Argh vs. Mr. J - OPEN FOR VOTES

Adonis · 01-14-2016, 10:00 PM

Winter Topical II: Round II

SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due JAN. 19th
TUESDAY at 9 P.M. Pacific/West Coast or TUESDAY 11:59 PM Eastern / 6:00 AM WEDNESDAY JAN. 20th Central European/London
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Thursday at 4:00 p.m. Western / or Thursday 7:00 PM Eastern / 1:00 AM Friday Central European/London Failure to vote will result in NEGATIVE VOTES if you advance to the next round.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? You can technically start a match down three votes by failing to log a single vote the previous week.

so....

All competitors must vote on THREE battles

Read the full rules here!

Topic: Everything I Have

G/Luck

@Argh @Mr. J

Argh · 01-14-2016, 11:31 PM

Yep.

Mr. J · 01-17-2016, 01:10 AM

Consider this my check in...

Mr. J · 01-19-2016, 02:10 PM

@Argh I may post later tonight I'd assume around midnight I am unsure of whose bright idea it was to set PST at 9 probably @Adonis

do not fear I shall pen something for you tonight

Argh · 01-19-2016, 05:21 PM

Power

Treasured ticket in hand, sweat beads slid down her palm,
tense creases camped out where her mouth was drawn.
It was about to storm. Reflexively refreshing the browser,
pupils fixed to the monitor, anxiety amped up around her.
The mood soured. Another failure…..another fucking loss,
the crumpled paper joined the others piled against the wall.
Then came withdrawal until, slowly, the compulsion rose,
seizing her few remaining dollars, she hit the open road.
Approaching 7 Eleven, the numbers navigated her mind,
fifty seven...twenty two...forty...fifteen...one...sixty nine,
and, as if by design, the hole burned deep in her pocket,
so lost in the weeds she couldn't see she needed to stop it.
The repeat process created desperation, the scariest scene
‘cuz despite all she had, nothing compared to the dream.

________________________________________________

Topic - "Everything I Have"

________________________________________________

Mr. J · 01-20-2016, 12:29 AM

My heel cracks the puddle that nightfall has frozen to ice
I feel that the struggle has taught me I am not alone in life…
I’ve been broken twice, once by alcohol & again by failure
The frigid air fends off any fervor leaving my senses endangered
I find myself angered by a bottle of Jack I swiped from work
After I’m finished I follow that with a flick as I light this herb.
My paychecks go to my demons that build a wall against me
An empty stomach that will last way beyond next week…
Nourishment comes around lunchtime because then…it’s free
A few phone calls later, alone again. I’ll find help…eventually
The lights are cut & the heat is useless, I’ve been fucked by debt
With the eviction in full effect I’ve become high-strung by stress
All that I own is thrown in the bed of a truck I can’t do anything but laugh…
I climb under the tarp & made myself a bed out of everything I have…

e11even · 01-20-2016, 04:12 AM

BE- Very simple approach here. I think given the brevity it should have packed more of a punch, but it was an ok, clean piece on gambling addiction well-timed with the recent lottery winners and all. I wish I had done that. It would've been all super devious and stuff. Me aside, I think a lot more could have been done in the way of rhyming internally and ending the lines. This just felt really safe rhyme-wise. The story was well-paced, but nothing was more enthralling than my expectations at the setup. I was hoping for more. All that said, I can appreciate the brevity and neat structure. Good job.

Mr. J- I can relate. I can relate. I can relate. This was grungy and felt authentic. The flow was seamless and naturally rhymed well. This didn't at all feel forced. It felt more like you were just talking to the reader telling them how it is. True story? If not, even better job. This is not original, but like I said- I CAN RELATE lol. I think your content and how you laid it out played well for you. Good Job.

