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Clayray
02-13-2014, 05:06 PM
a simple flick of the wrist, movement of a pen
a blueprint that begins to teach a student about the sin
what a nuisance I have been my words'll loosen you to the stem
mutant to the skin let the mutiny contend as my fluent flows begin..

..Checkmate..

seizure to your chestplate from a creature of the best race
take a breather & rest, wait. then get a cleaver till ya neck breaks.
I'm Caesar on a fresh plate.. no.. I'm Caesar in the flesh, fake.

..Respect my conglomerate..

Get checked for your common sense pussy niggas get wrecked of their dominance
& I have their mommas give neck until they vomit shit
I don't connect with the opposite

..Consiousness Consilence..

I'm prophetin consequence for the cognitive audience
a certain confidence in populace, tolorence of obnoxious
a bottomless pit full of noxious men who'll die from a jot of the pen

Piece that is from another site. just wanted to drop it here to get more feed an to officially introduce myself, word.

Aesthetic
02-13-2014, 07:04 PM
Welcome to netcees.

a simple flick of the wrist, movement of a pen
a blueprint that begins to teach a student about the sin
what a nuisance I have been my words'll loosen you to the stem
mutant to the skin let the mutiny contend as my fluent flows begin..

..Checkmate..

I like the flick of the wrist part but everything else just felt chaotic and unorganized; not even from the layout just lyrically I felt lost.

I mean, you dont say anything about sin. And nobody is a mutineer. sin, pen, stem and begin dont rhyme...

seizure to your chestplate from a creature of the best race
take a breather & rest, wait. then get a cleaver till ya neck breaks.
I'm Caesar on a fresh plate.. no.. I'm Caesar in the flesh, fake.

..Respect my conglomerate..

I saw the flow in this, but you did something to extend it and ruined my image.
Shoulda :
seizure to your chestplate from a creature of the best race
get a cleaver till ya neck breaks.

I'm Caesar in the flesh, fake.
I dont like your use of the word fake.

Again, race doesn't rhyme with break.

Get checked for your common sense pussy niggas get wrecked of their dominance
& I have their mommas give neck until they vomit shit
I don't connect with the opposite

..Consiousness Consilence..

Get checked for your common sense pussy niggas get wrecked of their dominance This was dope, the rest wasn't feeling me.

I'm prophetin consequence for the cognitive audience
a certain confidence in populace, tolorence of obnoxious
a bottomless pit full of noxious men who'll die from a jot of the pen

Solid ending for a bad piece. Its not that your not good; you just need to keep writing and peep some of the better writers lyrics. Text is a lot more ballpoint picture perfect then actual music. Work on plotting intro>climax>ending and try and do that with every bar.