Broken minded

[Flow]

Watch it Kid i have a rabid habbit to blast my gasket,
wear a mask of shards of glass, to cover my scarred past bitch,
Carry a basket of broken hearts an dolls, with heads twisted,
quick to display dark arts stick around, i throw quite a picnic.
I dress in bloody vests with barbed wire tied tight around my chest,
use flagellation to best frustrations, though i was never truely blessed.
I never joke but been known to jest, i laugh an cry with fury,
tears of blood make my eyes blurry an stained my skin, like slurry.
My reflection is my best friend - told me i might be sectioned,
But i dont take notice, because hes just my minds invention.
Never sleep im always awake, but thats not how i was made,
took a day to cut out my eyelids, with sharpened razor blades.
I scream with more intensity then a thousand legions burning,
its not a dream, its more my plea, to heal the pain n hurting.
Envision living in vicious prisons, cats hangin of the wall,
pussys slashed, i dont mean pussy gash, there gats lyin on the floor.
My brain contains all the worlds pain, this is called a paradox..
My veins contain all worlds evils, dare you cut open pandoras box?
Tried to sell my soul to the devil, was told its too cold to use,
so cut his throat an for good measure, i cut the boatmans too.
Bathe in innocence and childrens ligaments, then wash myself in soap.
My wickedness is magnificent, you'll struggle to swallow it n you'll choke!
So kid, if you wanna hang with me, make sure you read what I wrote,
Use you head, cus to hang with me, is to hang yourself with rope!

I will return all forms of feed.

[Camp Bell]

this was cool, i just feel like you'd be way better if you used punctuation marks
when your writing these drops, it makes it much easier to follow flow and read
it just looks like a bunch of run on sentences without any..
let your lines explain themselves, you shouldnt need to explain in these type of
drops...just a little feed, homie....good shit tho

[Flow]

Camp thanks for the feed fam, I totally agree, something I should really have remembered. I think its because I know how I want it to flow, forgot you won't read it the same as me.

Anyways I edited now, thanks for the shout out brah.

Flo

[Flow]

Uppin

[Zen]

I liked this shit holmes and to be honest with you I read your other piece and didn't really enjoy it but this one is good fam. The flow was a little hard to understand at times without the puncuation but it was definatly enjoyable. Keep postin

[Dope girl]

This was pretty cool, you had some nice flow in there. make your lines the same. you improve tho.

[Mike Wrecka]

I scream with more intensity then a thousand legions burning,
its not a dream, its more my plea, to heal the pain n hurting.

that line was crazy. I felt like this was cool but needed a little more focus. you were trying to convey an emotional piece but iono some parts just seemed like filler a bit. and I think you need to work on your cadence a little more. that line I quoted is what all your lines should be. slow it down. anyway this had some good lines in there. good stuff.

[Flow]

Cheers for the feed guys ill feed you all bak monday. Btw hope ypu all realise that other drop was keyed. Freestyle text yo.

[Flow]

uppin

[Split]

I thought the twisted dolls head imagery was somehow the most gruesome thing in here lol, it kinda stuck with me. up for more feed.

[Obey]

Yeah this was good man, I liked the multi syllable rhyming

[Flow]

I thought the twisted dolls head imagery was somehow the most gruesome thing in here lol, it kinda stuck with me. up for more feed.

Haha glad someone mentioned that, I was trying to describe like a sinister jester and had a brilliant image of some mad ass killer skipping around with a basket of creepy shit..

Anyways thanks for the feed guys.

[Dove Dozer]

Yeah i liked this also. Loads of potential with your writing style as well. Lots of clever lines. I just would like to see some internals. The multies were decent. Try fuckin with different syllable counts on em. Thats my 2 cents. Good stuff though.. Rise bruh

[Just Write]

this was pretty ill, got a nice swag about it. enjoyed the first and last portions the best, the middle kinda fell of for me

EDIT: Flo Real i'm on my computer so i will break this down and give some proper feed now



Watch it Kid i have a rabid habbit to blast my gasket,
wear a mask of shards of glass, to cover my scarred past bitch,
Carry a basket of broken hearts an dolls, with heads twisted,
quick to display dark arts stick around, i throw quite a picnic.

lol dope opener, jumped right into it. If i can make a suggestion, i think there should have been a comma or an ellipsis after "dark arts" ionno, seems like there should be a pause there but i dont know how you voice it.


