AOWL CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH: zygote (8-1) VS. IAmBenT (6-1) [ZYGOTE WINS, 5-4.]

[King Ra.]

16 lines minimum, 48 lines maximum. (if agreed upon by both participants, you may go beyond the limit at your own risk.)

Verses are due FRIDAY 4/26 at 11:59 PST.
Extensions are due SATURDAY 4/27 at 11:59 PST.
(There is a 6 hour grace period following the end of the extension deadline. If you fail to post anything by the end of the grace period time, you will be given the no show loss.)

You must vote on at least 4 other battles and post links in the Voting Thread. For every absent vote, you will be deducted ONE vote next week.

Voting ends TUESDAY 4/30 at 11:59 PST.(Unless otherwise it may be extended another day at the most.)

You MUSTcheck in.

If you no-show, you will be removed from next week and have to sign back into the league.

NOTE:
Swaying, excessive freeposting, voter fraud etc. are grounds for vote deductions at discretion of the moderators.
Editing your verse after the grace period, after your opponent posts, or after the first vote (especially this)- as well as biting- are grounds for disqualification at discretion of the moderators.


TOPIC: http://knstrct.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/Ryohei-Hase-Paintings-Modern-Art-1.jpg



Good luck to both participants. zygote IamBenT

[zygote]

Forbidden

You don't have permission to access /editpost.php on this server.

Additionally, a 404 Not Found error was encountered while trying to use an ErrorDocument to handle the request.
Apache Server at www.netcees.co Port 80



^^^ That's the error I receive, also King Keith, Split 8 etc. If no permanent fix for this week as a temporary fix, please follow hyperlink below.

http://rapisalive.com/showthread.php?t=20079

[IamBenT]

Checking in....VOTES

Zeedee vs. Vulgar (http://www.netcees.co/showthread.php?t=6036)

Objective vs MikeWrecka (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=6032)

[Split]

test

[Sharp]

wtf

this site does not want your verse zy

[IamBenT]

The harsh cold sea harassed and blasted my argosy
The sparse boat’s team won’t outlast the hard boasting
Of bold ocean waves spraying salt, brine, and doled rage
A tempest so senseless its eye roved, blind with old age
We throw crates, into this beast, hoping to stay afloat
Our closed fate, limp in defeat, mostly a pale joke
In the specter of death,… I reflect in regret, the losses it swallowed-
Colossal! -, it followed me off of the wreck and onto the brothels,
Bar brawls in the bottles of breath drenched in the guilt,
Of still living after my men’s flesh entrenched in the silt
Of the ocean floor… what was I hoping for, in prodigality?
Daughter’s home and battling the fret of my fatality
And as I’m rambling, I’m traveling and catch a glimpse
Of a massive mansion, shambling amidst a patchy mist…

As Father arrived, I sighed, cried a river as wide as the divide
That writhed the time Mother had died – See, he pried, he chided,
Derided her, until the spite in her finally dried up the life in her-
But I prefer to give him a kiss…something’s amiss – he’s ghost-like
Here is this rose…white, which I stole,…swiped…so it’s told price is now your life..!
And he holds tight, as he explains that I must go on this cold night
As an exchange for his whole life to be estranged as the sold wife
To a Hermit Baron, masked and vicious, with ghastly visage..
Dad’s asking this with that raspy grimace rehashing Mom’s last three visits, I lack resistance
to that sweet image… I bask within it before I ride off
With a slight cough, fear hard in the gut, and twilight’s soft…

