Netcees  

Go Back   Netcees > Forum > Open Mic Section
Register FAQ Community Calendar Today's Posts Search

User Tag List

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 09-13-2013, 04:07 AM   #1
oats
Steel Cut
 
oats's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 5,075
Battle Record: 19-10

Accomplishments
- OM HOF (2x)

Champed
- Fight Night LXXXIV
- Art of Writing League

Rep Power: 79005425
oats has a brilliant futureoats has a brilliant futureoats has a brilliant futureoats has a brilliant futureoats has a brilliant futureoats has a brilliant futureoats has a brilliant futureoats has a brilliant futureoats has a brilliant futureoats has a brilliant futureoats has a brilliant future
Default A Swede, Samoan and Russian Walk Into a Bar

there's a place silently sitting at the edge of Inferno
where the only straight line is through the bend of a wormhole
discrepancies manifest from what you thought was internal
exposing sins you keep hidden like the pop of a kernel
enter: 3 strangers from improbable corners
men of a hardened disposition, each honest as mortar
they harbor no apologies for the pawns of their scorn, but
in a place that takes no prisoners they gotta bond for its quarter

as they fall into order, they see the symmetry of vultures
streaks of Mars flit the sky releasing odors of sulfur
frozen as sculptures, confused they each hold to their culture
in hopes to ward off ghosts from this soulless sepulcher
the scavengers scatter suddenly in a smoldering rush
revealing a building underneath 'em, doors opening up and
soaking in rust, these 3 men - a Swede, Samoan and Russian
all walk into the bar...during Dystopian Dusk

inside reeked of erosional musk, seats cold to the touch
the men weren't saying much, still withholding their trust
in the corner of their corneas they notice a crutch
-the bartender enters looking older than dust
a gross limping mut, folded and hunched
his shoulders were slumped, stuck like the fucker bore the load of a truck
this shivering, sniveling, grotesque little runt
brittle, pale, skinny, frail...like he never ate a vegetable once
when he spoke he soaked them in cusses, releasing spit in a maelstrom
each tooth looking like Zeus had pissed on a hailstone
he stepped to the counter with a presumptuous snicker
polished 3 mugs and a pitcher and mumbled "wuhcanna gitcha?"

such a puzzling picture, but still awfully clear
stunned silence - he gets them vodka, vodka and beer
coughing, he smears saliva in the shots that he poured
and the lager of course...
mucus dripping out his nostrils as he snarls and jeers,
"none a ya belong here but I'm not whatchu fear,
it's hard to, believe me with my awkward appearance
I see yer scoffs n' yer leers, but the hard truth
is that whatcher most afraid of sits on top of these barstools."

the bartender backs away, the results will be epic
the Russian slams his shot, frustrated: "I don't get it."
they sat through another vacuum, the tension electric
until the Swede turned to his right and finally said it,
"that's because this isn't Tetris, I hope you're just acting dull
if not then fuck you and your curly-coned capitol."
the Russian yells at the Swede, drunk stumblin, "he's a bitch!"
and doles a thunderous pummeling till he's the color of Swedish Fish
"How's that concoction, Swedish Chef? Now who's talkin?!
Who wants next? Is it you, Dwayne 'The Blob' Johnson?"

the huge-skulled Sole chugs his mug until he reaches its churlish end
"better watch your tooth hole, uso, or you'll never say a word again...
...or be able to chew your food whole."
the vultures start circling, cheering in elegies
the two pugilists clench their fists - fearlessly, readily
but remember, never make Samoans your enemies,
especially one that comes from a drunken pedigree.
or one that lacks the integrity not to package you medically
you might handle him mentally...
but that's irrelevant when he settles to slam your back to a melody
and that's exactly what happened, he smashed his ass through the carpet
but the vultures got the last laugh when they devoured the carcass
no debate, the truth of who was stronger is known
but it was a useless ruse - now he must wander alone

go ahead, ponder a moment, and ponder it well
were they sauntering purgatory, or a model of hell?
...or Earth?
your worth isn't measured by how your arteries swell;
you won't defeat the sound of silence just by starting to yell
these cancerous cells told 'em they couldn't handle each other
but the truth lies (beneath vanity's rubble)
cuz the actual trouble was that they couldn't handle themselves
__________________
You should be water
oats is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 09-14-2013, 04:07 PM   #2
Geno
White Earl
 
