Week 7: Totoro (0-4) vs. Witty (0-2) \\ Witty wins 4-2

[Certain]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 3



The Basics | Read the full rules here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=54688).

Verses are due Friday at 11:59 p.m. PT. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Votes are due Sunday at 11:59 p.m. PT.

Verses may not exceed 48 lines or 650 words unless agreed upon by the opponent.

Voting on three battles is required. If you win and don't vote, you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your three votes in this thread (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=64330).

Topics this week are available for your choosing here (http://netcees.co/showthread.php?t=64328).

Good luck, Witty and Totoro.

[NYCSPITZ]

.


The year 57 A.M.F. By Roman calendars it's twenty-two fourteen
After Man's Fall...I rule the Earth. Drug fueled, a Newport King.
Cyborg Columbia Grad, CEO mutant technology/State fiend
I sniff a line of this metallic gray coke, and drift into a daydream:
Death's a facade.
it's night vision penetrating the misty depths of a fog.
Disciplinarian, laissez-faire; a lesson from God
Prometheus deranged - unites...Nebudchadnezzar with Log??!?
No se puede vivir sin amar. Wine and pasta, enjoy.
mutual first date. RIIIING *mumble grumble.* she said "LA CASA" annoyed
Buzz cut blind, a pillar of strength: it's Solomon's ploy
indoctrinated liberal hippies verse autonomous joy
He's a jerk. She's a nympho acting laudably coy
Evolution's so hypocritical and possibly void...
evolution's so critical and Santa Clauses me toys :)
dissolution's subliminal, that's what it costs to rejoice
incompatible grown men is what it costs to be boys
mutual funds and stock growth. Hotel Grapefruit serrated the spoon
oooowwcinayesuuuhaiiiiEYEluh...luh...LUVVV YOUUU: he's serenading the moon
homeless savant turned corporate exec painted buffoon. Your LORD -
East of Eden, meet the heathen who God saved
Cain's murderous rage birthing daughters from Pompeii
original...what? The screaming clay visage of God's face.
Most of humanity erased; I guess I have the taste of an odd geek
It's why I take massive drugs, fuck cyber whores and chug Knob Creek
Call me Juan Don Sheik - Chillin' with Mad Max and canned dog meat
everything repeats. At the apex of a black citadel's monolithic facade
Undulating...the epochs of change, the rhythms of God
Intensify your thoughts beyond this violet prism of thought
a Palestinian fallen, living under this fleeting prison of Saul.



.

[Witty]

*Alarm sounds*
Fuckin' phone..

My temple's thumping like something's hitting me
...and why does my brain feel like it's bruised?
Shit...booze...and as I fumble with the keys
It slips loose...pick it up, hit snooze, back to slumber
Get some z's.

*Alarm sounds*
Fuckin' phone..

Sahara mouthed, I groan, the core of my mind implored
To find the store of energy, I can do this, I'm a Lord
I AM MIGHTY THOR!!!
So why does even standing up feel like a fight, a chore?
The light is sore on my eyes, I yawn and let out a mighty roar
Eyes shut, I slide along the vinyl floor, trying to find the door
I feel vomit rushing up thru my gullet like a tidal bore
And I'm just trying to find the shore, as behind my pores
Stale alcohol pools up from the night before
Standing upright, I'm an Irishman from a clan that loves fights
And alcohol, I'll be damned if I can't withstand a rough night
Quick glance towards the bed - to see what my love's like
Even she is out of bed already..I'm getting old..fuck...right..
left...one foot after another, I make my way to the staircase
Stare straight, as a rare Kate Bush track comes on the airwaves
I do a little shuffle...a dance...and I trip up on my pants
Head first down the stairs...man, what the fuck is the chance?
And as I stare at my world upside down...cursing my luck..
I see the blood....the mud...and the plants.
The toppled bookshelf, tv smashed and the mirrors broken
The little okean dining table where we eat our dinner - soaken
A pool of crimson lays atop it
"Baby who you kidding, you tryna play me? this is crazy stop it!
I'm hungover Katie, I hope u don't plan to leave this mess and make me mop it!"
No reply...No longer hungover I jump into my sober mind
What the fuck to do? The cops!...I pick up the phone...It dies...
Fucking line disconnected? Now I need my mind disinfected
Cuz the thoughts I'm having now are filthy, I try not to cry
This is hectic, I rush to throw on some shoes and a shirt
Training my mind to shut out the hues of blues as they spurt
"Everything's cool...maybe I'm just confused..she's at work
Fuck they close Sunday" I'm going crazy...as something moves
And before I know it I'm attacked, I feel the steel crack on my head
"A deal's a deal...your wife won't be coming back, cuz she's dead"

