Out of My Comfort Zone

Wutzit Tewya · 05-20-2018, 05:09 PM

A man down on his luck. No house, no wife or children.
He sleeps in abandoned buildin's. Abandoned is how he's feelin.
Severely malnourished. Hunger pain is like a knife in his ribs.
Beggin' for change, feelin' embarrassed, see this is the life he lives....

The most kind hearted man you'd ever meet, but never met him.
A Vietnam vet. So quick his country forgets him.
Pants shredded at the knees, he holds a cup in his hands..
Nobody gives a second look, so he looks for his lunch in cans.

He laid his life on the line, for people like you and I.
Now all he's thinking is "Who am I?"
Considering suicide.

"So hungry."

He's fed up. Nobody shows an interest in his story,
Assumptions of booze and drugs, "He prolly just wants a forty."

People yelling "Get a job!" PTSD hasn't allowed it.
Ya see he's chemically imbalanced. Also, physically challenged.
He stands upon a splintered wooden leg, feeling ashamed.
In his years of being homeless, not a soul's asked for his name.
Understanding that it isn't getting better, he decides
that if this is how it is... no reason to be alive.
Although he hasn't touched a drink, he limps into the liquor store.
Slides a bottle in his bomber, then hobbles back out the door.

Unable to fight the tears, he's sipping between the whimpers.
Admitting that he is shit. Forgetting he was the victor.
But the war's been over. Decades. Now he fights a different battle.
Trapped outside, mocked by those who live inside the castle.

Even though he nearly lost his life in their defense.

He hates himself, and in that, the courage to die arises.
For the first time in a while, desire's behind his eyelids.
"The bridge isn't too far, and it's plenty of a drop."
Determined to do it. "Screw it." To give up is all he's got.

"The bridge."

He's reached his calling. A submissive feeling of joy.
Looking forward to the final mission in which he will be deployed.

I mean destroyed.

He works his way uphill upon his quest to meet his fate,
when he sees a little boy ahead. Too far to see his face.
"This boy is far too young to be out on this bridge alone."
Immediately sober, a chill ran deep in his bones.

He sees this boy is standing in the spot he planned to jump.
Asking God to "Give me strength, just need enough for me to run."

And he did.

He hasn't ran a step in years, and he was certain that he couldn't.
Wasn't perfect form, but good. That is, until he lost his footin'.
He lost his lumber leg and hit the ground, but "Keep it movin'"..
Army crawling, bloody, bruised and crying, loudly screaming to him...

"Wait! Don't do it!! WAIIIIIT!!!"

The pain upon his face was not caused by his own incisions.
It's was purely that the boy was 'bout to make the same decision.

But suddenly, the boys head turned.

He must've heard and seen him. He jumped back across the railing.
Started sprinting towards the one legged man who's arms were flailing.
He knelt beside the man, and he held his head in his arms.
For a second, everything the boy was running from was gone.
"Are you ok?" The young man asked, with the most genuine concern.
Lying, the man said "No. My face is bleeding. It burns.
Can you help me?"

Without a question, in a second his sleeve over his hand,
as he gently wiped the blood from his face. "I'll help you the best I can."

"You can start by telling me what you are doing on this bridge."
"Well, I WAS about to leap from it, just like my daddy did.
Mom says she wishes it was me. It's cause of me my daddy jumped."

Thump. Thump. Thump.
The man swallowed a giant lump.

"I get bullied everyday when I'm at school, and no one likes me.
Momma beats me when she's drunk. Even gave me this black eye. See?"

In that moment..there was a twinge, and weight on the man's chest.
he'd never guess..
that in such a brief encounter he'd feel like his own flesh.

"Never feel the need to die my boy. Sombody out there needs you."
"But who?" the boy responded. "Me. It's very nice to meet you."

"You saved me kid."

"No, see it was you who stopped ME, sir!"
But the man just stared into his eyes. Completely undeterred.

"One day you'll hear my story, son, but now is not the time.
Go tell your mom you love her. Hug her. Try not to get out of line.
And you meet me here on any day you want, and I'll be waiting.
I have lost a lot of brothers. Don't want you, too, to be taken.
We're friends now, and friends will help each other when they're hurt."

