AOWL Week 6: Vinzr (3-0) VS. Adonis (2-0) [ADONIS WINS, 12-0.]

[Frank]

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum.

Verses are due SATURDAY 3/23 at 11:59 PST.

Extensions are due SUNDAY 3/24 at 11:59 PST. NO LATER!!!

You MUST check in.

You must vote on at least 4 other battles. For every absent link, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.

If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.

TOPIC: "The Weary" - (selected by Adonis)

Good luck to both participants. @Vinzr @Adonis

[Adonis]

Check check...also just fyi to my oppenent. I sent a package of about 26 topics to Frank and he randomly selected this topic for us. I have no wrote to any of the 26 topics I PM'd him


Cereal Killer vs. Kuja

Objective vs. Ink


ZenLand vs. C.D.M.


Brass Body vs. TopicalDood5

[Vinzr]

Check

[King Ra.]

@Vinzr you owe 4 votes extra this week. Any missing votes this week will count as a deduction towards the final tally of this match.

Adonis is clear.

[Adonis]

Topic: Weary
Title: Tired

I'm tired of lies; the physical concealed and disguised,
The beautiful eyes covered by the color of skies,
Those brown Pearly whites – Hidden... Deprived,
The soft skin smitten; Written in spite,
When scriptures incite is mimicked and processed,
Verses penned in passion then fashioned on carved flesh,
Images of life and death... Images hard to digest,
A crown of thorn around a head... Rests around your neck,
Paid with debt, both gold and green are colors of conquest,
A viscous circle...The rims spin around the complex.
You're so beautiful... But I'm tired,

Tired of the fighting. The greed and gluttony,
The tummy tuck so the gullet can feed comfortably,
Where Lee Dungarees are the size shaped of a spoon,
and being skinny's force fed by the view in the tube,
These stars painted a whoreish hue. The toxins afloat,
The acid rains in throats, the trips down memories coast,
The growth of medicinal smoke the ashes lay waste,
The politic wars that the graves can taste,
The food's so impure. The genome cure.
The Mad Cow's doused in “edible” acidic spheres,
You're so beautiful.... But I'm tired

Tired of my only mistake.
Tired of trying to change you for Christ's sake.
Tired of hate directed at me with cause,
The loss of virgin boys that wear the cloth,
Creating more bullets then I can create souls,
The population control - The creation of wars,
Praying for more... A raise of income,
“Granted” - Buy a house – Back to square one,
The mortgage and fun, the college loan spent on ones.
The ones sent on stage to the girls who parade a display,
How great. You humans are gifted at making mockerys,
The climactic debauchery.... The “Oh God!”...It's me,
I'm disgusted and tired; no more mistakes.
You humans shall perish like my son on stakes.
I created you in a day; and in a day you'll be gone.
Earth persists and forgives... And now can finally live on.

[Vinzr]

INSOMNIA

Crippling fears within my sleep, lying awake - eyes wide open
The times have spoken. Lies stray unbroken. Dreams awoken
A stream of emotions, feelings are stroked and hot air elopes
The warmth of the cushion disintegrates, dark coldness evokes
He haunts my dreams; the rainbow falls, as the sky turns grey
The crimes we make tried to stray away until they found dismay
And until this day I thought this would pass as an exception to fate
Because killing wasn’t meant for me, can’t handle the weight
The victim’s spirit stays near me; I feel the tingle of death surround
There’s too much to notice, the stiffening atmosphere around
Close my eyes, darkness gets darker and everything tosses and turns
I try to fly my thoughts across the Earth but my face falls into the dirt
I’m now sitting in the corner, clutching onto my knees as I weep
Throw my face into my torso; trying to hide away cause I’m weak
Life has turned me sideways; my eyes are now drooping downwards
My ears were now screeching louder than any other sound would
A harsh life succumbed because of a mistake I made when I was young
Now the death dials my lungs and my body’s phone has rung
I would have given up almost anything to go back to the day I changed
The moment I pulled the trigger and took a life was when I became deranged
Life has been so strange, thrown me into different places and times
But now I’m at peace as I lay down beside my bedside without my life….

…

…

[Split]

Up4votes

[IamBenT]

Wow fantastic battle.

Adonis - What an epic piece. From beginning to end, the narrative is controlled, the scheme is consistent yet creative and varies at times to keep me from falling asleep, the boldface chorus is a fantastic touch which kept me reading all the way through and in suspense to find out who this was (a lover to a muse?? wtf?) and then you really brought it home in the end with a fresh perspective on the human experience. Really liked this verse.