I open my eyes, for the third time today, my blurred mind astray
She's dead because of me, I'm a deadbeat on my knees
It's search time...tryna blurt lines...something to give him peace of mind
Because if I come up with nothing, he'll take a piece of mine
A life of gambling alcohol, borrowing money from the meanest guys
I'm a fiend disguised as pristine, although this guy seems brittle
He ain't nothing, I'm big...he's kinda lean, but size means little
When he has a double barrel shotgun hanging between his thighs
Fuck it, why even bother fighting? I'd been waiting for this scene to rise
I BEG him to pull it, won't feign surprise...not after my Queen's demise
He throws an Ace of Hearts at me...then puts a bullet between my eyes

[Bladed Thesis]

.


The year 57 A.M.F. By Roman calendars it's twenty-two fourteen
After Man's Fall...I rule the Earth. Drug fueled, a Newport King.
great start, really sets the tone. Wording is on point throughout, multi is original and relavent.
Cyborg Columbia Grad, CEO mutant technology/State fiend
I sniff a line of this metallic gray coke, and drift into a daydream:
decent imagery and backstory but the multi is basic and not very impactful enough. Also, this is a syllable heavy set of lines, really weighed down the flow imo.
Death's a facade.
it's night vision penetrating the misty depths of a fog.
Disciplinarian, laissez-faire; a lesson from God
Prometheus deranged - unites...Nebudchadnezzar with Log??!?
very sick. Wording is near perfect, great vocab, multi on point, everything fits perfectly with the atmosphere of this piece and the backstory you're creating.
No se puede vivir sin amar. Wine and pasta, enjoy.
mutual first date. RIIIING *mumble grumble.* she said "LA CASA" annoyed
Buzz cut blind, a pillar of strength: it's Solomon's ploy
indoctrinated liberal hippies verse autonomous joy
He's a jerk. She's a nympho acting laudably coy
kind of all over the place at this point, going from the broad to the specific as far as scope. Multi works for the first two lines but if you were hoping they were the same multi of lines three and beyond, doesn't really fit for me. But thankfully lines 3 and on work together so the multi still can work.
Evolution's so hypocritical and possibly void...
evolution's so critical and Santa Clauses me toys :)
dissolution's subliminal, that's what it costs to rejoice
incompatible grown men is what it costs to be boys
Not very coherent, in my opinion, as far as being on topic. These lines are where you start to get all over the place. The previous references of God and such made sense in context but here the mentio of evolution and the duality of the following line just don't seem to make sense in the piece. Clarification is needed for me here.
mutual funds and stock growth. Hotel Grapefruit serrated the spoon
oooowwcinayesuuuhaiiiiEYEluh...luh...LUVVV YOUUU: he's serenading the moon
Eh, decent. Seems a forced line put in for the multi as you could completely remove the stock market talk and replace it with anything else. Topic is starting to get murky, to by honest...
homeless savant turned corporate exec painted buffoon. Your LORD -
This line is just.. there. Doesn't really fit with the lines above it as far as context and doesn't fit with what follows really. Also, I'm a big symmetry kind of guy so a single line without rhyme support just seems out of place in the layout of your verse. Unless I missed something...
East of Eden, meet the heathen who God saved
Cain's murderous rage birthing daughters from Pompeii
original...what? The screaming clay visage of God's face.
Very nice, East of Eden fits very well within the piece, great vocab and wording, multi is on point for me and smooth. Great set here.
Most of humanity erased; I guess I have the taste of an odd geek
It's why I take massive drugs, fuck cyber whores and chug Knob Creek
Call me Juan Don Sheik - Chillin' with Mad Max and canned dog meat
Cool. References are all cool and add to the atmosphere, wording is okay though the multi is a bit basic, three word/three syllable layout.
everything repeats. At the apex of a black citadel's monolithic facade
Undulating...the epochs of change, the rhythms of God
Intensify your thoughts beyond this violet prism of thought
a Palestinian fallen, living under this fleeting prison of Saul.
Nice ending, closed with some good lines and continued references. Wording returned to being on point and strong metaphors.

