Week 2: Asylum (0-0) vs. Rakontur (0-0)- Rak wins 5-0

[Split Eight]

AOWL Season V, Week 2


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
Monday at 11:59 p.m. Western / or Tuesday 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Thursday at 11:59 p.m. Western / or Friday 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

All competitors must vote on THREE battles and post links/ references in the voting thread.

Read the full rules here!

TOPIC:
TBA

Good luck @asylum @Rakontur

[Split Eight]

Topic:

"People who are not in love fail to understand how an intelligent man can suffer because of a very ordinary woman."

[asylum]

check

no, i am not.

[asylum]

is this an option because im just writing a no show verse right now i wasnt feeling the topic

[Woke]

Plane Jane lacked foundation
But her natural beauty had perfect gestation
Raised among wolves, a flower of hope, though...
Given her parental genes, biologically broke
A bronzed body that warrants the gold
Deep down she knows, so she feeds off control
Reaps what I sow
Sleeps then wakes in a perfected mold
Unhindered by the cracks in her soul
Her ways can't dismay her knack not to fold
She's mostly good, until changes occur
Extreme happiness is strangled and slurred
Her pain won't always remain inert
And the strain to suppress corrects...
And it flames through the Earth
Over the years I learned to cope with her temper
A writer of worth, sun soaked in the winter
Bubbly nights to cloak the pain she delivers
It's odd though, I can write of my life and not quiver
Just knowing Plane Jane to never have read
Not the brightest bulb illuminating the shed
Hits the gym once a week to be svelte
She soars high, cloud nine,
Acid rain primed and then...
~melts~

At night Plane Jane ignites like a rocket
howling through the night skies lacking logic
She knows “all-truth”, a self proclaimed prophet
Only problem with turbulence is when the mane frames lost it
Cautious times quickly devolve and regress
A cluster-fucking fist doling out regrets
Shifting winds morph into heaves
And words are thrown about without heat
Each jab's a cold front swung with decree
Her screaming engine is bursting it's seams
She's coming undone, every lose screw
Cracks the block and shoots through
Her rotors strut into abyss
The throbbing pain of choking the grip
Nearly losing control of the skiff
I bank right praying we'd land and live
Yet deep down knowing we'll cease to exist
The fighting of fists began the end of this
relation-ship

[asylum]

sunshine lights up the dust swirling around two lovers who fell into lust
their fingers traced the scene unfolding across their skins
soon holding pieces of themselves away while asking all the other’d give
“you’re the one for me darling,” banter only lasted for weeks
Before the giant ring with rubies matched the hue of her cheeks
She’d flash it as she reached to pay her bartenders
Searching wide and far for friends while her husband made the rounds
And acted the part for his friends when the family came to town
But solid grounds hard to find in a world of slippery slopes
With feet firmly planted, his secretary moans in withering notes
And that’s the way a modern marriage typically goes

[2tripple0]

Wow great showing from two new writers on ncs y'all did well here and once again it's going to be difficult to decide. when I first started reading I though well rakontor isn't going to win this but didn't realise asylum would only write a few bars. So I scratched that idea and was just unsure really cuz they both seemed to really try. And I liked the idea of asylums to have two star lovers and I enjoyed the way he tied it all together in the end..It was a dope closer the way he tied it all in together. ..as for rankotor I was unsure about how plain Jane and what she had to do with the topic..maybe I'm misunderstanding something but you did a good job with character development. .and I enjoyed the structure how your two verses engaged me as a reader...I wonder what as the author u were meaning to portray and interested...at first when I started reading it felt like you had trouble with your opener but I relate to that cuz when writing a piece I'm always like arghh where do I begin? But you did a nice job keeping me interested and I don't think either of you were particularly vague or meaningless but the verse that stood out with more entertainment to me was rakontor so for me he gets my vote...


Vote/rakantor

[Razah]

Not a fan of the topic at hand but, you guys did a decent job at it.

Rakontur, very solid verse. I have no big issues with it except the few times the rhyme scheme would switch. I like how you applied a bunch of boat related shit to the second verse, the whole rotors, wind, etc.. That was cool.

Asylum, I was kind of thrown off by the rhyme scheme at first. At first, it read like some poetry, I just think it's weird cuz obviously you're familiar with multi-syllable rhyming, but chose not to use it at first. I liked the verse, it was short & sweet, my favorite kind of verses. But, I felt like this wasn't enough to match Rakontur this time around. Real solid verse, look forward to seeing more from you.

vRakontur

[Inno]

Rak

Man your diction was onpoint throughout the whole piece.
Beautiful language man. Gotta say i like the progress of the story
And how you developed it. The pace of the tale was def a highlight man
You embodied the topic with your piece. Expressing the focal point
Very clearly. Dope stuff man foreal.

Asylum

Man i feel like you should of wrote more. This was dope bro. I liked
Your take on the topic aswell. But i feel like you suffered from haste?
Or last minute syndrome lol. Either way toward the end this felt
Rushed and incomplete for me. You should of wrote more

Vote rak

[UnbornBuddha]

Rakontur: Here you chose the route of utilizing fanciful language to portray an enigma. A mystery women who was a plane? To me, the first stanza and the second seem to be portraying different characters objects, the second stanza was the better of the two in my opinion, it was really well done with all the plane allusions. The first stanza felt needlessly complicated for the sake of using elevating language. I mean I understood every word, but the way these words were combined made it seem somewhat disorientated. even though your diction was on point.

Asylum: To put it bluntly. I enjoyed your take on the topic more than Rak's. A tale of American marriage of promises of fidelity that turn to empty nothings as passions lead the heart astray. In a way, I liked this more than the other contender's, however, it needed more meat. If you had perhaps written 10 more lines while keeping the same amount of fire in your words, then I think there would have been more satisfaction. Because as lovely as this is, it feels incomplete, not rushed but incomplete.

Vote: Rakontur

[Mr. J]

I had a vote typed up but lost it due to me getting signed out
either way both writers had a dope take on the subject at hand
I felt Rak took it due to the consistency in his versr which was dope
as for asylum if he took it as far as Rak took it he would have edged it out
both were very skilled in bringing this all together but one was outdone by the other
in this case it was Rak

v/Rak