AOWL Week 9: ZenLand (4-4) vs. Just Write (0-1) [ZENLAND WINS, 7-2.]

[Split]

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum. (if agreed upon by both participants, you may go beyond the limit at your own risk.)

Verses are due SATURDAY 4/13 at 11:59 PST.
Extensions are due SUNDAY 4/14 at 11:59 PST.
(There is a 6 hour grace period following the end of the extension deadline. If you fail to post anything by the end of the grace period time, you will be given the no show loss.)

You must vote on at least 4 other battles and post links in the Voting Thread. For every absent vote, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.

Voting ends TUESDAY 4/16 at 11:59 PST. (Unless otherwise it may be extended another day at the most.)

You MUST check in.

If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.

NOTE
Swaying, excessive freeposting, voter fraud etc. are grounds for vote deductions at discretion of the moderators.
Editing your verse after the grace period, after your opponent posts, or after the first vote (especially this)- as well as biting- are grounds for disqualification at discretion of the moderators.

TOPIC: THIS IS A SPLIT TOPIC. One will write a verse supporting an idea, and the other will write a verse supporting an opposing idea.

ZenLand -humans
Just Write -robots

Good luck to both participants.

[Zen]

What the fuck is a human!? How am I supposed to write about shit I don't know about damn it!?
Anywho check.

[Just Write]

check lol.. this should be fun

http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5859-AOWL-Week-9-Nigma-%284-2%29-vs-Xces-%281-0%29-OPEN-FOR-VOTES!!!
http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5853-AOWL-Week-9-Contendership-Red-Glare-%285-2%29-vs-Adonis-%284-1%29-OPEN-FOR-VOTES!!!
http://artofbattling.com/showthread.php?5866-AOWL-CHAMPIONSHIP-Zygote-%286-2%29-vs-Mike-Wrecka-%285-3%29-OPEN-FOR-VOTES!!!

[Zen]

I will more than likely need an extension

[Zen]

Life

Matthew, Sr., The dad, The preacher, Hopes the grass is greener
Or it'll at last be sweeter because his past was neither,
He's masked his features to hide his sad demeanor, He's a habitless creature
Who crossed paths with schemers who tried to bash his leader,
The Lord, God, His master, Teacher,
He loves his guidance but now in his roughest time it's nothing, silence,
It's tough, his mind is on the cusp of violence but before hes rushed and blinded
He asks for something, kindness, He brushes the tear that touched his eyelids
And takes a minute to pray amidst an array of men depraved of a glimpse of grace
And begins to say, "Dear Lord please grant my gift today."
Amen filled the Baptist church, "When what happen occurred, I was mad at first,
Which then brought depression full of haunting obsession until I wrought these transgressions
And I thought, but I'm guessin that the Lord has just taught a lesson...."

Two days before

Matthew rushed into the hospital, But this time it's different,
His face's blushed and comical, Today life was given,
But there was a problem, his wife is missing,
He goes to the service desk a nervous wreck,
"Excuse me ma'm I'm looking for my wife Pam, Have you heard from them yet?"
Her face tells it all, He goes pale and balls his eyes out till he fell and he yells,
"To hell with ya'll!!" The nurses help him up and he's led through the hall
Uncontrollable until he hears a soothing call, The napping tune of
Babies in the ward, Facing the door, is a baby named Mathew, Jr.

"And I thought, but I'm guessin that the Lord has just taught a lesson,
We know that from the moment when life begins it must die and end,
Time and again we try as men to fight the cycle and win...
But we can't, and thats what makes life precious,
Count your time in seconds when you enjoy your prized possessions
The lies and deceptions only serve to blind our perceptions
So that we don't enjoy our lives, When Pam passed I balled and weeped
But now I have this boy of mine, Who's all I need"
Amen filled this Baptist church.

[Just Write]

nice.. im like 3/4 finished.. ima try to drop tonight but just in case i might need that ext

[Just Write]

April 15, 2018, worldwide this day will be known as the day of the great fall
the year that mankind destroyed our planet and nearly ended it all
chemical fall outs; nuclear explosions dissipated the valley & mountanous regions
countless left dead, disfigured and bleeding,.surely a most difficult greivance.
people screaming.. woman shreiking, envision Constantine's walk through hell,
volcanic eruptions, earthquakes, glacier packs that cracked n lost their shelves.
war has never been the answer, though we have always brought it upon ourselves
maybe one day we'll realize that life depends on the globes cohesive help..
with man's hope depleted now, we enter back into a most primative dark ages
only thing left sacred is a family and a few parcels of food in suitcases
hard decisions came in hospitals, with picking who's too gone & who's worth saving
with no electricity the losses were grave n almost impossible to cure the patients
hurt & loss of faith created panick in the masses from chapels to train stations
people prayed for different things... some cursed god and some cursed satan
we as humans are a product of impatience, caught up in what doesnt really matter
..ask yourself what you would do if your mouth was removed from its silver platter?"