Overall: an inconsistent performance for both content and wording. Vocab was strong throughout and, besides for maybe one or two parts, you stayed on topic and maintained the atmosphere of the piece. Only had small complaints with your multies for the most part and, besides them being a little too basic at times, they worked out and kept your flow consistent. Only at one point did I think your verse lost it's flow and luckily it was early on where I felt you clogged too many syllables into one line and then used a short multi without any internal multies to maintain the flow.
*Alarm sounds*
Fuckin' phone..

My temple's thumping like something's hitting me
...and why does my brain feel like it's bruised?
Shit...booze...and as I fumble with the keys
It slips loose...pick it up, hit snooze, back to slumber
Get some z's.
Okay, decent opening. I'm interested. Flow is choppy to start as far as rhyme placement. I'm fine with prose that doesn't rhyme but if you're going to rhyme, start off rhyming. The flow is awkward to start as you go through two lines before the flow hits with "it's bruised" followed up in great fashion with "shit..booze" to re-assert the flow. But then you throw "with the keys" to end the line, continue the flow you were just establishing with "slips loose" and then re-establish a rhyme that (for me) didn't seem important when I was trying to establish the flow by ending with "get some z's". Basically, I'm saying your flow is all over the place to start as you took too long to establish the flow then it gets semi-confusing as, just when you establish it, you change it on the reader and change the flow rhymthm.
*Alarm sounds*
Fuckin' phone..