”Welcome!”… silk-smooth timbre of limber prince…
She squints, as cold wind sprints and cinders wince,
A glimpse, of lavender, pinks, and then, resplendent..
The glisten of iridescent gems swing in a pendant…
A chiseled Adonis!.. Be Honest… Are you Amazed?
I’ve no time to play, ‘tis the Beast I am to face…, she stumbled, her gaze
Caught his feet as she was raised – I’ll bring you his way, no need to be ashamed
Squeeze of her hand, and such lust just flooded over…
He, keeping her glance…and this “trust”!.. .they huddled closer
Then, with a boom, the grand room bombards her senses!
Disarmed, she enters,.. the smell of roses! She discards pretenses
And starts undressing… only cognizant of colors in her consciousness
Such opulence, red-greens and yellow-blues and hues that do not exist!
Topaz and vermillion, crimson and viridian, gold magenta, to aquamarine zinnia!
Felt falling…caught like a flake on a tongue…Melt, sprawling… hot like the blaze of the sun
My darling.., his breath a blistered baking… Take me…to the.. Beast she whispered faintly…
As you wish.., and the wisps of light, whisked in sight to her blitzed delight…
And as she flinched, her eyes pinched up tight, her chin in flight! He took a swift and instant *bite*.

http://knstrct.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/Ryohei-Hase-Paintings-Modern-Art-1.jpg

You see, a merchant’s only known to be as good as his product…
So there’s not much he wouldn’t offer just to get caught up…
I was born to barter, arms for a slaughter, even your daughter..
He would have killed ME otherwise.. and I can’t die! After all… I’m a father.

[Mike Wrecka]

ok dope battle. definitely worthy of the champ match

zygote - I really enjoyed this verse. it was entertaining. had the futuristic vibe to it which was awesome. the flow was dope and I thought it was a really creative way to play to the topic.

bent- nice verse man. it was classically topical. this is what I envisioned when I looked at the pic and you did a really good job with the romance angle. it was very well written. didn't flow quite as good as zygotes but it was enjoyable and told a complete story arc.

dope battle fellas. I really liked both verse a lot. im gonna vote for the one I liked slightly more and that was zygotes. just more my cup of tea, but bent I was impressed you brought it here. thanks for the reads.

vote- zygote

[King Ra.]

Just to let everyone know, use the rapisalive link in zygotes post to read his verse. Match is open for votes. Thanks.

[Zen]

Cot dayum. Good battle.
IamBent: Fuck this was some good shit Bent. One of your best stories really and that's saying something with the shit that you've been droppin in recent weeks man forreal. I loved the story in this and another thing I thought the rhyme scheme was perfect from the start. It flowed beautifully and it kept the story progressing straight forward to the climax. Very well done Bent.
zygote: Ok....how the fuck did you come up with this? lol I wonder that almost every week because each week it's a new off the wall topic that noone would have guessed you'd drop. With that being said your style was all there as it usually is but all in all I couldn't really delve into this topic like I would really want to. You kinda just throw us into this world and BAM you're supposed to hate animals. I don't know maybe like a short passage leading up to this would've helped sell it better imo. But still it was enjoyable I just expected more really.

All in all I got Bent for the upset. Great battle fellas.

[Aesthetic]

Zygote:

Amazing unheard of plot.

What I liked:

Don’t they know the beasts were destroyed by the New God so Man could live in peace?

Everything else was really on the scheme so I cant say I didnt like anything else but what I will say is this; you need more flare my dude, like your fire lol but instead of complex schemes with incredible vocab try going for more metaphors and wordplay, that's the shit I personally like.

What I didn't like:

We state furry behavior is equal to both rape and homosexual sodomy in terms of its indecency.
To all Misguided Citizens who engage in this animalistic fetishism,

I can tell if your talking about roleplay or beasteality..


Great work zygote..

IamBent:

Really cool story, love the ending and beginning. I really thought you were rushing into things but when it was over everything was a lot more subtle and defined after the second read.

What I liked:

Topaz and vermillion, crimson and viridian, gold magenta, to aquamarine zinnia!

practically the entire song...

What I didn't like:

My darling.., his breath a blistered baking… Take me…to the.. Beast she whispered faintly…

It felt pressed in and unwelcomed by the rest of the song; considering how mysterious and dramatical it is you should have had her fall in love first or something because it feels like she knows shes gonna die; feel me?

