Click Bait to Get Paid. Will Wait.

[Otto Peighlaught]

As kids we all wanted to make a difference.
Desires of firemen, astronauts, changing existence
by rediscovering dinosaurs or rearranging our physics
with laws that young minds saw as faintly intrinsic.
Space and dimensions faded in distances quick as we aged.
Society forced lethargy as a principle way
and science in electronics was pushed on with oblivious strength.
Universal exploration itself was a mission that changed
from actual travel to a cybernetic psychosis.
The world at our fingertips, coders getting the fortunes.
The mind: virtual reality; the flesh: rigor-mortis.
Since we're melting the forests and leaving no healthy coordinates
we've assumed uploading our selves in our portraits
will allow us to become connected in orbit.
Doctors and lawyers profit while losing echelon statuses
with a public convinced you can get health in a bag of pills.
Trials and experimental procedures extend the elaborate
manners of death that only seem to help their establishments.
The breadth of the madness lends to the fickle-bound with rent
as the rich buy properties and the rest is the trickle down effect.
The harder the stones are cast, the more the ripple mounds are swelled.
The dawdling dichotomous have a limit found in selves
which allows the service industry to flourish a bit.
Now entry jobs are careers that live off extortion and tips.
While engineers can write a program and force them to quit
our ethics seem less Darwin and more a war on the rich.
I'm sitting due proper with a blue collar huffing the fumes,
fixing something in the plumbing or roof,
suppressing moods so I can fill my supper with food.
This server from Morton’s with the nerve or the fortune
to treat my work with his orders as a butler is rude.
His untaxed wages contradict that he's poor per performance.
I'm sweating. Fixing a house bigger than mine.
I could be an entertainer; spitting my rhymes,
or a fucking code monkey writing unequivocal lines,
but I prefer to help my community on the physical side.
It seems everyone wants to have the master profession.
I can't tell if torpidity is exactly as mentioned
or it's an illness and we're viewing a mass convalescence.
Either way the practice is endless.
The only difference in kids now is math or athletics.
Exaggerate their path for their parents
and watch media-fied minds ecstatically fend it.
Hope fiends with smoke screens and static's pathetic.
We've made a home from our imagined reflections
and utilized our only planet as weapons.

Man,
that's depressing.

[Otto Peighlaught]

http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=124102
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=124089
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=124112
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=124040

[Frank]

100 lines

[Pharaohs Army]

-100

[dead man]

Tldr; be a coder, not a roofer

[Split Eight]

Originally Posted by Otto Peighlaught

As kids we all wanted to make a difference.
Desires of firemen, astronauts, changing existence
by rediscovering dinosaurs or rearranging our physics
with laws that young minds saw as faintly intrinsic.
This flowed really well.


Space and dimensions faded in distances quick as we aged.
Society forced lethargy as a principle way
and science in electronics was pushed on with oblivious strength.
Universal exploration itself was a mission that changed
from actual travel to a cybernetic psychosis.
I didn't like the wording of "lethargy as a principle way" because it's a bit opaque. The rhyme scheme transitions also suffered here, though the rhymes themselves were natural/ not forced.

The world at our fingertips, coders getting the fortunes.
The mind: virtual reality; the flesh: rigor-mortis.
Since we're melting the forests and leaving no healthy coordinates
we've assumed uploading our selves in our portraits
will allow us to become connected in orbit.
I liked this section, but not "healthy coordinates"


Doctors and lawyers profit while losing echelon statuses
with a public convinced you can get health in a bag of pills.
Trials and experimental procedures extend the elaborate
manners of death that only seem to help their establishments.

The breadth of the madness lends to the fickle-bound with rent
as the rich buy properties and the rest is the trickle down effect.
"fickle bound" is dumb but the rhyme is sexy

The harder the stones are cast, the more the ripple mounds are swelled.
The dawdling dichotomous have a limit found in selves
which allows the service industry to flourish a bit.
Now entry jobs are careers that live off extortion and tips.
While engineers can write a program and force them to quit
our ethics seem less Darwin and more a war on the rich.
I'm sitting due proper with a blue collar huffing the fumes,
fixing something in the plumbing or roof,
suppressing moods so I can fill my supper with food.
This server from Morton’s with the nerve or the fortune
to treat my work with his orders as a butler is rude.
His untaxed wages contradict that he's poor per performance.
I'm sweating. Fixing a house bigger than mine.
I could be an entertainer; spitting my rhymes,
or a fucking code monkey writing unequivocal lines,
but I prefer to help my community on the physical side.
It seems everyone wants to have the master profession.
I can't tell if torpidity is exactly as mentioned
or it's an illness and we're viewing a mass convalescence.
Either way the practice is endless.
The only difference in kids now is math or athletics.
Exaggerate their path for their parents
and watch media-fied minds ecstatically fend it.


Hope fiends with smoke screens and static's pathetic.
We've made a home from our imagined reflections
and utilized our only planet as weapons.
cool!

Man,
that's depressing.

Overall you have really great vocab especially for a rap forum. I think your rhyming is solid (but please stop using 'fortune' as an end rhyme), here your wording and phrasing was a little off at times.

I think the piece was solid in construction, maybe lacking direction. You have a middle portion where you suddenly develop the narrator and focus on his role but then just as quickly abandon it. I think embedding the narrator into this world doesn't help effectively convey the message, as you're focusing on the larger picture of mankind/ nature interactions in the future. It is an issue where it becomes necessary to zoom out to focus on it, though that would be cool to see a piece that shows the individual's human interaction with his environment contrasted with the general population's effect on it.


The writing was quality but I didn't feel drawn to it. Perhaps there could've been more plot movement or a shifting of perspective to contrast this reality against an alternative, if that makes sense.

Like, if you work to emotionally or logically engage your reader by controlling the tone or events in your writing, then that'd be sick because you're already good at doing so on a language-basis

nice piece!

[Quarter O]

Man...

Gave us some shit to think about.. I agreed with practically everything you said as well as delightfully being enlightened. I like your word usage and am impressed with the vocab. What I really liked was how you use some high level choice of words but made it come off as natural that it flows fluent in nature without sounding forced. I can tell it was your nature from how smooth it read. Good shit... no.. Great shit man!

[Mr. J]

An interesting piece from the start of the whole thing.
You toy with the flow quite well & it seems quite familiar
regardless I thought the overall concept was pretty sweet
you had some memorable lines spliced up in there that I liked


While engineers can write a program and force them to quit
our ethics seem less Darwin and more a war on the rich.
I'm sitting due proper with a blue collar huffing the fumes,
fixing something in the plumbing or roof,
suppressing moods so I can fill my supper with food.

this felt nice but felt weird near the end of it all
the whole nerve of fortune/butler is rude thing was eh

I'm sweating. Fixing a house bigger than mine.
I could be an entertainer; spitting my rhymes,
or a fucking code monkey writing unequivocal lines,
but I prefer to help my community on the physical side.

I liked this until I got to the physical side...that is odd
works with the whole scheme though. I can appreciate that
it was pretty redundant to what you said at the start of the rhyme though.
but I enjoyed this for being your...first drop here? no? maybe...
regardless nice work.