Demon Battles

Exis · 11-04-2014, 12:39 PM

Yo,

I have like a hundred pills for an enormous pain
that I'm shovin' down one's throat until their thorax breaks
on a scrawny frame, I've an abnormal brain
wearin' a Norman face
pretendin' I be normal, sane
like we is all the same when I'm in a formal place
yet once away in private
it's unveil the violence
you need to get onto your knees beneath a Lord and pray
that he not only keeps you warm and safe
but can make me righteous
or atleast restore some faith
before the day's behind us
so cats don't have to face when time is
at that mournin' stage
I'm Strange like Sean, insane as Bjork is
so off the rails of course would be my train of thought bitch
thought I'd trained the voices in this tormented head
to behave, be voiceless
and let me talk instead.

Kin · 11-06-2014, 09:29 AM

wearin' a Norman face
pretendin' I be normal, sane
thats cool

also liked this....

thought I'd trained the voices in this tormented head
to behave, be voiceless
and let me talk instead.

that was the dopest part to me...wish this had a lil' more depth or storyline to it so I could catch where you were goin' a lil' better

But no doubt nice lil' drop

Stay up

HoLLaz

Mr. J · 11-06-2014, 07:06 PM

The flow of the whole piece was on point for how you wrote it
seemed like someone could just rattle this off on an instrumental
then it would end, I feel you should add more to a piece like this
it adds a little more depth to what your tryna say...at least in my opinion
otherwise I enjoyed what you put together, keep writing

Vulgar · 11-06-2014, 09:55 PM

yet once away in private
it's unveil the violence
you need to get onto your knees beneath a Lord and pray
that he not only keeps you warm and safe
^You are a stronger rhymer than people give you credit for here.

It wasn't a doozy, also wasn't a show stopper. I'm a big advocate of personal renaissances and pushing yourself to write something memorable if the right moments comes and we're spurred to write it all down. I think you somehow lost confidence in writing longer pieces along the way, maybe due to the death of RF? In any case, I'd like to see you play the violin of violence again for a considerable amount of time.

Keep it up Exis.

11-04-2014, 12:39 PM	#1
Exis ............ Join Date: Jul 2013 Posts: 3,934 Battle Record: 3-3 Rep Power: 0	Demon Battles Yo, I have like a hundred pills for an enormous pain that I'm shovin' down one's throat until their thorax breaks on a scrawny frame, I've an abnormal brain wearin' a Norman face pretendin' I be normal, sane like we is all the same when I'm in a formal place yet once away in private it's unveil the violence you need to get onto your knees beneath a Lord and pray that he not only keeps you warm and safe but can make me righteous or atleast restore some faith before the day's behind us so cats don't have to face when time is at that mournin' stage I'm Strange like Sean, insane as Bjork is so off the rails of course would be my train of thought bitch thought I'd trained the voices in this tormented head to behave, be voiceless and let me talk instead.

11-06-2014, 07:06 PM	#3
Mr. J The Clown Prince Join Date: Apr 2013 Posts: 5,046 Battle Record: 35-45 Champed - Art of Writing League Rep Power: 59349682	The flow of the whole piece was on point for how you wrote it seemed like someone could just rattle this off on an instrumental then it would end, I feel you should add more to a piece like this it adds a little more depth to what your tryna say...at least in my opinion otherwise I enjoyed what you put together, keep writing __________________ .....laugh....and the world laughs with you

11-06-2014, 09:29 AM	#2
Kin Kill.It.Nonstop Join Date: Jun 2014 Posts: 666 Battle Record: 3-3 Rep Power: 662201	wearin' a Norman face pretendin' I be normal, sane thats cool also liked this.... thought I'd trained the voices in this tormented head to behave, be voiceless and let me talk instead. that was the dopest part to me...wish this had a lil' more depth or storyline to it so I could catch where you were goin' a lil' better But no doubt nice lil' drop Stay up HoLLaz

11-06-2014, 09:55 PM	#4
Vulgar Razor-thin derision Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,422 Battle Record: 40-25 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night LIV - Gimmick Battle League (2x) - Write Week II - Art of Writing League - Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament - STI - Haiku Writer Challenge - GWL Picture Challenge(2x) Rep Power: 49604320	yet once away in private it's unveil the violence you need to get onto your knees beneath a Lord and pray that he not only keeps you warm and safe ^You are a stronger rhymer than people give you credit for here. It wasn't a doozy, also wasn't a show stopper. I'm a big advocate of personal renaissances and pushing yourself to write something memorable if the right moments comes and we're spurred to write it all down. I think you somehow lost confidence in writing longer pieces along the way, maybe due to the death of RF? In any case, I'd like to see you play the violin of violence again for a considerable amount of time. Keep it up Exis.