V/IamBent
Better story; barely and im saying BARELY

[ZeeDee]

Zygote, I first want to say that I like how you think outside the normal perimeters of writing and come with very creative concepts to expand... but I also know that u don't like being constricted to the normal formats of flow of rhymes cuz my first week here, u wrote a verse about disliking the limitations of having to write with flow formats.... with that being said... I'm sure you can see the flow in this one is lacking... it is a verse and this is a text rap format so its just part of the basic score on judging any verse... now that that's out the way though, this is great sci fi writing in it's original creativity and developing details.... damn the details.... from neuroligcal blockers to sexual sterilization... your effort was put in the details obviously and not the format... the long lines and lack of rhymes throughout threw me off and then it became like reading a news article... which was yout intension I think from how u wrote it...

Iambent, interesting take... you put a great amount of effort on the build up of the story and painted a very colorful schematic for the story to fall in... so... the father gets bit on a boat and comes home as a werewolf? I like your writing technique a lot actually, there's just a severe lack of action for a werewolf story.. he just gets bit and comes home and bites his wife I'm guessing cuz its also narrated from the daughters or sons viewpoint too? There's a lot happening in this verse that isn't really drawn in the details... Ur an excellent writer, don't get me wrong... but I would have loved to read more gripping and exciting details of this monster picture displayed as the topic... its like you went the route of a play for a sci fi feature... he doesn't create any other victims, nothing on the crazy transformation process that had to take place... the imagery was good in the first sequence and it becomes hard to follow as u build several characters in one sequence and none of them have names... he's a merchant and selling someones daughter to the werewolf?.... I didn't see that in any of the other details... that's a crazy ending.... I would of liked this much more if u were tactless in ur approach to being a merchant of sacrifices for the monster...


its weird because iambent excelled in the areas that I believe zygote failed at within the flow and structure, but failed in the areas that I feel zygote excelled at in the details and interesting features of a sci fi monster story and creativity was more in favor of zygote too.

I actually wanna face iambent again because I went an unusual route in our last match wit explaining a theory of Jesus Christ really being Ptolemy Ceasar, the son of Julius Cesar and Cleopatra and the line limit didn't give me enough to clearly put it together.... but zygote had a much more entertaining verse even with the lack of flow, the concept was creative and his execution was enjoyable. I had a hard time following all the characters of Iambent story and the ending suggested something I didn't see in the story at all, but I did enjoy the very colorful start within the first 2 stanzas...

My vote may be biased because I want to face Bent so I'm withdrawing my vote... this match is too close to e decided by the person that will face the winner...

Ill write a mag article about the matches this week to make up for this as well. Sorry fellas... this matchup was too close to decide anyway. I've changed my min on it 4x already

[Objective]

After reading the first paragraph I was puzzled by the eco-system question, but if we should remove that doubt and it's magnificent writing. I loved the name

*Trying to figure out what's causing the 403: Forbidden*

[dead man]

i had a long ass vote that just got fucking deleted.

but yo, zygote your futuristic and clinical psychologic terminology was dope to me. and although your take on the topic was set in a really dope yet unrealistic setting, the wordiness did take away from your final product in some senses. being somebody who personally does not make it habit to write in full sentences and rather pinpoints specific ideas i find myself appreciating the kind of thing you do even moreso especially in light of the normative criteria here. admirable. but all that aside you were more verbose than your really needed to be in many lines and that took away from your overall shine which was itself pretty nuts.

During initial testing 100% of surviving deviants underwent all these voluntary challenges,
Note: those who did not comply did not survive and were not included in this statistical analysis.

my favorite line.