The man used his finger to draw a cross in the dirt.

"I was going to jump too, son. I haven't a dad or mother.
I haven't anything.....but you now. God planned us to meet each other.
A soldiers promise to you that I always got your back.
Just like you helped me out today, I'd like to thank you for that.
Life is a constant war, it comes in many variations.
Stay patient, my son. You'll see, it can exceed all your expectations"

A soldier, no longer lonely.
A boy who is heading home.
A bond that will not be broken.
A story of mended woes

Current faggot · 05-20-2018, 05:13 PM

Fuck you Nigga.

This was dope though...I liked it

Geno · 05-21-2018, 02:12 AM

Yo. So this was really long and i will give a more propper read later when i have time. For now. From my quick skimming.. I see your ayllable count needa a bit work to make smoother transitions and connections from line to line. The depth is there though. Wording just needs a bit of work imo. I mean to each his own and you dont "have" to listen to me. Im just nitpicky about smooth reads cause i try to write smooth. Otherwise i think this looks solid. As i said ill read better when im off. Ups

2tripple0 · 05-22-2018, 01:31 PM

Right i liked ypur ability to tell a story somewhat.... it was a bit of the kind of played out alcoholic shit though for me the only advice i can give is to explore different ideas than just the same old im an alcoholic and im going to kill myself because my life is ruined instead right try taking your character and explore his skills and abilities.... the fact the guy can still change his clothes everyday can still tie his shoes and the fact he has to eat 3 meals a day and shit like that just everyday shit where this man is struggling cause hes an alcoholic and all of a sudden realizes fuck the only way hes going to make it is if he kind of takes care of his shit like taking a shower everyday changing his clothes getting a good nights sleep taking out the trash washing the dishes shit like this.... i think you need to take better care of your characters i mean you just kind of said yes he didnt kill himself but you kind of left him like yeah youll get better one day but how how is this guy gonna get better if he doesnt understand how to live and all he cares about is alcohol.... i mean alcohol is nice sometimes but you really gotta learn your characters and your readers.... the writing anyways was halfway decent... it couldve been better just really think about taking your victories where you can as the author right and then putting them into the story.... what do you actually have or know about that helps you in real life and put it into your stories.... your not that bad but i enjoyed your last verse that i read a bit better.... this wasnt bad but it was a bit too cliche and there wasnt any real resolution your character is basically still fucked.... you need to really learn him somehow if you want to write about a homeless alcoholic.... there has to be a way to get across to this guy that fuck theres more to life than alcohol which is what you were trying to achieve.... i dont know if i was writing ghis story i would have been like yes theres more to life than alvohol but look what it is its tjings like brushing your teeth every night watching a movie or telebision er someyhing like that which in s way kind of sucks cause its really mundane and boring therefore this guy turns to alcojol because it puts a nit of pleasure back into his life.... but somehow idk because society looks down on drunks er sumn his life just becomes gucked cause he cant get a job cant have a girl has mo friends all he has is his alcohol.... that would have been a better story.... good for you for dropping anyways....

Twodrop · 05-22-2018, 02:08 PM

This was dope, had me very intrigued.

I enjoyed 2trips critique of the piece as well, he's very invested in the characters u created here, lol.

Anyways, thought it flowed fine, but the content was strong enough I didn't notice the wording issues Geno might have been talking about.

Good shit, props.

Exis · 05-23-2018, 07:41 AM

You opened nice, sorry can't quote as I'm a bullshit ass phone...the middle section was solid with it...thought your word usage was straight for the most part, sure there's a few things to iron out but it's cool imo, enjoyed it.

Stay upwards bro.