I think this is a battle of who sounded better telling a sad story. Both had the content, but one put it a little better. MVGT Mr.J

Frank · 01-21-2016, 04:56 AM

Argh

I intended to light a fire under you last week, and it appears to have had an adverse effect. I understand you wrote this on a plane ride over Amsterdam or whatever, but you come highly recommended and this effort is a slap in the face of Adonis who vouched for you so adamantly. Whether this was inspired by Cimmerian, or merely an unprioritized last ditch attempt, I cannot help but wonder why you were seeded so highly. To put it nicely, this was a disaster, start to finish. You had 6 days to brainstorm and lay it down. This weeks verse paled in comparison to your verse last week, which I found well thought out, bullshit aside. Somebody needs to link me to a verse B.E wrote that is worthy of being labeled 4th seed material. You title the verse power in the biggest, baddest font available and it comes off as compensation for your lackluster pen game. We'll just chalk it up to unpreparedness and lack thereof.

Mr. J

I remember you as Qwuarterz~ A insignificant fixture in the open mic forum. You were the most persistent in the sense, you dropped a piece almost religiously on the daily. I respected you for that, and I would pop in to tell you so. Recently, you have adapted quite the ego and I must have missed out on the battles, in which it stems from. I did my research and saw you made a deep run in my absence using a style all too familiar. An impressive stint, that I have called you out privately about. I am not convinced that you are deserving of such an inflated Ego, Mr J. With that said, I can humbly proceed to break down this submission. There is not much to it. It does strike me as rock bottom like in its sad state. And it ended well with the tarp imagery. All in all, a decent verse.

Not quite an Easy decision, but

MVGT MR J

UnbornBuddha · 01-21-2016, 10:37 AM

B.E., sorry its hard for me to call you Argh. Anyhow, I thought the verse itself was okay. It was very direct, and though very current to the events of the world it was too direct. Not a bad verse, but not your best work. Seemed more like a fun open mic than a piece I expect from you at a high-level topical tournament. As always a nice, clean structure but the content itself was underwhelming.

Mr. J- This was nice. It was very humorous, even as you depicted destitute and the ruin of this person, capital wise. It was a spin from rags to riches, more like riches to rags. And another good thing is that it never became too melancholy, there was a sense of lightheartedness present. LOL at Frank's statements, hahaha.

Sorry. B.E. but I have to go for

Vote: MR. J

Cimmerian · 01-21-2016, 11:06 AM

I've read y'all's verses three times and I still can't decide which one I like better. I'll chew on it.

NYCSPITZ · 01-21-2016, 12:43 PM

Cool little battle. I thought B.E. had some great descriptors in there. I thought the beginning was cool:

t was about to storm. Reflexively refreshing the browser,
pupils fixed to the monitor, anxiety amped up around her

Nice way to build atmosphere and add some pace to the story. but to be honest the verse as a whole didn't do much for me. It read a bit dull, there was a monotone feeling to it, and even the ending seemed to lack oomph as a result. I don't think you did much to invoke emotion in the reader here, which is IMO an important facet of topical tourneyz

Mr. J dope lil story homie. I felt you did a better job of elicting emotion out of the reader, I enjoyed the sort of cynical yet "fuck it" attitude your character has at the end. I think the language used and descriptors were pretty even but for a more engaging read and better execution of ethos and gravitas, I must award the W to Mr. J

PiE · 01-21-2016, 02:17 PM

Argh, this was a bit brief to get into the content, but I think it's about the random scenes of a dreamscape. The transition from being at a monitor to pieces of paper on the floor and going to 711 were really rough.. The ending kind of made the rest make more sense, but still those transitions were really rough in the flow of this character development.

MrJ, very gripping tale of a downward spiral and you put enough detail to develop the character what led them to a fate of sleeping on the bed of a truck. The flow was decent and kept it moving nicely. I looked this also because I can relate to this situation.

Vote MrJ

Diode · 01-21-2016, 11:00 PM

BE:

You can tell this was a key. Simple, if not satisfying in its matching character count lines. You seem to have developed a thing for that. The story itself was short and to the point, with the expected closing thought. Nothing wrong with it, but nothing great either. You can do a lot better than this. Was a clever way to weave the topic into your verse, but other than that, it's kind of an afterthought. Disappointed because I know how much better you can be.

