Round One: Argh vs. (Alt) 2tripple0 [OPEN FOR VOTES]

Adonis · 01-02-2016, 12:42 PM

Winter Topical II: Round One

SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due JAN. 11th
MONDAY at 9 P.M. Pacific/West Coast or MONDAY 11:59 PM Eastern / 6:00 AM TUESDAY JAN. 12th Central European/London
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Thursday at 4:00 p.m. Western / or Thursday 7:00 PM Eastern / 1:00 AM Friday Central European/London Failure to vote will result in NEGATIVE VOTES if you advance to the next round.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? You can technically start a match down three votes by failing to log a single vote the previous week.

so....

All competitors must vote on THREE battles

Read the full rules here!

Topic:

G/luck

@Argh @Maximus

Argh · 01-02-2016, 03:53 PM

Rwar.

Maximus · 01-02-2016, 06:12 PM

Okkkkkk

Argh · 01-07-2016, 08:58 PM

Rear View

His entire existence consisted of structure and routes,
as steady as the brake pedal held firmly under his boot.
Bus stop numbers in view, he attentively eyed the road
until his daily mass of passengers safely arrived at home.
With no more rides to go, he snapped out of driving mode,
sinking into the mattress where he spent his nights alone.

The bus braved its morning run, minutes wandered by.
Suddenly, a rear view mirror reflection caught his eye,
producing a magnetism greater than physics allowed,
he watched the woman gently press lipstick to mouth.
The same lipstick he used to see around his apartment,
tube on the nightstand, smudges left the sheets darkened.
Heavy hearted, he recalled her specific shade of coral,
her light trail of freckles, her perfume stained with florals
...before he hated the world. Now, his vision was clearer
and it kept seeing ugly reminders in the rear view mirror
like the rider with the same wavy hazel hair she had,
or a giggling girl in the back row who shared her laugh.
Nothing was there, in fact, so he tried to forget all of it
but...bus stop to bus stop...her death still haunted him.

Harsh hospital lights, rounds of checkers to pass time,
a massive maze of tubes, the “beep” when she flatlined.
All the while, he just sat by...kind of like how he sits now,
shoulders slumped, as the wheels go 'round and 'round.
Against the vibrating sound of horns, gears and pistons,
the bus held the travelers’ weight; he carried hers with him.
It was an impending collision, bred from pure remorse.
He imagined what would happen if he veered off course,
his hands steering toward an oak tree or oncoming traffic,
wheels spinning wildly, the bus twisting up into a backflip.
The scene would be tragic. All he had to do was let go….
With a yank of the lever, the bus doors ricocheted closed.

________________________________________________

Topic

Adonis · 01-12-2016, 11:50 AM

I learned a few lessons confidence began to infect this invention
So when we session don't expect it not to land on your chin
Some people noticed others didnt cuz you only explained in minutes
Frigid women stuck in the kitchen a hellhole did he say it well
Quest I avoid message tenderloin meat and protein
My genes where sheep fall in deep reef speak of a speech
Texture like heat furnace furry her tails my coin loss
More taste count duke out I'm drenched in soy sauce
Deliberate passage consider habitat they clash inside casssius
Merry folk this cherry pop I was talking about diction
Threw dairy milk in a bucket its conviction upheaves its prison
I'm free of its aristocratic demands this period spans
Tell me more of this language I'm not asking you to make me a sandwich
I know which one does I filled some wine jugs washed and ready to impress
Now that topic u dread digress hot off the press
Now you tell those you call your real friends
It ain't bout blood it ain't bout bone no more
Its like watching ships set sail people come and they go

I've decided while providing something to collide with
I'm sniping conquer divides sponsorship to write quick
Neslee straw a hole in the grand canyon what pale to fill it with
Illigite repping syndacite its the infamous correcting syllabus
I'm different they said I won't end up like my close friends
People lying their whole lives even when they're dead
Look how much time I've spent these people would laugh at the results
Called adults when they know those they indulge would aid those corrupt
I hate to think those in power who provide this product
Would agree that my time period made them find it insulting
Just stop conducting these inventions if that's the truth
Nothings going to lose my muse those of you willing to suffer with these rules
But there are others there under my roof and doing things you most certainly

Do...

Topic:

Submitted by 2Tripple0 before deadline

Pent uP · 01-12-2016, 09:16 PM

Argh -- queen of characterization. - (dr.) dog, probably. Sorry, odd reference. Seriously though very strong characterization...i had found a few spots where wording was an issue, but then i came up to the ending and it was delightful. Absolutely nailed it (the ending). Take on the topic was loose but it worked, word choice was tough at times but better at others. I think i rememver you saying you write the endings first? If so that makes sense here. Anyway. Solid

2trip -- i think ive said this to you before, and if i havent then here it is: punctuate. Even if you do it incorrectly - i bet your verse will be easier to read. This was a bit over the place. I thought it was weird how your topic had music stuff in it, your verse however had a trail of food related thoughts and flips. Overall very scatterbrained approach.

