Week 2 - Mr. J (1-0) vs. breathless (0-0) - MR. J WINS 9-4

[Mike Wrecka]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png
Season 2

Rules

Verse Due Date - Thursday 23:59 PST

Voting Deadline - Sunday 23:59 PST

Line Limits - 16 - 48 Max can be higher if both agree

Voting - Must vote on 3 battles and post voting links in this thread , preferably edit it in the check in

If you don't vote on 3 battle you will be given a loss
If you lose by votes and don't vote on other battles you receive a one week suspension


Topic

It's not whether you get knocked down, its whether you get back up. - Vince Lombardi




Good Luck Mr. J breathless

[breathless]

Checking in...stantly.


It's gettin' real, with a couple beers and a couple a' bowls.
I can feel what's under here, what's under my soul.
The odds are one hundred to no chance that I'm comin' home
with the goals that I had being done, but it won't last. Nope.

I think I've just had my last epiphany.
Watched the wrinkles of my past fold back to a different me.
Been growin' old fast, and probably missin' pieces
that I know I shouldn't have, but my grasp just didn't reach.

This is where the middle meets the means to the ends.
You'll know it once the little things show their meaning through the end.
When you hit the peak, realize its the highest you can fall from,
and understand that landin' on rock bottom isn't when its all done.

It's the easiest spot to try and crawl, 'cause, there's nothin' lower.
See, you've gotta climb the walls, son, up and over...
but don't sweat the small stuff, its called trust, and too much exposure.
With a little bit of false luck the faults will run and become the closure.

That finalized moment you notice the cycle is broken.
That vital, prized notion of open minds once its chosen.
If you survive it alright, don't fight when there's no sense.
You might be the one alive, but those other lives ruined won't end.

[Mr. J]

Broken again...all my hopes they just go with the wind
like I give a damn, I'm hoping this second breath poses as a friend
give me a hand...especially when we close to the win
I fall back, let it fadeaway...thats when I start choking again
they say, practice makes perfect, the gym floor creates purpose
and on this concave surface it's a far stretch that has my soul searchin'
some would never get it, but they cheer for me when i lay hurtin'
got me gassed up, regular unleaded, and now it has my brain burstin'
took it far as I could get it, trying to forget it but that's over time
if you got the ball in your court you won't get close to mine
don't take offense, with your defensive ass, I know the life
win some, lose some, truthfully am I supposed to lie...
I rather lay up in the spot, graceful with it, call up Larry Bird
couldn't get where I traveled unless they had carried first
that's blood, sweat, tears if you understood all this scary work
crown me King, read into it all and see what it's rarely worth
the rest I just play off, waiting to accept the end & the title
put everything I got into it, fall & rise I just pretend it's final

[Dove Dozer]

I really enjoyed this battle. You both flow similar.

Breathless - this was nice. Perfect cadence as I read along. So it was a seamless read with no breaks in the pace, it had that wise introspect to it that came off nice, multies were nice. All around great verse, many dope lines.

Mr. J - as I read your verse the flow was nearly the same as breathless, some real nice lines as well, I loved your opening 2 lines. Great verse man. However I felt it was over too soon.

Vote - breathless

[Scripter]

I agree with Dove these pieces do seem to have an alike flow.

breathless - I believe you did a great job of describing the topic. Although toward the end it seems a little less focused.

I really like this bar because it uses a multi and the word play does a great job of describing detail.

"I think I've just had my last epiphany.
Watched the wrinkles of my past fold back to a different me."

This was probably my favorite part. It gives a up and down feel, which describes the topic well and you managed to create a visual as well.

"This is where the middle meets the means to the ends.
You'll know it once the little things show their meaning through the end.
When you hit the peak, realize its the highest you can fall from,
and understand that landin' on rock bottom isn't when its all done."

Mr. J - I believe you had a great start but seemed to lose some focus toward the middle.

I believe you had a good opening start. This really captures the topic and gives the feel of giving up and trying again. I really liked the clever word play.