Mr. J

Opener is oddly worded. Made up for it with this beautiful line:

"The frigid air fends off any fervor leaving my senses endangered"

Detracted from it all again with your ellipses scheme afterward. Your technique is very hit-or-miss and all that complex, but the story was effective. It's one of those cases where you know where it's going, however the ending satisfies nonetheless. You're going to need to step it up next round for sure. BE threw out a softball this round and you did just enough to win. I don't think the gap is nearly as broad as some other voters have indicated.

VOTE: MR. J

Cimmerian · 01-22-2016, 09:59 AM

I felt that this was the Battle of the Week.

Argh:

You weaved a very descriptive verse regarding a gambling addict.

Highlights:

"the crumpled paper joined the others piled against the wall."

"despite all she had, nothing compared to the dream."

Mr. Jefferson:

You expounded on a man who lost it all.

Highlights:

"My heel cracks the puddle that nightfall has frozen to ice"

"I climb under the tarp & made myself a bed out of everything I have"

It appeared to me that Argh conceded the battle. But I did want to comment that I felt these two verses, in my opinion, were in the Top 3 this week (The third being @Pent uP 's.)

Nice work, both of you.

Cimm.

01-14-2016, 10:00 PM	#1
Adonis Tsk Tsk Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Beer Goggles Posts: 4,834 Battle Record: 36-34 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - NFL Pick'em 2016-17 Rep Power: 9946446	Argh vs. Mr. J - OPEN FOR VOTES Winter Topical II: Round II SUMMARY OF RULES: Verses are due JAN. 19th TUESDAY at 9 P.M. Pacific/West Coast or TUESDAY 11:59 PM Eastern / 6:00 AM WEDNESDAY JAN. 20th Central European/London There are NO extensions. Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words). Votes are due Thursday at 4:00 p.m. Western / or Thursday 7:00 PM Eastern / 1:00 AM Friday Central European/London Failure to vote will result in NEGATIVE VOTES if you advance to the next round. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? You can technically start a match down three votes by failing to log a single vote the previous week. so.... All competitors must vote on THREE battles Read the full rules here! Topic: Everything I Have G/Luck @Argh @Mr. J __________________ I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR Last edited by Adonis; 01-20-2016 at 06:24 PM.

01-17-2016, 01:10 AM	#3
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,025 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349678	Consider this my check in... __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

01-19-2016, 02:10 PM	#4
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,025 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349678	@Argh I may post later tonight I'd assume around midnight I am unsure of whose bright idea it was to set PST at 9 probably @Adonis do not fear I shall pen something for you tonight __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

01-20-2016, 12:29 AM	#6
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,025 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349678	A Cold Winter Night My heel cracks the puddle that nightfall has frozen to ice I feel that the struggle has taught me I am not alone in life… I’ve been broken twice, once by alcohol & again by failure The frigid air fends off any fervor leaving my senses endangered I find myself angered by a bottle of Jack I swiped from work After I’m finished I follow that with a flick as I light this herb. My paychecks go to my demons that build a wall against me An empty stomach that will last way beyond next week… Nourishment comes around lunchtime because then…it’s free A few phone calls later, alone again. I’ll find help…eventually The lights are cut & the heat is useless, I’ve been fucked by debt With the eviction in full effect I’ve become high-strung by stress All that I own is thrown in the bed of a truck I can’t do anything but laugh… I climb under the tarp & made myself a bed out of everything I have… __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

