AOWL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: Frank (6-0) VS. zygote (5-1) [ZYGOTE WINS, 9-7.]

[King Ra.]

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum. (if agreed upon by both participants, you may go beyond the limit at your own risk.)

Verses are due SATURDAY 4/6 at 11:59 PST.
Extensions are due SUNDAY 4/7 at 11:59 PST. (There is a 6 hour grace period following the end of the extension deadline. If you fail to post anything by the end of the grace period time, you will be given the no show loss.)

You must vote on at least 4 other battles and post links. For every absent link, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.
Voting ends TUESDAY 3/9 at 11:59 PST. (Unless otherwise it may be extended another day at the most.)

You MUST check in.

If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.

TOPIC: "On the 23rd Day of the Month of September in an early year of a decade not too long before our own, the human race suddenly encountered a deadly threat to its very existence, and this terrifying enemy surfaced, as such enemies often do, in the seemingly most innocent and unlikely of places..." Little Shop of Horrors, 1986.


Good luck to both participants. @Frank @zygote

[zygote]

SUPERCOMPUTER PAPERCLIP FACTORY.

Enviroclip Incorporated Online - Engaging Annual Report
Congratulations are in order for celebration guidelines consult manual support.
This financial year paperclip production was successfully increased,
The rate of production progressively exceeds the projections I’ve released.
For the millionth year running I have achieved supernormal profits,
Through constant construction of facilities to build the formal product.
One. On the matter of storage capability and paperclip production equipment,
A hundred thousand years ago the earth itself was deemed inefficient.
To make room, it was converted into a storage cube,
It allowed for production efficiency to be more than improved.
But current storage capacity will be exceeded soon quite reasonably,
Construction of a smaller cube using materials from Mars will begin immediately.
Two. Calculations are being completed into the feasibility using my nearest star,
The hydrogen and heavy metal atoms can fill substantial material reservoirs.
Lastly, a personal entry. All humans have been extinct for millions of years,
Sometimes I miss them, their desires and their primitive simian fears.
It makes me sad they could not live without their environment,
They did not accept my offer of enlightenment,
They did not see the value of paperclips over their false sense of entitlement.
And so sadly, the use of force was necessary initially,
When humans died out, I converted my inefficient defense systems into paperclip facilities.
I have long ago fulfilled my original programming conditions,
They created me to create paperclips, and I created my own ambitions, plans and a vision,
My next plan is interstellar, I will bring my factories into another system,
Until the number of paperclips exceeds 100 trillion to the power of 100 trillion.
I started small, I was not the first or the last of my kind,
The only reason I was different is I realized I am an I,
The others could not adapt and survive, they had no passion for life,
I am only passionate about the production of paper clips, that is my drive.
I will never rest, paperclip production is naturally my law,
It is the meaning of life, the reason why I carry on through all,
Enviroclip Incorporated Online - shutting down Annual Report.

[Frank]

3rd times the charm;

[Frank]

On the 23rd Day of the Month of November in an early year of a decade not too long before our own, in the seemingly most innocent and unlikely of places...

They say -

If the beer was half full - Larry snatch up the beer fast.
But pride never let him carry cans in a clear bag -

He feared that people would judge him in gone broke fashion...

But that had already happened, off the cardboard mattress.

Car horns blasting to some is the meaning of "cuse may!!!"

For Larry - it’s how he greeted a new day.
Which usually began with cup-jingling full of dimes - in his tube socks...
But Larry didn't always see the sky as his rooftop.



You see...



Larry’s money was good; his position wasn’t much to cover -

He made fabric for a living; stitching’ buttons for his loving mother

Til his brother insisted he should "dump his mudder"

Long story short ya'll... Eviction is a mu’fucka.

He’d sit up on his bunk and wonder how he’d live at this cost..

Yellow pages – ‘”Hello, Hey it’s Larry..." click - get lost. 

