Week 8 Contendership Match: Artifice vs Just Write (ARTIFICE WINS 5-1)

[asylum]

Season 6

Verses are due SUNDAY 4/24 11:59 PST

Voting ends TUESDAY 4/26 11:59 PST

Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic:


Good luck to both participants.
@Artifice (4-1) and @Just Write (6-1)

[Artifice]

a checkered past, thickets of thorns adorn its wretched path
to forget what's passed since she was born was all that Gretchen asked
she was adopted but childhood honestly wasn't fostered
no need for boogeymen in her closet, fathers & mothers were monsters
never had a home... always tossed around place to place
how Gretchen was lost but never found, no sounds of amazing grace
at the age of eight moved again, someone else took her in
to wash clothes, sweep floors, whole lists of chores including cook for them
things stayed looking thin for a few years next because
by thirteen chances of a happy life seemed as anorexic as she was
dad's anger swelled & snapped, so too did his belt strap
welts its latch left never did... though it's been a bit since she felt that
no bedroom, no bed, on a cold ground she lies awake
no sleep for the slave endorsed, paid for & subsidized by the state
she's in the grip of death & never will the devil release
her life isn't free but tied to the depths, tethered to hell with a leash
now a teen girl so heated words were flung & exchanged
lips burned to a crisp, singed gums with a tongue turned into flames
u're not my dad... u're not my daughter... why I oughtta
after all the yelling they both swallowed several helpings of firewater
before eighteen she ran away, turned to life on the streets
where she met a guy & moved inside his life to let the cycle repeat
no change in tune, remain the blues, she's used to beatings
so soon along with her food she's consumed many abusive evenings
he acts like he owns her which would seem strange to some
but when he leaves his makers mark just she numbs her pain with some
he was a coke fiend & they both became addicted to codeine
she went slow & he didn't so wasn't more than a minute before he OD'd
so sick all she could think was yet again Gretchen's deserted
stuck in a neverending trench of being unable to forget that she's worthless
one day watchin' the newsreel she sees an ad for a new pill
a capsule to attack specific memories, letting you choose which ones you kill
her dire reality bites so she might be in need of some fiction
she heads right to the walk-in in clinic to see if she can receive a prescription
they tell her to take them slowly, only a couple a day
she nods her head in agreement, secretly facetious, with nothing to say
visits six different clinics and gets scripts from them too
once she starts digging up history she's got her whole garden to tend to
hate abstains as neurotransmitters bombard her brain
while it may be that the memory of pain's been erased still the scars remain
she lets the pills just flow, never one who'd live to grow
she never got a christmas gift, just a kiss of death under the mistletoe
as her painful past fades off into the distant horizon
nothing great happens as in its place another problem's quickly arisin'
all those pills she took weren't just a danger to health
they erased the memories that collectively together made her herself
so while she's finally free of all the burdens she's lived
she's now eternally burdened with never knowing the person she is

[Just Write]

didn't get a chance to finish but don't want my man to get no showed and lose out on feed either soo...


Ladies and gentlemen allow me to introduce Dr. Montgomery
An astonishing scientist who's produced a shocking discovery
we now have the option of blocking out memories
though the process is commonly known for locking your mental stream"

thank you sir, I'm so proud to be speaking to some familiar faces in college
these last few years my careers been about obtaining this knowledge
I owe it to the students, who worked hard to help me pursue this
I told you if we stuck it out, there would be nothing to it.
with new improvements we hope to usher in a whole new movement
peaple, this is just the beginning.. we're on the brink of a global union.
imagine no more obtrusive plaguing thoughts of confusion
today I give you the opportunity to be... more than just human.



to be continued in the OM

[symetrik]

artifice - great piece. i fucking hate the name Gretchen. my type of subject though, strong visuals to someone who's seen the girls that are made by that kind of treatment.

thank you for not ns'ing just write
mvgt artifice.

[NYCSPITZ]

Artifice - was feeling the cycle repeat line, and the ending was dope. I felt the tempo was sluggish for a lot of the verse though. There's nothing of substance other than Gretchen is feeling gray and down in various circumstances, told through a sort of detatched narration. Wasn't feeling that aspect. To be precise, I think the details were too broad to be engaging. You could have delved more into her emotions, different things she did, explained neurotic tendencies etc. but it came off as a bit of a monologue. That said the part that popped off caught my interest, and if you do that for an entire verse you would have a dandy.

Just Write No show verse. If it was a full verse I would have voted JW I think. He already was catching my attention there with the lively language and creativity.

V/ Artifice.

[Mr. J]

Artifice, I enjoy your approach to this piece from the start.
I can tell you were going to pen something to tug at the heart.
something appealing, smooth & practically thought provoking
& you did not disappoint this was crafted nicely, I enjoyed the whole thing.
you were capable of keeping my attention due to the scheme you chose
I felt several lines could be edited out then your technique would show.
but you performed very well as one would hope you would.
an amazing performance! this was quote/unquote...good.

Just, I thought this could have been a great piece if edited & finished
but the fact you didnt have enough time which will send ya to the dizzitch
but I for one will bear witness to your show while I am bare naked..
this better be a 40 plus piece though, because I will be there to embrace it.
sweaty as shit....


v/Art he came with an all around game in the end.
he laid out a good plan & executed a proper offense.
he made some major points in the beginning & took the lead
& continued to outperform the other in spots they were looking weak
Just could have put up a decent fight had he put more time in
he may have threw in some good ideas but missed the perfect devices
regardless I feel disappointed but thought the brevity was nice
these fools think that they got me trippin like a centipede on ice..
nah bro...vote Art

[asylum]

Artifice these piece was absolutely ridiculious dude. You are obviously determined to champ, holy mother of wow. Absolutely immaculate work. Ill do your battle review for the magazine, just wanted to drop s vote and give you the nod. I dont really see any room for improvement.

Just write - good effort bro. I appreciate you taking the time to drop this.

Mvgt - artifice

[timeless]

Artichoke, a tragic tale for the tragic mind. Was cool, have seen better from you tbh. Quite a bit of filler bars in here, forced rhymes etc. On the minimal side for sure. I think you were writing for your opponent here, knowing JW has a good grasp on storytelling, you felt yours needed more of a gut wrenching scenario to win the voters eyes. It prolly would've worked too.

Jw, I would say I would keep an eye out for this in the om but I rarely travel there. Cool u showed respect here allowing for feed of your opponent's verse.

V. Art obv

[breathless]

Vote - JW (because everyone deserves a vote)

Art, dude, this was amazeballs, captivated me to the point where it was like reading a book you're really into and nearing the end, got that legit want to know what happens. How she still wasn't properly fulfilled at the end pleased me, too many stories end with happy endings

Jw- this would have been really cool, got the tv show interview feel spot on, even though it's rhyme heavy its not forced and still reads like a legit dialogue