SEMIS: (3)Vulgar vs. (7)Lars - (LARS WINS 7-0)

[PancakeBrah]

The Winter Topical
@Lars @Vulgar

Verse Deadline: 2/15/2014
Voting Deadline: 2/18/2014
Line Min/Max: 16/48
Extension/Line Extension by request. Must be agreed to.

Topic


Good luck to both.

[Lars]

I adored my Gramps and how fearless he used to play.
“Call it,”
“Black,” He sneered at the croupier.
The wheel was excruciating to watch as it sped
past the gleaning enumerations possibly left.
The polished roulette centre-circles turning beside each other
revolving against a whirling dervish of vibrant colour.
Certain; He slides a number of chips stood to his left
perfectly timed to cover his introductory bet.
As numbers descend into focus, the wheels momentum slows,
the ball jumps at one section while rolling – I feel the tension grow.
The sphere a metronome while bouncing from jaws
to jeers and pensive tones sounded by all.
Gramps scowls at the ball, I watch as he stands
open-mouthed and it falls into a pocket of black.

***

The hospital staff say it’s no good for his heart
that he’s got to relax and stop pushing so hard.
Gramps shrugs their remarks off, smiles at me blank,
before thrusting a card in the slight of my hand.
It read: “Life is a gamble, roll the dice,
find you an angle, know your price.
Throw the blinds up, make a profit,
but don't sit by just chasing losses.
Weigh your options, spread your bets,
raise the pot to get ahead.
Second best's unsatisfying,
never fret or have to buy in.
I've had a try and lost it all,
stacked them high & watched 'em fall.
Flopped and called with deuce and king,
dropped the ball on roulette spins.
Seen losers win and winners lose,
threw them in - then hit a fluke!
Missed a few and made a buck,
in pursuit of lady luck.
If you play for fun that’s all you’ll have,
but your day will come, I’m sure of that…”

***

I thought that Gramps had lost his mind.
I was too small to gamble - the slots too high!
I’d not a dime to bet or keep;
Was the rhyme meant for me?
I spent my teens and adolescence
endlessly just asking questions.
Had Gramps intended me to risk it
once his gambling tendencies rescinded?
Why need to bring this up to me
- a means of hinting subtly?
I took to read and retrace the lines
when another meaning came to mind:
The game of life has peaks and troughs
but play it right, you can reach the top.
You’ll need a lot of luck to best
and beat the odds you’re up against.
Some have spent obscene amounts
where others went and beat the house.
Clean ‘em out and hone your edge
before the dealer shouts there’s “No more bets!”
Hold it steady, check or fold,
composed as ever – let it roll!
Roulette had shown me life's hurried at a frenzied speed,
the ball they set in motion doubles as our destiny.
The jump at interventions relayed as past mistakes
and us coming to our senses to change the path we take.
The pace we travels made slower as we reach the age
to make our lasting place known before we leave the game.
The green and beige set the tone where most become unstuck
either way, you never know when your numbers up…

[Vulgar]

"Nicodemus the Insatiable One"

