Pent uP vs. Cimmerian - OPEN FOR VOTES

[Adonis]

Winter Topical II: Quarter Finals


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due FEB. 1st
MONDAY at 11:59 P.M. Pacific/West Coast or TUESDAY Jan. 2nd 3:00 AM Eastern / 6:00 AM TUESDAY JAN. 2nd Central European/London
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Thursday at 4:00 p.m. Western / or Thursday 7:00 PM Eastern / 1:00 AM Friday Central European/London Failure to vote will result in NEGATIVE VOTES if you advance to the next round.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? You can technically start a match down three votes by failing to log a single vote the previous week.

so....

All competitors must vote on THREE battles

Read the full rules here!

Topic: "That old law about 'an eye for an eye' leaves everybody blind. The time is always right to do the right thing"


G/Luck
@Pent uP @Cimmerian

[Pent uP]

Cimm cimm, s'all ya been

[Cimmerian]

You, in view, drenched in a rose colored bloom
At sunset our steps silhouette the avenue
Moons ago we met, two molecules passing through
Complex in design, my approach: rather casual
A relationship set sail, smitten by our ways
Crashing into bedsheets, cresting with the waves
A storybook beginning leapt up from a page
But in time, a fine wine can sour from its age
Sentiment to sediment, we’ve taken for granite—
The soft sweet nothings. Habits set in stone tablets
Chiseled away 'til there was nothing to keep
We meet down at the café, our usual seats
Reminiscing as lamplight litters the street
Coffee sips to the lips—the bitter and sweet
As hands unfold, Life’s a strange game, I know
When to grow, you have to let your petals go.

[Pent uP]

His red nose and huge shoes made him famous with children,
but other roles in his crew remained heinous with villains.
With a burglar, some monsters and staff that emerged as imposters,
Ron had to turn more conscious for remaining consistent.
In doing this, he changed his vision from the gimmicks and toys.
No more hat tricks and dime store magic to suspend girls and boys.
Division employed better options for the bread with some style
as they competed against a red head and a big headed smile.
To stay in the lead, replacing the team with Hispanic moms made him more green.
To chase with sweet tea, he made chicken feet into tastier treats.
Ron killed his competitors, even chopped the head off the king.
Then put a pickle in his neck with some lettuce and cheese.
This led to more beef as he became the clown that was worshipped
and spread through the streets around the world so every town was his circus.
Surrounding the surface, allowing his purpose to rule over carnival circuits.
His grimace was hidden because the addictions he's giving comes with a fountain of syrup.
The fame and fortune became enormous and made his performance at home
into an absent husband and father in the course for the throne.
This tortured his soul even more and he was forced to explode
as he walked into his castle following the source of some moans.
Kicking the door open, his wife is in bed getting piled.
Bending her back is his enemy Jack, the big head with a smile.
So because Ronald McDonald became an explorer and reigned as enforcer,
he created this horror by having his time saved up for war,
which made more space to absorb what his lady adores
so Jack put it in her box and it's not made 'til she orders.

[Pinot Grij]

Cimmerian - your trademark complex simplicity at work again. Last week, I don't think it was that effective, but this is a strong piece of work.

You, in view, drenched in a rose colored bloom
At sunset our steps silhouette the avenue
^^^imagery is ridiculous - unmatched in this league

Moons ago we met, two molecules passing through
Complex in design, my approach: rather casual
^^^this I think misses a bit - the off-rhyme between "passing through" and "casual" is not as much of a problem as the awkward drawing together of "complex" and "casual" - I don't think it had the intended effect.

A relationship set sail, smitten by our ways
Crashing into bedsheets, cresting with the waves
^^^ the imagery, once again, off the chains. you describe such vivid, evocative scenes in such a minimalist manner. It's a talent that is unmatched.

A storybook beginning leapt up from a page
But in time, a fine wine can sour from its age
Sentiment to sediment, we’ve taken for granite—
The soft sweet nothings. Habits set in stone tablets
^^^the "page/age" rhyme seems awkward with the lead-ins "leapt up from a page" - begins to read like a multi-syllabic rhyme.. and then getting to "sour from its age" kind of jerked me out of the anticipated scheme. Nevertheless. Sentiment to sediment is dope af. taken for granite. dope af. Habits set in stone tablets. Dope af. You adequately describe the eventual descent of a stale relationship in a mere 4 brief lines.

Chiseled away 'til there was nothing to keep
We meet down at the café, our usual seats
Reminiscing as lamplight litters the street
Coffee sips to the lips—the bitter and sweet
^^^ These as well are sensational. The "usual seats" puts the reader within the storyline.. it makes it feel familiar. and the bitter and sweet both describing the taste of the coffee and the reminiscence of a love gone wrong.

I thought the closer was a little bland given what a solid ride this verse provided. It was a bit of a letdown.

pent up

His red nose and huge shoes made him famous with children,
but other roles in his crew remained heinous with villains.
With a burglar, some monsters and staff that emerged as imposters,
Ron had to turn more conscious for remaining consistent.

Ok, trying to follow along - it seems like you're describing a clown that has links to the underground. The non-rhyme in the last couplet here is difficult. Not the strongest of starts, imo.

In doing this, he changed his vision from the gimmicks and toys.
No more hat tricks and dime store magic to suspend girls and boys.
^^^Ok, back on track. Hat tricks and magic is a good inside-rhyme. gimmicks and toys and girls and boys is a non-multi that I don't mind because every word of it is important to your scene-setting.

Division employed better options for the bread with some style
as they competed against a red head and a big headed smile.
To stay in the lead, replacing the team with Hispanic moms made him more green.
To chase with sweet tea, he made chicken feet into tastier treats.
Ron killed his competitors, even chopped the head off the king.
^^^Ok, there's a lack of focus here. I'm expecting to get more detail on your character, as I feel there's still a bit of mystery around exactly who he is and what he does... but you're delving deeper into the narrative while I'm still trying to get my head around it.

