Week 8: Breathless vs Mr. J (BREATHLESS WINS 4-3)

[asylum]

Season 6

Verses are due SUNDAY 4/24 11:59 PST

Voting ends TUESDAY 4/26 11:59 PST

Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic:


Good luck to both participants.
@breathless (2-2) and @Mr. J (4-3)

[Mr. J]

On the forgotten path of another rotten past.
the feeling of loss intact. we waft in the gas.
the intoxication causes us to seize thought...
our reaction caused catastrophes in each shot.
another dream lost in the twisted web we weave
reflect upon a darkened background as we set each scene.
confessions are sweet but what lies in the aftermath
one explosion follows another as the rafters crack.
the foundation scatters halves. as the lovers twirl.
her fingers hit each note carrying us to another world.
under pearl cries & between darkness, she waits...
the tension is great in each break, in between each arch
she slid her fingers across her only true sweetheart
the graves reign supreme & the pain will never seize.
with age brings beauty, death was saved a better seat.
the orange fell on redder leaves as her light dimmed.
a beaten up wheelchair rolls up to disrupt the silence.
her fingers lead your subconscious through a life story
with the proper elements her music can find glory...
find pain...find love & define it for me in mere tune
with each wave of her finger, the siren mirrored you.
captured your vanity & your failure to grasp such craft.
in the climax the old man had collapsed, they clapped.
they applauded what they felt, what they missed in life.
a feeling... she controlled them as time slowly drifted by...
our hero has moved on from this world, life is honor...
darkness follows as does the end of her Moonlight Sonata..
she bows....& leaves to an uproar, the chairs fell & glass broke
she returned for an encore with sunglasses on.....& whispered...




talk about leaving on a bad note...

[breathless]

The Spirit Molecule



Dreading to take the plunge, but it's time, now as a whole.
Mind, body and soul, maybe I'm outta control.
Threads break all at once, primed and ready for however it goes.

Dreamscapes reshape the horizon, combined lifelines unfold.
Might this be the way to see my frame of mind vibrantly glow?
The unknowns become closer, once I make the leap of faith, I'll see the full...

… dimensional spectrum unravel as I stand over the precipice in silence.
… methodical realignment of synaptic signals opens a path through an undiscovered eye's lens.
… testing the waters I lift a foot to find my feet are engulfed in a time rift ...

Diving through this abyss holding hands with a faceless elf speaking in speech bubbles.
Mathematical shapes correspond to syllables automatically translated as my ego crumbles.
Too many messages sent streaming together, I scream for my brethren but my teeth stumble.

Deep rumblings strike a chord inside, intertwined emotions wrap around past passions.
Music class that I hated because I loved it but wasn't able to show enough talent.
The teacher I dreamed of dancing with before I even knew what lust was to have it.

Delving further I notice the elven sherpa who attempted to greet me as I first entered this realm.
Melting circles spin over every imaginable angle a polygon can bend into... well...
That's talking in terms of typical perception, this was something different, something unmentionable, something felt.

Directing me to the peak, it gestures silently, I can see my next path, the track after this travel's over.
Making my way passed the threshold's edge I look back on a view of black, spattered with fractal borders.
Things become clear again, reality, here it is, with only the notions, haphazardly back to normal.

D
M
T

[MMLP]

J – you never seem to disappoint anymore.
The writing was smooth throughout. The story was madness but that’s fine cuz its followed the pattern of this ‘wonderful’ yet weird (kinda dream sequence) picture. The pic was painted with words lol, maybe a little too direct but a good tale here that rhymes fluently. I am a ‘pun guy’ so the last line was brilliant haha!

Breathless -
Again the story was madness but its fine, it was hard to grasp exactly what was going on. this section ‘struck a chord’ with me..

“Deep rumblings strike a chord inside, intertwined emotions wrap around past passions.
Music class that I hated because I loved it but wasn't able to show enough talent.
The teacher I dreamed of dancing with before I even knew what lust was to have it.”

I resonated with it a little and it seems like an adult reflecting on childhood emotions, it was dope in fairness. Most profound bars of the battle by far. The spirit molecule suggests you’ve brought to life the perspective of a molecule? Which would be a hilariously good take on the topic.

but again it wasn’t as clear has J’s verse so I give him the edge here!

[Frank]

Breathless...
Far out read. Very lucid. You went epic on a much smaller scale. I like how DMT drips down the screen. In a vacuum, you succeeded. You stretched your lines to the threshold, but the focus was on the accuracy of conveying yor thought exactly how you imagined it. Very Interesting, indeed.

Mr. J...
Nice, though it took you about 10 lines to get into your groove. In those 10 lines you failed to include a single musical metaphor. AKA (Filler) Once you find your verses pulse it is exquisite. I just can't advocate for the meaningless first 1/3 in the grand scheme of things, in a judgemental sense. The first 10 lines are not bad, they just serve no purpose. You missed your first 10 notes. Again, being constructive.

I reread each verse, and I am leaning towards the trippier rendition. Could go either way, really.