its 2037 now, and there have been many different developments
artificial intelligence making particle cell systems irrelevant.
bio-mechanical tension springs that have them* move at impressive speed;
think star wars, post rebellion- c3p0, but much more fluid extremities.
proximity sensor beams, systems in full effect with electrical ventricles,
autonomous emotions; programmable yet, still commonly tested as sensical.
whether personal pleasure, military experiments or just the typical trend,
the uses has proven to leave us useless without these unusual friends.
lets view again the truth that sent distribution through the roof,
John McCarthy founded Standford Universities Artificial Institute in 1962.
improved the invention on the first industrial robot, equipped with a swivel arm.
A genius of his day , with colleages such as Joshua Lederberg & Edward Feiganbaum.
This paved the road for names unknown to explore superiorly advanced androids,
installed interior steel chest protectors stronger than the previous inferior alloys
from high tech cyborgs to wind up kiddie toys we've become dependant on robots;
with intent to end turmoil & dispose of apposing governments outdated old plots.



we have calculated the waste of our soldiers times the rate we've lost them in
(could eradicate a forest w/the amount of pine boxes they're lying rotting in)
confident that since the great fall of 2018 bionics have helped improved our oxygen.
we owe it to robotics who have made it possible for the disabled to walk again
or the sustaining wages obtained by creating jobs for our populace,
and offering products to help cope with their losses and improve our opulence.
this is the new world, may we gain knowledge through the use of machines
and in the future remember there is no such thing as a futile dream
for few can believe how far we've progressed in such a very short time
we owe it to the avdanced technology that supported us through the hardest times

[Nigma]

Terrific read on both sides.

Just Write: I like the format of your verse, the background intro concept helped add depth to the verse. I feel the intro segment could have been shortened down to allow for more content however it was still solid. My favourite part of the was the description of the robot. Your use of a familiar reference in c3p0 really meshed will with the added description you gave it. Painted a neat picture in my head. I respect the message given out throughout, and was emphasized in the last stanza, however for whatever reason I started to lose interest towards the end. Overall, a solid verse with many high points, good work.

Zen: There are many ways to add depth and enjoyability to a verse; humor, barrage of imagery, intriguing concepts, ect. The ace in your sleeve this week was emotion. The contrast in feelings between the spectrums of life here made for an amazing verse. Another thing that is very rare (to me anyways) was the replay value of this verse. Give past information later on in the verse makes you read the beginning portion in a new context so I reread the first stanza again and really enjoyed how much I comprehended just slightly differently.

Overall: Just Write had a solid verse with the middle portion standing out most to me. I feel that overall, Zen came stronger this week with a start to finish verse with no lack in interest.

Vote to Zen

[Xces]

Just Write - This week you showed a lot more of the vocabulary then I've seen from you thus far but the piece feels like it is missing that special something ot really connect and push it forward. I like the imagery you use to paint the picture of what the robots appear like, but it still lacks something to me. It's a good verse almost all around, but something didn't feell... right?

Zen - I enjoy the way you told this piece, and it really reminded of the quote "Every story has a beginning, middle, and end, Though not necessarily in that order."
It really made me take a double take, and I actually went back and reread both your and Just Writes verses a second time when I had finished reading yours.
Just Write had a more complex structure, but your piece brought the "human" touch so to speak. It felt more connected to me personally, and that edged it out.

V / Zen

[zygote]

Zenland, good focus to go for the emotional route. Felt that because the topic was humans you did not need a complicated plot or themes, just writing with a strong emotional angle. You writing was effective in bringing out emotional response, references to the father, churches, prayer etc all provocative and have strong emotional bases for many.

Just Write, it was too descriptive for too long, only in the last paragraph did you start reveal some of the themes that had real strength. E.g., instead of showing desperation from describing shrieking women, disasters etc your themes near the end of human dependence on robots would have been much stronger to pursue. Perhaps more elaboration on those parts would have been stronger. Voted for Zenland.