Then put a pickle in his neck with some lettuce and cheese.
This led to more beef as he became the clown that was worshipped
^^^Oh fuck, you're talking about Ronald McDonald! And his cast of crazy characters!! Man, if you had called him "Ronald" and not "Ron" in Line 4, I would've caught on a lot earlier.

and spread through the streets around the world so every town was his circus.
Surrounding the surface, allowing his purpose to rule over carnival circuits.
^^^Dope multis.

His grimace was hidden because the addictions he's giving comes with a fountain of syrup.
The fame and fortune became enormous and made his performance at home
into an absent husband and father in the course for the throne.
^^^Running on a bit here - and I'm struggling to find the scheme.

This tortured his soul even more and he was forced to explode
as he walked into his castle following the source of some moans.
"source of some moans" is a bit awkwardly worded.

Kicking the door open, his wife is in bed getting piled.
Bending her back is his enemy Jack, the big head with a smile.
So because Ronald McDonald became an explorer and reigned as enforcer,
he created this horror by having his time saved up for war,
which made more space to absorb what his lady adores
so Jack put it in her box and it's not made 'til she orders.

Maaaaaaan, this is a hilarious concept!!! Ronald McDonald's wife leaves him for Jack in the Box because he's too busy trying to build his empire! Fuuuuck, honestly dude - I wish this was far more straightforward in the beginning - that way you could've worked in a lot more laughs along the way. As you can tell from my breakdown, I basically gave input as I read - and from what I read, it took me a while to catch on. IF that was clear from the beginning - I think it would've been a great deal more enjoyable. In addition to this unraveling mystery in your piece - I think there were some mechanics issues as well, as I've outlined. If this was a more crisp, coherent story - I could see it prevailing easily.

Overall, I vote for Cimmerian. His crisp, brisk wording and engaging story came across stronger than Pent's unfocused look at Ronald McDonald's life as a crime boss.

[Mr. J]

Cimmerian, upon reading your verse I feel that the read was quite easy on the eyes compared to previous competitors
you allow the flow of your piece to carry the reader to a different place the story has all the necessary requirements
a plot full of references to this place in which everything is happening, the poetic vibe makes is appreciated because I dislike when there is a bunch of unnecessary word use.
it makes it less entertaining for me to work through a jumbled piece.
I feel that the stand out lines for me was the whole piece but the stone tablets/habits section felt crisp.
very nice work here.

Pent, I really enjoyed this piece about halfway through, it reminded me of Twilight Zone by Lupe
that beginning though I couldnt get past it for a moment because of the children/villain rhyme
I wanted to make it work so I ended up adding a accent to it and started saying vil yen
regardless once I continued on I started to catch on where you were going with this & enjoyed the circus/circuits rhyme
I feel as though this was more scattered compared to your previous works, but the overall story was worth the read.
I would have liked to see this story unfold more but this was quite the appetizing dish.

v/I have read both pieces 3 times to make sure that I am making the right decision.
I feel both competitors brought interesting styles to the table one writing more than the other
& yet I feel let down due to the fact I hoped for a much more fulfilling read Im not saying the pieces weren't great I just feel like you 2 could have went much further with your pieces
its hard enough pitting a shorter verse against a much longer verse due to the crisp execution
I decided that I am voting in Cimmerians favor due to his execution being smooth as well as the overall flow
while reading Pents verse I stumbled on a few rhymes and felt confused for the first half of the verse
but after picking it up I really enjoyed the verse as a whole but felt it lacked that old Pent appeal.
the inners of the second half were amazing but that opening just made me feel dirty...



v/Cimmerian

[e11even]

Cimmerian- Damn. We dated, in love, it got stale, we broke up. This verse was a lot like life, but better written than our everyday crapshoot. You are great in small bits. I don't know your writing, but it seems like you thrive there. Your lines and usage were not only concise, but precise. You didn't try too hard and the pace and air of the verse was casual and seamless. Other than granite/tablets, your rhyming was fundamentally uniform and generally didn't disturb the flow. I liked this verse and I will read you in more places. Good job.

Pent Up- LOL. I saw the tell halfway through. That said, everything after that could have been better. I think this premise could have been great if it was reworked and was paced better. I think the end was rushed and the last few bars were repetitive, but the "not made til she orders" part was funny for me. That was literally the only part. Maybe if you made up for it in the OM with some PART 2 treatment I would read, but maybe you shouldn't. Yea, maybe you shouldn't. I think the terrifying clown concept was pretty bad IMO, but you could have turned some of that into gold. I saw a little potential, so good job for what its worth.

MVGT Cimmerian for an overall better read.

[Diode]

"That old law about 'an eye for an eye' leaves everybody blind. The time is always right to do the right thing"

cimm:

you and i pretty much told the same story this week.. you just wrapped it up in a beautiful, efficient, concise bow. something about your word choice, rhyme schemes, wordplay, etc. all work for me. my only issue is with the topic at hand.. only the "do the right thing" portion really ties in here. if there'd been something about mutual sniping or degredation of the relationship as a result of vendetta, it would have rang a little less hollow.

pent:

abab scheme! you're a maniac. "dime store magic to suspend girls and boys" doesn't seem right, i assume you meant to suspend their disbelief but couldn't fit the rhyme scheme so you just did it anyway? red head/big headed was cheap, you can do better than that. love the allegory of mcd's and other chains, though you are encroaching on pinot grij's territory here with the satire. unfortunately, you seem to have gotten bored with the direction halfway through and copped out with a ridiculous ending that needed much more expansion/story to have a satisfying conclusion.

v/ cimm

[Adonis]

Cimmy defeats penty