I dress in bloody vests with barbed wire tied tight around my chest,
use flagellation to best frustrations, though i was never truely blessed.

+10 for making me look up flagellation

I never joke but been known to jest, i laugh an cry with fury,
tears of blood make my eyes blurry an stained my skin, like slurry.

ok i know what slurry is and i'm going to let it slide because technically it's accurate but stain like slurry? lol.. fasho


My reflection is my best friend - told me i might be sectioned,
But i dont take notice, because hes just my minds invention.
Never sleep im always awake, but thats not how i was made,
took a day to cut out my eyelids, with sharpened razor blades.
I scream with more intensity then a thousand legions burning,
its not a dream, its more my plea, to heal the pain n hurting.
Envision living in vicious prisons, cats hangin of the wall,
pussys slashed, i dont mean pussy gash, there gats lyin on the floor.

I fucking loved this part man, fire


My brain contains all the worlds pain, this is called a paradox..
My veins contain all worlds evils, dare you cut open pandoras box?
Tried to sell my soul to the devil, was told its too cold to use,
so cut his throat an for good measure, i cut the boatmans too.


lol, nice shit right there man


Bathe in innocence and childrens ligaments, then wash myself in soap.
My wickedness is magnificent, you'll struggle to swallow it n you'll choke!
So kid, if you wanna hang with me, make sure you read what I wrote,
Use you head, cus to hang with me, is to hang yourself with rope!

finished off nicely


yea man, this was a good solid drop, love the gruesomeness, definitely inspired me to try something like this lol, kudos and thanks for the read.

[Flow]

Just Write nO gOoD!
Thanks for the feed - hit me up if you need any

[Just Write]

if u dont mind..
Flo Real

http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5770-who-wants-to-hear-about-anothers-problems-when-we-have-our-own-to-deal-with

[Flow]

Props at Just Write, that was some decent feed so thanks fam...Yeah you were right on the dark arts to be fair/

Will check your drop now.

[Zen]

I posted feed here two months ago, and now the Zenmaster is calling collect on that favor he's owed.
http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5768-ZenLand-Part-II<<<<Drop feed mane!! Flo Real

[fathead]

This Definately Is Filled With Some Sick Imagery. Like SomE Twisted Dude Wrote it. I Liked It Alot Some Parts Are Better Than Others Like....

I dress in bloody vests with barbed wire tied tight around my chest,
use flagellation to best frustrations, though i was never truely blessed.

Was A Line With Good Flow And It Kinda Flexed Your Vocabuulary.

[Flow]

This Definately Is Filled With Some Sick Imagery. Like SomE Twisted Dude Wrote it. I Liked It Alot Some Parts Are Better Than Others Like....

I dress in bloody vests with barbed wire tied tight around my chest,
use flagellation to best frustrations, though i was never truely blessed.

Was A Line With Good Flow And It Kinda Flexed Your Vocabuulary.

I used to know a fathead when I went under the name Penance with another fine fella named Jonion...

Anyways the reason it felt like some twisted dude wrote it is because i am some twisted dude ;)

Cheers for the feed, be interested in the bar you liked most vs the line you liked least to help me out if you get a chance.

[fathead]

My brain contains all the worlds pain, this is called a paradox..
My veins contain all worlds evils, dare you cut open pandoras box?

This One Here Is My Favorite It Has Perfect Flow And The Pandora Box Metaphor Was Cool And Fit The Tone.

Bathe in innocence and childrens ligaments, then wash myself in soap.
My wickedness is magnificent, you'll struggle to swallow it n you'll choke!

This One Actually ComeS In A Close Second BecauseIithas Perfect WordinG And Great Flow. Also This IsA Pretty Original Idea Which Definatley Gets Shock Value.


So kid, if you wanna hang with me, make sure you read what I wrote,
Use you head, cus to hang with me, is to hang yourself with rope!

This Is An Example Of One I Dont Like, Its Not Bad But It Seems The Flow Doesnt Live Up Too ThE Rest Of The Piece. It Also Seems Toned Down By far Compared Too The Rest.

But Ive Actually Never Really Been On A Site Like This So It Musta Been Another Fathead. I Just Picked It Cuz Its What People Ive Known Called Me My Whole Life.

[Flow]

http://i1282.photobucket.com/albums/a528/flowingreal/imagesCAGTNL8K_zpscc83a507.jpg

This image was exactly what I had in mind when writing this

[Eŋg]

Watch it Kid i have a rabid habbit to blast my gasket,
wear a mask of shards of glass, to cover my scarred past bitch,

lol, gasket? the second line is a semi-decent contradiction with acceptable imagery.

