a noise up there
Should I get up? The choice is clear but I don't want to see
No honestly, it's probably my wife's ghost haunting me
Melanie died alone one Autumn eve, in a new season of fall leaves (follow me...)
Seems ironic that in the Attic is where I keep her belongings...
I crawl free from my warm sheets and sneak into the hallway
Careful not to wake my son Mason, he's still at that odd age
Of believing monsters on pages; I'd rather avoid the latest chapter
Yanked the hanging hatch, the attic groaned, I climbed the makeshift ladder
Opaque thick dust consumed and blanketed the pale moon rays
Reminding me in every cruel way that it was a rarely used space
A light bulb was attached to a moving chain, no doubt I freaked
It was lit too... Whoever pulled it remained just out of reach
Seems some battle lines mustn't be crossed, I was trapped and entrenched
Plus something felt off... So I retreated and rushed back to my bed...

Zoey - 3:49 am

I stepped out of the shadows, a pair of high heels in hand
Not making a sound, glad to find myself nowhere near that man
Checked the mirror; No strand of blond hair was out of its place
I'm stranded up here, yet you couldn't locate a frown on this face
Applied shades of lipstick to thin lips and smacked them together
Knowing if I was stashed in the cellar this hide n' seek would've lasted forever
The attic is better... Not to be full of myself but I might concede
During Aiden's nightly dreams I sneak down for a bite to eat
I'm never quite complete; I'm used to listening to the ground as he wept
For hours on end, I only truly move around when he slept
I needed a place to just reside, safely away from prying eyes
But this last resort was always something I hated to surmise
I had my pride, still I wanted to be taken by surprise
Imagining the day when myself, Aiden and Mason might collide...

Aiden - 7:08 am

I'm too awake... Up early to get my son set for the school day
He of course fumed, "Hey! Where's my muffins and orange kool-aid!?"
Every morning something moves places from the night just before
Can't say Mason was entirely ignored, but I wave goodbye at the door
Of course there's no manual for raising a child, you just automatically deal
I gravitate upstairs, where I find the attic hatch actually sealed (weird...)
Coulda swore it was open... Shit. God knows I'm nothing but emphatic
Yet I no longer listen to the man upstairs, just to the woman in the attic
I shouldn't be an addict to my own cherished artifacts
Wedding rings mean entire arms are trapped - Where's the harm in that?
When you're alone sadness washes over you like tidal waves
I have a lot to say but I can't pray to a wifeless grave (thanks)
Difference is so night and day; I went to a psychiatrist to cope
Doc prescribed a simple code, he told me to write Melanie little notes
But there was no catharsis found with every letter wrote
My grip on reality was slipping slow because I never let her go
Now I get bold at night, you know the type, trying to scroll through life
Skimming the surface of things yet ogling every hole in sight
Want to know what that very same doctor told my wife?
"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on tight..."

I just might...

Zoey - 1:13 pm

I admit living in an attic is an unreasonable act
I hide from daylight but there's more than one reason for that
People's reactions linger, they laugh and snicker to trigger pain
I listen to rain for entertainment; Staring at a woman in a picture frame
You're a widow Aiden, aren't you? But I'm a hostage in this home
If it wasn't for Stockholm syndrome it would be obvious to go
Knocking on windows gets me nowhere, yet pacing in steps might
You probably noticed, but I gotta know... Am I replacing your dead wife?

Aiden - 3:26 am

Heard the noises again tonight, the fact is I hate these re-enactments
Plus I know the lady in the attic is basically entrapment
Made my way to the ladder and peeked above... Not to build this up...
But I believe I feel guilty cuz I'm ignoring who I really was
Stepped gingerly through some dust to answer the mother of all questions
That's when I found a blond wig, lipstick and other small cosmetics
Something came over me, I froze like I clicked pause and left it
If this was a game then there was no harder hit box detection
Cuz it's not the connection I wanted, but it's the one that I need
I grabbed the make up brush and quickly added some blush to my cheeks
Put the blond wig on; A dress that fell just above the knee
Added leather boots and eyeshadow, everything this fella loves to be
Looking totally sheik, so sky high even God is below me
Then I looked at my reflection in the mirror... and all I saw was just...