Sahara mouthed, I groan, the core of my mind implored
To find the store of energy, I can do this, I'm a Lord
I AM MIGHTY THOR!!!
So why does even standing up feel like a fight, a chore?
The light is sore on my eyes, I yawn and let out a mighty roar
Eyes shut, I slide along the vinyl floor, trying to find the door
I feel vomit rushing up thru my gullet like a tidal bore
And I'm just trying to find the shore, as behind my pores
Stale alcohol pools up from the night before
Love the multi and the flow, very fast-paced and yet keeping up the action. As far as content, decent descriptions and action, though we're really brought into the mind of the guy. After hearing from Witty, his use of tidal bore makes sense and the imagery works, especially when linked with the following line that follows along with the metaphor with shore.
Standing upright, I'm an Irishman from a clan that loves fights
And alcohol, I'll be damned if I can't withstand a rough night
Quick glance towards the bed - to see what my love's like
Even she is out of bed already..I'm getting old..fuck...right..
Decent content and multi, though you repeated the use of "stand" and then abandoned the "-and" part of the multi: standing upright/clan that loves fights/withstand a rough night/ into what my love's like/getting old..fuck..right.. Just pointing it out. The piece has a decent mood but really is starting to slow as there's not much action for a piece focused on a person. Make him do something.
left...one foot after another, I make my way to the staircase
Stare straight, as a rare Kate Bush track comes on the airwaves
I do a little shuffle...a dance...and I trip up on my pants
Head first down the stairs...man, what the fuck is the chance?
Haha, aight. Some humor, really saved these section as, like I said, your reader wants this guy to do something, some action, something... Then you start this section about him walking and I was like "oh fuck" but the humor really saved it and helped lifted this section up. Not bad overall, rhymes are on point. Flow is still consistent if not just a little too basic. But it works as you're talking to the reader.
And as I stare at my world upside down...cursing my luck..
I see the blood....the mud...and the plants.
This is one line and really throws off your flow. I got caught up on the cursing my luck as I thought you were about to change the multi but then got the end of the second line and remembered the "fuck is the chance" multi and was a little shocked to be honest. U pto this point, your flow (after the start) was one of your really strongest parts.
The toppled bookshelf, tv smashed and the mirrors broken
The little okean dining table where we eat our dinner - soaken
Forced multi, in my opinion. To spell it out phonetically, for me "meer-or" doesn't rhyme with "dinn-er". Also, the use of the word soaken feels wrong but you used it for the multi. You wouldn't say your dinner table is soaken. You'd say it was soaked. Otherwise, the content here is decent as he surveys the area after falling.
A pool of crimson lays atop it
"Baby who you kidding, you tryna play me? this is crazy stop it!
I'm hungover Katie, I hope u don't plan to leave this mess and make me mop it!"
The guy starts to speak. He's shocked at the mess, the plot thickens. Cool.
No reply...No longer hungover I jump into my sober mind
What the fuck to do? The cops!...I pick up the phone...It dies...
Fucking line disconnected? Now I need my mind disinfected
Cuz the thoughts I'm having now are filthy, I try not to cry
Maybe it's just me but nothing in this section rhymes together. The inner multi of disconnected and disinfected work but, up to this point, you've been using multies in couplets and now you're a little all over the place. This can work to your advantage because, you're telling this from the fallen guy's perspective, he could be just shocked out of his mind and that's the reason your lines don't rhyme. But I don't think that's the case.
This is hectic, I rush to throw on some shoes and a shirt
Training my mind to shut out the hues of blues as they spurt
"Everything's cool...maybe I'm just confused..she's at work
Is the multi disinfected/this is hectic because if so what about the line in between. Again, your flow up to five lines or so ago was your strong part and now it's a little too all over the place and disjointed. Content is decent, multi here works. Topic/story is progressing and we the reader are learning more.
Fuck they close Sunday" I'm going crazy...as something moves
And before I know it I'm attacked, I feel the steel crack on my head
"A deal's a deal...your wife won't be coming back, cuz she's dead"
First line is the turning point, the twist if you will, and then the attack. Flow is decent last two lines but, again, first line has no pairing to rhyme and the flow you've established isn't here.

I open my eyes, for the third time today, my blurred mind astray
She's dead because of me, I'm a deadbeat on my knees
Inner rhymes, no end rhyme. But decent flow for the shortened pacing. Content is cool here as we get the story/topic developed.
It's search time...tryna blurt lines...something to give him peace of mind
Because if I come up with nothing, he'll take a piece of mine
peace of mind/piece of mine really played out as far as a concept and Metaphorical twist of wordplay. And, to be honest, with the content of this topic and where you're taking it, wasn't really necessary and didn't really add to what you're trying to close with here. Felt out of place. These two lines really don't effect the story you're closing right now. They seem wasted and, in a closing, the final punch or final round, wasted space is bad. Here's where you land home the final blow for the readers, where you settle everything and leave them with something but then again, in a way, leave them with nothing. So to have lines that are unimportant just drops this section down a bit.
A life of gambling alcohol, borrowing money from the meanest guys
I'm a fiend disguised as pristine, although this guy seems brittle
He ain't nothing, I'm big...he's kinda lean, but size means little
When he has a double barrel shotgun hanging between his thighs
Fuck it, why even bother fighting? I'd been waiting for this scene to rise
Here is where you bring out the topic/story, end it for us and nail it home. The multi in the middle throws your flow off but the two lines work together and I think were pretty god, just in the wrong place. The content of what you're saying is cool if not a little predictable. Vocab is all right, tit for tat multies.
I BEG him to pull it, won't feign surprise...not after my Queen's demise
He throws an Ace of Hearts at me...then puts a bullet between my eyes
Strong end, in my opinion, though the Ace of Hearts seems out of place as there wasn't really a reference previously so it doesn't make sense except for an artful addition to the piece. Multi is the same multi from before and really works here to maintain the flow as you end it. Honestly, you could've cut four lines from this ending section of 11 lines and it would've been much better. Two lines were throw away and two were out of place and probably better placed elsewhere.