Vinzr - I think this verse had a great deal of potential. Its obvious you are a master of flow and word choice, your ability to create mood and tension is evident as well. Love your treatment of the topic, but I just couldn't find a way to identify with your speaker or WHY it was so crucial for them to rest. The death twist was interesting and more could have been done with that.

Vote - Adonis for creativity and polish.

[zygote]

Adonis, enjoyed the social commentary in the second paragraph, it showed an overall view of general issues but with a personal tone. Felt like a conversation between the narrator and reader, and used language to demonstrate this world weariness/tiredness of the narrator. Last line was powerful in showing the narrators motivation.

Vinzr, only did not enjoy the death ending, even though you did a characterization of hopelessness to set it up well, it still felt like an unnatural ending. Perhaps, if you gave some more hints beforehand such as some suicidal thoughts, the ending wouldn't have seemed as strained. Also enjoyed how you gave allusion to the character doing something terrible to create the insomnia but didn't dilute story by unnecessarily expanding on it. Voted for Adonis.

[veritas]

Vin: your story was cool, but nothing breathtaking....there was not enough character development, and no reason to the season you feel me?? you got mad skills though, no doubt, just wasnt feeling this bro.

Adonis

Tired of my only mistake.
Tired of trying to change you for Christ's sake.
Tired of hate directed at me with cause,
The loss of virgin boys that wear the cloth,
Creating more bullets then I can create souls,
The population control - The creation of wars,
Praying for more... A raise of income,
“Granted” - Buy a house – Back to square one,
The mortgage and fun, the college loan spent on ones.
The ones sent on stage to the girls who parade a display,
How great. You humans are gifted at making mockerys,
The climactic debauchery.... The “Oh God!”...It's me,
I'm disgusted and tired; no more mistakes.
You humans shall perish like my son on stakes.
I created you in a day; and in a day you'll be gone.
Earth persists and forgives... And now can finally live on.

^that was excellent! I was feeling the enormity of that! mvgt adon

[Ink]

Adonis:
Loving this piece... You really brought the imagery, but on top of that, layered it with nice rhymes and flavorful wording. The skill here was really telling when you took ideas that we've seen over and over again, but still took a fresh spin on them. "memories coast," "covered by the color of skies," etc... all ideas I've seen before, but never quite seen spun that way. I do think that last stanza was not as great as the first two, but that last line was a killer way of ending the whole piece.
and to nitpick:

The politic wars that the graves can taste

Think you might have meant to type "political" >.>

Vinzr:
Ever read "And a Hard Rain Fell..."? There's a dope scene where the soldier kills a viet cong with a grenade and can't get the image of his dead body out of his mind... But anyways. "hot air elopes" was dope, but the following line... thought the "evokes" ending was a little strange... "evoked" would have worked better even.. but i nitpick. The idea of someone haunted by killing someone.. not a new idea, but always a cool one when explored right.. I think what hurt this piece was not enough of the backstory.. I couldn't get into the piece and see where your character is coming from... And for a first person narrative, though he's in a really distressed condition.. i couldn't feel that from the narration...

Vote- Adonis

[Inno]

vnzr

your flow is outstanding and the topic just came out perfectly with your word choice..great scene setting foreal
i thought the imagery you had was godam dope. plus you had alot of very cool lines like the elope line and the dials lungs line
where some example of your creative word use while still maintaing that impeccable flow...good shit.

adonis

this some creative shit i gtta say..your verse had so many layers of depth. first off the first stanzas where the lastl ine is the same
i thoought that was just clever and really emphasized the two verse as a strong image..dope shit..the last part of your piece
yo go hard dropping some incredible imagery and vivid descriptions...this was creative and well written.

overall

i got adonis for the simple fact her verse had so many angles to appreciate it from..vin had a dope verse but AD came with some fire
and a reall cool story as well for got to mention that...great battle tbh.