Geno's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Philly Cat.
Posts: 12,328
Battle Record: 10-15

Accomplishments
- Open Mic HOF (4x)

Champed
- Netcees Writers League
- Write Week I
- Write Week 8

Rep Power: 50036758
Geno has a brilliant futureGeno has a brilliant futureGeno has a brilliant futureGeno has a brilliant futureGeno has a brilliant futureGeno has a brilliant futureGeno has a brilliant futureGeno has a brilliant futureGeno has a brilliant futureGeno has a brilliant futureGeno has a brilliant future
Send a message via AIM to Geno
Default

This fucking piece is retarded dope. People need to stop hiding from length when it holds this kind of quality

Loved this section. It was crazy!
a gross limping mut,folded and hunched his shoulders were slumped, stuck like the fucker bore the load of a truck this shivering,sniveling,grotesquelittlerunt brittle, pale, skinny, frail...like he never ate a vegetable once when he spoke he soaked them in cusses, releasing spit in a maelstrom each tooth looking like Zeus had pissed on a hailstone he stepped to the counter with a presumptuous snicker polished 3 mugsand a pitcher and mumbled"wuhcanna gitcha?"


Up. Sick drop oats
__________________
-A.bove T.he R.est
Geno is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-14-2013, 05:04 PM   #3
StarFaggot
Leave you flatlined.
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 5,110
Battle Record: 12-9


Champed
- Site Diss 2013
- Tag Team Tournament III

Rep Power: 0
StarFaggot StarFaggot StarFaggot StarFaggot StarFaggot StarFaggot StarFaggot StarFaggot StarFaggot StarFaggot StarFaggot
Default

as they fall into order, they see the symmetry of vultures
streaks of Mars flit the sky releasing odors of sulfur
frozen as sculptures, confused they each hold to their culture
in hopes to ward off ghosts from this soulless sepulcher
the scavengers scatter suddenly in a smoldering rush
revealing a building underneath 'em, doors opening up and
soaking in rust, these 3 men - a Swede, Samoan and Russian
all walk into the bar...during Dystopian Dusk

Fire intro.. love the alliteration in scavengers line


brittle, pale, skinny, frail...like he never ate a vegetable once
lol



such a puzzling picture, but still awfully clear
stunned silence - he gets them vodka, vodka and beer

This was a different piece. I don't know where you all get these ideas from but I love the creativity. I had to read this twice to fully get the concept.. Nice read. The rhyming was good, nothing really forced as far as rhyme wise.. I still don't understand it all or whats the epiphany but I'm sure if I really read into it I would get it..
StarFaggot is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-17-2013, 01:10 AM   #4
NYCSPITZ
SYRACUSE
 
NYCSPITZ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4,033
Battle Record: 31-37


Champed
- Write Night II
- Alias Topical Tournament

Rep Power: 4743544
NYCSPITZ has a brilliant futureNYCSPITZ has a brilliant futureNYCSPITZ has a brilliant futureNYCSPITZ has a brilliant futureNYCSPITZ has a brilliant futureNYCSPITZ has a brilliant futureNYCSPITZ has a brilliant futureNYCSPITZ has a brilliant futureNYCSPITZ has a brilliant futureNYCSPITZ has a brilliant futureNYCSPITZ has a brilliant future
Default

I been reading zen koans lately so I got the message real quick like...praise be to the FUCKING BUDDHA

Strong as usual 8.8/10
NYCSPITZ is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-17-2013, 02:36 AM   #5
Angkor
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 148
Battle Record: 1-3



Rep Power: 35
Angkor is on a distinguished road
Default

I actually thought this was about Pent, 3pa and Paytience lol. Cool shit man. Lots of original rhymes.
Angkor is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 09-17-2013, 04:35 AM   #6
oats
Steel Cut
 
oats's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 5,075
Battle Record: 19-10

Accomplishments
- OM HOF (2x)

Champed
- Fight Night LXXXIV
- Art of Writing League

Rep Power: 79005425
oats has a brilliant futureoats has a brilliant futureoats has a brilliant futureoats has a brilliant futureoats has a brilliant futureoats has a brilliant futureoats has a brilliant futureoats has a brilliant futureoats has a brilliant futureoats has a brilliant futureoats has a brilliant future
Default