Overall: a somewhat predictable story but told relatively well. Flow started rough, got really good and then you kind of hit an awkward stage where you were up and down, in flow and out and that really hurt you as you tried to convey the idea you had in mind for this topic. Multies weren't too insanely complex but they worked and fit your piece and the very personal feel of the story. None the less, your multies had struggles. Vocab wasn't too crazy but you didn't need to because, like I said, its more of a personal piece and getting to wordy or overpowering with vocab takes away the personality. That being said, as far as vocab goes you seemed to misuse a word or two or at least had them in places where their actually meaning felt out of place.


Flow: Totoro. He was more consistent with his flow, stronger pacing and better layout.
Topic: Tied. Two difference approaches. One personal and one more overarching. Both had their issues and both had moments where the topic disappeared from lines.
Vocab: Totoro. Witty's misuse of a few words hurt him because other than that, they were pretty neck and neck.
Multies: Totoro. Stronger use of the multi to convey the flow and story as well as maintained his multies throughout without any confusing gaps or changes.
Imagery: Tied. Both came at this differently with Totoro using the imagery of the scenes he painted and landscape of the future he created whereas Witty painted a very personal imagery that hit-home. Neither did anything to pull away from the other in this department.

Overall: Totoro. Stronger verse. Made better use of his multies and stayed consistent. My breakdown of each verse as well as explained categories should make this vote self-explanatory but, as always, feel free to ask me for clarification.

[oats]

Totoro: it took me a while to get into this, which is rare when reading one of your verses. The writing was good, strong rhyming and plenty of stand-out lines to keep me moving. But it took me a number of reads before making sense of a lot of it, and there are still some gaps. I like that this is open for me to find my own meaning of it, but I think it could have benefitted from some concrete detail to separate his daydreams from his reality (though the blurring of the two is purposeful, I'd imagine, and the implications are not lost on me). I like the death's a facade couplet, as well as the evolution is (hypo)critical bar, as those are vital in understanding the background story of this rags to riches story of the future. Overall, lots of interesting thoughts interwoven in this, but not without its stumbles.


Witty: the pace of your writing is really unique. it's frenetic, and once it reveals itself it becomes easy to fall into the flow, even on the occasions with jarring breaks from the rhyme. your writing is good, and the rhyming was strong for the most part (couple lines weren't particularly great, but not every bar is meant to be an extravagant rhyme). The story progression was good, took me from the stumbling home drunkenness, paced around the house, to the slow piecing together of fairly obvious clues, but of course when you're hammered it takes a while to figure it all out. So it worked.

The ending seemed predictable, but it was also seamless. I don't know another scenario that would have worked as well tbh, so better to go with the one that makes the most sense, even if it seemed obvious. Overall this was a dope story, and I enjoyed it a lot.


Vote: This is super close. Totoro had a psychedelic daydream of the future, Witty had a Guy Ritchie-esque scene of a man coming home to his dead wife. Both were dope, with minor grievances popping up here and there. Totoro had a more engrossing, interesting verse, but it was hard to make sense of in places - I would have liked to see more meditation on the isolation of immense power and how that affected him, which would have made his thoughts a bit more coherent and meaningful. Witty's main gripe was that his verse was predictable, and didn't leap out at me or leave me with any lingering feeling.