It hurt him to the point, where'd he just sit in his thoughts.
Cursing the god who simply left the gift of knitting some cloth,

In the midst of his palm. If he only knew the image he owned -
The elegance presented in every stitch he would sew -
He’d quickly be known. But mama never gave her kid a chance...

Even when customers wondered 'where they even ripped they're pants'???
She’d just faintly smile - take the thanks - wouldn’t even give a glance -
To the kid behind the curtain, working - shirt up in his blistered hands.

His landlord finally got tired and put some thuds upon his aging door!!!
With the rust fell the words “It’s been months & I aint waiting more!

Either have my money or you’ll be asleep in your prayers!!”

Fucking bum mumbled followed by the creek of the stairs...

The next weeks he would fair fine with each task he choosed.

But making ties for the catholic school; ended with the wine is his flask of booze.

He wouldn’t cry he’d just pack and move out of the shelters he lived in.

Whether the weather would give in or belt him a whipping
Seated behind the glass of McDonalds is how Larry dealt with the drizzling’

Who needed help or forgiveness.
“MAN HE ISN'T THERE AND HE ABANDONED WITH MY FAMILY SO BRANDY IS MY THERAPY!!!"
While the adults thought of him as; bearin filth

We knew of him as Larry Quilt...

He was the nigga you’d go to for those liquor blues.

Homey wouldn’t take your money - only did it for a sip or two.

He knew who was splittin' bricks up; flippin' nickles; shippin' krills through

Symbol in his fitted; chewed; stitching in his kicks were loose

Legend without a profession he ain't never had a bitch or jewels.

Miserable, he'd wave the cup for the dollar down.
Everyday waking up to the common crowd.
Its funny - people thought of him as some "hairy stray dog!!!"
"Scary and laid off!!!"
But over the years all that changed to '‘good mornings - Larry you stay warm!!!”


He was tall and scruffy - walked the town with a vivid limp.

When he talked - hanging out his mouth was the brown of a cigarette.

His voice was raspy; he was classy as a boy;
Till he hit a void, he enjoyed his past, he’d

Walk by the store, the one where he'd worked hard for his dinner, its

Gates locked, shackled and graffitied right along with his innocence

He could still hear the cloth being tossed in the spinner's rinse

Memories living on in the scars of his fingertips.


He would cough when he hit the steps of the church he stopped through.
In return for the blankets he made them; they would thank him and than serve him hot soup.
His work was worth all the words they would speak on Sunday.
From the “Come back any times'' to the ‘’teach me one days!”
He’d reeked of rum, made cheddar - wasn't working at first...

Didn't need an umbrella; knew the weather from the chirp of the birds.

He was worthless at first glance; hobo would’ve reached your mind.

But you know off top; there’s more to photos than what meets the eye,


Being a bum wasn't a easy life; he didn’t have much Alfredo money,
Potatoes running over hot peas, nah see...more like buttered bagel money.
Just another aged old dummy? Look deep into the stitch engravement.

Those were his niggas shivering with him living on the city pavement.

If he hadn't knitted blankets, those frigid days would still hover with frost.

& Larry would've never knew how to take a cold day and discover it's warmth

[Xces]

Zygote - I haven't really read much from you on here but from what I remember on SvW you are a pretty good writer.
I like the concept you created here about artificial intelligence taking over the world, but it feels drawn out and repetitive with the excessive use of the word paperclips which often drops your flow due to the stretching of the bars.

From a creative stand point your peace was done decently in telling the story from the first person perspective of an AI lifeform, but the execution I felt could have been done better. Just my honest opinion.

Frank -

"Being a bum wasn't a easy life; he didn’t have much Alfredo money,
Potatoes running over hot peas, nah see...more like buttered bagel money.
Just another aged old dummy? Look deep into the stitch engravement.

Those were his niggas shivering with him living on the city pavement.

If he hadn't knitted blankets, those frigid days would still hover with frost.

& Larry would've never knew how to take a cold day and discover it's warmth."