Vote argh

UnbornBuddha · 01-13-2016, 01:36 AM

Argh/ B.E: B.E is a prettier moniker by the way. Anyways, its obvious you took this round. And I had my doubts that it was actually you, but you have a very distinct style. One of the most methodical I have had the privilege to read. As for the verse itself, I too felt there were some wording issues mainly because you tried to keep the compact syllabic rhythm, "press lipstick to mouth", sounded weird. It needs a pronoun before the mouth, or another simple word to make it less rough in the eyes or ears, depending if read out loud. The theme and story was nice, I have no complain about it. One thing I will say is that your style sometimes is a bit dull in the beginning, it never really opens up with a BANG. It's just this steady details, sometimes the littlest minutia, slumped shoulders for example, your attention to details is good. But, sometimes it deters from the grander picture of captivating the reader. A pleasant read though.

2Trip: I don't know what exactly you were going for here. I agree punctuation will help your piece. There were some lines that showed promise, but some of the follow-up phrasing was weird, i.g. tenderloin meat, soy sauce...

Vote: Argh

Witty · 01-13-2016, 07:08 PM

B.E - Cool verse, it was a nice and consistently well written piece, it wasn't the most exciting story and did lull in to dullness a few times, maybe it was just the concept that I didn't feel was particularly great, but the writing was very good, from a technical standpoint I really have no complaints. You wrote well, told a clear story and had some very interesting word choices. Good stuff.

2tripple0 - I have no idea what this piece is about, therefore I can not leave feedback. It just seems like random words thrown together.

Vote - B.E.

Adonis · 01-13-2016, 07:15 PM

Argh up 3-0

Soulstice · 01-13-2016, 08:15 PM

BE - Rhyme scheme was a little rusty. Morbid tkae on the topic and I like how it was cyclical in a way. The wheels in the bus go round and round.. story was structured well and imagery was cool. kind of reached me in a the only thing that snaps us out of the ordinary is tragedy way.

2triple0 - this reminds me of a guy on pr who used to post insanely long rhythes and they were just rambling. it was kind of hilarious. does anyone remember his name?

in all seriousness, punctuate I guess

v/ be

Diode · 01-13-2016, 09:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soulstice

BE - Rhyme scheme was a little rusty. Morbid tkae on the topic and I like how it was cyclical in a way. The wheels in the bus go round and round.. story was structured well and imagery was cool. kind of reached me in a the only thing that snaps us out of the ordinary is tragedy way.

2triple0 - this reminds me of a guy on pr who used to post insanely long rhythes and they were just rambling. it was kind of hilarious. does anyone remember his name?

in all seriousness, punctuate I guess

v/ be

it's the same guy, fyi. and he still hates MANTIS MANIA.

e11even · 01-14-2016, 01:26 AM

Argh- This was terrific and concisely written. Your story was apt in its space with grace and description indicative of a novel. Well done. Your rhyming was fundamentally structured, but the pacing was superb. Great job.

Tripple- three words: lots of drugs. I know this was the result of some kind of high. This is train-of-thought on tabs. I like some of the ideas separately, but obviously the mash wasn't good. This was a lengthy challenge to get through which is impressive in itself. Punctuation and structure was off but predictable imo given the content. Thanks for showing regardless.

MVGT BE for the overall more enjoyable read.

Diode · 01-14-2016, 09:45 AM

anyway.

BE writes pretty prose. the setup and twist were a bit on the nose though. this type of thing has been done to death (no pun intended).
2crip writes the delusions of a ghostly subway figure telling you to get off his train.

i don't think i need to break this down. i'm kind of impressed 2crip both showed and tried to write a topical piece of some sort, tbh. it's more than bags did.

v/ BE

Frank · 01-14-2016, 03:56 PM

Argh, You were rather harsh in your analyzing of my story about Snow White & The Seven Dwarves. Why is that? Lolol You deemed it laborious, which I interpreted as you wanting to have my baby. I interpreted Laborious as in 9 months later, I was going to be your Topical Baby Father. It puzzles me how you felt the need to be so over analytical when you aren't in any position to be. You clearly don't deserve the spot before me. How on earth did you convince the higher ups that you were a 4th slot? Lolol. I would love to force you, out of your comfort zone one of these days.

Voting Argh

After breezing through your writing with zero reaction. I can conclude, put simply, you are Simply superficial, Shallow and rather stale stylistically speaking, you are a Ditz and you write daintyly. I am dumbfounded that you have the audacity to belittle a superior writer?

Construct your fucking face

That is all.