"Broken again...all my hopes they just go with the wind
like I give a damn, I'm hoping this second breath poses as a friend
give me a hand...especially when we close to the win
I fall back, let it fadeaway...thats when I start choking again"


Overall this was a hard one to decide but I liked breathlesses word play and multies a little more.

Vote - breathless

[Zen]

breathless- I thought this was a pretty good showing this week. I'm not sure if I'm just reading it wrong but the flow didn't come off as effortless to me as the others have described it. I think it might have been from some typo's like the being done line. That line really made no sense to me in that context. The strongest portion of your verse was the fourth section. Very nice there. Good job.
Mr. J- I felt your flow had no problems at all and the shit came off effortlessly forreal. It was a short piece but it was straight to the point and got straight to the point. It was nice. Nice multi's and a great flow made this a nice read.

V/ Mr. J

[Mr. J]

i voted on the 2 other battles that are open as of today....

[NYCSPITZ]

I liked both verses and it was hard to decide imo. I liked the peaks of breathless' more than the best portions of Mr.J's but felt Mr.J had a better story and cut to the chase in a manner that allowed me to connect better to the subject matter. Cool battle thanks for writing.

V/ Mr. J

[Just Write]

yo this was a dope battle. my favorite I've read this week so far, i'm not gunna quote either of your pieces because they were both dope to me. however I will point out that I felt more emotion in breathless' piece and more control in mr. j's.. I don't know if anyone else caught what you did Mr. J but I did. bravo on the basketball talk throughout the verse. seeing as how this is "creative writing" that helped to win me over as I love shit like that. truly the hardest decision I made out of the 3 battles I voted on, that's why I hit this last. anyways mvgt- Mr. J

[Mike Wrecka]

ok cool battle. good work fellas

breathless - first piece ive read from you. you could write but I found some of your end rhymes to be unusual choices.

The odds are one hundred to no chance that I'm comin' home
with the goals that I had being done, but it won't last. Nope.

home and nope doesn't work for me

Been growin' old fast, and probably missin' pieces
that I know I shouldn't have, but my grasp just didn't reach.

pieces and reach doesn't rhyme either. a few lines later you use end as your end rhyme two lines in a row. the rest of the piece worked I just don't understand why you deviated from actually rhyming in these sections. overall a solid piece.

mr. j - I think this wasn't as strong as last weeks submission. it had good flow but it did lack some emotion that you had last week. it was a good verse not great. I didn't like the larry bird line. didn't seem to fit.

overall - breathless had a good verse going but really didn't rhyme enough for me. some end rhymes were off and he had no internals and need a few more multis. mr. j was good enough for the win this week imo

good battle guys. thanks for the reads

vote- mr. j

[breathless]

So, its a hassle to copy and paste all the links with my phone, but I will if deemed necessary, I've voted on three, and will probably vote on the other tomorrow, my thumbs are tired...

[Certain]

breathless: This was a good introductory piece. Your writing was very smooth, with a natural bounce to the rhymes. The diction was conversational in a good way, the type that shows you're trying to sound like you're not trying, which is what a lot of good writing can be categorized as. The flaw is that you didn't go too far beyond a literal and think take on the topic. You spent most of the verse dealing in axioms and turns of phrases that didn't really mean a lot or ground your verse and its central conflict in something relatable. Welcome to the league, though.

Mr. J: This is a step back from last week but another good showing from you. I also wrote about a basketball player coming off an injury (which you can read in the Open Mic forum), but mine was much more specific. You tend to recline into a general topic and go off in many tangents a lot, and that's clearly what happened in this verse. But you're a good enough writer to pull it off. "Couldn't get where I traveled unless they had carried first" is a really, really strong line. The flow and mechanics were standard for your verses, and the take on the topic was just a bit more nuanced than breathless', though this battle is close.