Zoey

Suddenly everything's glowing... I guess I overturned a new leaf
No burden, relief! I felt like the best version of me
Being born in the wrong body left me needing a plan
The source of my unhappiness was simply... being a man
To reap all benefits of women's clothes spread across dressers...
I’ll allow myself the displeasure of being called a cross dresser
Mom knew but never told you, said wait 'til you were older, well...
To be honest, Mason... She probably never truly told herself
Some change is constant, but other coins stay down in the well
People like me don't come out of the closet, we break out of our cells
I honestly can't tell you the last time I was this happy, see? :)
Probably your mother's pregnancy; Is that why you act so mad at me?
It's sad to read; Eyeliner pooled, but letting out a cry won't do
I looked at myself in the mirror and said, "Yeah... I know you"
Zoey meet Aiden - the "normal" you; I smiled and waved at the boy that grew
And somewhere in the recesses of my mind I knew Aiden joined in too...

Meanwhile...

Mason holds on to the scissors not knowing what to expect
It must be something intense because he's looking numb with neglect
Wanting to vent, he grabs a Barbie doll from under his bed
Then combs its blond hair while sitting naked, his underwear wet
Wonder what comes next? Mutilating his mother-for-rent
He'll probably move his way to animals before summer can end
To him Barbie IS Ken; "Pretty daddy..." is all that was said
He trims the doll's blond hair with scissors... Then cuts off the head
The letter on his desk was digested, it wasn't just read
And up in the den... The lady in the attic was humming again...

Hmmm.. hmm... hmm.. hmm... hmmmm..

[Adverse]

I can see her so vividly..

Your hair falls over your shoulders, tangled in braids of Autumn
Those eyes meet mine with wonderment, peek inside your soul when I gaze upon em
Your pale skin dotted with freckles, we lovingly call them angel kisses
You're my favorite image, I anticipate your often much too brief daily visits
Your familiar presence is just enough to stain reality's surface
Yet just out of reach, hidden beyond a great, white curtain
Seeing your illuminated phantom is honestly the easiest part
It's when the breeze carries you away my heart trembles like the leaves as you depart
You escape through my fingers nonchalantly, like falling grains of sand
I crack a grin, but my absent stare SCREAMS just how pained I am
Coaxed back to reality by all the voices of the present
I sit my grieving eyes on the shelf for a later date, it's daily evanescent
But for a few minutes a day, I sit and linger on your life of fallacy
Spotlighted by the dying evening light peaking through the blinds, a silent tragedy
My memory's so insistent that you NEVER existed
My mind screaming out "get a grip! Why waste so much energy on fiction?"
It's been years since I shed you, thought it'd ease up but the older that I get
I'm being crushed more each day by the boulders of regret that I'll probably shoulder till my death
Your faintest kiss is always a painful reminder that smolders on my flesh
Yet it's a chilling reminiscent that makes me colder in the same breath..
I try to distract myself from your ghast with these frivolous tasks
Day after day, scribbling sorrowful scripts with this pen and this pad
I've been drowning in your essence, thrashing in a sea with no escape
I've been flailing my arms, splashing in the blue hues of melancholia for so long…
….I was bound to paint a few masterpieces by mistake


….I hope you've found your way, no thanks to me
I always promised you'd be safe with me, vowed to treat you with sanctity
The world views me as saintly, echoes of praise "we're proud of you!"
But they don't see the shallow grave I buried my transgressions in just out of view
Fingers crossed that they never catch scent of the rot I carry from you
I've sewed sinful seeds my entire life, now I'm so ashamed of the crops that I grew
Though I hold a bottomless scroll that houses my regrets, you're first on the list
I labeled you a burden only because I lacked courage, you're a gift!
To have love and to have lost, not many can say both were their choice
Exiled from happiness, forced to walk in solitude in these colorless voids
Scrubbed my mistake from Earth's face instead of being a man who lived with it
Heart was so ardent towards you, yet my brain displayed ambivalence
I wonder if you still look at me as flawless? Or can you see the glaring chinks in my armor?
I was on the brink of salvation if I only I kept pushing onwards
Maybe I could have found faith, maybe I could have found somethin
Then my only glimpse of you wouldn't be in clouds of hazy afternoon "what if"s