Oh yeah,

and eat a dick

01-02-2016, 12:42 PM	#1
Adonis Tsk Tsk Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Beer Goggles Posts: 4,834 Battle Record: 36-34 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - NFL Pick'em 2016-17 Rep Power: 9946446	Round One: Argh vs. (Alt) 2tripple0 [OPEN FOR VOTES] Winter Topical II: Round One SUMMARY OF RULES: Verses are due JAN. 11th MONDAY at 9 P.M. Pacific/West Coast or MONDAY 11:59 PM Eastern / 6:00 AM TUESDAY JAN. 12th Central European/London There are NO extensions. Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words). Votes are due Thursday at 4:00 p.m. Western / or Thursday 7:00 PM Eastern / 1:00 AM Friday Central European/London Failure to vote will result in NEGATIVE VOTES if you advance to the next round. WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? You can technically start a match down three votes by failing to log a single vote the previous week. so.... All competitors must vote on THREE battles Read the full rules here! Topic: G/luck @Argh @Maximus __________________ I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR Last edited by Adonis; 01-12-2016 at 07:21 PM.

01-07-2016, 08:58 PM	#4
Argh Member Join Date: Dec 2015 Posts: 34 Rep Power: 3436001	Rear View His entire existence consisted of structure and routes, as steady as the brake pedal held firmly under his boot. Bus stop numbers in view, he attentively eyed the road until his daily mass of passengers safely arrived at home. With no more rides to go, he snapped out of driving mode, sinking into the mattress where he spent his nights alone. The bus braved its morning run, minutes wandered by. Suddenly, a rear view mirror reflection caught his eye, producing a magnetism greater than physics allowed, he watched the woman gently press lipstick to mouth. The same lipstick he used to see around his apartment, tube on the nightstand, smudges left the sheets darkened. Heavy hearted, he recalled her specific shade of coral, her light trail of freckles, her perfume stained with florals ...before he hated the world. Now, his vision was clearer and it kept seeing ugly reminders in the rear view mirror like the rider with the same wavy hazel hair she had, or a giggling girl in the back row who shared her laugh. Nothing was there, in fact, so he tried to forget all of it but...bus stop to bus stop...her death still haunted him. Harsh hospital lights, rounds of checkers to pass time, a massive maze of tubes, the “beep” when she flatlined. All the while, he just sat by...kind of like how he sits now, shoulders slumped, as the wheels go 'round and 'round. Against the vibrating sound of horns, gears and pistons, the bus held the travelers’ weight; he carried hers with him. It was an impending collision, bred from pure remorse. He imagined what would happen if he veered off course, his hands steering toward an oak tree or oncoming traffic, wheels spinning wildly, the bus twisting up into a backflip. The scene would be tragic. All he had to do was let go…. With a yank of the lever, the bus doors ricocheted closed. ________________________________________________ Topic Last edited by Argh; 01-08-2016 at 11:09 PM.

01-12-2016, 11:50 AM	#5
Adonis Tsk Tsk Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Beer Goggles Posts: 4,834 Battle Record: 36-34 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - NFL Pick'em 2016-17 Rep Power: 9946446	I learned a few lessons confidence began to infect this invention So when we session don't expect it not to land on your chin Some people noticed others didnt cuz you only explained in minutes Frigid women stuck in the kitchen a hellhole did he say it well Quest I avoid message tenderloin meat and protein My genes where sheep fall in deep reef speak of a speech Texture like heat furnace furry her tails my coin loss More taste count duke out I'm drenched in soy sauce Deliberate passage consider habitat they clash inside casssius Merry folk this cherry pop I was talking about diction Threw dairy milk in a bucket its conviction upheaves its prison I'm free of its aristocratic demands this period spans Tell me more of this language I'm not asking you to make me a sandwich I know which one does I filled some wine jugs washed and ready to impress Now that topic u dread digress hot off the press Now you tell those you call your real friends It ain't bout blood it ain't bout bone no more Its like watching ships set sail people come and they go I've decided while providing something to collide with I'm sniping conquer divides sponsorship to write quick Neslee straw a hole in the grand canyon what pale to fill it with Illigite repping syndacite its the infamous correcting syllabus I'm different they said I won't end up like my close friends People lying their whole lives even when they're dead Look how much time I've spent these people would laugh at the results Called adults when they know those they indulge would aid those corrupt I hate to think those in power who provide this product Would agree that my time period made them find it insulting Just stop conducting these inventions if that's the truth Nothings going to lose my muse those of you willing to suffer with these rules But there are others there under my roof and doing things you most certainly Do... Topic: Submitted by 2Tripple0 before deadline __________________ I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR Last edited by Adonis; 01-12-2016 at 07:20 PM.