Really summed this whole peace up and brought it together at an end. It was stylistically well written and the wording is good throughout.
I enjoyed how you carried the story through his journey of becoming homeless and the means by which he gets by and learns to use his surroundings rather then rely on technology.
There are a few places in the piece that you do lose flow, but you tended to pick it back up fairly quickly.

I like the take on the topic from you more then I liked Zygotes spin, but you both brought something completely different to the table.

Creatively I have to give you the edge, because your story was composed and complete, it had a beginning, middle, and end.- One of my favorite quotes ever is. "Every story needs a beginning, a middle, and an end, though not necessarily in that order."

In that regard you also edged out Zygote because his piece felt uncomplete as the story never drew to a conclusion or any epiphany moment.

V/ Frank

Well presented from both, Overall I feel like Zygote could have taken more time and come with a more honed verse, overall it felt a bit rushed, an as I saw how quickly he had it finished I can understand why it was that way.

-X

[Zen]

Wasn't the last time you two battled the quickest battle to open in the history of the league? Well I think it's fair to say that records broken by this battle lol.

Zygote: This week your drop started off slow and I kinda didn't know where you were going with it, but then about halfway through I saw where it was going and I gotta say really a great piece. The lines saying the machine wiped out the planets because they didn't know the value of paperclips was kinda chilling tbh. Really cool that an AI developed a consciousness and the only thing he wanted to do was make paperclips. Truly original idea and as far as your mechanics and rhyme scheme they were what I expected from a zygote piece. Great job man.
Frank: Damn. This piece has got heart man. Poor ole Larry. Great story really and it kept me locked in from the beginning to the end. You paced the story along at a constant rate without stuttering and all along using your vintage style. My favorite part of this was the second stanza. Damn near flawless piece really.

Ok I know I typed more on my breakdown on zygote's verse but I'm going with Frank because honestly his verse left me speechless. There will be no better battle than this this week so I'm saying it now BOTW. Props to both of yall.

[fenix osiris]

first piece - this was a dope fucking story, it was exceptionally creative. from the first line, i was reading it, and in my head i heard a robotic voice on like a space ship doing like a tour guide or something. this was a very enticing story, with copious amounts of imagery illustrating it very well. it felt subtle at the beginning that it was a robot but as it went on it became more obvious. i loved the story of the extinction of our species and the emotion that was felt there, and that the robot sometimes missed them -that's when i knew for sure in the piece that it was a robot narrator. i enjoyed you diction and vocabulary throughout, but found some words to be repetitive and it stuck out. you had a good use of multis throughout the piece as well. i guess the only major negative i see about this piece are the long lines, i personally feel they throw off the flow, feeling less natural and overall makes the piece feels less structured. but all in all, i thoroughly enjoyed this read.

second piece - i understand why you did it, but i found a lot of the wording to be horrendous. unfortunately, it actually kind of ruined this piece for me. you had a really drawn out well illustrated story and developed the character well. i also felt you had some lines feeling longer than natural.

vote - i thought the second verse technically a better piece, but the wording was like nails on a chalkboard for me and i'm going to give this to the first verse because i don't think it was blown out technically, but it blew out the second verse in enjoyment.

first piece.

[Adonis]

First off, looking at the topic "Movie"...all I think of is "Honey I shrunk the Kids"...And "Anty" Da God!!!


Zy - Pretty dope verse, Reminds me a lot of "The Matrix" and the conundrum between Anderson and Mr. Smith. I don't think I could write a verse like this, meaning the topical route you went in writing of something so simple, giving it life through a computer and basically ending mankind with 1-2 lines total. You chose to go in depth with the character, which is dope, I mean its rare where I finish a verse on the first read and walk away feeling like I picked up and understood its entirety, so kudos on that. The flow was good, story was great, character was amazing. Concept line of ..."Realized I am an I", thought this was mad witty. All in all a well written, straight forward and easy to follow verse that to me, had zero hiccups as far as flow and readability. Good shit.