BENT

lmao you had an interesting story here man. you had a lot of development packed into very few lines so one has to follow really close to know where youre going with this. i think HERMIT BARON should have definitely earned a bit more description than a single adonis line. i mean, idk man it felt unfulfilled in terms of character. you give us enough but it's delivered in a way that feels like its full of holes even for the slice youre giving us. it took me a min. to realize the first and last verses were even connected and even longer to clue into her father's motivations for asking this of his daughter. no background on thi werewolf dude in a mansion. idk man. crucial questions are brought up and never concluded or even evaded in a satisfying way. not to mention i felt a lot of strain in some of your rhymes. like trying to put square blocks in triangle slots. it just came off as more effortful than it should..

on gut instinct, i have to vote in zygotes direction. like i said, i had a more extensive vote but it was lost so this will have to do.

take care

[Objective]

Zygote: I really wondered about cows, pigs and chickens at first, they literally have no defense systems. So I got happy to see cloning was the cause here, but if they cloned them for expensive shit wouldn't it be better to clone something even rarer as these animals were most likely the last species to extinct? Either way, 99% of animals leaves out some vital animals for our eco-system. The world would literally be polluted without so many animals. Again, I'll let benefit of doubt come into play and see what you present to us.

After reading the first paragraph I was still puzzled by the eco-system question, but if we should remove that doubt and it's magnificent writing. I loved the name ''@uto soofilia'' (apparently, this is the word or word arrangement that created the error thing Knucklehead), makes sense as it sounds like something that would be used irl if such a situation presented itself. I love how you didn't restrict yourself to X-men and other more violent movies but also Beauty and the Beast as well, specially since BatB displays a certain reality to how humans like these might be viewed by the population.

Kinda sad to see how the future still presents huge political issues, a split populace and is still following religion along with a rather negative view towards equality and homosexuality, but your presentation is dope as fuck and gives a certain realism to the piece even with a theme like this. I love the approach you're taking so far.

Oh, so The New God is actually Darwin? Now that's interesting as fuck. So their belief system is based on pure evolution? If we should look into evolution our brains should also be a part of that which would make it seem natural to go for the ultimate human though, but that's now how they wish to do it and it's considered a crime of nature. Nice.

Dope piece, great storytelling and the flow was on point. However, the picture you were given shows an animal holding the death of a human being, not the other way around. I fail to see how it all connects to that, or are you simply saying that the picture shows how the story will eventually unfold if this actually happened as these creatures would be more advanced than humans when it comes down to it?

IamBenT: The first paragraph is solid and introduces us to a beast and someones daughter. I'm suspecting these two is what the image portrays, and my prediction is that it'll end with a battle where these drunktards tries to kill the beast but ends up killing the daughter instead. The flow and rhymescheme is dope and is to be compared with your earlier works. So far I like the direction you're taking and I want to read on to see how story unfolds itself and what this mansion is all about.

Second paragraph introduces us to a whole new situation and tells the story of an arranged married that the woman in question is forced into after being sold to a baron, interesting. The imagery is decent at first and launches off into space through the second half. Enjoyed the shit out of that.

The last paragraph goes in depth on the beast and the lady meeting for the first time. Again you present a flow and imagery solid enough to crack concrete and the storytelling is dope as fuck. The only question I'm left with is what the first paragraph got to do with the last two paragraphs. Sure, there's some connections to a beast, a daughter and a mansion there but I'd like some more solid connections to how all of these is intertwined into your story. Who is this drunken man? I mean, he could very well be the man who sold his daughter into a marriage, but there's nothing that actually says that it's him. I'd like some clarification on that point in your piece, not by you, I want it in your actual verse.

Beside of that ''hiccup'' I thoroughly enjoyed reading your piece. The scheme is definately captivating me as a reader and inspiring as a writer.

Final Vote: IamBenT. Zygote definately presented an interesting piece with lots of realism to such a fantasy-like topic, but I think IamBenT excelled in what Zygote didn't; Rhymescheme, imagery and a story that could be taken out of a praised storybook for 8-14 year olds. Definately a dope battle and I enjoyed both verses, I could this going both ways in terms of votes but my final decision ended up on IamBenT. Thanks to both for making me a satisfied reader and keep dropping hot shit.

