05-06-2016, 12:28 AM | #1 |
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Week 10: Timeless vs Frank [TIMELESS WINS 5-0 SHUTOUT]
Season 6 Verses are due MONDAY 5/9 11:59 PST Voting ends WEDNESDAY 5/11 11:59 PST Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread. Topic: "When Doves Cry" Good luck to both participants. @timeless (6-2) vs @Frank (6-3) Last edited by asylum; 05-13-2016 at 05:15 AM. |
05-10-2016, 07:42 PM | #2 |
past tense
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.. ... .... .....Sapphire earrings and gold teeth, healthy visions of the afterlife. Manic 40oz. anti-depressants ingested, swishing for the passerbys. Salute to the threats of the luxurious, curbside efficiency. By the time I approach the open door I know you'll be missing me. Efficiently sour, powerful with lust and no one's comparable. Our thoughts run parallel, sustained above peril views. One empty shot glass away from becoming an undone miracle. Translation lost when you notice the pack of doves stare at you. They tilt their heads in disgrace, temptation stressed mistake. Caress patience with nerve endings, mend aging less with age. Spiral downwards towards rocky bottoms and jail sentences. Probably bothered by the fact you're stuck with braille messages. Love was an art form with less detail and more color. Black and white on the surface, earning the poor numbers. Check for check for eternity, mic check for poverty sake. Lottery ace of spades, robbery chased, follow and trace. Face to face with the culprit, said he's a modern day saint. Set fire to the world unknowing the world's hotter than the flame. Bothered by grave intentions, mention death and you'll stall. Scared of eternal darkness even though you're destined to fall. Strength in numbers, digits missing so you're down to zero. Can't rise if you collapse to the ground with fear though. Hero in sound, high definition view accrued around the house. Abused the found when lost, often entombed and down and out. Headstone with no date, no remembrance in cold vein. Once a child in progression, now just remnants of old age. Resorting to Rogain even though you keep plucking the gray hairs. Once a chef, now you run the lunchtruck at the state fairs. Feathers and dust, straggling hairs and used condoms. Depression rifts with bird tears, now we have a new problem. You can't imagine the pain when it's casted as a silhouette. Build a set of lies with practice, actions of a villain vet. Task it. Bucket list priority to suffer the same as I have. Mask it. Fuck the risk and hide under your frames cracked bypass. Reattach lilacs to their roots, move to the drum patterns of the wind. You're only caught in eternity 'til you become a master of the end. Passion to repent, cloudy eyes and dead ends break the habit. Everything's black and white up until your forced to chase the rabbit. Monkey see, monkey move to prove who's left to survive this. On a horse entirely too high to try and extend the nerves of migrants. Tapes rewinding daily to try and revive what used to be good. Too scared to take the leap of faith even though you usually would. |
05-11-2016, 02:49 AM | #3 |
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Noah hands a hammer to his fourth son, instructing him with orders, as he forcibly swung
Impaling the wooden plank with nails that were coarse with rust, a chorus of thuds of authoritative thumps Sealing the crack with an unappealing sap, he fills in the gap of the floorboards with sycamore sludge Once the boat was built, the ocean spilt into the town, devouring the earth, drowning her in a storm of subordinate suds The rain waged war with a distorted rush, pelting the water rough with an assaulting and torrent touch Noah stroked his beard with morals and hunkered down in the living quarters of the portable bunk The waters rise engulfing, swarming, pouring, until the sea level maxed out at a zillion quarts and cups Noah was forewarned, fore he was adorned by the lord, up above, who swore and entrusted Noah with a teleporting love "Noah" The booming voice said into his thoughts as he pondered, winds imploring the door to horridly budge The waves clawed at the boat: absorbing the brunt - 50 foot waves, crashing, frothing tons “Save the animals, waiting for you on the dry inland. Form them up.” Noah’s sons rowed their oars against the stormy gust. “Heave-ho!” The boat approached a peninsula, drifting into the off shoring mud until they were off course and stuck. Hordes and hordes of forest dwellers roared with umpth - as the Arks bridge jutted out across the muck 2 by 2 they all walked up… as the waters swell at their hooves, footprints by the fours are flushed away in the returning waters tug The Elephant tests the extension bridge with every step, with its glorious trunk foraging with its tusks Quacking and squawking of macaws and ducks, waddling into the storage Once inside, the Horses grunt, unstabilized, as the waves collide, they snort and buck As the oceans torque thrusts the tiny boat into the core of the enormous flux, in the waves jaws being