MVGT Breathless

[asylum]

Wow this battle blew me away, two excellent verses.

Mr. J, i truly enjoyed your angle on the topic once you got into the characters. I think you wandered around for a little while in the beginning. Ive been starting to do my warm up in story mode and come back and edit later, you started straight topical then transitioned.. It was cool.. Not the most reliable approach, but you stuck to the tone of the picture well and i enjoyed it regardless.

Breathless you did a great job here. I am thoroughly impressed with your work. I noticed the audio pop up, but ill get to enjoy that tomorrow when im on a computer now that ive voted. Your piece in it's entirety was a great interpretation of the picture. I was enveloped by this piece, incredibly immersive. Youre definitely warming up and I am thrilled I was able to persuade you to sign in. Nice work.

Breathless took this for me this week. It was too clean. Both competitord dropped amazing work. Thanks to both.

[timeless]

Mr. Jingles, confusing read. The ending didn't do much to conclude anything, however it was clever. Alls I could grasp was a failed wedding, there were a couple times were the narrative threw me off. Not bad though, your detail is dope as always.

Breath, I did DMT once, not anything like I expected it to be. There seemed to be a few bars in here, mostly narrowing towards the end that could've been throwaways but I get why they're there at the same time. Dope rhyming in the beginning.

V. Breathless for the more enjoyable read. J's piece was like that story u had to read in school but never did just skipped through to pass the test. Breath was the story you wanted to read after class and tell your boys about it.

[Artifice]

Truly enjoyed both.

Mr. J

You took a very interesting twist on this picture. I dug it. At first I wasn't sure where you were going, but once I got into it, it all came together. Really cool conceptually, and like MMLP, I too dug the pun in the finish.


Breathless

Damn. This was really well done. I'm into psychedelics in general (though haven't done DMT yet) so I get where you were going with this. I've also read The Spirit Molecule and own the documentary.


Breathless edges the win here for me based on content. I thoroughly enjoyed Mr. J's take on the pic, I just enjoyed Breathless' a little bit more.

v/ Breathless

[Razah]

breathless, I liked your take on the topic. I felt some bars were a little too wordy for me, and made me dislike your verse a bit.

… dimensional spectrum unravel as I stand over the precipice in silence.
… methodical realignment of synaptic signals opens a path through an undiscovered eye's lens.
… testing the waters I lift a foot to find my feet are engulfed in a time rift ...

Diving through this abyss holding hands with a faceless elf speaking in speech bubbles.
Mathematical shapes correspond to syllables automatically translated as my ego crumbles.
Too many messages sent streaming together, I scream for my brethren but my teeth stumble.

I just can't fuck with shit like that. Too many syllables, wordy, blah blah blah. Can't do it, not my steelo. Besides that, it was still a good read. If it wasn't for that, you probably would've got my vote.


Mr J., this whole part Im'a quote, felt iffy. The rhyming was kind of off to me, and it didn't really relate to how you attacked the topic afterwards.

On the forgotten path of another rotten past.
the feeling of loss intact. we waft in the gas.
the intoxication causes us to seize thought...
our reaction caused catastrophes in each shot.
another dream lost in the twisted web we weave
reflect upon a darkened background as we set each scene.
confessions are sweet but what lies in the aftermath
one explosion follows another as the rafters crack.

Yeahh.. from having weird rhyme words, to changing the syllable count on the multi.. threw me off.

This on the other hand, was real slick. I liked this whole part.

the foundation scatters halves. as the lovers twirl.
her fingers hit each note carrying us to another world.
under pearl cries & between darkness, she waits...
the tension is great in each break, in between each arch
she slid her fingers across her only true sweetheart
the graves reign supreme & the pain will never seize.
with age brings beauty, death was saved a better seat.
the orange fell on redder leaves as her light dimmed.
a beaten up wheelchair rolls up to disrupt the silence.
her fingers lead your subconscious through a life story
with the proper elements her music can find glory...
find pain...find love & define it for me in mere tune
with each wave of her finger, the siren mirrored you.
captured your vanity & your failure to grasp such craft.
in the climax the old man had collapsed, they clapped.
they applauded what they felt, what they missed in life.
a feeling... she controlled them as time slowly drifted by...
our hero has moved on from this world, life is honor...
darkness follows as does the end of her Moonlight Sonata..
she bows....& leaves to an uproar, the chairs fell & glass broke
she returned for an encore with sunglasses on.....& whispered...




talk about leaving on a bad note...

Dope shit man. This was an easy battle for me to vote on.

vMr. J

[Adonis]

Breathe up 4-2

Leaving open for @Innovator and @Adverse just in case they log in before next week matches open

[Adverse]

In my opinion, Mr. J took this one.

Nothing wrong with Breathless's verse, I just didn't find a clear cut topic and that's what mattered most to me, though Breath did a good job with imagery and description, I found myself more involved with Mr. J's piece and was able to visualize more to it and relate, this was a great battle though and you both are very great at doing your thing. Good bout fellas.

Vote - Mr. J