I've reread these both numerous times, and it's tough to find something that separates one from the other. My gut feeling is that Witty executed his topic more successfully, so I'm going with that. Best battle I've read this week.

[King Ra.]

NYC, I read this piece in Open Mic but stumbling upon this match, I was surprised to see this was your piece this week. Either case you know my take on this. It is written with your top notch writing ability, but I wouldn't say this was one of your best written. I really enjoyed the content and countless references. Had some cool phrasing as well. As for relation to a topic, that's where the confusion comes in. From the selected topics this week, I had a hard time trying to figure out which one goes with your piece. I figured it'd be one of the dream related ones or possibly the most powerful man one but that really isn't clearly stated here. Solid job writing though. Witty, it's nice to see you back at it. I immediately was drawn in to your story. The topic you chose seemed to be one of the rare ones that no one else went for this week and you did a great job with it's direction. The storytelling was damn near great, I guess what took a bit from it for me would be the ending, which came a bit unexpected. Aside from that, your details and well written schemes really drove your piece, and you strung everything nicely. While NYC had better content, you had the more complete piece.

This was a no brainer for me. Really I felt while NYC had the more content packed piece, it doesn't seem to tie in with a specific topic and some kind of indication would have helped a bit, though this certainly reads more like a flex for open mic. Witty really impressed me with a great story with the topic choice he went with and wrote it very well.

MVGT: Witty. Good job to both competitors.

[timeless]

Nyc, this was entertaining to say the least, that santa clause line was priceless, the smiley face had me rollin lol. But yo as much as I did like it, I didnt. As much detail as there was, a lot of it strayed and was hard to keep up with it. The wordplay was dope, multis and flow were on point etc.

Wit, this was cool, it took a little bit for me to get into it. Some forced wording, I enjoyed how you ran with it though. Just wish there was more of a backstory to it, felt it took to long to introduce what was actually going on.

Hard one for me, toto killed that flow tho, his content was dope but I dont think you had a better take on a topic this week than wit. Witty had a good mix of comedy and emotion into a pretty well rounded story and was the more enjoyable read for me.

V. Witty

[Certain]

Totoro: This was a very cool, slickly written verse, which is what we have come to expect from you. But I did have a problem with the relation to the topic. So much of this was a commentary on how man fell rather than what comes next. I really liked the part about evolution, and I thought it was funny that Knob Creek lasts another 200 years. This was a cool verse to read, but I didn't think the topic provided a clear enough thread linking the verse. In essence, while the topic was vague enough that the verse didn't go against it, it also didn't embody the topic the way I prefer.

Witty: This verse was all over the place. As always, your rhymes were your strength, and the more you let them carry the verse, the better. But the content was really, really weak. You spent most of the verse describing a single scene that led up to the topic (and actually had me thrown a bit as to which topic you were writing to), then barely went into any detail about what happened. I wasn't confused, but I wanted more specificity to give me more emotional attachment. The attack could have been described more, too. Instead we got a shitload of hangover description and not much else. And the ending was rather trite. You also sort of nullified Totoro's weakness by not hitting on the topic until near the end of the first stanza, and your verse wasn't as compelling in a void.

Vote: Totoro

[e11even]

NYC- this was a crazy drop. I felt pulled in diff directions most of the piece, but your language felt fresh and almost natural. The story didn't generously give of itself to help me understand the total picture, so I only caught certain parts. Great rhyming and interesting imagery throughout though. Good job overall.

Witty- this felt like a cool way to tell the story you told. It felt like a real event and very straightforward. Your rhyming was consistent and even, and it helped guide the story along nicely. I think this was a cool verse, and an ok ending. I think more should have been said of the bad guys and the man's addiction but it was good overall.

MVGT witty for a more overall enjoyable and cohesive piece.