Split (0-0) vs. Jah Homie (0-0) SPLIT WINS

[Split]

15-20 lines, due 1 AM, no EXTs


Topic: Quitting Smoking

[Split]

@Jah Homie

[Jah Homie]

Here. Bought to put that ink on the paper.

[Jah Homie]

16 Bars

The sun bleaches my eyes yet exerts no heat
Stomach ready to tap out and accept defeat
Nerves pummeled senseless by lack of nicotine
Veins turn stiffer than ice frozen on the street
Mind begins to withdraw itself inside of a dream
The fire inside me burns loud and obscene
Aware fully of the smokers bellowing free
Temptation staining my chattering teeth
Aroused by the smell of burning nicotine
A pleasure more sultry than the birds and the bees
I censor the smoke from my conscious dwelling
Leave the mind vacant for sensual seeds
The stain on my teeth is a bruise from a beating
I stare halfheartedly up towards the ceiling
I chastise my defeat to warm up my seat
My conscious turns numb from mental healing

[Jah Homie]

http://artofbattling.com/forum/showt...ull=1#post8207
http://artofbattling.com/forum/showt...ull=1#post8657

[Split]

quitting smoking.

chemical dependency, pencil shades of empathy,
like I'm sorry but it never made sense to me.
ma used to, and a couple friends smoke occasionally,
the double-edged dependance that entertains them faithfully.
countless stories, same beginning and end, one night that awakened me.
Five am. Drunk. parties over the neighbors said. Hardly sober.
Sunk into complacency. a single cig, she said just take it please...
Breathing in. Harsh at first, you'll get used to the coughing bursts.
Far concerns.. The end, the darkness that guards my urn.
Ashes lead to ashes, til then I'm gathering dust while the spark flickers.
Inhalation killing me, and God snickers. The tar demon begs to differ.
The blackness that plagues peripherals, growing heavier every winter,
The sepia fading on the picture, only ceasing time will end the fixture.
Sublime, the smokers breath, the joke is that it's the taste of death,
And every summer rolls around I think of my first cigarette.
But really, all our lungs grow black with age. Living begins to fade,
And time hangs around but won't stay for beers of late...
You think that's sick? We all measure living from first taste.
in packs, years left. You can't just quit. Just addicts have no regrets.

[TYSON]

Good battle...

Jah homie- I can tell u have never done this before but u still showed great potential. First off even tho it was 16 bars it seemed rather short. I know long bars seem wack or played at times so not saying go that direct route length them just a lil bit more. Gives more room for expansion on your topic. Feel me. Your imagery is actually pretty Good too just the content could have been better. Storys are a great way to grip the reader. So try that with also doing what u did there. Overall keep dropping and competing in topicals if possible u will become a threat.

Split- great story. Peer pressure is a motherfucker and partys is that motherfuckers home. Seen many start smoking from partys. Talking bout I only smoke when I'm drinking, yea for now. Great content and imagery.

Couldn't qoute from my phone but both had qoutables. Split got this tho with a great story that was real. Jah homie did his thing just have to get a grip of the concept of topicals, split is more seasoned.

VOTE... SPLIT

[Defiant]

links @Split

[Split]

Originally Posted by Defiant

links @Split

http://artofbattling.com/forum/showt...OPEN-FOR-VOTES
http://artofbattling.com/forum/showt...OPEN-FOR-VOTES

Got u

If you vote, I'll vote on you vs bleak :D

[bleak]

Jah- I would have enjoyed this piece much more had there been an obvious story behind it. Just as a backdrop for the lyrics that you're putting down. You have good writing capabilities, just not enough to make your verse that much better. A few tweaks, a couple lines to serve as a plot line would have pushed it over the edge, but right now it's hopelessly dangling between decent and good.

Split- You really encompassed the feelings behind starting and stopping smoking. Idk if you do yourself, but you recognize the dangers and the want to quit. I appreciated that your piece went through different phases, from totally non smoker to smoker, from smoker to smoker who doesn't want to smoke.

Good reads, but Split had that extra element that got him the W.

[Fart]

Jah's was simple yet I liked it..had couple good quotes in there. It was more of a poem than a topical which is cool but for a battle the repetition of phrases used kinda hurt your verse imo.
"
Aware fully of the smokers bellowing free
Temptation staining my chattering teeth
Aroused by the smell of burning nicotine
A pleasure more sultry than the birds and the bees "

was nice though. Liked that

Split was more advances in his verse...making all 16 lines count for something, at least to me. From the beginning stages of smoking to the end-ish of it as quitting but not really quitting was dope, and the rhyme schemes changing up throughout. Just on another level with his verse here obviously, to me anyways.

"Five am. Drunk. parties over the neighbors said. Hardly sober.
Sunk into complacency. a single cig, she said just take it please...
Breathing in. Harsh at first, you'll get used to the coughing bursts.
Far concerns.. The end, the darkness that guards my urn."

That hit for me. Esp. being a smoker


V/Split. Jah's was cool too don't get me wrong, but as I said Split was just a few steps ahead with his verse. Both were good reads keep up the writing fellers.

[Allen Knight]

"Five am. Drunk. parties over the neighbors said. Hardly sober.
Sunk into complacency. a single cig, she said just take it please...
Breathing in. Harsh at first, you'll get used to the coughing bursts.
Far concerns.. The end, the darkness that guards my urn."
^^^ that was dope

i think split was nice on the topic. i enjoyed reading his verse alot more tbh