Innovator vs grafx OPEN FOR COATS

[Inno]

LGPA Season 2: Week IV

@grafx

Check ins: WednesdayMidnight Eastern time)
Poems Due: Friday (Midnight Eastern time)
Votes due: Sunday (Midnight Eastern time)


Topic: Transformation

goodluck!

[Inno]

yo

[grafx]

Check

[Inno]

@grafx sup son can u post today?

[Inno]

Boulders to pebbles smearing dirt in the sky
In the coldest of weathers freezing dry
I stood among the waves swimming along the sands
Pin needle heart lost in the grains.
Skin deep soul soaking up the stains.
I said stay among the shadows, that's when your the brightest
Between the cracks you are a giant.
Among the whispers you can't keep quite, I said.
She said, your just bias.
I stood silent in a statue'd deviance.

Bitter sweet canopies, melancholy forests'
Rotting healthy roots sprouting poison fruit.
She's a devil in a business suit
Sinking teeth through lies until they bleed truth
From queen to peasant
A pawn posing with royal pennant.

[grafx]

give innovator win... I completely didn't realize I was late...---

She sat in the waiting room.
Doctors cornered her weeping mother.
Tears began to hit the floor
causing a massive earthquake in the room.
I shook of fear, to only hear,
The cancer is gone.

10 years later,
same girl now 17,
feeling ill, health draining, somethings wrong.
Doctors surround the girl.
Fear is gone but again tears hit the floor
sounding like a thunderstorm on a quiet day.
She's pregnant the doctor says.

10 years later,
the same girl, now a woman.
Teared up as she found out cancer struck her once again.
Her daughter looked up at her, and said, "Mom, please get well."
As her daughter left the hospital she never knew her last words
to her mother would be, "I LOVE YOU!"
As she was driving away, her daddy yelled!

A woman had a seizure driving and struck the little girl.
She was killed instantly, at that same time the mother passed.
The same woman who heard her daughter's cancer was beat,
was the same woman grieving at both funerals.

Transformation only exists momentarily, take advantage of those alive.

[Objective]

Innovator - Short and sweet, I wasn't left with the great impression I usually get from your pieces. This wasn't bad at all, it was decent but I know you can do sooooo much better. I'm saying this to motivate you since it seemed kind of bland in comparison to earlier work I've read from you where I've been left in awe at the technical aspects as well as message.

However, it was still short and sweet as I said and I enjoyed the imagery and what you did with the topic at hand. The intro-sentence to the piece caught my attention and thought it was a great opener. Going with a generic AB-rhymescheme and a break from it with ''I stood among the waves swimming along the sands'', I think you could have done a pretty cool addition to the rhymescheme here if you had continued with a ABC ABD ABE ABF and rhymed couplets with a break in between to keep a consistent structure and adding some more difficulty to the poem at hand and scoring points at the technical aspects as well. In regards of this I felt the last stanza was a bit sporadic as well.

The imagery was great though and overall it was decent the way you handled the topic with lots of potential if you for example had added certain minor improvements that would have had a great significant impact of the overall atmosphere and feel to the poem as a complete standalone piece.

grafx - Pretty dope story you got going here and truly follows the topic well and gives it depth, there were quite a few things I stumbled upon either way though. The first stanza is a little bit confusing to me in the sense that you both used first and third perspective storytelling, who is ''I''? Is it the author/you, her brother, a doctor? Could be nice with some clarification with these sentences, ask yourself this when you're writing a poem like this: ''Who is ''I'' and the other characters? ''Should I go for first perspective throughout, or third perspective as well? When is it right to use both, and does it add to the overall feel to switch it up or not? How old are they? (I'm mainly thinking about ''As she was driving away, her daddy yelled!'' Who's driving away, the daughter? 10 years from 17 she's 10 years old and not old enough to drive yet, or was it her grandmother? I don't know.) You also don't clarify throughout the piece who the ''me''-person is, that's your biggest obstacle and confusion imo.

Beside of that the poem alone is decent and it is pretty straight forward, the last line creates a closure but I don't completely understand of what you mean by ''taking advantage of those alive'', how? Through learning from them, or to get as much before they die or learn from the transformations that happen to them and live on?
Being straight forward can be a double edged sword however, as being straight to the point gives a clearer message and what's happening to the characters but simultaneously also don't create a lot of emotion until the last stanza. I basically didn't really get to care for them as everything seemed like a generic story with potential for improvement on these aspects.

Vote - Innovator. Kind of close imo as I enjoyed the structuring to grafx's better as it was consistent throughout but overall I felt Innovator had a more complete piece with depth and imagery as grafx's piece left me with more questions surrounding the events that occur in although I got the message to edge it in his favor.

[Vulgar]

Inno - Some interesting and unique thoughts interwoven here, Inno. I'm a bit surprised at the way the last four lines seemed disconnected from the rest of the poem. Usually you can carry the same amount of focus through to the end. The beginning struck me as the duality of some aspects of nature, winter and summer, sand and ocean, light and shadow, positioning and body language. On the other side, you use this as a contrast to refer to a woman who says one thing yet means something else entirely. A puzzling yet elegant creature, lol. In Miami, as we know, there is no shortage of them. The ending just didn't do anything for me. Seemed rushed, tbc.

grafx - A sad story about a mother who found out her daughter had cancer. The daughter lost the cancer, then becomes pregnant, and then years later, when doctors find cancer again, it proves to be fatal. The daughter's daughter then dies in a car crash, and the original mother - the grandmother - grieves at both funerals as the unfortunate tragedy comes to a startling close. I hope I didn't butcher the story but this is how I perceived it. It was a straightforward (borrowing a word from Objective) narrative without much dressing to it. A plain piece of toast with a sunny side up egg. It was a mature poem. It's difficult to interpret the theme like this, so you must be familiar with a situation like this, or you have endured it yourself. I liked the bare, naked honesty about it. In terms of constructive criticism, I think it would benefit from more literary devices to complement the progression of the piece, like differing camera shots and perspectives of the same environment/characters in a movie. It spices things up and keeps the reader on their toes.

My vote goes to grafx. Cool battle.

[Frank]

Innovator
Feeling this, You could potentially elevate into another tier if you focused and wrote more than 12 lines each time. You can craft and conjure imagery though. You display beautiful thoughts at times. This was rather epic for a blurb like showing. I feel you are beginning to exemplify more maturity in your writing, Inno. It is time for you to ditch the brevity and bring out the scroll. 48 liner, Test your might.

Grafx
Sentimental approach registered on my emotional gauge. Story is actually one I am all too familiar with. Having lost my mother to cancer, I can cope with you. Aside from the triggering emotion, I wasn't truly convinced by the devices. Without much rhyming or candance it read more like a run on conversation, instead of a poem,

Voting Innovator for the deeper thoughts in correlation to the given topic

[Inno]

Inno wins