01-13-2016, 01:36 AM	#7
UnbornBuddha Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 1,008 Battle Record: 23-10 Champed - Art of Writing League - AOWL Season 5 Rep Power: 23856376	Argh/ B.E: B.E is a prettier moniker by the way. Anyways, its obvious you took this round. And I had my doubts that it was actually you, but you have a very distinct style. One of the most methodical I have had the privilege to read. As for the verse itself, I too felt there were some wording issues mainly because you tried to keep the compact syllabic rhythm, "press lipstick to mouth", sounded weird. It needs a pronoun before the mouth, or another simple word to make it less rough in the eyes or ears, depending if read out loud. The theme and story was nice, I have no complain about it. One thing I will say is that your style sometimes is a bit dull in the beginning, it never really opens up with a BANG. It's just this steady details, sometimes the littlest minutia, slumped shoulders for example, your attention to details is good. But, sometimes it deters from the grander picture of captivating the reader. A pleasant read though. 2Trip: I don't know what exactly you were going for here. I agree punctuation will help your piece. There were some lines that showed promise, but some of the follow-up phrasing was weird, i.g. tenderloin meat, soy sauce... Vote: Argh Last edited by UnbornBuddha; 01-13-2016 at 01:57 AM.

01-13-2016, 07:08 PM	#8
Witty Lime Life Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 16,801 Battle Record: 30-41 Accomplishments - Only Slightly Retarded Champed - Lyric Olympics - Summer Classic Rep Power: 82986458	B.E - Cool verse, it was a nice and consistently well written piece, it wasn't the most exciting story and did lull in to dullness a few times, maybe it was just the concept that I didn't feel was particularly great, but the writing was very good, from a technical standpoint I really have no complaints. You wrote well, told a clear story and had some very interesting word choices. Good stuff. 2tripple0 - I have no idea what this piece is about, therefore I can not leave feedback. It just seems like random words thrown together. Vote - B.E. __________________ He listens to voices inside of his mind Explicit and poisonous violent crime.

01-02-2016, 03:53 PM	#2
Argh Member Join Date: Dec 2015 Posts: 34 Rep Power: 3436001	Rwar.

01-02-2016, 06:12 PM	#3
Maximus Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 923 Battle Record: 25-26 Champed - NBL Cypher Rep Power: 11169469	Okkkkkk

01-13-2016, 07:15 PM	#9
Adonis Tsk Tsk Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: Beer Goggles Posts: 4,834 Battle Record: 36-34 Champed - Lime Green Poetry Association - NFL Pick'em 2016-17 Rep Power: 9946446	Argh up 3-0 __________________ I'm tryna fuck like A-don-is TUPAC SHAKUR

01-14-2016, 01:26 AM	#12
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247256	Argh- This was terrific and concisely written. Your story was apt in its space with grace and description indicative of a novel. Well done. Your rhyming was fundamentally structured, but the pacing was superb. Great job. Tripple- three words: lots of drugs. I know this was the result of some kind of high. This is train-of-thought on tabs. I like some of the ideas separately, but obviously the mash wasn't good. This was a lengthy challenge to get through which is impressive in itself. Punctuation and structure was off but predictable imo given the content. Thanks for showing regardless. MVGT BE for the overall more enjoyable read. __________________ Ahem.

01-14-2016, 09:45 AM	#13
Diode PR's Finest Join Date: Aug 2013 Posts: 14,157 Battle Record: 12-7 Rep Power: 85899406	anyway. BE writes pretty prose. the setup and twist were a bit on the nose though. this type of thing has been done to death (no pun intended). 2crip writes the delusions of a ghostly subway figure telling you to get off his train. i don't think i need to break this down. i'm kind of impressed 2crip both showed and tried to write a topical piece of some sort, tbh. it's more than bags did. v/ BE __________________

01-14-2016, 03:56 PM	#14
Frank Senior Member Join Date: Oct 2001 Posts: 3,228 Champed - NWL Season 2 - Art of Writing League (5x) - Lime Green Poetry Association - AOWL Season 6 - AOWL Season 10 Rep Power: 3853343	Argh, You were rather harsh in your analyzing of my story about Snow White & The Seven Dwarves. Why is that? Lolol You deemed it laborious, which I interpreted as you wanting to have my baby. I interpreted Laborious as in 9 months later, I was going to be your Topical Baby Father. It puzzles me how you felt the need to be so over analytical when you aren't in any position to be. You clearly don't deserve the spot before me. How on earth did you convince the higher ups that you were a 4th slot? Lolol. I would love to force you, out of your comfort zone one of these days. Voting Argh After breezing through your writing with zero reaction. I can conclude, put simply, you are Simply superficial, Shallow and rather stale stylistically speaking, you are a Ditz and you write daintyly. I am dumbfounded that you have the audacity to belittle a superior writer? Construct your fucking face That is all. Oh yeah, and eat a dick __________________ *VETWORK* Last edited by Frank; 01-14-2016 at 04:06 PM.