Mediocrity · 05-23-2018, 12:40 PM

Good storytelling my guy I enjoyed reading this thank you, I agree with Geno bout the wording to make the piece feel smoother but other than that I fw it

05-20-2018, 05:09 PM	#1
Wutzit Tewya Junior Member Join Date: May 2018 Posts: 12 Rep Power: 0	Out of My Comfort Zone A man down on his luck. No house, no wife or children. He sleeps in abandoned buildin's. Abandoned is how he's feelin. Severely malnourished. Hunger pain is like a knife in his ribs. Beggin' for change, feelin' embarrassed, see this is the life he lives.... The most kind hearted man you'd ever meet, but never met him. A Vietnam vet. So quick his country forgets him. Pants shredded at the knees, he holds a cup in his hands.. Nobody gives a second look, so he looks for his lunch in cans. He laid his life on the line, for people like you and I. Now all he's thinking is "Who am I?" Considering suicide. "So hungry." He's fed up. Nobody shows an interest in his story, Assumptions of booze and drugs, "He prolly just wants a forty." People yelling "Get a job!" PTSD hasn't allowed it. Ya see he's chemically imbalanced. Also, physically challenged. He stands upon a splintered wooden leg, feeling ashamed. In his years of being homeless, not a soul's asked for his name. Understanding that it isn't getting better, he decides that if this is how it is... no reason to be alive. Although he hasn't touched a drink, he limps into the liquor store. Slides a bottle in his bomber, then hobbles back out the door. Unable to fight the tears, he's sipping between the whimpers. Admitting that he is shit. Forgetting he was the victor. But the war's been over. Decades. Now he fights a different battle. Trapped outside, mocked by those who live inside the castle. Even though he nearly lost his life in their defense. He hates himself, and in that, the courage to die arises. For the first time in a while, desire's behind his eyelids. "The bridge isn't too far, and it's plenty of a drop." Determined to do it. "Screw it." To give up is all he's got. "The bridge." He's reached his calling. A submissive feeling of joy. Looking forward to the final mission in which he will be deployed. I mean destroyed. He works his way uphill upon his quest to meet his fate, when he sees a little boy ahead. Too far to see his face. "This boy is far too young to be out on this bridge alone." Immediately sober, a chill ran deep in his bones. He sees this boy is standing in the spot he planned to jump. Asking God to "Give me strength, just need enough for me to run." And he did. He hasn't ran a step in years, and he was certain that he couldn't. Wasn't perfect form, but good. That is, until he lost his footin'. He lost his lumber leg and hit the ground, but "Keep it movin'".. Army crawling, bloody, bruised and crying, loudly screaming to him... "Wait! Don't do it!! WAIIIIIT!!!" The pain upon his face was not caused by his own incisions. It's was purely that the boy was 'bout to make the same decision. But suddenly, the boys head turned. He must've heard and seen him. He jumped back across the railing. Started sprinting towards the one legged man who's arms were flailing. He knelt beside the man, and he held his head in his arms. For a second, everything the boy was running from was gone. "Are you ok?" The young man asked, with the most genuine concern. Lying, the man said "No. My face is bleeding. It burns. Can you help me?" Without a question, in a second his sleeve over his hand, as he gently wiped the blood from his face. "I'll help you the best I can." "You can start by telling me what you are doing on this bridge." "Well, I WAS about to leap from it, just like my daddy did. Mom says she wishes it was me. It's cause of me my daddy jumped." Thump. Thump. Thump. The man swallowed a giant lump. "I get bullied everyday when I'm at school, and no one likes me. Momma beats me when she's drunk. Even gave me this black eye. See?" In that moment..there was a twinge, and weight on the man's chest. he'd never guess.. that in such a brief encounter he'd feel like his own flesh. "Never feel the need to die my boy. Sombody out there needs you." "But who?" the boy responded. "Me. It's very nice to meet you." "You saved me kid." "No, see it was you who stopped ME, sir!" But the man just stared into his eyes. Completely undeterred. "One day you'll hear my story, son, but now is not the time. Go tell your mom you love her. Hug her. Try not to get out of line. And you meet me here on any day you want, and I'll be waiting. I have lost a lot of brothers. Don't want you, too, to be taken. We're friends now, and friends will help each other when they're hurt." The man used his finger to draw a cross in the dirt. "I was going to jump too, son. I haven't a dad or mother. I haven't anything.....but you now. God planned us to meet each other. A soldiers promise to you that I always got your back. Just like you helped me out today, I'd like to thank you for that. Life is a constant war, it comes in many variations. Stay patient, my son. You'll see, it can exceed all your expectations" A soldier, no longer lonely. A boy who is heading home. A bond that will not be broken. A story of mended woes

