ROUND ONE: #3 DOMINATE vs #6 MIKE WRECKA OPEN FOR VOTES DOM WINS 4-1

[Adverse]

AOWL Season X PLAYOFF ROUND ONE


Verse Due: SATURDAY, AUGUST 27TH @ 11:59PM EST

Line min: 10

Max: 40


Rules: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=150311

Topic:





GOOD LUCK

[Mike Wrecka]

Self Trial Number 2: Self Administered by Dr. Pressinger

Notes: Self Administering ADHD elixir followed by clinical trial drug ACE 11.

Following self administration of ADHD elixir I will experience a short round of symptoms that mimic Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

At that time I will be able to see if symptoms are remedied by ACE 11.

Recording video footage from multiple cameras for later study. Will also play background music to mimic distracting stimulus

Side Note: Elixir was not put back in proper place and was found off to the side of laboratory table. It’s crucial that we, as a team, keep our materials in their documented spaces.




11:03 AM - administering elixir and ACE 11 , also pushing play on music.

I

I

V

As I try to concentrate, I lose my focus, attempting to sit still and not move is hopeless,
staring at my watch but i don’t do hypnosis, what I’m trying to do is prove when I consume this dosage,
that it’s enough to improve and soothe neurosis, but my mind is full and includes a brood of locusts,
I’m so confused have to assume the room exploded , and there’s no turning the tide like when the moon is closest,
I’m off the rails, train of thoughts are scattered, coming apart at the seams like a cloth that’s tattered,
feel so out of place, as if I was an orphan battered, realize ACE 11 doesn’t work and thats all that matters,
so I look into an assortment of assorted cameras, and see that I’m foaming from the mouth in a sort of lather,
brain feels like its being tortured by a fork or dagger, neurons being stabbed and activated in an contorted manner,
off balance and dizzy like I’m falling from the tallest ladder, somethings lurking in the shadows the way moss in a forest gathers,
look at the time, noon is when the effects will subside, felt my temperature rise because the hour hand was next to the five,
saw an envelope across the room with a message inside, it said only to be seen by Dr. Pressinger’s eyes,
it read beware this elixir is the most aggressive we ever devised, the last professor survived, but after his session he has to wrestle with hallucinations of demonic possessions so i must stress it’s advised,
to stop all self trials I’ve taken these vials and set them aside, I dropped the letter and immediately let out a cry,
the thought of living like this forever was the threat thats implied,
I felt a shadow controlling me like a marionette as a tried, to sort out the voices in my head as they became intertwined,
It said “get in there! and take the pen off the desk”, so I took a moment to process this request,
then I made a absolute gruesome mess of my neck, the only thing that I’ll be learning during this test session is death ,
fell to ground bleeding, pen still in my palm, realized the voices I was hearing all along came from an intercom,
when the observing practitioners rushed in the room I was practically gone , all of sudden my clarity was strong , final thoughts were ACE 11 works but the time release is all wrong

[Dominate]

Once upon an evening eerie, when the sky was bleak and bleary
and I sipped some cheap and cheery comfort from the bottom shelf
Taking a toke of tobacco, suddenly I saw a shadow
cast there over the piano and my silhouetted self
“It’s the maplewood,” I muttered, glancing out to where it dwelled
“only that, and nothing else”

In such detail I recall it – it was past the prime of fall and
every tree that lined my lawn had lost its lustrous leafy shell
I sat alone then, grim and grieving, drinking well into the evening
drinking deep to cease the screaming, screaming in my head for Elle
For that sorry, sultry siren that I thought I’d loved so well
A conviction now dispelled

And the weight of what had happened in my burning, brainless passion
killed me – filled me with a sort of sadness I had never felt
So that now this outlined figure on my wall that faintly flickered
seeming only to grow bigger fanned the fires of my hell
“it’s the maplewood,” I echoed, drawing shades to break its spell
… and yet still the shadow fell

Feeling now my heart beat faster, I stood searching for the master
of this spectre on my plaster born of shade that I beheld
And on noticing its placement, I turned hastily, impatient
to the room that stood adjacent where I’d hung a head of elk
“just the antlers,” I sighed, then closed the door to break their spell
… but yet still the shadow fell

Finding neither rhyme nor reason, my assuredness did weaken
and the silence seemed to deepen as the fear within me swelled
For the foul, fantastic monster my imagination conjured
looming larger, fiercer, stronger, grew impossible to quell
And the phantom’s form felt foreign as of from another realm
yet… familiar as well