01-20-2016, 04:12 AM	#7
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247256	BE- Very simple approach here. I think given the brevity it should have packed more of a punch, but it was an ok, clean piece on gambling addiction well-timed with the recent lottery winners and all. I wish I had done that. It would've been all super devious and stuff. Me aside, I think a lot more could have been done in the way of rhyming internally and ending the lines. This just felt really safe rhyme-wise. The story was well-paced, but nothing was more enthralling than my expectations at the setup. I was hoping for more. All that said, I can appreciate the brevity and neat structure. Good job. Mr. J- I can relate. I can relate. I can relate. This was grungy and felt authentic. The flow was seamless and naturally rhymed well. This didn't at all feel forced. It felt more like you were just talking to the reader telling them how it is. True story? If not, even better job. This is not original, but like I said- I CAN RELATE lol. I think your content and how you laid it out played well for you. Good Job. I think this is a battle of who sounded better telling a sad story. Both had the content, but one put it a little better. MVGT Mr.J __________________ Ahem.

01-14-2016, 11:31 PM	#2
Argh Member Join Date: Dec 2015 Posts: 34 Rep Power: 3436001	Yep.

01-19-2016, 05:21 PM	#5
Argh Member Join Date: Dec 2015 Posts: 34 Rep Power: 3436001	Power Treasured ticket in hand, sweat beads slid down her palm, tense creases camped out where her mouth was drawn. It was about to storm. Reflexively refreshing the browser, pupils fixed to the monitor, anxiety amped up around her. The mood soured. Another failure…..another fucking loss, the crumpled paper joined the others piled against the wall. Then came withdrawal until, slowly, the compulsion rose, seizing her few remaining dollars, she hit the open road. Approaching 7 Eleven, the numbers navigated her mind, fifty seven...twenty two...forty...fifteen...one...sixty nine, and, as if by design, the hole burned deep in her pocket, so lost in the weeds she couldn't see she needed to stop it. The repeat process created desperation, the scariest scene ‘cuz despite all she had, nothing compared to the dream. ________________________________________________ Topic - "Everything I Have" ________________________________________________

01-21-2016, 04:56 AM	#8
Frank Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2001 Posts: 3,228 Champed - NWL Season 2 - Art of Writing League (5x) - Lime Green Poetry Association - AOWL Season 6 - AOWL Season 10 Rep Power: 3853343	Argh I intended to light a fire under you last week, and it appears to have had an adverse effect. I understand you wrote this on a plane ride over Amsterdam or whatever, but you come highly recommended and this effort is a slap in the face of Adonis who vouched for you so adamantly. Whether this was inspired by Cimmerian, or merely an unprioritized last ditch attempt, I cannot help but wonder why you were seeded so highly. To put it nicely, this was a disaster, start to finish. You had 6 days to brainstorm and lay it down. This weeks verse paled in comparison to your verse last week, which I found well thought out, bullshit aside. Somebody needs to link me to a verse B.E wrote that is worthy of being labeled 4th seed material. You title the verse power in the biggest, baddest font available and it comes off as compensation for your lackluster pen game. We'll just chalk it up to unpreparedness and lack thereof. Mr. J I remember you as Qwuarterz~ A insignificant fixture in the open mic forum. You were the most persistent in the sense, you dropped a piece almost religiously on the daily. I respected you for that, and I would pop in to tell you so. Recently, you have adapted quite the ego and I must have missed out on the battles, in which it stems from. I did my research and saw you made a deep run in my absence using a style all too familiar. An impressive stint, that I have called you out privately about. I am not convinced that you are deserving of such an inflated Ego, Mr J. With that said, I can humbly proceed to break down this submission. There is not much to it. It does strike me as rock bottom like in its sad state. And it ended well with the tarp imagery. All in all, a decent verse. Not quite an Easy decision, but MVGT MR J __________________ *VETWORK*

01-21-2016, 10:37 AM	#9
UnbornBuddha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 1,008 Battle Record: 23-10 Champed - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 5 Rep Power: 23856375	B.E., sorry its hard for me to call you Argh. Anyhow, I thought the verse itself was okay. It was very direct, and though very current to the events of the world it was too direct. Not a bad verse, but not your best work. Seemed more like a fun open mic than a piece I expect from you at a high-level topical tournament. As always a nice, clean structure but the content itself was underwhelming. Mr. J- This was nice. It was very humorous, even as you depicted destitute and the ruin of this person, capital wise. It was a spin from rags to riches, more like riches to rags. And another good thing is that it never became too melancholy, there was a sense of lightheartedness present. LOL at Frank's statements, hahaha. Sorry. B.E. but I have to go for Vote: MR. J

01-21-2016, 11:06 AM	#10
Cimmerian Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2013 Posts: 142 Rep Power: 2933495	I've read y'all's verses three times and I still can't decide which one I like better. I'll chew on it.

