|
10-04-2013, 02:47 PM
|
#1 |
|
Super Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 7,407
Battle Record: 70-25
Accomplishments - Hall of Fame
Champed - Battle Arena
- BA Picture
- Picture Battle Tournament
- Netcees Battle League (3x)
- Netcees Writers League (2x)
- Summer Classic VI
- Fall Brawl III
- Netcees Battle League Season X
- Lyric Olympics
Rep Power: 77164516   |
The Light
I know the light exists
But before I exit… I might just want to ignite a kiss The storm is perfect Is it the same wife I miss? They say we change But to forgive develops character A call may seem strange I embarrassed her my flaws caused pain She circled the calendar I crossed the line Cannot hurdle parameters… The result was time I wasted much of it The fault was mine So I faced the consequence Regret now assaults the mind So I disgraced the prominence Any thought that shined… Of what was the foundation Happiness & it’s synonyms now can consult frustration… while I’m riddled in lost perception What is real? I sought her mentions What I feel Please kiss me good bye Where are you? Forgive me don’t cry Share our views… From when you said I do I need you to comprehend the truth Let me defend why too Just tell me where are you? I see the light but I need to see you first I can’t see you right Conceived through blurs There’s no belief through words It’s too late for actions past obsessions poured your blood The craze & passion… Absorbed your love I embraced attraction Before you left me Though at fault Death is empty I need you baby The light escapes Seems too crazy The night awaits let me see you before I vanish please I need you the force of panic weak & see through remorse & anguish Too late for apologies I’m not concerned for my soul The reaper’s hate shows no modesty leading the path where murderers go & yet I’m scared The last thoughts hurts us the most Life removed from the electric chair
__________________
Grumpy old man. Last edited by ill nik-A; 10-04-2013 at 02:53 PM. |
|
|
|
10-04-2013, 06:19 PM
|
#2 |
|
The Clown Prince
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,027
Battle Record: 35-45
Champed - Art of Writing League
Rep Power: 59349678 |
This was cool, had a different vibe due to the short line use
not poetic, just...more..expressional...if that's even a word regardless I was digging the vibe, emotional for the most part don't know why you would tag it how you did...dope though I need you to comprehend the truth Let me defend why too Just tell me where are you? I see the light but I need to see you first I can’t see you right Conceived through blurs There’s no belief through words It’s too late for actions past obsessions poured your blood The craze & passion… Absorbed your love ^^^dope
__________________
.....laugh....and the world laughs with you |
|
|
|
|
10-05-2013, 10:53 AM
|
#3 |
|
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 1,709
Battle Record: 9-12
Rep Power: 4997613 |
Just tell me where are you?
I see the light but I need to see you first I can’t see you right Conceived through blurs There’s no belief through words It’s too late for actions past obsessions poured your blood The craze & passion… Absorbed your love I embraced attraction ^^that was dope. didn't really like the format but that just my opinion. anyways nice to see you drop in the OM. peace
__________________
 |
|
|
|
|
10-05-2013, 03:22 PM
|
#4 |
|
Mad fucking dangerous.
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 12,072
Battle Record: 40-19
Champed - AOWL Season 3
- Art of Writing League (2x)
Rep Power: 85899402 |
I like that you explore a wide variety of writing styles and topics. Most writers tend to find one thing that works and stick with it. I wasn't crazy about this one, though. This was very generic, without any specificity to contextualize the relationship or provide emotional stakes for the reader. The desperation of the writing was there, so I don't want to say it was distant. But the ambiguity of everything made me feel removed because I didn't know what had happened. Some would say that's a sign of universality. I just don't like universal writing, at least not on a subject this personal (even if it's not personal to you). You also seemed a bit too regimented at times within your rhyme scheme. You added a few syllables to balance it out here and there, and those often were the best lines. I really liked "She circled the calendar/ I crossed the line" and "let me see you before I vanish."
__________________
I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws. |
|
|
|
|
10-07-2013, 08:32 AM
|
#5 |
|
Tsk Tsk
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Beer Goggles
Posts: 4,834
Battle Record: 36-34
Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association
- NFL Pick'em 2016-17
Rep Power: 9946446 |
Topic is a bit ... sensitive? For me I guess. But the flow due to shortened lines was differennt, and I would think rhyming would be more difficult considering the bars are condensced but you did your thing. Overall a solid verse with a very smooth readsprinkled with quit a bit of emotion. Nice drop
__________________
I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR |
|
|
|
|
10-07-2013, 03:58 PM
|
#6 |
|
SOBER
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 13,052
Battle Record: 2-5
Champed - AOWL Season 2
Rep Power: 85899406 |
Drop some feed.
This was laughably bad btw |
|
|
|
|
10-07-2013, 04:04 PM
|
#7 |
|
Super Senior Member
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 7,407
Battle Record: 70-25
Accomplishments - Hall of Fame
Champed - Battle Arena
- BA Picture
- Picture Battle Tournament
- Netcees Battle League (3x)
- Netcees Writers League (2x)
- Summer Classic VI
- Fall Brawl III
- Netcees Battle League Season X
- Lyric Olympics
Rep Power: 77164516 |
I already fed u can close it
I'm hof status Better than stuff too
__________________
Grumpy old man. |
|
|
|
|
10-08-2013, 03:05 PM
|
#8 |
|
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 32
Rep Power: 0  |
I read this like a drake verse.
def passion in this piece. my favorite lines were I see the light but I need to see you first I can’t see you right Conceived through blurs There’s no belief through words It’s too late for actions past obsessions poured your blood The craze & passion… Absorbed your love I embraced attraction good shit son. |
|
|
|
|
10-08-2013, 09:43 PM
|
#9 |
|
rhyme capsule.
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 2,146
Rep Power: 0   |
every line o mine was like a rhyme,
i wouldn't lie i swear, sparkling the whole time as i whispered in her ear > |
|
|
|
 |
| Tags |
| faggot man poem itt |
|
|
Linear Mode
