AOWL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: zygote (7-1) VS. Red glare (6-2) [ZYGOTE WINS, 5-3.]

[dead man]

ok, im am just going to run and in an attempt to make out something of substance so my vote is clear. even though zyogote posted first im starting with red. yo..ive been steadily surprised by how much i actually enjoyed your verses, or at least those that ive read. still not quite sure who you are in alias form but its all good. case in point, i think it was brave from a competitive aspect to choose the form of verse - hyper conversational, unconventionally structured in terms of letters and rhythm it was definitely a bit draggy from the jump but as i grew more adapted to your intentions it became easier to read. my main issue is a single contrasting point that distinguished your verse form zygotes. you gave a very literal take on what a flashbulb memory for truman would have been like. you put something on a projector and seemed to lecture and give context to quotes rather than carve your own project. you did not scrape into something succinct and unique from your historical discourse which is truly how it felt. dates, times, dialogue that seemed unfocused at times.. i think what harmed you was your deliverance. all substance, half summary, no style. i didn't feel anything human about this piece of writing except that it involved them. i understand your ambition and determination to write something epic to overthrow the champ and i think people's hesitance to vote on this battle may stem from a collective guilt to fault either of you for the obvious efforts put in by both parties. however nearing 100 lines covering the ground you ultimately were able to really just came off as a huge stretch. there were huge holes on your part that lacked anything except a bridge.. a transitory points between essential components which should have made up every line of this, being the level of matchup this was. that being said, i think it was a fantastic effort on your part to do your research to the extent that i'm sure it took in order to write a fucking behemoth like this. i know this wasn't just off your head man. and if it was you must read textbooks in your sleep. ZYGOTE unlike red, you almost threw us into a world where we're supposed to already know how to navigate. the references and themes you speak on are not discussed as a historical concept marked on a calendar but as a reality and something being as it is in the moment. this focused not on the literal parallel between truman and truman's life, or events in the period etc. instead it took a central trait and ran with it, not what the statement from truman said, but what it didn't say.. the Petr Vilshenko exposition was enjoyable not only from the standpoint of it's exploration of nihilism under hypothetical conditions but as a second layer, discussion on the consequences of power and leadership, and third as a single rhyme scheme verse that especially impressed given the precision of subject matter.. i will not go on any longer with this but im glad i decided to stop in and break down this battle in particular. red i think you have everything you need to champ a league even as talented as the AOWL - but you're relying too much on yourself, and not trusting the reader to meet you halfway. if you let some of that control go as a writer you'll be surprised how it stays afloat.

im voting for zygote.



thanks guys

[Split]

okay.

zygote, I see what you did, using the topic as a point of debate instead of the typical 'something you have to prove is correct' approach. If we were ideal voters you wouldn't need that explanation at the end etc. I didn't find your writing as effective as usual, the characterization was incomplete, when the meaning seemed to revolve around your protagonist's seriousness attesting to why he was still in office/ able to stand behind the decisions he did.

mechanics were ok. word choice was nice and so was the dialogue. really started off solid, then I saw you resorting to 'roll phrases' (I dunno if there's a real word) where you use a phrase you've used before/ a cliche'd phrase, backwards wording, or a noticeably prolix line in order to continue rhyming or fill space.

I'm not sure if this was intentional. Perhaps you edited well, and thought about how your verse was going to be read very carefully- in which case it merely felt artificial to me. This is some criticism that I would only note in a championship match.

Not a bad verse by any means.


rg.

He sliced the american pie; giving everybody his portion; on a plate of porcelain design.

excellent metaphor.


You really, really, really rambled. It was like an outline to an excellent piece. No offense: it is almost like you forwent transitions and coherency in favor of line breaks. The morbid sense of humor that you portrayed the president having was cool, as was making dialogue rhyme- however a lot of the flow/ rhyming was artificial from repeating entire phrases (more on that in a second). I wish the conclusion had been more solid, could have carried/ shifted the massive momenta of your entire piece into driving home a single point or twist

Mechanically, really bad with spots of good. Intro was cool and well written, after that, just impressively slanty end rhymes and good structure... lots of sections approached lyrical and simply did not

.
Truman didn't know about the plans to build atomic bombs, they had been so top secret,
Even the Vice-President of the United States was not to 'breach it.
About three months after Truman became President, the Trinity Test took place.
The Trinity Test was the code name given to the first atomic bomb to successfully devastate.
The Trinity Test proved that atomic bombs would work, if they were needed to be used in war.
In August of 1945; the United States was still fighting in World War II
Against the nation of Japan...
Told about the successful Trinity Test of an atomic bomb, President Truman followed through on what Franklin had planned.
It was his hope that the power of the bomb and the damage it would cause might be enough to stop fighting,
So, an atomic bomb named “Little Boy” was dropped on the city like a swat of 6 billion watts of lightning.
When the Japanese didn’t surrender after the “Little Boy” bomb destroyed Hiroshima,
President Truman ordered that a second atomic bomb, called “Fat Man” be deployed; to ether.
Several days later, as President Truman considered using even more atomic bombs,
The Japanese decided to surrender, waving the white flag; with the red dot upon

ew. sorry man. I was not feeling this verse. It was more like talking points than a topical or story.

Vote. Zygote's felt off-balance and a little than enthusiastically written. I get the feeling he did not like this topic at all. Red Glare, stop writing half-cooked masterpieces.

V/ Zygote for a more cohesive verse with an endearing angle, that despite feeling awkward, in my opinion definitely knocked the top off of Red Glare's rambling and loose-laced shot at greatness, that if it had come to fruition would have gone toe-to-toe with Zygote's par.

[King Ra.]

ZYGOTE WINS, 5-3.