Quote:
Originally Posted by Coup
trench war politics, bricks to keep the stench in,
high school hiding spot, where kids would learn to French kiss,
and sip up off of the liquor drinks to stagger from establishment,
romanticizing sex with every chick they've ever had it with...
greetings,
I thought you killed it on this^^
so much depth and range in that, with the first line being really strong...followed by a strong 3rd line. added some tone to the run of the mill young-dumb-and-then-some sex stuff kids do....set a backdrop that reps. the angst of high school.
maybe add some more details inbetween the infatuation with the girl and the murder, you left a gap there...which made this a bit airy, seeing as you touched and left hanging a political and other themes. just some thoughts.
good voice tho
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probably my favourite four lines I've written so far.
thanks for the feed, friend.
10-30-2013, 12:26 AM
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