Nicodemus lived in an obscure crook of the countryside for most of his life
The loner type, he was born and raised around the odors of mice
Being a hermit ensured he existed meagerly at the nexus of solacy
He'd give wandering beggars apologies, for he himself was the essence of poverty
Gathering firewood one morning, Nicodemus was delighted to see
The flight of the bees; he rejoiced in his abode of soulful silence and peace
He invited his niece Genevieve for supper, feeling generously sweet
They settled on a tiny nectarine for each... his body had no memory of meat
Genevieve was pleased, playing with butterflies by the waterfall in the backyard
Suddenly an imp appeared in a midnight suit, called himself The Black Bard
"Greetings, young miscreant... I am Phineas of the Hypogeum of Al-Sufleini"
It drummed its craggly claws on the damp rocks, the twinkles in its eyes alternating
"Phineas? You look more like a Phil," the girl mused,
"Why have you come, O Thunderous Shiekh?"
Noting that the girl's sense of honor was tongue in cheek, the imp told her to jump in the creek
And by the gods of the forest... there was something beneath!
"Well, little lady, it seems you've happened upon an item of fortune,
which may or may not leave one of your Cherished One's inside of a coffin"
Genevieve was skeptical, cradling the glowing orb in her wet, muddy hands
First, she used it to conjure a wolf to chase away the Black Bard, then some fresh cuts of lamb
From the distance, she heard an echoing croon... "One wish left, little girl"
"Okay, Phil. I wish for my loving uncle to be blessed with all of the wealth in the world"
She heard a series of deafening tremors, the forest clambered to find its bearings
Where her uncle's shack used to be was a golden house garnished with diamonds & the finest pairings
Ecstatic with what she had accomplished, Genevieve ran into the house to tell her uncle the news
but he was already standing in the doorway in golden chainmail,
"Who dares disturb my wondrous subterfuge? This must be the summer of fools"
Genevieve snapped back:
"Why so hostile, Uncle? And why are you holding that shovel, you scrooge!"
She tried to playfully dart around her uncle but with surprising grace
The old man swung the shovel with full force, metal collided with the child's face
She fell lifelessly, this innocent faun who'd bestowed him with this miraculous gambit
He was cursed with the madness of malice -
weighed down by the riches in his new, enchanted spectacular attic

Nicodemus takes it all for himself... such a sumptuous lord,
He cremated his niece, then scattered her golden dust on the floor,
"You see," the Black Bard said, "all the wealth in the world turned him forsaken inside,
...content to rule over his tomb full of bullion until the day that he died."
The creature began waltzing through the greenery, the waterfall its throne
"When you are granted three wishes, only give unto others what the forest's grown,
Discard the hoards of bargained gold. For there is nothing in this world we can call our own..."

[Pinot Grij]

If I may vote....

Lars, really taken with the pace of the verse.. each couplet was nicely worded, but the short bar format made it fleeting and quickened it, leading me right into the next pairing. I think the diction was spot on - playing with gambling terms and rhyming them effortlessly... it kept things brisk and entertaining. The story itself, sure, seems a bit trite.. but the approach brought it life. I think it felt flat in the lines that transitioned from the letter to the contemplation of the words... the passage of time section, but once the character began ruminating the hidden meaning, it picked right back up. The interplay of life/gambling seemed unforced. There was a genuine feel to the story, really really impressed with the result.

Vulgar, completely different take and I liked the fantasy approach... the diction was a little spotty in parts, but the fantastical feel was always there - good job setting up the atmosphere. The first thing I noticed by comparison to Lars was that the lines seemed to run on a bit more... more work for the payoff. I was troubled by 'solacy' - not a real word, so that detracted from the feel for me as it opened up. Although I liked the story as a whole, a few things jumped out at me... such as the uncle being ready to bludgeon his niece to death mere moments after he "becomes rich". I think if there was a little more build up to show his internal jealousy, it would've really added depth overall. My main impression from the battle as a whole was that it seemed Lars was very fluid in his storytelling and Vulgar's piece was just a little more choppy - it jumped around a bit.

My vote goes to Lars for a more fluid execution... I got more swept up in his story and it had more feeling overall for me.

[Frank]

Keep it brief.

Vulgar is one of a kind creative writer. His problem/gift is: he can be head scratchingly abstract. Beyond the scope of the feature picture, I don't see the slightest inkling of correlation to this topic in the least bit. I feel as though once you posted that paradoxical picture, you lost indefinitely basically forfeiting any chance of winning this. You don't add another picture to a picture battle. Probably should realistically be disqualified for breaking a golden rule of topical crusades. If I were you, I would delete that picture and force the mind to bend to the actual card playing picture before this goes into uncharted waters. This could get ugly. Dope open mic piece though. Don't know if it would matter much to be honest, this piece lars dropped was powerful. Last line was too surreal, story telling was like a flip book. The imagery and character and pacing and finale make this verse practically unbeatable in correlation to the picture.

I got Lars with the Tko

[Just Write]

I had a more in depth vote but i clicked enter on my phone and shit fucked up and when i went to reload the page my vote was gone but im goin with lars for pretty much the same reason as frank. Both were really dope verses but only one stuck to the topic.

