Artifice vs. Timeless [Time 2-1]

[Adonis]

Artifice verse




Dylan's changes did blow when the 60s came to a close
wisdom was taken, molded by corporations to enable control
found abducting grace by force & tying down its wonder
hounds & vultures reanimate the corpse of a dying counterculture
power structures puncture thru thoughts lightning quick
cocaine dudes like to sniff wire brains... preludes to the microchip
watch the governments plot interventions to siphon oil
leavin' regions distraught as religious tensions between tribals boil
try to have economic inequality caught in a frozen image
capitalist pigs seek to play chieftan in this new world's global village
so with Alice down the rabbit hole's where the magic goes
& in that instant... gratification sadly dictated the path we chose
people protest to be popular, no need for changes to make
their canned outrage today comes complete with an expiration date
& with the ever-rising complexity as we move into one-ness
our path scatters brief flashes of brilliance which dim to a sea of dumbness







Timeless verse



In a world divided, I'm the misery that hates the company.
Luckily, I invited many martyrs to bait the trust in me.
Catapult casualties casually, cataclysmic catastrophes.
Natural death, unrest exposed the missing atlas we seek.
Mapping to breathe, retracting steps of fascists with dreams.
Passionately provide the ropes to cope, masking the peace.
Hiding forever, clueless 'til daybreak drags us under the sun.
Take cover and run until your nerves get muffled and slumped.
A puzzling must, to have each and every man wear a title.
Except for the hand that feeds you while you're scared to bite it.






These two had different topics so I am not posting either as it really don't matter.

[Razah]

I felt like the alliteration in Timeless' verse was unnecessary. Felt out of place, to be honest. Also, short verse. Doesn't seem like a full thought.

Closer was weird. I was feeling the rhyme scheme in the previous 3 bars before the closer.


Artifice, same thing. Saw you posted that you just threw this together, and mentioned if Frank showed he would body that. I, agree with you. At least you showed though. Anyways, cool verse I guess. This quick verse of yours gave me a glimpse into how you write your stuff, just the way you flip ideas.

Oh, and if I had to vote on somebody, (Shouldn't the thread be changed to 'open for feed'?), it would be artifice.

vArtifice

[UnbornBuddha]

Artifice: They were some cool lines here, the chieftain line for instance. I mean it is obvious you didn't fully sketch out a whole verse. From what I've read from you previously, you usually go longer and you have this particular way of phrasing things that was missing here. Nevertheless, I still it is an okay showing, nothing mind blowing, but it entertained me.

Timeless: I like the alliteration, it was really short though. Its a good thing you showed though, but it was so short that it's hard to take the piece serious. I also don't see how nerves could muffled and slumped, seems like a poor image.

I have to go with Artifice here. Even though it wasn't as close-knit as I'm used to when reading Artifice's work it still overtook Timeless here.

[2tripple0]

Aye this could have been do per you both dropped very short verses. I wasn't really impressed with the way that either of your subjects just kind of felt like both of you could have done more really to help make your matter thicker anyways I guess if I had to choose I think I would give it to timeless just cause I thought his lines were written a bit more legibly like a lot of the time in artiface verse some of the lines felt random where as timeless felt like it was written a bit more understandably so yeah vote........timeless