“Is it you?” I whispered softly, fearing something there ungodly
like some spirit sent to haunt me from the deepest depths of hell
But the shade seemed not to hear me, though I voiced again my query
so, succinctly and sincerely, I then simply asked it - “… Elle?”
This I asked, and heard my voice repeating back the name of “Elle!”
Only echoes, nothing else

Now I lost all my composure, - struck the wall, and shrieked for closure
Struck it over and then over with what strength I could compel
Fists so frenzied and ferocious, in the grip of a psychosis
and the beat of every blow was like the sounding of a knell
… like the beat of bloody blows with which I’d beat the life from Elle
Faithless bitch. I’d loved her well

And the shadow, so incessant, still is present, still is present
like a token of the essence that malevolence befell
And so far beyond redeeming, there my soul continues screaming
‘neath that shadow with its meaning as to mark me as its whelp
As the vile, abhorrent monster that no mortal man can help
This I am, and nothing else.




https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Raven

[brokenhal0]

after reading this over i can nitpick at the pseudo subconscious suggestion that can overplay in
world building in terms of how a writer establishs the story ...Dominate your opening was fire and it reads like edgar allen poe would have wrote that verse but then u establish a character named elle ..a character i used in a prior battle a few weeks back
its the little things you know found it odd and thought you was implying a overlapping reality ...your tension building was spot on the dialogue on point short simple
and stylish not your best work but still enjoyable as most everything u write

Mike wrecka i read your song to the necro beat and your flow was spot on you literally left no bar un connected i also thought your content was dope edgy class of 1999 vibes i seen the whole lab and the characters in my mind and i was reading along with the quick bpm the tension was faster then dominates but not as powerful in terms of its brooding i thought your flow was better but less abstract and thats just some subjective bullshit anyway and as close as this was u reminded me a bit of eviction at times how quickly the story became personal but still engaging.

i think DOMINATES opener was better and his slick word patterning got him a WIN here by a chin hair it wasn't doms most serious verse of the season but it still brought a little more to the table in terms of style and finesse where mike wrecka your flow was better at least in terms of how it read and your environment was dope too just lacking a little bit in depth in terms of the magnetism making it feel rushed .

[Eviction]

@Dominate

The rhyme scheme in the opening was average, it wasn't anything special, I can see you are going for storytelling right off in the beginning, the imagery in the beginning section was on point, the way you are describing events. is really nice, and is usually something that gets me to read more, I think the rhymes in the second stanza were a little odd, I get the scheme there as you’re not going for the typical end rhyme scheme, I would expect more complex schemes if you’re going that route, I think the highlight of this is you keep the same rhyme scheme throughout the entire thing, and each section had a key take-away.
@Mike Wrecka
I must admit you could have shortened your lines some to make for an easier read, that opening line I am on the fence about because you’re basically saying the same thing, but saying it in a different way, makes it sound like you’re trying to stretch the line farther, you’re storytelling wasn’t as elaborate as dominate, but you killed it with your rhyme schemes, “improve and soothe neurosis” that whole section was dope.


This is a close battle for sure, I think mike wrecka would have ran away with this if his piece was longer, but you can ignore dominate and the way he was able to tell a descripted story, dominate had the better rhyme schemes this season, but I didn’t see that from him, maybe he’s trying to prove that you don’t need to spam multies and be over the top with rhymes to end up with a decent piece, it does take away from the actual story, Dom’s was more character driven, and mike was more about him, with less back story.

Going to have to give this to Dominate, on content value alone.

[Frank]

Mike Wrecka

Self Trial Number 2: Self Administered by Dr. Pressinger

Pressinger. Appropriate. Points awarded. The format/layout resembles @Zygote. (Whatever happened to @Zygote?)I would've preferred it if your Intro Rhymed. I noticed all of your takes this season thus far are based around an Anti-establishment themes. I'm so happy you saw the bat signal and returned to the league. Any hoots, carrying on,

Notes: Self Administering ADHD elixir followed by clinical trial drug ACE 11.

Following self administration of ADHD elixir I will experience a short round of symptoms that mimic Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

At that time I will be able to see if symptoms are remedied by ACE 11.

For some very odd reason, I pictured an Ace Bandage... Probably not the imagery you set out to conjure up. It would've been really clever if you would've alluded to an Ace Bandage somehow.