[Split]

Zygote.
Lol'd hard at furry verse.one of the funniest pieces I've read, great dry sense of humor, more in this week than any other lol. "Pancake, you are worse than trash" comes to mind. I see where your verse had its internal rhyming that really should have made it flow, but the format/structure did a lot to counteract that. Some lines that used blunt alliteration and assonance, when rolled together without commas or pauses, barely even rhymed because the cadence of the verse was jammed together. It did rhyme, multis were nice, the lyricism showed through, I'm just noting that it was not especially smooth or accentuated. It would have been more enjoyable as less of a monolith.


BenT.
I'm coming for you btw, you've given me my only legitimate loss in a glorious slew of no shows.

Lol wat is argosy.

I can't quote of ill lose my vote, but it's clear you've been writing a long time, very polished lines in there. Nice rhyme scheme that doesn't get ahead of itself. Dope especially in how it attacks the picture, very methodical but not obviously so. Mansion mist lel. Really cool verse, cool story, I like the poetic twist.
What catches me up is the poetic nature though... A few parts th should have been transparent/ lucid or really expanded were actually opaque. I dunno what roles the character you introduced were playing. Was the dad a drunkard, why did he take the rose, was the rose symbolic, what was good w/ the mother, was the bite symbolic etc

You got a good command of poetry but it didnt *click* for me here. It straddled the divide of descriptive, symbolic, and rhetorical and fell into the abyss in the middle. There needed to be more of a rising action, and more characterization, I think. Either tht or just come out and say what ur gonna say

I really laughed my ass off at Zygote's verse. Stuttered a lot. Bent's was smooth but ended up a half-furled flower. Dope battle, really had to think and compare

V/zygote

[Pent uP]

Zygote, this was a cool sci fi breakdown with al the elements and with such great detail. I like how you used a different approach to your writing as if you're the scientist on the project to fix the castaphe of some mutigen turing people into monsters. I was also impressed with how thorough you were the the reasoning of the outbreak and how its going to be contained. Very good use of the topic and creatie in the way you used the picture.

Iambent, this was interesting and had a lot of surprise twists. The flow and imagery are the bests features in this in my opinion. Your word choices and descriptive scenes carry the story for the most part, but it seems like a lot of the details that I liked, didn't really help the story and the ending should of been elaborated on more to help build that twist in the story. Good verse, just would of liked more story development for that ending.

Vote zygote

[Dove Dozer]

zygote. well written in a really editorial way. it felt very news reel like while reading it, with a huge vocabulary and good rhyming choices. I felt it lacked a diverse scheme, which is really the only complaint. Had you wrote this with a little more swag to it, it would have been perfect in my eyes. Still a retarded dope drop man. ill piece.

bent. dude you're rhyme scheme on this is nice. mechanics were solid with some crazy quotables in there too

"..We throw crates, into this beast, hoping to stay afloat
Our closed fate, limp in defeat, mostly a pale joke
In the specter of death,… I reflect in regret, the losses it swallowed-
Colossal! -, it followed me off of the wreck and onto the brothels.."

real nice man.

Vote Bent

both wrote amazing in this battle, but I felt IAmBenT just out wrote zygote in this piece in a number of ways.

sick battle.

[Atheist]

Bents my boy, but i felt ZY had it here (ill edit tomorrow when im sober)

[Fig]

Jesus this is a close call for me. On one hand, the originality of Zygotes story compels me to easily side with him, but I cannot deny the fact that bents piece is extremely well written. I am more keen to bents style of writing, so I may be biased from that standpoint if I were to say his verse is better written than zygotes. I'll have to say zyg that your verse read just like a speech, just as it shouldve.

So theres no denying both of your abilities to write, but I'll have to go with zygote here, for a more interesting concept.

[King Ra.]

ZYGOTE WINS, 5-4.