@Lexicon it is lol, indirectly at least. Thanks for reading, gents.
__________________
You should be water
oats is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 10-04-2013, 10:03 PM   #7
Anjahl
Senior Member
 
Anjahl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 261
Battle Record: 1-0



Rep Power: 1098925
Anjahl has a brilliant futureAnjahl has a brilliant futureAnjahl has a brilliant futureAnjahl has a brilliant futureAnjahl has a brilliant futureAnjahl has a brilliant futureAnjahl has a brilliant futureAnjahl has a brilliant futureAnjahl has a brilliant futureAnjahl has a brilliant futureAnjahl has a brilliant future
Default

lol...up from the graveyar. I haven't read it.
But the title means it's getting upped.
__________________
"When God didn't like what He created, He washed all away in 40 days and 40 nights.
I will do it in three..."
-Max Eisenhart
Anjahl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-04-2013, 10:03 PM   #8
Anjahl
Senior Member
 
Anjahl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 261
Battle Record: 1-0



Rep Power: 1098925
Anjahl has a brilliant futureAnjahl has a brilliant futureAnjahl has a brilliant futureAnjahl has a brilliant futureAnjahl has a brilliant futureAnjahl has a brilliant futureAnjahl has a brilliant futureAnjahl has a brilliant futureAnjahl has a brilliant futureAnjahl has a brilliant futureAnjahl has a brilliant future
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lexicon View Post
I actually thought this was about Pent, 3pa and Paytience lol. Cool shit man. Lots of original rhymes.
lol...who dat?
__________________
"When God didn't like what He created, He washed all away in 40 days and 40 nights.
I will do it in three..."
-Max Eisenhart
Anjahl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-04-2013, 10:07 PM   #9
Anjahl
Senior Member
 
Anjahl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 261
Battle Record: 1-0



Rep Power: 1098925
Anjahl has a brilliant futureAnjahl has a brilliant futureAnjahl has a brilliant futureAnjahl has a brilliant futureAnjahl has a brilliant futureAnjahl has a brilliant futureAnjahl has a brilliant futureAnjahl has a brilliant futureAnjahl has a brilliant futureAnjahl has a brilliant futureAnjahl has a brilliant future
Default

Just read...you're getting feed later oats. lol. This was amusing as HELL to me.
Long time. How ya been?
__________________
"When God didn't like what He created, He washed all away in 40 days and 40 nights.
I will do it in three..."
-Max Eisenhart
Anjahl is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-08-2013, 03:44 PM   #10
beegee
Member
 
beegee's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 32




Rep Power: 0
beegee is an unknown quantity at this point
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Genocide View Post
This fucking piece is retarded dope. People need to stop hiding from length when it holds this kind of quality

Loved this section. It was crazy!
a gross limping mut,folded and hunched his shoulders were slumped, stuck like the fucker bore the load of a truck this shivering,sniveling,grotesquelittlerunt brittle, pale, skinny, frail...like he never ate a vegetable once when he spoke he soaked them in cusses, releasing spit in a maelstrom each tooth looking like Zeus had pissed on a hailstone he stepped to the counter with a presumptuous snicker polished 3 mugsand a pitcher and mumbled"wuhcanna gitcha?"


Up. Sick drop oats

couldnt agree with Geno more.
loved this verse.

Oats do you still have that collab we did before I was banned?
let a brother know!
nice reading your shit again.
beegee is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-08-2013, 09:17 PM   #11
Eŋg
rhyme capsule.
 
Eŋg's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 2,146




Rep Power: 0
Eŋg Eŋg Eŋg Eŋg Eŋg Eŋg Eŋg Eŋg Eŋg Eŋg Eŋg
Default

WHY THE EPIC VERSES, BRO?

jk i tend to log on and look through my post history (because i'm a bit of a narcissist) so this is a legit bookmark and i will feed this shit. believe it.
Eŋg is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply


Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:13 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.5
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
User Alert System provided by Advanced User Tagging (Lite) - vBulletin Mods & Addons Copyright © 2024 DragonByte Technologies Ltd.
Google+