Vote: Mr. J

[Objective]

Breathless: I think this is the first piece I've read from you. I enjoyed the read for the most part but it wasn't anything mindblowing as you had a kinda predictable, literal and safe approach to the topic given. One idea to how you can be more creative is trying to think how you can incorporate what you got now to a more engaging story with one or two more characters involved and a plot that really enhances the topic given.

You did have some dope lines here and there, this for instance: ''Watched the wrinkles of my past fold back to a different me.'' Loved that one, but the home/nope-shit was pretty wack seeing how your rhymes was mostly on point elsewhere.

Ye, enjoyed the read but there's definitely room for improvement. If you listen to what people say and you stay in the AOWL I think you're going to improve a shitload. Keep it up, looking forward to see you progress in the league.

Mr.J: Dope intro and the rest of the verse was decent. Nothing that I could really engage in though. Why are you broken again? Why do your hopes just go with the wind? Why are you/the character so emotionally invested in winning? It seems to me like you're leaving out amazing shit that would make your piece 100 times better. I can see you got mad potential but you aint bringing it out there, get some depth to your story and you're going to write some dope shit.

Vote: Thought both verses were kinda bland, Breathless had some cooler profound quotes and Mr.J had somewhat of a story to go along with his stuff. I enjoy stories that's thought out a bit more while still being on topic so my vote goes to Mr.J. I can see potential in both of you, just stick with it and listen to the feedback given. Peace.

Edit: Both of you should think about some of the stuff I said and analyze the NYC vs. Vulgar battle this week to see how they approached and executed their topic.

[King Ra.]

This is another close match up here as with the Vivid/YDK battle. Breathless, you had some lines in there I thought was pretty cool, but a couple negatives stand out more than the positives: for one the direction of your piece seems a bit non-existent in relation to the topic. If you incorporated it, you didn't do a fairly good job. It feels as if your piece is missing key elements to deliver the message, though you had some moments that showed such, but not enough. Mr. J, your piece was solid overall, and for me it resonates sort of like YDK's piece where you managed and tackled the basic elements of a topical piece. You had better content here and I believe you conveyed not only the message but also the topic much better than your opponent did.


MVGT: Mr. J. Good job by both competitors.

[Adonis]

B - So i enjoyed the aspect of traditional topical, not a storyline just an oldschool topical. Although I wasn't a huge fan of the writing to be honest. There were a couple good lines, but for the most part I read it twice and will literally not remember a word that was said. Sorry.

J - Good flow, loved the flow and concept of the gym floor and soul searchin bar. Played the topic well and felt some emotion. Not your best work, but not horrible

V/ Mr. J with a slightly better flow and more emotion.

[Vulgar]

Raw battle. I like both your styles & spirits.

breathless - Thought this opened up sick with it, had an energy I was drawn to. Solid content overall.

Mr. J - I'd have to say the same as what I said about breathless' verse, you came good. The Larry Bird line was kinda ill. I liked his slightly more though as a whole.

You two should consider collabing.

Vote - breath less

[Frank]

Vote. Breathless.
pep talk influence to a lot of the themes. Inspirational writers voice - Sgt like tone. Mr J was gunning early on than he started bricking , not writing with the same heart muscle. Breathless more consistent in his efforts

[Mr. J]

Got my last vote on Vulgar & NYC

[Angkor]

yea u guys do have a pretty similar style

Breathless - There were some cool ideas in this piece. The mean to an end line was a cool one. The issue i had was clarity. I was never sure what was being discussed. The tone was a bit too preachy for me but, i suppose with a topic like that, it's hard NOT to be a bit preachy lol.

Mr. J - While i dug some of the wordplay, some were just corny (if u don't mind my saying)

got me gassed up, regular unleaded, and now it has my brain burstin'


^^like that right there lol. But i thought ur piece was a little more coherent than ur opponent. It was still preachy in some areas but it was definitely a bit more fleshed out than ur opponent.

Vote - Mr. J - it was actually pretty even but Mr. J seem to put more effort into constructing an overall piece while Breathless was almost TOO occupied with clever lines, imo.