[Exoduzt]

Adonis: This was some very in depth writing. You sucked me in rite in the beginning and you kept my interest from beginning till end. This was classic story telling at its best. The second section of this piece was def my favorite

"Tired of the fighting. The greed and gluttony,
The tummy tuck so the gullet can feed comfortably,
Where Lee Dungarees are the size shaped of a spoon,
and being skinny's force fed by the view in the tube,"---this was great rite here

you ended it really nicely as well. The perspective you took on this was nice. Overall great verse

Vinzr: This was pretty good. i didn't notice anything that was crazy lyrically and the flow was just a bit too choppy for my liking. The way you looked at the concept was cool tho. The story telling was nice and steady. I was diggin' that. I wish you would have been a bit more in depth with it tho. A little more personal.

MVGT Adonis. Just an overall better story and piece overall. This was a great battle tho but Adoni in my opinion won this

[Cereal_Killa]

Adon:
Hot damn son.. my favourite part of this verse was the simple structure.. I mean at a technical point of view nothing is overpowering yet the content in each stanza is fucking outrageous.. 1st stanza - human’s described with a complete physical view, throwing in the occasional emotion to link n relate the reader.. 2nd stanza – Politics described as an insubstantial collective ie, viruses, chemicals.. 3rd stanza God himself becomes real, he becomes a character with a voice and a mighty voice of power.. which btw you done extremely bloody well :)
The Rhythm of this piece bounced like a ball from word to word.. And vocab itself perfect..

Fav couplet:

I'm tired of lies; the physical concealed and disguised,
The beautiful eyes covered by the color of skies,
Those brown Pearly whites – Hidden... Deprived,
The soft skin smitten; Written in spite,

^That’s a serious character description right there.. like woah cause at that point you had delivered us an image of one person so beautiful but yet rotten to the core.. N the twist that it represents all of us dope..

WOW nice one..

Vin:
Aussie, Aussie, Aussie lol.. Hey bud top piece, you captured the emotion deriving from a war torn solider perfectly.. whether they were in the army or on the streets you captured that feeling of sickness and regret spot on.. I think what you have is a gift at internal feelings, what you need to work on is tightening up those lines ie internal rhymes, multi syllables.. if you work on that with your soundly description of emotion and inner thoughts, your verses will run right off the tracks and be a force to wrecken with.. Nice drop none the less bloke..

Vote = Adonis

Ahh man Adon is a beast, the things he threw at the verse was incredible.. Vin did his thing but just got out weighed imo.. GL guys great read..

[Mike Wrecka]

ya nice battle guys.

adonis - very polished verse. it was easy to read while possesing complex structure. thats a huge compliment imo. as writers we should try to reach as big of an audience as possible, while not dumbing down our mechanics. you did this fantastically here. very much diggin your style.

Tired of the fighting. The greed and gluttony,
The tummy tuck so the gullet can feed comfortably,

loved the way that line sounds. good work. excellent take on the topic. the third stanza wasnt quite on par with the first two but awesome none the less.


vinzr - ive really enjoyed your two previous drops. this one not nearly as much. i like your style as well, but you lacked inner and multis which made it seem slightly basic in structure in a few spots. i appreciate what you going for, cause it was easy to read like adonis's was. it just needed a little more complexity in the flow imo. story wise it didnt have as much as i was looking for. good drop dont get me wrong, just not on the level you came last two weeks. with that being said, it was a very solid verse, good work and props deserved to you.

overall- adonis had a real strong verse and vinzr couldnt overcome it

vote- adonis

[Red glare]

adonis; cool verse; very personal and therapeutic for you I'm sure. I enjoyed it. You toned it down and I was strangely disappointed; still riveting. but not as daring;a writer of your caliber; i won't bullshit you; brown pearly whites was a highlight of sorts; i wasn't jarred this week tbh. still good writing never the less.

vinzr; very well done; self reflective kind of writing; writing was journal like; quite accurate depictions of your feelings mate; i think you have a distinctive view you may need to hone; because it is quite novelistic.

good battle here as well; nothing to be ashamhed of, at the same time nothing to write home about. know what I mean? v/ adonis; intrigued me a little more

[Vulgar]

Adonis - Not sure if you've heard the track "Oogie" by OneBeLo, but please check it out on Youtube. I read this verse twice and realized that the way OneBeLo delivers his verse; his tone, style and pacing, works great for this as I read it in my head or outloud. Your verse was about a disappointed God addressing his many creations on a filthy planet infiltrated by sin, undisclosed behavior and all the rest of the wonderful things we do here that rhymes with 'democide.' I liked the charismatically slow, patient way you expressed yourself from the perspective of a deity. It was also evident that your own personal voice was present here, possibly speaking about your own life from behind the role of God, because in a way we are all the "gods" of our own lives. We may not control all there is but we control what we do and think, for the most part. Interesting verse to read and nice rhythm throughout.