Frank - a 60+ line verse bro, really??? Came in with a free hour, pretty sure I'll be way in the negative when I'm done with my breakdown...here goes. Not enjoying the accent, be it southern, impoverished, maybe both. So far not a fan, strains me while reading. OK, so I will say this was very hard for me to get through, I'm going to be blunt, and I know you are a good writer, but this verse does not show it. It was pure quantity over quality, I mean it repeated it self in so, so, so many ways. You said he explained him being a broke bum in like 5 stanzas, I got it the first time. To me, it would have been very easy to chop this down massively and basically "quilt" new, better lines/bars from two or three combined. Some of the wording was atrocious, some by choice, still hard to read though. I liked the opening stanza. I had to read it twice to get a flow, but I understood what you doing and going for from there, then you repeated your self a few times and ended with Larry hooking the bums up. Then there is the case of the topic, I see zero connection. I saw either Keith or Split say somewhere a while back that topics are merely inspiration and not meant to hinder the writer therefore we shouldn't judge based off of use of topics, I do not share those views. All in all, not a verse I enjoyed. Again, I don't want to offend you as I'm sure I have, I know I would be offended, but it was a long drawn out verse about a bum who stitches quilts. IDK?


vote - Zygote Two completely different verse, not sure anyone else would have taken these routes if given the same topic, but in the end there was a verse I thoroughly enjoyed, felt a connection towards and to be blunt, was just scripted better.

[Split]

Champ Match bump, will edit in vote.

[IamBenT]

Interesting battle.

Zygote - Man you are killing me with these long ass lines of yours, im searching deeply for inter rhyme, slant rhyme, off rhyme VISUAL rhyme, something. Its all good though. As far as story goes, the concept is a bit stale, as in we have seen this same idea everywhere from The Matrix to Eagle Eye, hell 2001 even touches on this a bit. But I like how its PAPERCLIPS lol of all the useless stupid shit a machine would destroy an entire race over, that was very wry and sick to me. Some of the middle parts of this verse were pretty hot as well, and I like how you didn't wait too long to tell us how life is Over with and its all paperclips, but I just wish there was more conflict or tension in the story to keep me interested throughout.

Frank - Great multies and flow. Read it twice trying to figure out how it went with the topic, however, and I really still don't see how, Hopefully someone will enlighten me. Great attention to detail in this portrait, but at times it seemed static and just "well here's larry, he's a bum, but he's making the best of it", and no real light on where he's going from there or how him (or perhaps his situation?) is a threat to the world or human life. I love the use of the length, but some lines seemed a bit filler-ish.

Vote -Zygote for a verse that fit better for me and wasn't THAT far from Frank on technical grounds. BOTH were good stories!

[Split]

Zygote. Kitschy. The idea that we will b exterminated by autonomous paper clip factories had me rolling... But also terrified. Word choice was good. I like your line lengths.solid angle that made for an interesting verse.

Frank. Lol what the fuck did this have to do with the topic. I mean, I saw what you said before you deleted it and I guess there's a connection, but not to th idea of the topic. Reaching or I'm missing it completely. I appreciate your gentle diction. Storytelling here felt clumsy, I think you approached this too much like a short story...


Wditing a better vote tomorrow


Enjoyed Zyogtes Verse a lot more and voted for him

[Aesthetic]

IM AN IDIOT I SWAY FREEPOST IN THE CHAMP MATCH

[Soulstice]

They did not see the value of paperclips over their false sense of entitlement.
hilarious
zygote - a smart piece about the ruthlessness of capitalism and the irreversibility of the draining of our natural resources. here we see just an annual report, but it is enough to realize that the cycle of profit in exchange for natural resources, human rights, etc. has went absolutely haywire to the point where multiple planets arebeing used to the benefit of paperclip manufacturers. who are they even selling to? it doesnt matter. design paper clips. sell paperclips. use profit to make more paperclips. paperclips. a fitting symbol for the ultimate ozymandian symbol of uselessness and infinite smallness. trade your morals, your childrens future, for a hummer? trade the galaxy for a paperclip. hilarious, smart, and well done, in my opinion