Carry a basket of broken hearts an dolls, with heads twisted,
quick to display dark arts stick around, i throw quite a picnic.

kind of gay, tbh. i'm not sure what dark arts have to do with a picnic, except that it rhymes with twisted. and you mentioned a basket, maybe?

I dress in bloody vests with barbed wire tied tight around my chest,
use flagellation to best frustrations, though i was never truely blessed.

you'd do well to invest in an iron maiden, instead. the word flagellation did not seem to fit very well.

I never joke but been known to jest, i laugh an cry with fury,
tears of blood make my eyes blurry an stained my skin, like slurry.

nurseryrhyme-esque. really really bad simile finished this bar.

My reflection is my best friend - told me i might be sectioned,
But i dont take notice, because hes just my minds invention.

that was actually tight. didn't come off forced, was coherent, and i could relate, a little.

Never sleep im always awake, but thats not how i was made,
took a day to cut out my eyelids, with sharpened razor blades.

uhm, ok.

I scream with more intensity then a thousand legions burning,
its not a dream, its more my plea, to heal the pain n hurting.

pretty generic.

Envision living in vicious prisons, cats hangin of the wall,
pussys slashed, i dont mean pussy gash, there gats lyin on the floor.

not certain what you mean here.

My brain contains all the worlds pain, this is called a paradox..
My veins contain all worlds evils, dare you cut open pandoras box?

i'm uncertain that IS called a paradox. the mythological reference was appreciated, but not used well.

Tried to sell my soul to the devil, was told its too cold to use,
so cut his throat an for good measure, i cut the boatmans too.

Charon, the ferryman. this was a little bit better.

Bathe in innocence and childrens ligaments, then wash myself in soap.
My wickedness is magnificent, you'll struggle to swallow it n you'll choke!

doesn't make a whole lot of sense. rhymes though.

So kid, if you wanna hang with me, make sure you read what I wrote,
Use you head, cus to hang with me, is to hang yourself with rope!

ok. i get it. i think.

i'm not sure what to make of this piece. it had a pseudo-horrorcore vibe but a lot of it just seemed random... uninspired lines about something sort of gruesome that happened to rhyme. honestly reading the feed in this thread confuses the fuck out of me.

i didn't hate your piece, just felt it lacked cohesion, was pretty generic, and proved super predictable/contrived with your rhyme scheme set-up. expand.

I will return all forms of feed.

hmb.

[Flow]

oXus I'm pretty tight with critique in fact your the first I'm
Pissed at - these comments I assume
Are backed with awesomeness from you so links please
To your drops

[EtH]

There isn't a whole lot to say because it was just a "Crazy" topic. But I thought you did quite a good job with the rhyming and got your tone across to the reader. We were instantly dragged into the psychotic mind of the protagonist and got a strong image of what he was like.

I feel that you could definitely be a little bit more original, or if you're going to write something like this, at least have a storyline or plot to it, because that way a reader can get dragged in and feel like there is a "point" to the piece.

Nice work man. Keep writing.

[Elemental P]

This was actually a solid piece. Nice flow and horrorcore imagery. Couple bumpy spots in the rhyme scheme and some typos that I had to read over but regardless this was a solid written, did remind me a bit of my style.

[Eŋg]

oXus I'm pretty tight with critique in fact your the first I'm
Pissed at - these comments I assume
Are backed with awesomeness from you so links please
To your drops

my feed was outstanding. fuck you.

[Eŋg]

just wanted to say again that you're a faggot.

[sral]

just wanted to say again that you're a faggot.

lmao Flow

[Flow]

lmao Flow

Yeah - i did lol that after a few years he came back with shade but no links. Had long enough

[Eŋg]

someone bumped your piece after five years. i hadn't seen you tag me while blowing your gasket way back when. perhaps i should make myself clear, unlike slurry:

the calibre of my writing doesn't affect how much this shit sucked.

[PancakeBrah]

Good era of Open Mic beef nowadays

[big baby]

fucking real weird that never seen flownpost and he gets summoned randomly out of thin air from 5 year old om
piece

[Flow]

fucking real weird that never seen flownpost and he gets summoned randomly out of thin air from 5 year old om
piece

Agreed

[big baby]

shut fucka mouf idiyote