[oats]

my votes have finally been assailed by the failed reply button, so I'll try to recapture the magic of my previous vote

Lars: This was dope storytelling. I'm always impressed with how you can provide substance while maintaining a strong flow and rhyme scheme in such short lines without sounding awkward or forced at times. The story was paced well - it moved quickly, but I was still able to linger on the parts that I enjoyed long enough that I understood what was going on and could become enveloped in the story. I enjoyed the comparisons of life to gambling, though it seemed a little Kenny Rogers at first, but by the end it started to pick up more meaningfully - I wish those comparisons developed more, and sooner.

My main gripe here was the missed opportunity of characterizing the grandfather. I wanted to see his scars, find hints of what made him arrive at that knowledge he bestowed upon his grandchild. I think it would have paid off to know him a bit more. Overall this was a strong verse with crisp writing, but could have been developed more conceptually.


Vulgar: The moral tale of the ills of money is one that most can easily get behind, and it was an interesting angle to take from the picture. I enjoy these fantastical musings - you're always deft at creating an atmosphere to match your writing.

As far as the story goes, I think there were some pace-related issues. First, the niece who just jumped into a river for basically no reason. If this was just a detail, no problem, but this was a crux of the story; if she didn't unearth the orb, there would be no story. This moment seemed to brisk by much too quickly. Same with how the uncle was immediately thrust into murderous violence. Even in a fantasy world, these elements were not believable to me, and they struck me as abrupt and rushed.

Beyond that, I'm finding it hard, after multiple re-readings, how this came from the picture given. Perhaps your approach was just so peripheral of the picture that it's just not registering with me, but the tiny connection I picked up on of wealth/gambling seems a bit thin. If anything, this angle struck me as a poor strategy for the picture, a gamble if I must. I don't think it paid off this time.


Vote: I think Lars got it. Vulgar attempted more, but succeeded in less. Lars played it a little on the shallow side, but was successful in what he was going for. Good match to both men.

[Certain]

Lars: Your style is assertively reader-friendly, so crisp and polished, loaded with rhymes. It's unfortunate that you sometimes lose votes (if not battles) for the directness that I think often is your greatest strength, but we're still at a point where people mention "vocab" as a point of praise or fault. Your diction here was outstanding because it allowed the message of your verse to shine. The use of a child as our narrator was a really wise choice here to juxtapose the picture of old men. We get that sense from the first line, but you never hit us over the head or let this verse become an unnatural description of that narrator. The content itself was a bit simplistic, but the way you delivered it made this verse seem like something more. It reminded me a lot of some of my old topical approaches in that it stuck to a clear central method and expounded with wit and lyricism. Adding in the narrative frame was crucial to executing, but you did that well. This verse was a fine showing of what you bring to the table, what has made you such a rock in the topical battle community for a decade.

Vulgar: I understand that this story did relate to the general theme of the topic, but I thought it missed the mark a bit. You chose to focus on wealth, but look at what they're gambling. Aside from topic issues, this verse was good. It had the feel of a ZYG verse, with its central moral and universal truth, like a fable in rhyme. Your rhymes were weaker than they normally are, though, and in some cases it became a distraction. At your best, your rhyme depth and schemes are as good as anyone's, but here, you put the pressure on the story. And the story wasn't particularly original or completely thought through. The girl wished for a cut of lamb? That was strange. I'm not sure I understood the decision to name the main character Nicodemus, either, other than that he needed to have a name of some sort. Quibbles aside, there were plenty of things to like. I liked the way you characterized Genevieve through all sorts of small things, like her calling the imp "Phil" and showing off some lip to her old uncle. You underdeveloped Nicodemus' transformation, though. There was some potential here, but it wasn't fully realized.

Vote: Lars

[Split]

This was a good battle. Vulgar focused on the shades of gray between joy and greed on an almost philosophical scale. He extracted one aspect of the topic and applied it to a scene of his choosing. Lars took a more wholesome\\ natural approach by treating the topic as a picture within the moving slides of a cinema reel. Lyrically, i think the only factor that separates the two of you is style and not skill. Vulgar had me digging more for a common thread tying his characters, scenes etc.