I could do a million amazing things, but my legacy will forever be
My hands covered in your blood and all the words I never let you speak
Had you had the chance, you could've grown flowers in desolation
You could've made the sun shine bright, regardless of the weather
Had you had the chance, you could have changed the fucking world with your tremendous heart
But with every chance I had, I discredited you and tore the idea of you to tiny pieces
Until you were physically ripped apart…

Legs starting to burn from the last half a decade runnin and duckin
My Dad hung the stars in my night sky just so I could peel every one of them from yours, it's poetic injustice
I've walked down this road a million times this old beaten down path
Thinking of inhaling spring air and walking you to your kindergarten class
I've picked my brain apart thousands of times just trying to find rational sense
Of why I would take something so delicate, fragile and smash it to bits
Who could take such a lovely scene and make it so tragic?
The same thing that brought me such glee is now the reason for my unhappiness
You're the phantom of my own flesh and blood who haunts me relentlessly
And I'm the creature that won't let you rest in peace, resurrection through memories
And although my biggest regret is not holding on, I guess it's time to let you go

You're in heaven with the angels, leave earth to the monsters and the horrid
The beasts that I roam with, sending a kite to the daughter I had aborted...

[BOOM]

First off, salute to both of you for coming through with this shit. I know it isn’t easy and thoroughly deserves a breakdown for the effort you’ve both shown here, I’ve a feeling we may struggle for votes this round given the lengthy line limits and verses. Lol.

I’ll be breaking down both verses as I read through them. My first thoughts on the topic are thats it’s philosophical in nature, either to do with the fact you have to address the root of the problem in order to solve it or it could be taken as someone that finds happiness in others misfortune etc I believe that’s where the Germanic word “schadenfreude” comes from. The first take seems to offer more in the way of an intelligent take you could develop; the second maybe something more light hearted and comedic. Truth be told here I think the first idea is the route to go for, it lends itself to the quotation far more, it’s direct and tackles the subject matter head on, definitely the more preferable in terms of execution. Let’s see how you guys took it...


The Lady In The Attic

Uni this is dope! Reminds me of me. The “annoying prayer/avoid is bare/noise up there” carry over rhyme is fire.

Should I get up? The choice is clear but I don't want to see
No honestly, it's probably my wife's ghost haunting me

This is a clever switch up of the rhyme, the compound masculine sounds form together to give it a more rapid fire change of pace that I thoroughly enjoyed. I’m not sure how many will catch exactly what you’re doing there, but it was a deft touch and not one I’m overlooking at all. Nice penmanship for sure.

Belongings in the attic was nice, followed by more well worked internal rhymes from a technical standpoint while building on the storytelling.

he's still at that odd age
Of believing monsters on pages; I'd rather avoid the latest chapter
Yanked the hanging hatch, the attic groaned, I climbed the makeshift ladder

Very good use of imagery here, particularly around “the attic groaned” which was a fantastic description to use. It creates a realistically visual image for the reader both in the sound, but also the idea of the mouth of this “hanging hatch” dropping open - almost as if waiting to consume those that dare to enter it. I’m a horror fan so this appealed to me a lot in fact. You did a lot with a few words here. It’s complex in its seeming, albeit deceiving, simplicity.

I'm used to listening to the ground as he wept
For hours on end, I only truly move around when he slept

The rhyme scheme used again here is very much to my likening, the lines are crisp and short, but they’re also brimming with the mechanics of the piece and have multi syllable rhymes at their heart carrying the couplet and driving it forward - also helping it have a rhymthic cadence and implied flow that works very well in the format. It takes a high degree of skill to pull all of this off in the space of so few words while maintaining that standard of writing, flow, and still tell a natural sounding story. I think this is top tier stuff.

