Broken minded

[fathead]

My brain contains all the worlds pain, this is called a paradox..
My veins contain all worlds evils, dare you cut open pandoras box?

This One Here Is My Favorite It Has Perfect Flow And The Pandora Box Metaphor Was Cool And Fit The Tone.

Bathe in innocence and childrens ligaments, then wash myself in soap.
My wickedness is magnificent, you'll struggle to swallow it n you'll choke!

This One Actually ComeS In A Close Second BecauseIithas Perfect WordinG And Great Flow. Also This IsA Pretty Original Idea Which Definatley Gets Shock Value.


So kid, if you wanna hang with me, make sure you read what I wrote,
Use you head, cus to hang with me, is to hang yourself with rope!

This Is An Example Of One I Dont Like, Its Not Bad But It Seems The Flow Doesnt Live Up Too ThE Rest Of The Piece. It Also Seems Toned Down By far Compared Too The Rest.

But Ive Actually Never Really Been On A Site Like This So It Musta Been Another Fathead. I Just Picked It Cuz Its What People Ive Known Called Me My Whole Life.

[Flow]

This image was exactly what I had in mind when writing this

[Eŋg]

Watch it Kid i have a rabid habbit to blast my gasket,
wear a mask of shards of glass, to cover my scarred past bitch,

lol, gasket? the second line is a semi-decent contradiction with acceptable imagery.

Carry a basket of broken hearts an dolls, with heads twisted,
quick to display dark arts stick around, i throw quite a picnic.

kind of gay, tbh. i'm not sure what dark arts have to do with a picnic, except that it rhymes with twisted. and you mentioned a basket, maybe?

I dress in bloody vests with barbed wire tied tight around my chest,
use flagellation to best frustrations, though i was never truely blessed.

you'd do well to invest in an iron maiden, instead. the word flagellation did not seem to fit very well.

I never joke but been known to jest, i laugh an cry with fury,
tears of blood make my eyes blurry an stained my skin, like slurry.

nurseryrhyme-esque. really really bad simile finished this bar.

My reflection is my best friend - told me i might be sectioned,
But i dont take notice, because hes just my minds invention.

that was actually tight. didn't come off forced, was coherent, and i could relate, a little.

Never sleep im always awake, but thats not how i was made,
took a day to cut out my eyelids, with sharpened razor blades.

uhm, ok.

I scream with more intensity then a thousand legions burning,
its not a dream, its more my plea, to heal the pain n hurting.

pretty generic.

Envision living in vicious prisons, cats hangin of the wall,
pussys slashed, i dont mean pussy gash, there gats lyin on the floor.

not certain what you mean here.

My brain contains all the worlds pain, this is called a paradox..
My veins contain all worlds evils, dare you cut open pandoras box?

i'm uncertain that IS called a paradox. the mythological reference was appreciated, but not used well.

Tried to sell my soul to the devil, was told its too cold to use,
so cut his throat an for good measure, i cut the boatmans too.

Charon, the ferryman. this was a little bit better.

Bathe in innocence and childrens ligaments, then wash myself in soap.
My wickedness is magnificent, you'll struggle to swallow it n you'll choke!

doesn't make a whole lot of sense. rhymes though.

So kid, if you wanna hang with me, make sure you read what I wrote,
Use you head, cus to hang with me, is to hang yourself with rope!

ok. i get it. i think.

i'm not sure what to make of this piece. it had a pseudo-horrorcore vibe but a lot of it just seemed random... uninspired lines about something sort of gruesome that happened to rhyme. honestly reading the feed in this thread confuses the fuck out of me.

i didn't hate your piece, just felt it lacked cohesion, was pretty generic, and proved super predictable/contrived with your rhyme scheme set-up. expand.

I will return all forms of feed.

hmb.

[Flow]

@oXus I'm pretty tight with critique in fact your the first I'm
Pissed at - these comments I assume
Are backed with awesomeness from you so links please
To your drops

[EtH]

There isn't a whole lot to say because it was just a "Crazy" topic. But I thought you did quite a good job with the rhyming and got your tone across to the reader. We were instantly dragged into the psychotic mind of the protagonist and got a strong image of what he was like.

I feel that you could definitely be a little bit more original, or if you're going to write something like this, at least have a storyline or plot to it, because that way a reader can get dragged in and feel like there is a "point" to the piece.

Nice work man. Keep writing.

[Elemental P]

This was actually a solid piece. Nice flow and horrorcore imagery. Couple bumpy spots in the rhyme scheme and some typos that I had to read over but regardless this was a solid written, did remind me a bit of my style.

[Eŋg]

Originally Posted by Jay Welsh

@oXus I'm pretty tight with critique in fact your the first I'm
Pissed at - these comments I assume
Are backed with awesomeness from you so links please
To your drops

my feed was outstanding. fuck you.

[Eŋg]

just wanted to say again that you're a faggot.

[sral]

Originally Posted by Eŋg

just wanted to say again that you're a faggot.

lmao @Flow

[Flow]

Originally Posted by sraL

lmao @Flow

Yeah - i did lol that after a few years he came back with shade but no links. Had long enough

[Eŋg]

someone bumped your piece after five years. i hadn't seen you tag me while blowing your gasket way back when. perhaps i should make myself clear, unlike slurry:

the calibre of my writing doesn't affect how much this shit sucked.

[PancakeBrah]

Good era of Open Mic beef nowadays

[big baby]

fucking real weird that never seen flownpost and he gets summoned randomly out of thin air from 5 year old om
piece

[Flow]

Originally Posted by big baby

fucking real weird that never seen flownpost and he gets summoned randomly out of thin air from 5 year old om
piece

Agreed

[big baby]

shut fucka mouf idiyote