I'm breaking my own rules and reading other votes for help in explaining my feelings on this clash. I think Oats said it well, that Vulgar attempted more where Lars played with fewer pieces on the chess board. But perhaps a complicated, obfuscated move on a chessboard when contrasted with a quick and incisive checkmate can be seen as more masterful and enjoyable despite less visible results. Vulgar toyed with notions and undercurrents of thoughts that Lars could not in his simpler attack, but I do feel that the rumbled stirrings of greatness in this particular Vulgar verse could not be made out to be more than ambient tectonic acoustics in the subterranean dwelling of the Earth king, and i felt alone in his hollow tessellated biosphere.


V/ Lars for a more resonant and precise written

[dead man]

alright. BARON. it is really no surprise to me that you've made it this far. through entire generational revolutions of 'forum writing' you have retained your own style that sort of defines 'topical' in a very conventional way. it is complex in content, simple in form. you shine in the sense that your language is universally accessible but you can encompass very provoking ideas within them. i think your take on the topic was well done. certainly straightforward, but emotionally impactful. i think my main issue with your submission was the fact that it literally, beside for the contextual facts or events (grandfather was a gambler, he is dying, note is passed) was one long running metaphor and that's it. a lot of clever lines that relate "life and death" to a visit at the casino. i could write one right now about clocks, or time, or bedspreads, or a visit at the DMV. it's not difficult. and this is probably why i consider this type of approach such a basic unit of 'topical' endeavor even though it is by and large the traditional approach. like i said - i am not surprised you've made it this far and have almost certainly already won this battle. you have a direct bullet and a knack for communicating an idea without overcomplicating it's premise for the sake of flexing a creative license. it's simple and clean and has clear advantages for many over somebody like vulgar who writes more cryptographically by instinct. like pancake says, it's dialed in. this is your baseline approach and you do it well. i enjoyed your verse greatly but really find myself wanting more from a semi-finals matchup. i enjoy food for thought and this fell a bit short of that. if only because i find myself wishing you had cut half the lines and explored something else as opposed to using all your space extending the same parallel. good idea, great writing, neat and clean in a tiny bow. with the latter begin your problems.
VULGARITY

"You see," the Black Bard said, "all the wealth in the world turned him forsaken inside,
...content to rule over his tomb full of bullion until the day that he died."

ok this is clearly the crux of your verse. this is why jenny was killed with a shovel. this is the action that supports the entire foundation. where you went wrong this week was trying to adapt to Lars' more conventional story-telling method as a strategy, when highlighting your contrasts would have been much more effective because you normally have an advantage to that end. your abstractions are often times more interesting to the average reader than, say, a clear-cut running metaphor type of verse like you were paired up against. most of us have been reading, writing, and voting on these sort of matches for quite some time and have a pretty clear categorical method for breaking verses down. i think your crucial failures were the static plot jumps that existed in your story. it never felt like a steady, smooth progression like Lars accomplished. it was ever flickering and fluctuating from one moment to the next. he is a loner, all of a sudden he is with his niece, she jumps into the water cause this imp shows up? finds an item that grants her wishes, gets lamb? idk man. i find myself reading this as i would a folktale, which is sort of the personality you gave this verse but even then, it remains a bit of a jarring experience. basically - i think the crux of your verse, the line quoted above, ultimately fails to explain why Genevieve is dead now. there isn't enough convincing psychic substance behind the character's actions in order to make them believable or relatable. it distances us rather than brings us closer to your writing, whereas your normal approach always makes me feel like i am getting to know as a writer you in your true form. Lars has these sequential plot lines dialed in, and you simply do not at this point. it comes down to this. i was rooting for you. i am not ashamed to admit that i was more excited to battle you in the finals and for this reason, flat-out wanted you to win this battle.

however, these biases cannot distract me from the fact that Lars simply out-performed you this week. he accomplished what he set out to do, and you did not manage to counter with strong enough force.



VOTE BARON MYND AKA LARS