Recording video footage from multiple cameras for later study. Will also play background music to mimic distracting stimulus

Side Note: Elixir was not put back in proper place and was found off to the side of laboratory table. It’s crucial that we, as a team, keep our materials in their documented spaces.

Haha, all of your verses are like government conspiracies. That's your niche, man. You set up your story line, again though, you could've done so while wording it so it rhymed. So, points deducted, in my book.



11:03 AM - administering elixir and ACE 11 , also pushing play on music.

I
I
V

Wow. That beat really accentuated your writing big time. I re-read it to the beat. Usually I kind of frown upon extra curricular shit like that, but I decided to press play on the beat and it most definitely helped improve the piece. "Props"

As I try to concentrate, I lose my focus, attempting to sit still and not move is hopeless,
staring at my watch but i don’t do hypnosis, what I’m trying to do is prove when I consume this dosage,

This critique is strictly grammatical. And I'm kind of boggled. Why did you use a lower case i? And why did you implement /utilize a capital I? I know @dead man does that, but that's his style. I understand the lower case letters on a first draft, but why not go back and edit/re-write? Did you give it a proofread/look over? You finish your sentences with commas, because that's your prerogative. The lower case "i" though. Why did you do it?

that it’s enough to improve and soothe neurosis, but my mind is full and includes a brood of locusts,

Brooding was on point, but locust? Needed some more vague reference like, "Brooding Notion".

I’m so confused have to assume the room exploded , and there’s no turning the tide like when the moon is closest,

Grammarly. Why is the comma so spaced out here? But, nowhere else in the verse? Is this comma more emphasized than the others? From a technical stand point, it just comes across more like a first draft, than a first round playoff submission.

I’m off the rails, train of thoughts are scattered, coming apart at the seams like a cloth that’s tattered,
feel so out of place, as if I was an orphan battered, realize ACE 11 doesn’t work and thats all that matters,
so I look into an assortment of assorted cameras, and see that I’m foaming from the mouth in a sort of lather,
brain feels like its being tortured by a fork or dagger, neurons being stabbed and activated in an contorted manner,
off balance and dizzy like I’m falling from the tallest ladder, somethings lurking in the shadows the way moss in a forest gathers,

You had some solid continuity here. Although I think the underlined is a fantastic image, it doesn't appear appropriate in the context for this particular piece. You have a scientific setting. Mentioning the forest, was just too left field.

look at the time, noon is when the effects will subside, felt my temperature rise because the hour hand was next to the five,
saw an envelope across the room with a message inside, it said only to be seen by Dr. Pressinger’s eyes,
it read beware this elixir is the most aggressive we ever devised, the last professor survived, but after his session he has to wrestle with hallucinations of demonic possessions so i must stress it’s advised,

This is by far the most solid section thus far. But, the line I underlined, felt incomplete, though? You must stress its advised? What? Advise what? Kind've killed your momentum a bit. You could've solidified it with a few extra words specifying what needed to be advised.

to stop all self trials I’ve taken these vials and set them aside, I dropped the letter and immediately let out a cry,
the thought of living like this forever was the threat thats implied,

Apostrophe. It's THAT'S. Did you simply ignore the recommended spellcheck ? I'm boggled.

I felt a shadow controlling me like a marionette as a tried, to sort out the voices in my head as they became intertwined,

Missing a letter before tried. Lower case or capital, regardless, you're missing a letter. Playoff verses should be proof read. I deducted a point here.

It said “get in there! and take the pen off the desk”, so I took a moment to process this request,
then I made a absolute gruesome mess of my neck, the only thing that I’ll be learning during this test session is death ,
fell to ground bleeding, pen still in my palm, realized the voices I was hearing all along came from an intercom,

This verse needed a thorough rereading, because some critical missteps/mishaps are becoming more and more apparent to me. Your missing a word here. Which brings me to the conclusion that you either haphazardly put this together or you're making one two many simple mistakes.

when the observing practitioners rushed in the room I was practically gone , all of sudden my clarity was strong , final thoughts were ACE 11 works but the time release is all wrong

Dominate

We never got to face off. I got involved in season 10 a little later in the game. You staked your claim early on in the season. I looked back a few weeks, and thought that your battle with @Broken Hal0 was one of the best of the season. IMO, You didn't really make a real memorable impact, on the second half, quite like you did in the beginning: which is duly noted. The prospect of you champing the SOL and AOWL is commendable. I wish @sral would drop a vote!

