topic was by request...an i was high

YDK · 10-29-2014, 11:12 PM

Monotony; probably the reason I feel impossibly young
Look at what its gotten me,
Not a lot but nothing else is stopping the fun.
Knock off the coughing!
Hit that blunt an swig that bottle of rum!
Swallow it, chug it, repeat.
Roll down the window and turn off the heat.
This ain't a sauna you bastard!
You ain't stealing my chromosomal plasma
Eat a dick an die, just skip the dick and die! Faster!
Meteorological capabilities, I cause the stars perish
Shoot across the night skies above the clouds in Paris
Cherish this moment, own it.
And let it become one with your soul till the point of atonement.
Now back to the subject, sorry I spaced out
Get it? Spaced out? I'm so high it ain't funny; no space! Clowns!
Dammit I'm hammered give me back that bottle of liquor
I need to drink till I'm sober before I get any sicker.
Bounty on my head, its the quicker picker upper right?
Well it ain't picked up my fuckin mood in the least tonight!
I thought driving to see the circus would be fun as hell
But wats that smell?
Is that elephant shit or my puke? I'm too too drunk to tell.
The driving instructor never told me about this shit
It woulda been nice to know I shouldn't drive an trip!
Put that acid away i think im dying I can't take it I'm done
Just make sure to erase my pictures and dont tag me on Facebook you cunt

Soulstice · 10-29-2014, 11:49 PM

Lol. The ending received a wry smile. The rest not really but it was decent. Meteorological capabilities was way out of place. Your tounge-in-cheek anti-jokes ("Ha! Get it) didn't really land. I guess that was the point kind of because you're fucked up. Ending was good. Flow was solid for what was probably keyed. Brief enough to keep me interested the way through. I liked chromosomal plasma - paranoia stemmed from weed, guessing. That was expertly woven in to infer a crossfade occuring here. Good storytelling. Meanwhile the acid line broke the number one rule - show dont tell. Maybe if you don't want your reader to have to dive so deep it's ok, and you're keeping a sick flow going.. its ok to break that rul sometimes.

Decent stuff overall.

YDK · 11-01-2014, 12:08 AM

Thanks man, I only exposed the acid at the end cuz I wasn't confident it would be picked up on if I didn't lol

10-29-2014, 11:12 PM	#1
YDK ghost in the matrix Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Covington, KY Posts: 4,563 Battle Record: 14-25 Champed - Art of Writing League (x2) - Lime Green Poetry Association Rep Power: 8181113	topic was by request...an i was high Monotony; probably the reason I feel impossibly young Look at what its gotten me, Not a lot but nothing else is stopping the fun. Knock off the coughing! Hit that blunt an swig that bottle of rum! Swallow it, chug it, repeat. Roll down the window and turn off the heat. This ain't a sauna you bastard! You ain't stealing my chromosomal plasma Eat a dick an die, just skip the dick and die! Faster! Meteorological capabilities, I cause the stars perish Shoot across the night skies above the clouds in Paris Cherish this moment, own it. And let it become one with your soul till the point of atonement. Now back to the subject, sorry I spaced out Get it? Spaced out? I'm so high it ain't funny; no space! Clowns! Dammit I'm hammered give me back that bottle of liquor I need to drink till I'm sober before I get any sicker. Bounty on my head, its the quicker picker upper right? Well it ain't picked up my fuckin mood in the least tonight! I thought driving to see the circus would be fun as hell But wats that smell? Is that elephant shit or my puke? I'm too too drunk to tell. The driving instructor never told me about this shit It woulda been nice to know I shouldn't drive an trip! Put that acid away i think im dying I can't take it I'm done Just make sure to erase my pictures and dont tag me on Facebook you cunt __________________

11-01-2014, 12:08 AM	#3
YDK ghost in the matrix Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Covington, KY Posts: 4,563 Battle Record: 14-25 Champed - Art of Writing League (x2) - Lime Green Poetry Association Rep Power: 8181113	Thanks man, I only exposed the acid at the end cuz I wasn't confident it would be picked up on if I didn't lol __________________