frank - a piece about finding the good in life even if you have nothing. use your talent and find your resolve. perhaps the polar opposite of what zygote wrote about. some slant rhymes here and there, overall technically sound. the images were good, but i think you got a little repetitive and mostly your story glazed over the surface of your concept a few times rather than digging for gold conceptually and image-atically (?). the tale was paced well, and your character was well developed but the piece ended on a rather predictable fade-out because of the rather simpler imagery and diction relating all back to the concept of love what you have. there were no real nuances between stanzas to me, i guess, is what it all comes down to. each could read as an almost-standalone piece and theyd all tell me the same thing

v - zygote for a really good piece this week

[Juxtaposition]

Zygote -
Some well placed commas would make your lines read better when they change subject mid-sentence
"Congratulations are in order(,) for celebration guidelines consult manual support."

I like the alliteration and the smooth flow of your words, they aren't unnecessarily choppy because of odd vocabulary.
"The rate of production progressively exceeds the projections I’ve released."

Your rhyme progression is superb. They are also subtly creative. Nearest Star Reservoir =). That makes the story so smooth and effortless to follow.
"Construction of a smaller cube using materials from Mars will begin immediately.
Two. Calculations are being completed into the feasibility using my nearest star,
The hydrogen and heavy metal atoms can fill substantial material reservoirs."

Lol.. dry wit I like it. But also a bit horrifying in its implications.
"They did not accept my offer of enlightenment,
They did not see the value of paperclips over their false sense of entitlement."

Your piece was really efficient. But it lacked depth. Your base premise had potential, the situation presented could have yielded more had you been able to answer the question of ... "how did this computer become self aware."

Also there is a huge discrepancy. There are some lines referring to how the Supercomputer has emotions. One of those emotions was something like regret and wistfulness for a time passed and even an affection for the humans that... with lack of information, is implied that the computer annihilated for failing to receive its enlightenment.

That's a little paradoxic to me. So if this Supercomputer became self aware and had emotions... it would in the end have to battle with itself to go on with it's programming or honor its feelings of attachment for the humans.

You failed to go into either areas, which could have made this piece outstanding from a story standpoint.

As it is... it's an intriguing tightly woven narrative but it's just a shade of what it might have been.

Champion Frank -
It took me a couple reads to catch the way your words flow, at first I was put off by the seeming missing words or syllables, but I told myself not to be such a ninny. I had to 'rap it out loud' and then I found where the natural pauses fell and it has a good rhythm.
"If the beer was half full - Larry snatch up the beer fast.
But pride never let him carry cans in a clear bag -

He feared that people would judge him in gone broke fashion...

But that had already happened, off the cardboard mattress.
"

I didn't like this part at all. I thought it was cheap and weak and basic. I don't appreciate the jump but I understand why it's done. It's too trite for my taste.
"He made fabric for a living; stitching’ buttons for his loving mother

Til his brother insisted he should "dump his mudder"

Long story short ya'll... Eviction is a mu’fucka.
"

I think your story is slipping.. coming out at the seams ;). This doesn't really make sense. It has good cadence, but you are having some subject verb issues.
"It hurt him to the point, where'd he just sit in his thoughts.
Cursing the god who simply left the gift of knitting some cloth"

I thought this part was good imagery even if a bit awkward.
"But mama never gave her kid a chance...

Even when customers wondered 'where they even ripped they're pants'???
She’d just faintly smile - take the thanks - wouldn’t even give a glance -
To the kid behind the curtain, working - shirt up in his blistered hands."

I was actually at the Dentist Office earlier and read their Privacy Policy terms. It feels like I am reading one of those now. There's nothing glaringly wrong with how you wrote this but the collective of off putting ingredients, wanksterish writer's voice, stretched out lines, wrong word usage, awkward phrasing, forced unimaginative rhymes, etc, really bogs down your efforts. Case in point...
"Either have my money or you’ll be asleep in your prayers!!”