Coulda swore it was open... Shit. God knows I'm nothing but emphatic
Yet I no longer listen to the man upstairs, just to the woman in the attic

LOL I loved the humorous (punch)lines like this inserted so often and this one deserves quoting. Fire. It’s become somewhat of a lost art in the world of topicals due to straight storytelling taking precedent in recent years but I’m old skool and still really enjoy snippets like this, even if I feel I’ll be one of the few to quote it as dope. I was a text battler way before I tried topicals so shit like that will forever be dope to me, personally. It’s a very underrated (and under-utilised IMHO) element but I, for one, have nothing but love for this style of writing.

Being born in the wrong body left me needing a plan
The source of my unhappiness was simply... being a man

LOL again at this couplet, I’m having a lot of fun with this as I read through but this line is another standout quotable for me for reasons similar to the one above. I enjoy the writing, and the humour it has in this line and first, but you also manage to balance that out with some emotion ejected into it - it feels very real at the same time, making the reader actually feel for the person involved. This isn’t easy to do. Especially for it being a widowed cross dresser we’re talking about. Wildly creative idea.

To him Barbie IS Ken; "Pretty daddy..." is all that was said
He trims the doll's blond hair with scissors... Then cuts off the head

“Barbie IS Ken” was such a good concept to help wrap things up poignantly toward the end, just all round great writing and to know you turned this around on short notice is crazy. You were definitely amped for this round you crazy Canadian fuck. Five flame emojis.



Adverse: You has dope imagery and turns of phrase out the gate with that “braids of Autumn” line that was a super slick visual to start things off. This following couplet is worth quoting though:

Your pale skin dotted with freckles, we lovingly call them angel kisses
You're my favorite image, I anticipate your often much too brief daily visits

As the rhyme scheme is fire, employing the same pattern as I quoted earlier up top from Uni and shows you’re matching him blow for blow here from a technical standpoint. Straight heat from the opening lines. The thing I notice more so in yours is the strength in your descriptive imagery, the finer details, this ability to bring the story to life with fantastic descriptive nouns as you paint a picture for the reader and you’re one of the best in the league at doing this. The vocabulary used is very strong with wording such as “illuminated phantom,” “nonchalantly,” “grieving eyes,” (which was a fire visual by the way). It’s all very strongly composed and you don’t waste a word.

I sit and linger on your life of fallacy
Spotlighted by the dying evening light peaking through the blinds, a silent tragedy

This here’s another great example of your storytelling ability creating a strong visual for the reader “the dying evening light peaking through the blinds,” was my personal favourite. It reminds me of NYCSPITZ somewhat and I mean that as a compliment.

Your faintest kiss is always a painful reminder that smolders on my flesh
Yet it's a chilling reminiscent that makes me colder in the same breath..

Here’s another great example of the skill set deployed, the poetic penmanship and the high degree of technical merit exhibited in both would prove a tough match for anyone. This is the best Adverse we’ve seen IMO. “Blues hues of melancholia,” arguably deserves a mention to from the closing of that stanza, it’s too good to be overlooked and I see you bruh.

I could do a million amazing things, but my legacy will forever be
My hands covered in your blood and all the words I never let you speak

The flow here in this quote was butter, maybe not your typical text topical type line but that’s a good thing IMO - this comes off silky smooth in its execution as a result with the first line blending seemingly into the second, almost like one run on sentence rather than a couple of two lines. This reads very, very cleanly and showcases more your songwriting than topical writing somewhat - unorthodox for a text league piece as I say, but dope nonetheless.

Legs starting to burn from the last half a decade runnin and duckin
My Dad hung the stars in my night sky just so I could peel every one of them from yours, it's poetic injustice

The first line is really nice, good metaphor to run with (pun ALWAYS intended!), the idea of the follow up line with “Dad hung the stars in the night sky,” was dope on first read - I did feel it was slightly elongated syllable count wise making the line feel too long at first, but then when I got to the closing line (no spoilers for those that haven’t read the verse yet) it almost takes on a dual meaning and I fucked with it even more so. Kudos, sir!