[Cereal_Killa]

Zen:

Life = loss.. I like it.. man dope piece, you flushed it with more emotion then usual and dropped some of the tight/smooth structure.. I mean first stanza hit like that tight, fast and you transferred to the direct message with emotion.. which in all honesty I like the switch.. Cool piece and different from what you usually lay out.. nice read mate :)

J Write:

Oh man this was dope.. Not an outrageous twist but a good one none the less.. What made this was your incredible imagery, that intro was brutal.. I could see debree and carnage littering the streets, very vivid.. Rhyme wise it was hot, and all in all real cool piece..

we have calculated the waste of our soldiers times the rate we've lost them in
(could eradicate a forest w/the amount of pine boxes they're lying rotting in)

^ once I hit the pine box part im like WOW

Vote = Just Write

Man this was emotion verses extreme imagery.. The stories I believe where on par with each other and if Zen had edge it up a lil more with his emotion this vote could have easily swung.. awesome match guys, thank for the read n g/l

[IamBenT]

Wow great battle, a strong contender for BOTW no doubt.

Zen - This is probably the best most cohesive verse I have read from you. The multis were impressive and not overwhelming, the story is smart and very re-readable, you wrote around a single, powerful theme which is similar to my verse this week actually! losing the wife but keeping the baby and the conflicting emotions that come from that. I would have appreciated a further, more poetic exploration of the Pastor's emotion roller coaster, on one hand he has this blessing of a son, but on the other, the baby has taken away (presumably) the love of his life? That angle, i felt, was a bit unexplored. Other than that, really strong verse.

Just Write- wow holy crap you have a strong technical mastery that reminds me of what Xces and a few others are bringing to the league, you have mad skills and the ability to really paint a picture. where this verse falls flat is in its transition from a story to a topical. I felt that if you had picked one way or the other you would have been fine but as it reads it blends both to me and it took me out of your sci-fi tale. Also, great sci-fi always deals with big questions, and that was somewhat unclear through out most of this until your exposition at the end. It was fun to see you mix all this smart vocab though, holy crap

Vote -Zenland, i was really torn this weekend because I was really looking at JustWrite and dude has mad talent, i think this is razor close, just feeling Zen's piece was perhaps the most cohesive of his I have read in my time in the league. Great battle guys

[veritas]

I was torn. but on the second go round I got just write. there were a few lines that just flowed excellently, such as:

we as humans are a product of impatience, caught up in what doesnt really matter
..ask yourself what you would do if your mouth was removed from its silver platter?"

excellent

mvgt j

[Inno]

sorry i didnt get to this sooner..

vote. zen


this was an outstanding battle tbh 2 completely different styles mashing together for a great showing. as far as the technique side of things both did an excellent job with there schemes an what not. so for me it came down to who had that lasting impression. JW had dope fucking rhyming..i mean dope..his vocab was def above par on this piece..looking like a contender lol...zen had that smoothness about his shit that i gravitate to. that ease of flow and story prgression..in the end i think ama go with zen because he matched skills with his opponent while managing ti write a story i found more interesing..great battle tho foreal.

[patrown]

Zenland –Thoroughly enjoyed the rhymes, layout, and message. It’s nice to have some kind of happy conclusion from an otherwise sad tale. That would really be hard to go through.
Am seriously impressed by the fluid feel of those multiples. Fuhreal.
Favorite lines..
Time and again we try as men to fight the cycle and win...
But we can't, and thats what makes life precious,
Count your time in seconds when you enjoy your prized possessions
Wow.

Just Write – “some cursed god and some cursed satan” – that was an extremely powerful line.
Just saying. Anyhoo, you set the tone very well here. Dissipated landscapes, natural disasters, people being taken off life support so others could live.. the decision hospital workers had to make there.. bleeding, screaming, shreaking. YAHBUDDY. Came out really good in the end. I can’t say I noticed any area you could've improved upon here.

/v – zenland. I was going to say.. tie. But when I thought about it, well.. when I read what the topics were.. I feel like zen nailed humanity right on the fucking noggin. I feel like the first stanza included a whole lotta human. but just for the record - that's the only reason i was able to make a decision at all.

[King Ra.]

Pretty shocked & impressed with your writing this week Zen. I believe you really displayed some skills in full bloom which made your topical really stand out. You took the topic on humans & wove a story focused on one character, and managed to have all the necessities tied in to give the reader a clear picture of what is going on in the story & the concept of your piece. Strong emotion throughout & the scheme was on point. Just Write, very impressed with your piece as well. That intro was very solid, even though it was a bit long. Then from there you did a superb job with descriptions of robots, very detailed & it did not hurt your scheme at all. If there is one thing that hurt you this week, is the fact that I was looking for something more with the way you started this piece. the second stanza was great but that last bit, I feel, didn't really round off your story properly. It leaves me wanting more- and it's a bit offset from the first two stanzas. Great writing but the story could have been a bit more well-rounded.

MVGT: Zenland.

[King Ra.]

ZENLAND WINS, 7-2.