AOWL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: Frank (6-0) VS. zygote (5-1) [ZYGOTE WINS, 9-7.]

[Pent uP]

Zygote -- Man, I can honestly say I expected so much more from you. Nothing wrong with this verse except the concept is a bit...weak? empty? one dimensional? Dont know but it wasn't up to par with what I expected from you. The rhymes weren't as crisp or elaborate as I'm used to from you, the story wasn't as natural or relatable as I'm used to from you. The penmanship was all off in my opinion. It had its cool moments - toward the ending where the paperclip was like (paraphrased) "my only design is to ensure things are paperclips" that was dope -- the way you made him think but that, for a whole verse, wasn't very substantial of a verse IMO. I just dont have much else to say, im sorry.

Frank -- ROFL man that verse was dope, im not gonna lie. I mean it was simple, but thats what made it dope - partially. I mean there's not much to say here. You wrote the story and it progressed the way it was intended - you characterized and ran with the story in every way u were supposed to. I'm almost proud of you. I'm 90% sure this is recycled, but I can't prove it - and dont want to lol. Whatever it is, it was entertaining and I love the fact that it was aimed to be negative it was just HIS story good and bad and laid out in an enjoyable manner.

Overall -- I think the easy going tone of franks verse made his verse stand out more then the technical monster Zygote's verse tried to be. In the end though neither of those things matter to me. Frank broke the line limit - which isn't for me to judge. What is for me to judge is that he skewed the topic so much that he couldve dropped a recycled verse for all I know. I'M NOT SAYING HE DID BUT I'm saying his verse wasn't to topic and for that I gotta give the creative edge to Zy because his verse was directly on topic, and it was comical at that so

Zygote

[Objective]

Zygote: Interesting and creative concept. Fucking paperclips man, makes me almost proud to be norwegian to read this shit. Either way, it was cool to read your take on the topic. Who would have thought something as innocent as paperclips was the initial threat that lead to our doom? I also like how the entire verse is an annual report made by this machine or whatever and how it wants to expand its production to the rest of the world. Well done.

Frank: You're telling a story about Larry Quilt, a drunken dude that grew up sowing shit behind the curtains of his mothers shop as a kid. A depressing story of child labor and abuse that led him to poverty. At least he know how to stay warm, right? Decent story, but I'd like more ''horror'' to it and more about the ''deadly threat to the human race'' rather than just reading a story about a dude. There needs to be something more in the works for me, it's a great story with dope imagery and storytelling but it's not on topic enough for me. (At least not the written part of the topic.)

MVGT: Zygote. A clever plot that I felt was more on topic than Franks verse. Dope battle.

[Nigma]

Zygote, I really like how concise each and every word is throughout your verse. The point of view in this piece was wonderfully refreshing. The primitive/simian fear line really stood out to me. 100 trillion to the power of 100 trillion made me smile, nice hyperbole. This verse lived up to you unique persona, I certainly enjoyed it.

Frank, I enjoy the realness in your writing. Colloquial, but with positive connotations. You seamlessly take a noteworthy section of imagery and detail and follow it up with stuff like "Long story short ya'll... Eviction is a mu’fucka.
" You deff pull it off. Kind of ironic after just posting that quote as an example, but what I disliked most about your verse was it's length. You tell an awesome story but doing so using less words would, to me, be more impressive. I also feel you could have made a few more subtle connections to the topic.

I was really feeling the depth of Zygotes verse. You start off reading and the plot is like a double helix spiral staircase of raw intrigue. Best battle I've read so far this week, well done both of you

[Ink]

zygote:
The titles to your verses never cease to amuse me.
This kind of reminds me of my topic for this week on the movie Nine (shameless plug). Humans being destroyed by technology... Writing this from the perspective of the computer giving a standard report was pretty fresh and I liked how that enabled you to go from point to point naturally in your narrative.

Frank:
There was a line or two that stood alone and made me pause.. You killed that first stanza. I liked the second but as I kept reading the verse started to kind of fizzle off... It felt diluted by the sheer amount of words and lines in the verse... I loved the details, but even there it felt a little too draggy.. I feel like if this verse was half the length, it would have been a killer verse.. It's still good and I liked it.. but by the time I reached the end I didn't feel like what I got out of the piece justified the amount of lines I read..

Vote: Zygote

[patrown]

zygote- well, the word paperclip was a bit redundant.. but it's repetition also had a part in the mechanical feel of the verse in it's entirety. " a personal entry " was an interesting addition. i enjoyed the personality you gave to your ai, seemed real.. formal and distanced as one would expect..
I am only passionate about the production of paper clips, that is my drive.
a bit dry and straightforward. fittingly. had some very good rhymes. did the job you were going for, well.

/v frank- the rambling tone of the verse fit the character. sort of meandered around like i imagine larry might.
however, some of the word choices had me stop from time to time.. read, wonder.. continue. fittingly.
didn't rely on rhymes so much as storytelling.. character development was good, felt like i knew the guy.
although you didn't rhyme as much, i related to your character more .. so i gotta vote your way.

[King Ra.]

ZYGOTE WINS, 9-7.