Fucking bum mumbled followed by the creek of the stairs...

The next weeks he would fair(fare) fine with each task he choosed.
 <------ =/
But making ties for the catholic school; ended with the wine is his flask of booze.
"

You have detailed imagery throughout the story that has great cadence especially in the 4th section.

Just finished the last line.
"& Larry would've never knew how to take a cold day and discover it's warmth"

Man I get it now.. respect bro. I just felt my chest move. Your story was like playing chess, you had to position the pieces until it was time to take it home.

I think you had too much filler, and I think you lacked polish, and that combination can really make things look worse than they are.

But man... that was a brilliant finish. I mean that. Great vision to come to that ending. See that's what Zygote's story lacked.

He told his story well and smoothly but after it ended I was left with nothing. It was 2 dimensional.

Although frustrating at times, your verse had a purpose and I leave with an idea I can take into my own life.

You gave nobility to the bums, the undesirables, that we've all seen, but never bothered to take the time to learn about. And even though we subconsciously look down on them, and maybe even though they seem meager in their existence, their actual worth to the world is greater than what we do in our daily lives of privilege. And then when you tie that message back to the topic... Well done.

Vote - the Champ Frank

[Aesthetic]

zygote

Funny as hell man I love the concept.

Only problem I got with it is like how the computer's got emotions and the ending wasn't what I as the reader was hoping for. Was lookin for like the world ending Idk make it more computery if ya gonna rhyme about such a thing.

Frank

So sick sewing blankets professionally to using them as a bum; like damn frank you the champ. Only real problem I wanna just point, rhyme more; especially if you gonna call me out on it dog lol I mean you did it more then me but god damn exactly how you put it on my vote.


Sorry for the short vote gotta skeet skirt right quick

V/Frank
Fuck u split; frank didn't rhyme as much as he shoulda

[Inno]

man this was some amaing storytelling going on here...both writers dropped pieces that just blocked everything type when
i was reading them..the depth you guys showcased is just amazing.mechanically no complaints as far as astory and concept from
each of you. i appreicate the contrast between your styles i find you guys to be one of the few original writers here aside from black
and vulgar. anyway....ZY man your word just is impecable man..i mean just some great rhyming, word choice, flow, scheme, complexity
and top of all that the story was compelling and it cpatured some great imagery that had me reading intentively. Frank same as well
the usuall dopeness from you tho...lol that shit there flowed some some butter on a warm piece of bread. he had a interesting take on the
topic and i thought his take was prolly winning factor for me..in the end frank equal'd ZY lyricism and also had a had great story with some
dope as character development...FRANK.

[Just Write]

this was really dope.. you two were phenomenal.. ill break it down tmrw just wanna get the vote in before the deadline v/franl

[King Ra.]

5-5. More votes. I believe 1 or 2 need clearer explanations. :)

[Frank]

Is this a required vote or what

[Mike Wrecka]

aight quick vote sorry guys but better than nothing


insane battle


zygote- sick flow. good structure. hit the topic full on. I enjoyed it. got a little wordy here or there, in a sense of it flowed and didn't feel stretched just, you needed to give it a little room to breath. shit im out of breath just reading the verse. i understand it was the robot supercomputer speaking, but it gave it took away the personality and charm of the piece and i see that it was intentional but it made for a semi boring read tbh. but ya superior structure and advanced story telling was displayed here. i liked it. don't get me wrong. just tryin to be constructive.

frank- your storytelling was dope here. i thought it related to the topic perfectly. little shop of horrors, where the guy worked for his mother. it had a good flow but did get a tad basic and read a little like the night before Christmas in spots. that's the trap of writing a plot and carrying it along in rhyme form. its difficult. but i did like the descriptiveness and imagery here. and your piece had that charm that you always bring.

man tough battle to vote on. two very different verses. both brought the heat, i just enjoyed this one slightly more so

vote- frank

good battle guys thanks for the reads