tossed and cupped In a daunting jug swirling for an eternity, which felt more like months, time warped The lawn of water, blue, coral and plush, suddenly still, brothy, hushed Noah finishes his chores and supper was served, as he divulges their fortunate luck “The rain has stopped” looking at his compass- he estimated they were north of the sun. Venturing out onto the deck with their sea legs is see-sawing fun to an equilibrium, unsupported Everybody embraces with thawing hugs. The Little Piglet and the Boar rub. The Bear paws her cubs “Noah” God said like morse code, with remorse for Noah, applauding him for all that he’s done “Noah, it is with the utmost importance, you hold onto your faith - in this metamorphic plunge” Just then, an idea flew into Noah's mind with feathers, soaringly fluffed, wings orbiting Soft lulling coos, coo-OO-oo, puffed out chest, bobbing head, catching orbs of bugs Noah peered out into the vast nothingness: unexplored and glum Asking God for mercy, to uncork the flood Noah sent forth a dove, who, would return, olive branch, adoringly plucked,
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Last edited by Frank; 05-11-2016 at 03:30 AM. Reason: REST IN PEACE PRINCE |
05-12-2016, 10:36 AM | #4 |
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I got timeless taking this one...
frank I felt like this was not up to your usual standard. I felt like the flow was choppy in places and the plot just didn't work for me... there was def some cool imagery and there were parts I enjoyed, but as a whole it felt like you maybe rushed it or didn't give it your all... timeless this piece was real dope. I dug it from start to finish, in the middle I wavered for a moment, but got right back into it. Flow was smooth and there were a few parts that I thought were really cool, the black & white chase the rabbit line and a few others... solid writing here. v/ timeless |
05-12-2016, 12:39 PM | #5 |
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Timeless wrote in an enticing manner, albeit there were some places where he veered off track. Nevertheless, he managed to grip the reader, mostly because of his usage of "you", a literary technique used to absorb the reader into the narrative.
Frank: I disliked the direction you took this. Retelling a parable or some might say tall tale is unappealing for several reasons. While some accounts work better than others, Noah's is just too commonplace. Plus, the rhymes didn't match up at times, sometimes you would only rhyme the middle syllable, but the end rhyme is vital for establishing cadence and a hypnotic rhythm. Vote: Timeless |
05-12-2016, 11:42 PM | #6 |
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Timeless came correct, smooth and complex. If this verse was to be compared to a book I'd say it would be A Scanner Darkly by what's his name. Phillip Dick. Masculine yet introspective. Deep and powerful yet yielding. It was cool and I enjoyed it.
Frank came alright some instances of genius like the sycamore sludge line but overall it was sloppy. If this verse was to be compared to a book it would be a desecrated bible with half the pages torn out in some devil worshipper clan's midnight circle jerk in the park next to the severed chicken heads. Just didn't seem focused and precise. MVGT - Timeless
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05-13-2016, 01:16 AM | #7 |
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Sorry for short vote, this is my final of the day and i'm spent.
Time - you wrote an aging verse, I liked most of the wording but you had a couple lines that didn't sound well in my head. Given the stories length I feel like I should know more about this man, but you played your cards fairly vague, which I guess I don't fully understand. I'm sure I'm missing the grand picture, but as I said in the beginning. Franker - So I too tried my hand at re-telling known stories and it rarely works man. I'm not a fan of the genre is what i'm saying. I liked the stories progression and I liked some of the wording, but again, at times it still seems like you add more words just because it fits the same end rhyme. OK finished product, not my favorite. v/TIME he had the better concept
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05-13-2016, 03:45 AM | #8 |
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Timeless – wow dude this is powerful writing. I can’t wait to break this down in the mag. Great work dude.
Frank – i'm not sure what you wrote this to but I think it might have had an impact on how you read your own work. i heard a beat the flow worked with, so I started the piece over and it’s pretty dope. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OtoKAfmBn4s You’re really stretching those syllable counts tho. Ending was great but time's mechanics edged you out. /v timeless for the more well rounded of the two pieces. Honestly I like Frank’s angle more but Timeless’ execution was cleaner. Timeless must have it out for Frank, that piece has no precedent. |
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