Okay, so this battle is almost a clash of executions - rather than styles - for me at least. I know you never usually hear that said, but that’s as best as I can describe it as both of you are similar in terms of your storytelling abilities and technical prowess, even rhyme scheme wise there were spots where you went identical to each other which is pretty crazy to me. For every line where Universe injects a more comedic and lighthearted tone to balance out his darker twisted themes, Adverse counters in terms of emotional draw and a rich tapestry of visual imagery he brings to lift the characters from the page and place them firmly in the mind of the reader, before pulling the rug from under us at the end. The twist wasn’t one I saw coming, but then neither was Uni’s so again that almost balances things out for me personally. Honestly the two of you put on here, there’s no real loser, but since we need to select one of you the deciding factor, overall, for me here comes down to the creativity and originality - and for that I’m going with Universe as I felt he excelled in that area and it made the verse the more entertaining read to me. This will be battle of the round if not tourney, I’m sure of it.

[Johnny 6 feet]

Universe- Excellent. To tell a story this length and hold my attention for all of it was an accomplishment and a half. I loved the twists and turns of the tale; how it began as a set up for a horror story then transitioned to a man dealing with his internal struggle. It raised a question as to how his wife died which was intriguing. The way the topic was woven into the narrative was impressive; the source of his unhappiness being turned into the opposite mirrored his gender dysphoria, and the examination of his son at the end was a nice touch that rounded off the piece nicely. The imagery was intense, the vocab well chosen and the rhyme scheme was solid. Great work.

Adverse- A walk through the hell that is grief. I see you both took a lost family member into the topic this week. The punchline of the subject being an aborted child threw everything that came before it into a new light that bore new scrutiny. Painting the never was a phantom that haunts the parent and them picturing a thousand tiny details in a personal fantasy was an interesting take on a brave subject to tackle. The technical aspects of the piece were strong; choice of vocab and rhyme scheme stood out although a few lines felt overstretched here and there. This was mourning. Poetry. And did not disappoint.

Vote- Universe, an excellent battle but I felt he took this with a more engaging take.

[dead man]

i almost don't want to do this cause this is so much content and its late, but fuck it

UNIVERSE

i read this all the way through once. and i've come away with this. you've got an extremely imaginative mind as far as your story writing is concerned. never a time you have written anything conceptually simple. or anything aphoristic. its always a new adventure. you've got adventures in your head. its fantastic really.

that being said, your rhyme-form dialogue is really poorly done here. i don't believe any of your characters in their status or form. you don't really occupy a woman or a child. it barely serves to occupy the father. it almost reads like an alien version of what they imagine a human's inner dialogue sounds like.

examples are like

"you couldn't locate a frown on this face"

c'mon. that's terrible. you know that.

"something i hated to surmise"

"He of course fumed, "Hey!"

these were all pretty bad. there were others. i reckon one of the toughest challenges as a writer of fiction is authentic inner dialogue. this basically cemented that theory. which is ok. but someone has to tell you, this is poor form. even if you have to make it rhyme.

i wouldn't go through the trouble of pointing this out if i didn't think you were a tremendous talent and worth spending the time to expand on this.

anyway. the story was very cool. loved how you flipped the topic here. i went from confused to surprised and entertained. what else can you ask for. solid [B].



ADVERSE -

this is pretty heavy dude. i'll be honest, i read it twice. closely. and the 2nd time i liked it a LOT more knowing what you had going for you. seems that was your intention and it was effective in that matter.

my issue here mostly lies in the fact that you spent 60ish lines basically lamenting the same thing over and over. as a person beginning to have fatherly instincts, but without child, i feel this topic hard. i'm sure that's difficult. how many morning after pills have i handed out that could have been someone? but anyhow - this felt like a genuine work. whether it was or not, thats hugely positive. you stretch lines with unnecessary verbiage to the point i really want to stop reading and skip over a lot of content. especially in a verse like this where the entire thing is dedicated to a single focal idea that you more or less restate in different language for the entire length of the work. i guess my critique here is that you should have submitted something drastically shorter to contend with universe's long-form storyline. you did not have the content available here to justify how fucking long you made this.

just because your line limit is long, does not require you to stretch your work out to accommodate. Universe's style suits this form - yours does not. i think you made a strategic error here agreeing to that stipulation. this was heartfelt and sad, and beautiful in some spots. but largely felt bloated and poorly defined. [C+]

voting UNIVERSE.