Tired of hate directed at me with cause,
The loss of virgin boys that wear the cloth,
^I wasn't sure what this meant. Is this describing the death of children in general or is it directed at children who get molested by priests or violated in worse ways?

Vinzr - There's a lot of raw energy here that I could vibe with. You really got into character, which is rare. It wasn't emo, which is also a rare feat for topics like insomnia, where one can resort to black tears and looking up at a ceiling full of demons very quickly. I think one of your weaknesses that you can work on is how you word your lines. You have opportunities to really take advantage of an idea but sometimes choose the mediocre, less awakening route. Like here for example:

"A harsh life succumbed because of a mistake I made when I was young
Now the death dials my lungs and my body’s phone has rung"

Didn't like how you said "the death." You could change it to just "death" which is logical but you unlocked something interesting here. Death could become a character in a similar way that Nas utilized his gracious grim reaperness. "Sleep is the cousin of death." What if death is crawling through the phonelines along the street where you live, blackening your brain with electromagnetic impulses full of suffering and undead dialect - I think you could've elaborated more on that concept and made it jump off the page more. My suggestion: Expand on that energy when the opportunity presents itself.

Nice battle both, I liked reading both of these!

Vote - Adonis

[PancakeBrah]

Adonis-

That first verse was bad, in my opinion. The first two lines in the second verse were very nice! Shaped of a spoon was also cool. But view in the tube? C'mon. I know what you're saying. But we're talking about this? Ok. Third verse, mistake and Christ's sake don't rhyme. And this whole third verse was...not for me, to put it kindly. Content was shite to me mate, to put it honestly. Rhymes and flow were nothing blowjob worthy.

Vinzr-

Thought I'd vote for you after reading Adonis's verse. Nope. Could barely make it through. Real simple shit. Did not like it.


this was suck

v/ Adonshit



lol, get it....adonshit?

[Soulstice]

adonis - nice. solid flow good imagery nice emotion. overall a polished piece that i cant complain about. the ending verse summed up the problems of the world nicely in a succint manner that didnt elave us bored and feeling preached at.

vinzr - also cool. emotion was good but flow was kind of stretched and the lack of complex schemes and inners hurt you. the topic was somewhat played out but the topics this week were pretty lame so i cant fault you. anyways i think adonis took it on all fronts here

v- adonis

[patrown]

/v adonis - “Granted” - Buy a house – Back to square one,
The mortgage and fun, the college loan spent on ones.
The ones sent on stage to the girls who parade a display,
How great. You humans are gifted at making mockerys,
The climactic debauchery.... The “Oh God!”...It's me,
i like how you rhymed. i can't really word it great right now but mockery to oh god its me was dope as fuck, and parade a display.. with the "how great." statement starting off a bar offered a kind of sarcastic simplicity i admire.
shown again here, "buy a house - back to square one" that shits golden. huge statements, a w hole verses worth in a few syllables. i admire you're writing the more i read it. you're hugely intelligent.. as sh own in this last quote..
The food's so impure. The genome cure. got a kick out of that next to a mad cow reference . kudos.

vinzr- it's hard for me to say why i'm not giving you the /v so i'm putting some shit in bold here to explain.
I try to fly my thoughts across the Earth but my face falls into the dirt
I’m now sitting in the corner, clutching onto my knees as I weep
Throw my face into my torso; trying to hide away cause I’m weak
Life has turned me sideways; my eyes are now drooping downwards
My ears were now screeching louder than any other sound would

i feel like all the places i bolded could have been replaced by more descriptive imagery. in these bars in particular if eel you had an extremely strong message that wasn't delivered to your maximum potential. i suck at times dont get me wrong - that's just the best piece of advice i can give you, and i give it sincerely.
Because killing wasn’t meant for me, can’t handle the weight
me neither. if i would've stepped up in the killing fields i wouldn't be marked for death. related to this a lot.
to many me's and i's here buddy. sorry to call you out on it so much but freal that's my piece.
But now I’m at peace as I lay down beside my bedside without my life….
get outside of me's and i's more, and i think you'll go very far when you're able to describe things the way you would see a scene in a high definition movie, rather than from a first person view on an 8mm tape. no offense, real talk.

good shit from both all the way.