Week 6: Asylum vs. Mr. J (MR. J WINS 5-2)

[asylum]

Season 6

Verses are due SUNDAY 4/10 11:59 PST

Voting ends TUESDAY 4/12 11:59 PST

Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic:
"Reality: What a concept!"


Good luck to both participants.
@asylum (3-2) @Mr. J (3-2)

[Mr. J]

My day begins like any other persons
some days the mornings seem perfect
while others leave me feeling worthless
my standard is lowered, yet immersive
my senses tingle with each diversion.
Rays of light blind me upon emergence
the morning dew ripples the puddles surface
A smirk emerges on my face in delight
I kick a pebble in to shift the current..
Im allowed to use a gift I was once denied...
one I've taken for granted for most of my life
Im alive I think.. Yes my senses replied.
Each step awakens a feeling I've been deprived
the grass begins to form a mold beneath me
dirt & rock crunches as I wander about freely
before, I enjoyed it briefly. now, it completes me
Im overtaken by Spring as I breathe in deeply.
My mind is where the battle for supremacy is fought
trying to remind me that this feeling will eventually be lost...
sending shocks to each & every sensory spot.
now I understand where my deep-rooted jealousies are
I feel weighed down by what these perplexities brought
eventually...every sense in me is flawed.
the progress turns into a hindrance.
the hindrance puts me back through the process
the process tends to leave me feeling nauseous
I cant deal with this world, its full of so much nonsense
I remove my oculus rift & return to reality...what a concept

[IMG]http://thetyee.***hefly.net/Opinion/2010/03/08/woman-in-wheelchair2.jpg[/IMG]

[asylum]

He sat at his desk madly punching away at the keys like a symphony,
In a room wreaking of misery he weeps reaching for sweet infamy,
Each day plays out the epitome of sadness explained,
Until one day the shades of madness became a channeling change.
An empty door hangs on the hinge of an animal’s cage,
holding within a handwritten page, weathered and aged.
Well wishes littered with pleasure and rage, a measure of shame,
It ends, “we can’t blame ourselves for the weather today.”
Each minds a cast or a frame that fractures can change,
layers of plaster arranged and engraved with names and patterns of praise,
assuage our passions today. Free us from greed, gamble our asses away.
Teeth grind and chatter, out to pasture on life’s more benign factors we graze.
Distracted from faith, trash compactors and graves mark the path all the way.
Logic’s saving the day, reasons the deepest sense we’ve manufactured to need,
It’s pretense keeps secrets from the actors preaching it’s creed,
factors manufactured for beings who perceive consumption as being free.

[Adverse]

This is quite a battle...
I'm not even quite sure where to start guys, both of your verses had their strong points.

Mr. J, I really liked your story, your imagery was strong and your story was compelling, I liked the whole taking off the oculus rift thing though I thought it was going to be a dream in the end. I thought you stuck with the topic well, and put a sad twist on it, and any time you can make a reader feel, there's extra points in that alone, even though I never heard your character's name or seen their face, I felt agony for them, I felt the whole 'reality sucks and life isn't fair' cliche for them. Nice verse my dude.

Asylum, since i'm fairly new I don't know if i've read anything from you previously, but I do know this was a nice verse. The imagery and rhyme scheme is what stuck out the most to me, you kept a consistent flow throughout and made it all stick together impressively, the only things I feel like missing from it was a clear cut story line and the ability to relate to your verse, thing things J did a great job at in my mind, overall I liked both of your stories but I feel like Mr. J got this for those defining factors I outlined a little while ago. Both of you keep writing though because you're both great writers!

Vote - Mr. J

[symetrik]

mr. j's piece

hawt

Im allowed to use a gift I was once denied...
one I've taken for granted for most of my life
Im alive I think.. Yes my senses replied.

before, I enjoyed it briefly. now, it completes me
Im overtaken by Spring as I breathe in deeply.

the second quote especially. first line is clean af.

nawt

my standard is lowered, yet immersive
my senses tingle with each diversion.
Rays of light blind me upon emergence

just seemed forced? big words man. they ain't my friends.

asylum's piece

hawt

An empty door hangs on the hinge of an animal’s cage,
holding within a handwritten page, weathered and aged.
Well wishes littered with pleasure and rage, a measure of shame,

layers of plaster arranged and engraved with names and patterns of praise,

nawt

It’s pretense keeps secrets from the actors preaching it’s creed,

possessive!

mvgt: mr. j for a piece that dealt head on with reality.

[Just Write]

Mr j,
This was very smooth. One of the better verses I've read from you, you definitely have a great descriptive ability that I applaud. Hope you know the chat and discussion "beef" is all in fun man. Definitely have my respect as a writer. This was a nice piece man.


Asylum, I really enjoyed this and the flow was exceptional. I have to also applaud you for keeping this league going by yourself and writing verses.. I can only imagine how hard that is. While I enjoyed this piece it was almost too abstract if to you will.. I think I've mentioned this before about it being hard to catch some of your pieces meanings. When you write clear cut pieces you are unbeatable, Unfortunately for yoy this week mr. J really did a great job


Mvgt= Mr J for a more clear cut piece imo

[timeless]

J, it always seem so dissatisfying to read a piece with a photo attached at the end or halfway or wherever. Sometimes it works, mostly it doesn't. You already have a topic, why add a photo? Seems like a subconscious effort to cover up the lack of imagery/description of the piece you just wrote before it. Shits just annoying tbh. As far as the writing goes, this def isnt one of your best verses. It started off slow and disorganized but you capped out on the ending very well. Really enjoyed the last line.

Asylum. This was solid. You came very flow-heavy and organized. The "gamble our asses away" was pretty wack tbh lol. The ending was slick, really brought the whole piece down to earth.

V. Asylum for the more enjoyable read. This was close and I can see it going either way but I just thought pat was too sharp to lay down.

[Artifice]

Really interesting battle here... Mr. J went for a really cool flip on the topic, whereas Asylum went bananas with the flow and schemes, and imagery.

Mr. J... you took the topic and spun it in a very creative way... after my first read through, i immediately read the verse again and noticed all the subtle ways you built up to it... really a cool read. On the technical side you didn't go for anything extravagant, but it was cool throughout.

Asylum, you went bonkers with the technicality on this one. Flow, mutlis, inners, vivid imagery, vocab... it was dense. And, I think that might have been your downfall. It was so dense and abstract it's hard to see a through-line that connects everything back to your take on the topic. Had Mr. J not taken such a cool twist on the topic, I think you might've gotten my vote for the technical prowess of your verse. But, as it stands...

v/ Mr. J

[Frank]

MVGT Asylum

Not a fan of submissions under 16 lines. Recently they've become a fad? There is a certain stigma surrounding these short verses, which I am not completely understanding of. 16 bar verses are for audio tracks, they have no place in the AOWL. This was a great battle, though. I was impressed with Mr Js minimalist style, but was disheartened by the added visual aid. Asylum was flawless for the modt part. Probably his strongest writing to date, imho. Asylum has trouble ending emphatically, he merely tacks on ending lines that do not come off as conclusive enough to elevate his writing to that next level - Well on the way, though. Giving him the nod over Mr. J this week.

[breathless]

J, dang mang... Shit was fire, meticulous precision with unforced multistage that roll off the tongue so smoothly. Excellent ender twist, I totally did not see that one. Also did not see anything wrong with this.

Asylum, great piece, lyrical wizardry, the way you weave complex multis into other ones, the shift between them is flawless. I don't think you developed much of a substantial story though, almost felt like it just cut off at the end, had you closed with a more closey closer you might have got this for me

Vote - j