Once upon an evening eerie, when the sky was bleak and bleary
and I sipped some cheap and cheery comfort from the bottom shelf
Taking a toke of tobacco, suddenly I saw a shadow
cast there over the piano and my silhouetted self
“It’s the maplewood,” I muttered, glancing out to where it dwelled
“only that, and nothing else”

You took a huge risk with this off kilter rhyme scheme. Usually your flow is more to the point, but here it was a bit long in tooth. That's not necessarily a bad thing, it just didn't feel like a Dominate verse. Sometimes "familiarity" can go a long way.

In such detail I recall it – it was past the prime of fall and
every tree that lined my lawn had lost its lustrous leafy shell
I sat alone then, grim and grieving, drinking well into the evening
drinking deep to cease the screaming, screaming in my head for Elle
For that sorry, sultry siren that I thought I’d loved so well
A conviction now dispelled

Intricate, but could've been rethought up, as well. It sounded scholarly, but it didn't have any real merit.

And the weight of what had happened in my burning, brainless passion
killed me – filled me with a sort of sadness I had never felt
So that now this outlined figure on my wall that faintly flickered
seeming only to grow bigger fanned the fires of my hell
“it’s the maplewood,” I echoed, drawing shades to break its spell
… and yet still the shadow fell

Interesting subtlety to the wording through and through. Points for "fanning fires of my hell" image.

Feeling now my heart beat faster, I stood searching for the master
of this spectre on my plaster born of shade that I beheld

"spectre" shows up errors and red. Happens.

And on noticing its placement, I turned hastily, impatient
to the room that stood adjacent where I’d hung a head of elk

I liked this. "head of elk"

“just the antlers,” I sighed, then closed the door to break their spell
… but yet still the shadow fell

Finding neither rhyme nor reason, my assuredness did weaken

Certainly more rhyme driven. Don't you think? I mean, it's based on a Edgar Allen Poesy meter, for crying out loud.

and the silence seemed to deepen as the fear within me swelled
For the foul, fantastic monster my imagination conjured
looming larger, fiercer, stronger, grew impossible to quell
And the phantom’s form felt foreign as of from another realm
yet… familiar as well

Some introspective right there.

“Is it you?” I whispered softly, fearing something there ungodly
like some spirit sent to haunt me from the deepest depths of hell
But the shade seemed not to hear me, though I voiced again my query
so, succinctly and sincerely, I then simply asked it - “… Elle?”
This I asked, and heard my voice repeating back the name of “Elle!”
Only echoes, nothing else

Solid. Started to find your voice here. Sounds a bit more "authentic"

Now I lost all my composure, - struck the wall, and shrieked for closure
Struck it over and then over with what strength I could compel
Fists so frenzied and ferocious, in the grip of a psychosis
and the beat of every blow was like the sounding of a knell
… like the beat of bloody blows with which I’d beat the life from Elle
Faithless bitch. I’d loved her well

Did you read "Kneel"?

And the shadow, so incessant, still is present, still is present
like a token of the essence that malevolence befell
And so far beyond redeeming, there my soul continues screaming
‘neath that shadow with its meaning as to mark me as its whelp
As the vile, abhorrent monster that no mortal man can help
This I am, and nothing else.

Final stanza could've really sealed the deal. This particular stanza, with it being the finale and all: didn't really end on a proper note for me. I think you missed a beat/opportunity to really hone in/focus in and ultimately it read a bit too "clumsy."

Overall

Best of luck to both you guys for a tremendous season. @Adverse anointed me the Mod of Season 11. I promise to plan to make it supremely compelling. I hope you guys show up and show out. IMO, it came down to the beat. I read Dominates to the beat, and maybe I shouldn't have, because it ultimately swayed it in his opponents favor. I did turn off the music to re-read it and I'm still deciding. The bottom line is, this battles more 2-1 than 3-0.

MVGT MIKE WRECKA

[Master Rock]

With Mike's prologue, I was expecting a lot more. This is far from mikes dopest verse, he dabbled into the subject of ADHD which I am quite familiar with . The part that stood out the most to me was, "somethings lurking in the shadows the way moss in a forest gathers"...that was my hook. I feel like he could of done more...but is verse was lacking in a sense. Dom on the other hand made it look easy, but definite use the great Poe as inspiration...which I have aspired to reach Poe's level...but in his verse you feel the madness increasing as well as the confusion...the overall essence has a darkness to it it the defines the subject accurately. Good job on both ends, But I'm giving to Dom.

[Master Rock]

4 for Dom,
1 for Mike.

Dominate Wins!
Close thread.