01-21-2016, 12:43 PM	#11
NYCSPITZ SYRACUSE Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,033 Battle Record: 31-37 Champed - Write Night II - Alias Topical Tournament Rep Power: 4743544	Cool little battle. I thought B.E. had some great descriptors in there. I thought the beginning was cool: t was about to storm. Reflexively refreshing the browser, pupils fixed to the monitor, anxiety amped up around her Nice way to build atmosphere and add some pace to the story. but to be honest the verse as a whole didn't do much for me. It read a bit dull, there was a monotone feeling to it, and even the ending seemed to lack oomph as a result. I don't think you did much to invoke emotion in the reader here, which is IMO an important facet of topical tourneyz Mr. J dope lil story homie. I felt you did a better job of elicting emotion out of the reader, I enjoyed the sort of cynical yet "fuck it" attitude your character has at the end. I think the language used and descriptors were pretty even but for a more engaging read and better execution of ethos and gravitas, I must award the W to Mr. J __________________ UNIFIED THEORY

01-21-2016, 02:17 PM	#12
PiE el es a la mode Join Date: Jul 2013 Location: slice of heaven Posts: 94 Battle Record: 1-4 Rep Power: 33	Argh, this was a bit brief to get into the content, but I think it's about the random scenes of a dreamscape. The transition from being at a monitor to pieces of paper on the floor and going to 711 were really rough.. The ending kind of made the rest make more sense, but still those transitions were really rough in the flow of this character development. MrJ, very gripping tale of a downward spiral and you put enough detail to develop the character what led them to a fate of sleeping on the bed of a truck. The flow was decent and kept it moving nicely. I looked this also because I can relate to this situation. Vote MrJ __________________

01-21-2016, 11:00 PM	#13
Diode PR's Finest Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 14,156 Battle Record: 12-7 Rep Power: 85899406	BE: You can tell this was a key. Simple, if not satisfying in its matching character count lines. You seem to have developed a thing for that. The story itself was short and to the point, with the expected closing thought. Nothing wrong with it, but nothing great either. You can do a lot better than this. Was a clever way to weave the topic into your verse, but other than that, it's kind of an afterthought. Disappointed because I know how much better you can be. Mr. J Opener is oddly worded. Made up for it with this beautiful line: "The frigid air fends off any fervor leaving my senses endangered" Detracted from it all again with your ellipses scheme afterward. Your technique is very hit-or-miss and all that complex, but the story was effective. It's one of those cases where you know where it's going, however the ending satisfies nonetheless. You're going to need to step it up next round for sure. BE threw out a softball this round and you did just enough to win. I don't think the gap is nearly as broad as some other voters have indicated. VOTE: MR. J __________________

01-22-2016, 09:59 AM	#14
Cimmerian Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2013 Posts: 142 Rep Power: 2933495	I felt that this was the Battle of the Week. Argh: You weaved a very descriptive verse regarding a gambling addict. Highlights: "the crumpled paper joined the others piled against the wall." "despite all she had, nothing compared to the dream." Mr. Jefferson: You expounded on a man who lost it all. Highlights: "My heel cracks the puddle that nightfall has frozen to ice" "I climb under the tarp & made myself a bed out of everything I have" It appeared to me that Argh conceded the battle. But I did want to comment that I felt these two verses, in my opinion, were in the Top 3 this week (The third being @Pent uP 's.) Nice work, both of you. Cimm.