05-21-2018, 02:12 AM	#3
Geno White Earl Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Philly Cat. Posts: 12,328 Battle Record: 10-15 Accomplishments - Open Mic HOF (4x) Champed - Netcees Writers League - Write Week I - Write Week 8 Rep Power: 50036758	Yo. So this was really long and i will give a more propper read later when i have time. For now. From my quick skimming.. I see your ayllable count needa a bit work to make smoother transitions and connections from line to line. The depth is there though. Wording just needs a bit of work imo. I mean to each his own and you dont "have" to listen to me. Im just nitpicky about smooth reads cause i try to write smooth. Otherwise i think this looks solid. As i said ill read better when im off. Ups __________________ *-A.bove T.he R.est*

05-22-2018, 01:31 PM	#4
2tripple0 death warmed over Join Date: Jan 2013 Location: Downstairs illstreet dam Posts: 2,564 Battle Record: 6-21 Rep Power: 0	Right i liked ypur ability to tell a story somewhat.... it was a bit of the kind of played out alcoholic shit though for me the only advice i can give is to explore different ideas than just the same old im an alcoholic and im going to kill myself because my life is ruined instead right try taking your character and explore his skills and abilities.... the fact the guy can still change his clothes everyday can still tie his shoes and the fact he has to eat 3 meals a day and shit like that just everyday shit where this man is struggling cause hes an alcoholic and all of a sudden realizes fuck the only way hes going to make it is if he kind of takes care of his shit like taking a shower everyday changing his clothes getting a good nights sleep taking out the trash washing the dishes shit like this.... i think you need to take better care of your characters i mean you just kind of said yes he didnt kill himself but you kind of left him like yeah youll get better one day but how how is this guy gonna get better if he doesnt understand how to live and all he cares about is alcohol.... i mean alcohol is nice sometimes but you really gotta learn your characters and your readers.... the writing anyways was halfway decent... it couldve been better just really think about taking your victories where you can as the author right and then putting them into the story.... what do you actually have or know about that helps you in real life and put it into your stories.... your not that bad but i enjoyed your last verse that i read a bit better.... this wasnt bad but it was a bit too cliche and there wasnt any real resolution your character is basically still fucked.... you need to really learn him somehow if you want to write about a homeless alcoholic.... there has to be a way to get across to this guy that fuck theres more to life than alcohol which is what you were trying to achieve.... i dont know if i was writing ghis story i would have been like yes theres more to life than alvohol but look what it is its tjings like brushing your teeth every night watching a movie or telebision er someyhing like that which in s way kind of sucks cause its really mundane and boring therefore this guy turns to alcojol because it puts a nit of pleasure back into his life.... but somehow idk because society looks down on drunks er sumn his life just becomes gucked cause he cant get a job cant have a girl has mo friends all he has is his alcohol.... that would have been a better story.... good for you for dropping anyways.... __________________ https://soundcloud.com/user-876573949/ https://soundcloud.com/user-634430314/

05-23-2018, 12:40 PM	#7
Mediocrity Brother Join Date: Apr 2018 Posts: 518 Rep Power: 4919692	Good storytelling my guy I enjoyed reading this thank you, I agree with Geno bout the wording to make the piece feel smoother but other than that I fw it __________________ I’m the true King Author, crowned or not what I release is X caliber, it’s bound to rock

05-20-2018, 05:13 PM	#2
Current faggot Senior Member Join Date: May 2018 Posts: 233 Rep Power: 0	Fuck you Nigga. This was dope though...I liked it

05-22-2018, 02:08 PM	#5
Twodrop Unknown Join Date: Mar 2018 Posts: 673 Battle Record: 2-2 Rep Power: 0	This was dope, had me very intrigued. I enjoyed 2trips critique of the piece as well, he's very invested in the characters u created here, lol. Anyways, thought it flowed fine, but the content was strong enough I didn't notice the wording issues Geno might have been talking about. Good shit, props.

05-23-2018, 07:41 AM	#6
Exis ............ Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 3,938 Battle Record: 3-3 Rep Power: 0	You opened nice, sorry can't quote as I'm a bullshit ass phone...the middle section was solid with it...thought your word usage was straight for the most part, sure there's a few things to iron out but it's cool imo, enjoyed it. Stay upwards bro.